RIP k.b

[thefed]

Lost a friend yesterday. One of the most happy-go-lucky guys you'd ever meet. Unfortunately, he brought this upon himself...too fond of the partying and things that come along with that lifestyle. I had distanced myself somewhat recently as I am trying to focus on my family.

At only 28 years old, he's gone too young. He left behind a father whom I have had the pleasure of talking with very often recently...a father who was grooming his sonto soon take over the family business. A father who believed that this son's tumultuous past was behind him as he had recently re-enrolled in school and assured his father that it was true. I didnt have the heart to tell his father that he may have been mislead.

I got a message from my friend Thursday...a message I'd received plenty of times since high school "Hey man! Come over and party this weekend...my parents are going out of town"

The next day, they found him dead in his bathroom.

It's these instances that make us thankful for who we have. It also makes the desire for MY children to make the right decisions so much more intense


RIP Belz - You will be missed by many, forgotten by none!

[CuppaJoe]

You did the right thing, thefed, to protect his father's feelings, even though deep down he may know. I'm so sorry for your loss. I still feel for the ones I knew who went too soon.

[thefed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuppaJoe You did the right thing, thefed, to protect his father's feelings, even though deep down he may know. I'm so sorry for your loss. I still feel for the ones I knew who went too soon.

i know it wasnt my place to tell his dad the truth, but at the same time, i wonder...'what if i did'? he had been slipping down a very very slippery slope as of recently, and can only wonder...what if?

[bbbamI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefed i know it wasnt my place to tell his dad the truth, but at the same time, i wonder...'what if i did'? he had been slipping down a very very slippery slope as of recently, and can only wonder...what if?

People make their own decisions. As you said he brought this upon himself.

It's tough to lose a friend no matter the age. I'm sorry...I know this is difficult for you.

[Alan]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I think you were right not to tell his father that you thought he was being mis-lead. You were not to know he would die so young and you have no real idea if telling him would have made a difference, however it could easily have destroyed your friendship.

[thefed]

man this sucks. makes me really really really hope my kids dont do the same stupid sh!t i did as a teen.

all you can do is give them the tools, guidance, and examples and hope they take heed

[samclem]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

Sometimes we don't live long enough to learn the lessons that will save us.

[happy2bretired]

Sorry for your loss. Keep in mind that you've picked up some very good lessons learned to pass on to your kids. Your knowledge can make a big difference in their lives..you're a good dad to think of their future like you do.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefed man this sucks. makes me really really really hope my kids dont do the same stupid sh!t i did as a teen. all you can do is give them the tools, guidance, and examples and hope they take heed

I'm sorry this happened. It's never easy and it leads to years of "What if I'd..."

FWIW I think that even if you'd mustered the camera crew from one of those reality-TV intervention shows and frog-marched your friend off to rehab, at some point you've more than done your part and he would've had to pick up the load for himself. Distancing is exactly the right thing to do.

From what little we can infer of the situation I suspect that telling his parents wouldn't have helped anyone, let alone him. Certainly would've made things worse for you.

I really hope that sharing my stories of sex/drugs/rock&roll with my kid will deglamorize it and strengthen her stated commitment to not turn into her parents. Merely the hint that "I used to do that and..." would snap her right out of it.

But I'm skeptical that teenagers learn from the examples of others. Most of what little learning takes place is probably experiential, let alone the part where their amygdala just overwhelms their cerebral cortex with hormones & endorphins. And if it feels good then there's no reason to stop, let alone motivation to do so.

[Bestwifeever]

It seems that research is now saying the younger one is when imbibing (whether alcohol or drugs) the more likely that person will have a chronic problem with the substance. So do your best to keep your children clean as long as possible, and that is a lot of work and your children will hate you for it at the time (but will thank you later).

Of course there are many cases of great parents whose kids turned out to have problems, and terrible parents whose children grow into wonderful adults. So it's a crap shoot, and you do the best you can in a consistent way.

Your friend's message that his parents were going to be out of town so come over and party sounds like something a teenager would be saying, not a 28 year old. I'm sorry for your loss.

[thefed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever Your friend's message that his parents were going to be out of town so come over and party sounds like something a teenager would be saying, not a 28 year old. I'm sorry for your loss.

yep...that was him....living back at home, life given to him on a silver platter....never could mess up enough to get the boot from mom and dad...

he and i used to drink and smoke pot together...then recently it was coke so i distanced....then lots of pills....then heroin in the last few months....i think the H is what got him, from what i'm hearing. blows my mind...because i know the 'old' him...the 'real' him i grew up with

[Nodak]

Don't remember who I heard this from but it is profound. "We go through life making our decisions and in the end our decisions make us".

[Cruisinthru]

Nodak - I love that quote! It is so true.

theFed - I am so sorry to hear about your friend. My prayers will be with his family.

I have a son who also had a drug problem for a few years. He lost a couple of his childhood friends way to early as a result of drug usage. It took the loss of his closest friend to get him sober. He has now been sober for two years. I tell him that after all of his bad choices, there is a reason that he is still here. We may never know why but I am thankful for him everyday.

[thefed]

well, last night was very dis-heartening. after the calling hours, his father and sister asked us to join them at his favorite burger and beer joint to share stories of his life....he played volleyball there every monday.

well, about 40 people ended up coming- it was a fun time - a dysfunctional class reunion of sorts...

I ran into one of kb's best friends, (also my old best friend )who i have also distanced myself from for the same reasons. i havent talked to him in a year. i said 'hey man, ive heard some crazy sh!t about you recently (referring to HIS drug addiction). He only said "its all true"

later that night, after a few beers, we began to talk. i asked him about his wife, 10 month old son, job, etc....and eased my way into the drugs. i told him i didnt want to be attending his funeral soon....i asked if this opened his eyes. he said 'man, i felt like i was at my own funeral...this SHOULD be my funeral. i just dont care any more" i assured him that we all would support him...reminded him of his kid, and he said 'you have no idea jason...no idea until you've done it. the feeling...the rush. i dont give a **** about my kid right now...all ive been thinking about for 12 days and 13 hours is another hit of the good stuff...and you talking to me about it aint helpin. nothing you or anyone else says will matter....i'm an addict and that's that


so sad. such a waste. i tried thru the night to talk to him to no avail. i truly suspect i will be at his funeral soon.

[Celany]

[QUOTE=Bestwifeever;924574]It seems that research is now saying the younger one is when imbibing (whether alcohol or drugs) the more likely that person will have a chronic problem with the substance. So do your best to keep your children clean as long as possible, and that is a lot of work and your children will hate you for it at the time (but will thank you later).[QUOTE]

Is that what the research says? I wonder what is says about children in Europe, who start drinking at a young age, or someone like me. I started drinking with my dad when I was under 10. He always had a big mug of beer, and I always wanted to be like my dad, so they got me a wee mug, and I've had a wee shot of beer with him. Now he *is* an alcoholic, which should make me more "at risk", but I've never had a problem with abusing any kind of drug. And I think I've seen more kids go crazy when they finally get access to the forbidden fruit of drugs & alcohol, than those who were taught that it's to be enjoyed responsibly.

I'm very sorry for your loss, thefed. I don't know if it helps, but you'll never know what was in your friend's heart. Maybe that party was supposed to be one last hurrah before he settled down to follow in his father's footsteps. Or maybe he was going to try to lay off the drugs a bit, and build a life despite them. Or maybe he really wasn't going to change. Impossible to know; I really feel for you.

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

...Is that what the research says? I wonder what is says about children in Europe, who start drinking at a young age, or someone like me. I started drinking with my dad when I was under 10. He always had a big mug of beer, and I always wanted to be like my dad, so they got me a wee mug, and I've had a wee shot of beer with him. Now he *is* an alcoholic, which should make me more "at risk", but I've never had a problem with abusing any kind of drug. And I think I've seen more kids go crazy when they finally get access to the forbidden fruit of drugs & alcohol, than those who were taught that it's to be enjoyed responsibly.....

I haven't looked for research done in Europe (where even today in Germany drinking in public establishments with one's parents is allowed only after age 14), which has such a different culture than the US regarding alcohol. But here is the research I was referring to: NIAAA Publications

(And of course there is the cause and effect question--do children who start drinking early have trouble later because of the early drinking or was the early drinking a symptom of a problem? Who knows, but to me it woud be a red flag either way. Using my kids' friends as anecdotal examples, I agree that while some of them went overboard when they first had carte blanche to imbibe, most of those who today continue to have serious problems as adults were the early drinkers.)