Sibling Doesn’t have a dime to his name

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GrayHare It's interesting that despite similar genes and upbringing siblings can have widely varying save vs. spend tendencies.

Agree and many other differences as well. I come from a family of 6 and I am so different from my sibs it’s shocking. My daughter often says “daddy, I can’t believe you come from the same parents”. Sibs are mostly a bunch of “losers” and I generally have contact only a few times a year. They wouldn’t have the nerve to ask for money, although I would probably give them some if the sob story was good enough.

[kcowan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar Agree and many other differences as well. I come from a family of 6 and I am so different from my sibs it’s shocking. My daughter often says “daddy, I can’t believe you come from the same parents”. Sibs are mostly a bunch of “losers” and I generally have contact only a few times a year. They wouldn’t have the nerve to ask for money, although I would probably give them some if the sob story was good enough.

My brother was dramatically different than me. People had the same reaction.

Some divorced friends of DW would ask if I had a brother, and DW would say yes and he is rich. Then she would show them his picture and they would lose interest. He had become a "crusty" old bachelor.

[Cayman]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Souschef I think that every family has at least one person who was put on earth to be a bad example.

Yes, I have a family member who is chronically in debt and has had everything handed to him including a $150k/yr. job that should pay $40k/yr. He feels entitled. He lives a sad life. I would not trade places..... . Ever.

[Milton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan Some divorced friends of DW would ask if I had a brother, and DW would say yes and he is rich. Then she would show them his picture and they would lose interest.

Wow, talk about superficiality. Your brother is better off without such gold-diggers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoBears Unfortunately, DD is heading down this path and I am just sick about it. Age 20 and thinks she has life all figured out and won’t listen to anyone. She can’t hold a job - quit the last one after only two and a half weeks despite owing us over $3K. She has gotten pregnant from a casual on and off relationship that is off again and intends to keep the baby, enroll in Medicaid and move into Section 8 housing. I didn’t raise her this way. We’ve told her no further financial help and she can’t move back home with a baby because DW is disabled by chronic migraines and barely can take care of herself. I will not jeopardize my retirement, which will not be all that early, continuing to support my daughter and her family. I‘ve already raised my family. But, damn, I am angry.

That's just ... awful. Sickening indeed! I feel very sad for you.

Unfortunately I have no 'magic bullet advice' to offer. Best I can do is to second what you are already doing, i.e. making it crystal clear to her that you are not in a position to subsidize her choices and will not do so. Stick to your guns and don't fall prey to any emotional blackmail that she may later try via the grandchild: it's all on her, why should you suffer?

[Teacher Terry]

Many people have been able to turn this type of situation around. She is young. However, section 8 housing usually has huge waiting list. It can easily take a couple of years. But there is another program where you find an apartment and if the landlord is willing to take the amount directly from the housing authority that they are willing to pay the apartment can be rented. Many landlords will do this as it guarantees them the rent. This type of funding is also a lot easier to get.

[Katsmeow]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan Your description of your DD is a carbon copy of my 20 year old niece, my DS struggles daily with every item you just talked about. Someone who hasn't been thru it can't understand the emotional and financial toll mental illness takes on the entire family.

Indeed. I think part of what is so hard is that it is so difficult to know when to pull the plug on the financial help. It wouldn't be that hard for an adult child with no mental illness. Our younger son had graduated college and was sort of aimless about what he was going to do next. Looking for a job but being picky/not liking options. We were clear with him that, hey, he had graduated so needed to support himself. In his case, that went fine. He thought about and decided to go to grad school (on his cost). SO that was fine.

But, with mental illness it makes it hard. You want to help so much. And, with each cost it is hard to know where to draw the line. This one won't bankrupt you but cumulatively it can really affect standard of living over time. And, eventually, we realized that we aren't really helping her. She isn't using the help to help her to try to get better.

[Milton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry [S]ection 8 housing usually has huge waiting list. It can easily take a couple of years. But there is another program where you find an apartment and if the landlord is willing to take the amount directly from the housing authority that they are willing to pay the apartment can be rented. Many landlords will do this as it guarantees them the rent. This type of funding is also a lot easier to get.

Or option B, she could just get (and keep) a job and support herself without gaming the system.

GoBears can speak for himself, but I don't have the sense that he wants to coach his daughter in the most efficient way to enter welfare dependency.

[Teacher Terry]

Daycare is so expensive that she is going to need supports to be able to support her child. I was not suggesting going on welfare. Sometimes there are programs based on income to help pay for daycare too. If she is working a minimum wage job she can't probably afford an apartment let alone the costs of raising a child which includes daycare. When I was a social worker we helped people get off welfare by using the government programs that they qualified for. Often they would get health insurance on their job which saved the government a ton of $.

[Cayman]

Illness of close family members -- be it physical or mental -- impacts the whole family. Katsmeow, I wish your family the best. You sound like a thoughtful, caring parent to both of your kids. I agree that protecting your financial future is very important. You'll still have the option to support your daughter and grand daughter in non-financial ways, as you see appropriate.