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Single - I hate the word!
Old 05-19-2009, 11:37 PM   #1
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Single - I hate the word!

Companionless is probably better. Kind of stuck. . .feeling shut out! There's no local ER chapter or club to chill with like minded female ER types. Dating websites / speed dating are ok, but don't do a great of matching people by financial philosophy.

A successful PT poster in a past thread mentioned the unhelpfully high expectations couple wannabees set for partners for themselves, i.e they've got to have this, and that, and oh yeah: 'a job', preferably in a rising career! In many western cultures, you're defined by what you do. You are-- 'your job' In your 20's / 30's it matters little, with so many people traveling, studying etc.

However in your 40's / 50's and beyond you can be labeled by the average dating prospect as an oddbawl! I mean after all, what demographics do ER types make up? One in a hundred, one in a thousand? I'd be curious to see some statistics.

Obviously bonus points for smart one liner responses to 'what do you do'-- aside. Does anyway have some useful tales of what worked / works for them? I've been so goal oriented, focused, LBYM and frugal for so long, i've unwittingly isolated myself from the mainstream-- oops! So I'm a little rusty getting 'out there'! (need to rediscover my old sense of humor)

Similarly, I'm curious about companionless PTers, those moving around a lot, perhaps in cultures where language is a barrier? They say love means there are no language barriers. But seriously, doesn't it get a little lonely? Travel and sharing and ER/PT go hand in hand I feel! Any thoughts appreciated . . .
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Old 05-20-2009, 07:57 AM   #2
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I don't think that being single in my 50's and 60's has made me an oddball, but then I am still working. There are a lot more singles in those age groups these days than there were many years ago, because divorce has become so much more prevalent these days. So, maybe the "oddball" part is being retired and LBYM.

A lot of people at work seem to think retiring is not something people do. However, several other singles in my age group at work are quietly making plans to retire as well. I think it is easier for us to retire than for the married folks. Some are retiring on a shoestring, some not.

I am not retired yet, but I have planned a response to the "What do you do?" question. I am going to say, "I am a retired oceanographer." Really, when people ask that question I think they are just looking for something to talk about or things that you might have in common. Just mentioning that I am an oceanographer helps the conversation along, since people seem to think that I lead a life like the late Jacques Cousteau making films for the Discovery Channel, or that I occasionally work in a bikini at Sea World training killer whales (no, folks, my job is not like either of those - - I am a cubicle dweeb for the most part).

No light to shed on foreign travel, since it is not in my plans.
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Old 05-20-2009, 08:45 AM   #3
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Companionless is probably better.
I'm thinking "free" is a good description...
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ER & Dating: Single, I hate the word!
Old 05-20-2009, 11:01 AM   #4
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ER & Dating: Single, I hate the word!

To Want2retire!
Ireland has become very materialistic, very wealth obsessed. We didn't used to be! Cheap credit changed us.

I find myself frequently sitting across from Dates who respond somewhat shocked, that unlike them (the mainstream), I'm not also up to my neck in career drive, crazy hours, high debt-- struggling to find tenants for my surplus overpriced properties.

For some, ER clearly goes against the grain of the man being the provider etc. Hence the 'what do you do' question frequently scuttering dates. . . So maybe I need to lie, embellish the truth, say I am an oceanographer, at least until they get to know me better.

However being ER'd and as a consequence LBYM, means I can't go too crazy taking dates on expensive 'rip-off-republic' dinners / holidays etc, and this is hurting me, as Ireland is still quite traditional , (the man should pay for everything).

If there was an ER/PT/LBYM dating website in Ireland, that would help. It might even capture the materialistic backlash to the global downturn. . .
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:10 AM   #5
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For some, ER clearly goes against the grain of the man being the provider etc. Hence the 'what do you do' question frequently scuttering dates. . . So maybe I need to lie, embellish the truth, say I am an oceanographer, at least until they get to know me better.
Feel free to borrow my occupation any time you like! It does lead to some interesting conversations when I try to explain that I don't do anything with animals at all, nor do I go to work wearing a bikini.

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However being ER'd and as a consequence LBYM, means I can't go too crazy taking dates on expensive 'rip-off-republic' dinners / holidays etc, and this is hurting me, as Ireland is still quite traditional , (the man should pay for everything).
So, date women who, due to poverty or other reasons, do not expect you to take them someplace expensive. Then take them someplace that you feel is reasonably priced.

That old saying that "there is someone for everyone" really does seem to be true. Sounds like you have to sort through a lot of golddiggers to find the right match for you. You'll find her, though.
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:12 AM   #6
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Trib....it's great to be single....you are free to do anything you want to.
I tell people that I am a freelancer...you don't have to get into details, most people usually smile and say that it must be great to be your own boss!
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:18 AM   #7
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W2R, I think you should tell them that you *used* to work in a bikini training the killer whales, but that it got too boring!

Trib, I think you need to develop some hobbies and pursue the kind of folks that you meet while doing these hobbies. Traveling is fairly lonely unless you are willing to stay in hostels where you can more easily meet folks.
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:29 AM   #8
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There are some young single retired guys who post on this forum. They might have a lot to say.

I am sure your luck would improve markedly if you go walkabout, as most everyone you meet will either be from a culture that sees all westerners as wealthy, or a drop-out like yourself. Life is too short to try to impress some prissy female who thinks she is the purpose of creation. It is all being said from the ya-ya, and you are only listening because of her ya-ya.

It is quite a bit easier for someone my age. Although some women (and men) are still looking for a meal ticket- indeed some of them really need one- they have mostly accepted a little bit of reality. And reality is that if a guy is older, contentedly single and solvent, he isn't usually looking for ways to distribute money.

Something amazing happens at some age that I cannot pinpoint. All the girls who were so hard to even sniff for so many years are suddenly singing a different tune. Many of them are very frank and put their cards right out on the table. "I am lonely; I hate Saturday nights; I have no idea what happened in my marriage" or, "We were so happy then my husband dropped dead."

Respect, companionship, etc. from a man are something that they can no longer take for granted. But some of them still need and want those things. Any man who can honestly give them is giving a lot. My brothers and I are all single-one a widower, and another and myself divorced. There are a lot of very nice, very interesting women out there.


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Old 05-20-2009, 01:04 PM   #9
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Thanks to everyone for your comments. I'd like to add one other thing . .

I recently had a revelation. . .that I suffer from er, um. . .what could be best described as: perfectionitis! Aka: searching for the 'Perfect-woman' disease! I didn't realize because it happened so slowly over a long period of time. Years of ER sacrificing has meant little time for companionship, and years of frugal living and so on, has set my expectations too high! Its mostly at a subconscious, irrational level.

Let me be the first to say i'm certainly no #10 (no delusions there, its not that)! Its just that having made sacrifices, I feel an overriding need to make up for lost time, and compensate for all the companionless years. That doesn't mean sleep around, that's just not me! It does mean finding someone who is an all round 10, on my utilitarian scale.

Alternatively, it means: 'getting over it'! Deep down its probably envy or jealousy of those who partied, each week having a new hottie! I try and rationalise and dismiss it, telling myself: but they squandered their money partying, if you'd done that, you likewise would have many years of hard labor still ahead of you!. . . However I frequently fail to KEEP PERSPECTIVE.

Its the frailty of the human condition I guess, one is never satisfied. The grass is always greener somewhere else, its the 'can do better' commentary from old school reports. . .
Anyone else have these types of pangs? Any useful suggestions for an ER workout program for keeping perspective? Thanks!
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Old 05-20-2009, 01:30 PM   #10
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Thanks to everyone for your comments. I'd like to add one other thing . .

I recently had a revelation. . .that I suffer from er, um. . .what could be best described as: perfectionitis! Aka: searching for the 'Perfect-woman' disease!
...It does mean finding someone who is an all round 10, on my utilitarian scale.
Allow me to tell a little story...I was widowed at age 46. Entering the singles dating thing scared the stuffing out of me.
No way would I go near the online matching sites.
The husband of a dear high school friend gave me some wonderful counsel. He called it "the package", what men of quality look for in a mate.
According to him, having "the package" (for a woman) consisted of the following traits...if I can remember them all...financially sound, educated, self sufficient in attitude, no baggage (divorces or unruly teenagers), good looking , nice figure, employed (then), the desire to succeed/survive no matter what, and self-confidence.
I was so flattered by his assessment of me. It restored the confidence I had lost and so badly needed at the time.

I would suggest you do the "package" asessment for yourself, or maybe get a trusted friend to do so with complete honesty.

Set your standards to whatever level you wish. They are your standards and you have the right to own them.

I did find a man who had his own set of standards, revised due to his earlier mistakes. He told me later that it was my confidence in myself that he found the most attractive.
We are a wonderful fit for each other and are engaged to be married. It does happen.
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Old 05-20-2009, 01:34 PM   #11
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Thanks to everyone for your comments. I'd like to add one other thing . .

I recently had a revelation. . .that I suffer from er, um. . .what could be best described as: perfectionitis! Aka: searching for the 'Perfect-woman' disease! I didn't realize because it happened so slowly over a long period of time. Years of ER sacrificing has meant little time for companionship, and years of frugal living and so on, has set my expectations too high! Its mostly at a subconscious, irrational level.

Let me be the first to say i'm certainly no #10 (no delusions there, its not that)! Its just that having made sacrifices, I feel an overriding need to make up for lost time, and compensate for all the companionless years. That doesn't mean sleep around, that's just not me! It does mean finding someone who is an all round 10, on my utilitarian scale.
Well Sonny, better keep working. Good looking young women who are not crackheads will always comand a good price. It's reality.

Ha
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Old 05-20-2009, 01:43 PM   #12
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If there was an ER/PT/LBYM dating website in Ireland, that would help. It might even capture the materialistic backlash to the global downturn. . .
Perhaps that could be your next venture! You would kill 2 birds with 1 stone: 1) you'd get to meet like-minded, ER/PT/LBYM people and 2) you'd get to call yourself an "entrepreneur" which is always a hit with the ladies... You could operate the website from anywhere in the world and even generate some revenues from advertisement...
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:08 PM   #13
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Thanks to everyone for your comments. I'd like to add one other thing . .

I recently had a revelation. . .that I suffer from er, um. . .what could be best described as: perfectionitis! Aka: searching for the 'Perfect-woman' disease! I didn't realize because it happened so slowly over a long period of time. Years of ER sacrificing has meant little time for companionship, and years of frugal living and so on, has set my expectations too high! Its mostly at a subconscious, irrational level.

Thanks!

So you are looking for a late 30's to early 40's year old woman who is a 10 , retired ,self supporting with no children who is willing to go dutch at cheap restaurants and forgo nice vacations so she can wander with a forty something guy with a $20,000 annual budget who is not a 10 . I think you have more of a chance of winning the power ball . Try Paris Hilton she may be interested ?
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:25 PM   #14
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Up until age 33, chasing required a lot of work, money, time - I was never good looking, rich or suave enough.

Then I had this 29 yr one night stand. Unfortunately she passed away unexpectedly.

Since although technically single - I don't seem to be - I've yet to last a year without an offer I can't refuse.

Ya think it was the bib overalls and the 15 year old pickup with rusty fender? I didn't get any 'prettier' - mirrors don't lie.

heh heh heh - Never did figure this stuff out. .
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:26 PM   #15
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So you are looking for a late 30's to early 40's year old woman who is a 10 , retired ,self supporting with no children who is willing to go dutch at cheap restaurants and forgo nice vacations so she can wander with a forty something guy with a $20,000 annual budget who is not a 10 . I think you have more of a chance of winning the power ball . Try Paris Hilton she may be interested ?
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:26 PM   #16
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To Moemg;-
Yes that's how I'm feeling-- high standards, the perfect 10 thing. . .but its not what I am looking for. . as the perfect 10 thing will fade!

What I'm looking for is to find a way to be content! She certainly herself doesn't need to be ER'd. If she likes her job, even loves it, kudos to her! So there's no price tag on her net worth, just as long as we have enough from what she has, and what I have!
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:28 PM   #17
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Up until age 33, chasing required a lot of work, money, time - I was never good looking, rich or suave enough.

Then I had this 29 yr one night stand. Unfortunately she passed away unexpectedly.

Since although technically single - I don't seem to be - I've yet to last a year without an offer I can't refuse.

Ya think it was the bib overalls and the 15 year old pickup with rusty fender? I didn't get any 'prettier' - mirrors don't lie.

heh heh heh - Never did figure this stuff out. .
Psst.........Wellsley..........
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:33 PM   #18
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I just tell people I've never been married but I do have a good looking blond living with me. A very outdoorsey blond.

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Old 05-20-2009, 02:34 PM   #19
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To FIREdreamer :-
Part of me would love to, if I could only get my head around website design. Otherwise its just pure daydream.

The downturn is interesting though, its a synchronistic time to launch a site like this. But I'm too nice though, I'd want to give everyone their money back if they didn't meet anyone, (not hog it / overbill / post fake ads as M***ch.com and others are frequently accused of!

I think my ad will have to be ;-
"Poor ugly guy, seeks beautiful woman!"
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Old 05-20-2009, 02:53 PM   #20
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I just tell people I've never been married but I do have a good looking blond living with me. A very outdoorsey blond.



Now that is a ten !
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