Single men of ER...chime in pls

[dvalley]

Since there have been 'women specific' threads I figured why not? I'm only kidding...the ladies are always welcome to chime in here.

So, after a 10yr stint as a married man I was divorced in my mid 30s. Then another failed 6yr long relationship after that I'm starting to feel tired and wondering if there's something majorly wrong with me (more on that later if anyone wants to know). Some days I'm not sure I want to try again, I don't feel like I have the energy to give 'chase' again, it can be draining (mentally I mean- not financially). However, well there's the whole companionship of a woman I sorely miss, my partner in crime, someone to have an emotional connection with and of course the intimacy part. I'm wondering if this will slowly subside as I get older or as I get used to being single again (I'm 42 now). Even if it does...then I start to wonder how it would be boring and lonely to live out potentially the most fun/best years of my life by myself.

So the question to those who may have taken that path is how's the water?

As I write this I'm already thinking 'I have got to find the one!...somehow'. She's just not on Match.com or POF etc. Not the one for me anyway.

 

[W2R]

As I write this I'm already thinking 'I have got to find the one!...somehow'. She's just not on Match.com or POF etc. Not the one for me anyway.

OK, as you probably know I'm a woman. After my divorce at age 50, back in 1998, I tried the Match.com and other matchmaker websites. I have no idea what POF is though. Must be a new one.

Anyway, I found the experience to be pretty awful, especially for an introvert like me. Meet-up dot com didn't exist back then, or if it did then I didn't know about it.

After meeting a number of horrible supposed matches on these dating websites, I met Frank. Who would have thought? It only takes one, and this is our eighteenth year together.

From what I am told, the BEST way to meet high quality potential partners here is apparently through church dinners that are held specifically for adult singles. I just couldn't bring myself to be that deceptive, though (I am not religious). But if you are even a little bit religious, you might want to check those out too.

The problem with facing old age alone, is that the older you get, the more you need to lean on someone else. If you fall off a ladder and break your leg, it's nice to know that somebody will find you eventually and get you to the ER.

 

[REWahoo]

She's just not on Match.com or POF etc. Not the one for me anyway.

She's probably looking for you over at FarmersOnly.com.

 

[SecondCor521]

@W2R, POF is "Plenty Of Fish" and it's one of the online dating sites.

I am 48. My wife divorced me about 10 years ago after a 15 year marriage. I am also an extreme introvert. Over time, I have become comfortable being single.

I would like companionship, and I occasionally wonder about the "fall of a ladder" aspect of things as I get older. But honestly, for me, the downsides of a relationship outweigh the potential positives.

I will say, that if you think it's boring being by yourself, you may want to introspect on that. My personal opinion is that it is better to be happy and healthy on your own and then add a partner to that who is similarly happy and healthy on their own. If you're seeking completion in another person I don't think that is the best.

 

[easysurfer]

About a year ago, put myself on at eHamony and OkCupid. What can I lose? Right?

I tried setting up my profile very honestly. Discovered that I must really attract scammers (well, I did put down, I'm happily retired, so maybe that's some scam bait right there).

I decided to close my account at eharmony and kept m OKcupid account open but put down "If you are a scammer..expect to be ignored". That pretty much put a stop to the scammers sending me "fake interest" messages.

 

[haha]

Since there have been 'women specific' threads I figured why not? I'm only kidding...the ladies are always welcome to chime in here.

So, after a 10yr stint as a married man I was divorced in my mid 30s. Then another failed 6yr long relationship after that I'm starting to feel tired and wondering if there's something majorly wrong with me (more on that later if anyone wants to know). Some days I'm not sure I want to try again, I don't feel like I have the energy to give 'chase' again, it can be draining (mentally I mean- not financially). However, well there's the whole companionship of a woman I sorely miss, my partner in crime, someone to have an emotional connection with and of course the intimacy part. I'm wondering if this will slowly subside as I get older or as I get used to being single again (I'm 42 now). Even if it does...then I start to wonder how it would be boring and lonely to live out potentially the most fun/best years of my life by myself.

So the question to those who may have taken that path is how's the water?

As I write this I'm already thinking 'I have got to find the one!...somehow'. She's just not on Match.com or POF etc. Not the one for me anyway.

I am 76 and I still need women. I remember my Dad once wondering out loud if it ever went away. Perhaps when one is cremated? Also, likely best to forget "the one". She is likely so desirable that her husband is doing flips to hang onto her. If it weren't for sex IMO men and women would not have a lot of use for one another, but that may not be true.

Ha

 

[GravitySucks]

Widowed at 53 after 29 years of marriage on top of six years of dating.
Met a couple of women on OK Cupid and started traveling exclusively with one of them, who passed away from ovarian cancer last Thursday.
Maybe meant to be alone. At least for a while.

 

[RobbieB]

I think online dating is kinda cool, it gave me the "tune-up" I really needed after 30 years of marriage.

There are lots of scammers on line, but also some really beautiful people. Hey, kinda like real life eh? I had a lot of dates and a couple of girlfriends that didn't work out so I ended my online dating (match and our time) and met my current girlfriend the old fashioned way at a place of mutual interest (dog park) like before high tech.

But if it wasn't for internet girlfriend #2 (who had 5 dogs) I might have not got one and would have had no reason to hang at the dog park either.

It's all karma, luck and chance.

I do know one thing though. It's not like she's gonna just knock on your door eh?

Ya gotta get out there one way or another and anyway that gets you out there is better than waiting for her to knock on your door -

 

[haha]

Widowed at 53 after 29 years of marriage on top of six years of dating.
Met a couple of women on OK Cupid and started traveling exclusively with one of them, who passed away from ovarian cancer last Thursday.
Maybe meant to be alone. At least for a while.

I am very sorry.

 

[Hermit]

Widowed at 53 after 29 years of marriage on top of six years of dating.
Met a couple of women on OK Cupid and started traveling exclusively with one of them, who passed away from ovarian cancer last Thursday.
Maybe meant to be alone. At least for a while.

Sorry to hear that GravitySucks. I was also widowed after 29 years of marriage to the perfect woman, at least for me. I was 59 at the time. I haven't entered into any relationship since.

Its been almost 8 years of being single for me. Certainly no knocks on my door way out here in the boonies. I guess this Hermit lifestyle isn't conducive to finding a Mrs. Hermit?

 

[Souschef]

I was widowed after 30 years of marriage. The last 12 years were as a caregiver for my brain injured wife. She recovered about 90% function, but had a personality shift.
I was on a grief recovery website, and there was a lady there who struck me as the most caring person I had ever known.
We found out we lived only 40 miles apart, and agreed to meet half way for lunch. As I walked her to her car after lunch, I said what i think was the smartest thing I ever said. I said, "I would like to see you again".
We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in November.
My birthday this year came around Mother's day, which we celebrated with her 2 sons, wives, and grandchild. Her older son gave me a card that really teared me up.
He wrote-Happy birthday, we love you.I couldn't have asked for someone better to take care of my Mom.

 

[razztazz]

I recognize so many sentiments here

I've been single the whole way. I readily admit to being a hard number to hit. Think Frasier or Niles with some G. Gordon Liddy mixed in. Even as a lad was never all that concerned about joining in all the Reindeer games. Just one of those people who enjoys people and group situations when they pop up as targets of opportunity but I have never sought them out.

True story. Very timely as it is in progress as we speak.

Back in the 80's I found a fantastic lady! Had been to medical school with a stack of science degrees. I was a Sergeant in the Air Force but we hit it off quite crazily. A torrid affair between two quirky, crazy people. We understood each other. Did not work out. We wanted different things. We tried again a few years later. Same thing. So, last Spring, 2016, we run into each other on the internet. Both still available. Both thinking “What if...?” other all these years unbeknownst to each other.

So, I visit her for a few weeks. (She lives 500 miles away) Did the same this past April. I was hoping that after 30+ years all the differences that were holding up progress would no longer be a factor.

Unfortunately with all the face time and all the communications, instead of getting better it's getting more and more like high school! I have never been so glad for NOT having married somebody!

There were a few others along the way but never any real fire or compelling reason to start a life together.

Maybe I am just too good on my own? Maybe since I had to grow up alone and couldn't trust anybody that's my template for life. When your only tool is a hammer..... I will say that I have never troubled myself with feeling lonely and quite frankly I don't really “get” what people are talking about when they bring that up.

Every time I have been involved in a break-up (none of which were ugly “made for TV” style break-ups. We just drifted apart) I was kind of sad for 10 mins, then relieved, followed by a feeling of renewal.

 

[Quest4Fire]

Widowed at 53 after 29 years of marriage on top of six years of dating.
Met a couple of women on OK Cupid and started traveling exclusively with one of them, who passed away from ovarian cancer last Thursday.
Maybe meant to be alone. At least for a while.

Maybe, but either way good karma coming your way. Best

 

[splitwdw]

Never give up looking. My girlfriend tried the online dating services few quite a few years and met some very nice men (little odd, dentist that talked about space aliens and electrical engineer that was super religious, both first dates) but no keepers. All of her friends send men her way and she does a lot of hiking, kayaking meet-ups. She was hiking with a group in Virginia this past weekend and met a man. Other friend that was there said they clicked right away AND he's from our area. I've got my fingers crossed for her. You have to put yourself out there and keep looking.

 

[Rambler]

Interesting thread. My wife has been sporadically ill for the past 10 months and I've not been able to leave her alone for much if any time due to this issue. A couple weeks ago, her quilting buddies came over, so that meant she had someone there in case she had a problem, so I took a drive up to the lake. It was beautiful. I got to thinking, as much as I was enjoying being at the lake, I wanted to share that enjoyment with her. Further thoughts led to who would I want to console me in times of pain...obviously her. Although she is doing much better now, with her current issue, she is likely to go earlier than me, unless I develop something deadly in the next few months/years. If she goes early, and leaves me with 30 years to be alone, I'm not sure I could recover well enough to participate in a chase.

Not single, obviously, but just another pov.

 

[dvalley]

Thanks for all the great comments, insight and advice. I'm also very sorry to hear about some of you who lost your beloved partners or are going through a rough patch in your lives

I'm an introvert but not the lone-wolf type unfortunately, it's hard to explain but even when I'm out and about on business travel I wish I could share those new experiences and fun with someone close. Whenever someone close was in my life I felt like I could conquer the world, I took way more interest in my own hobbies, life felt complete etc. However, without 'them' I have to force myself at times to even engage myself in those hobbies. I do enjoy hanging out if I have someone to hang out with, like I enjoy going to work only because I'm around people I know even if I'm being my introvert self once I'm there. I can pick and choose who to mingle with and how much. When I come out of my shell I can be pretty darned funny with my witty sarcastic comments.

Haha, thanks for putting things in perspective there from an age point of view. I had wondered about that I LOL'd reading your comment about 'the one'. So true.

 

[Scuba]

Widowed at 53 after 29 years of marriage on top of six years of dating.
Met a couple of women on OK Cupid and started traveling exclusively with one of them, who passed away from ovarian cancer last Thursday.
Maybe meant to be alone. At least for a while.

Very sorry for your loss.

 

[Scuba]

I was widowed after 30 years of marriage. The last 12 years were as a caregiver for my brain injured wife. She recovered about 90% function, but had a personality shift.
I was on a grief recovery website, and there was a lady there who struck me as the most caring person I had ever known.
We found out we lived only 40 miles apart, and agreed to meet half way for lunch. As I walked her to her car after lunch, I said what i think was the smartest thing I ever said. I said, "I would like to see you again".
We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in November.
My birthday this year came around Mother's day, which we celebrated with her 2 sons, wives, and grandchild. Her older son gave me a card that really teared me up.
He wrote-Happy birthday, we love you.I couldn't have asked for someone better to take care of my Mom.

So happy for you, souschef. Thanks for sharing an inspiring story.

 

[Onward]

GravitySucks, I'm also sorry for your loss.

So the question to those who may have taken that path is how's the water?

Hmmmm. Where to start....

I'm mid-50's, FIREd seven years ago, never married. A fair number of girlfriends over the years, though none in the past two.

Speaking for myself, I'd say the water is lousy. I seem to have finally hit the age at which the type of woman I'm attracted to has very little interest in me. "So change your standards," you say. Well, that's easier said than done.

I live in a populous area of California and have been active on the dating websites. I've been on maybe a dozen dates, and the results have been really, really, really depressing.

Lest this start to sound like a sob story, I'll say I'm generally a happy guy with a positive outlook on life. I have a successful post-FIRE business but still manage to travel for pleasure a lot. But in answer to your question, I can't really recommend being single in your 50's. I'm finding it like Coleridge's ocean: Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

Here are a few more loosely-related observations, mostly because I feel like raising some eyebrows:

I see a lot of married couples. I watch them very carefully. I study them. Their tone of voice in talking to each other, their expressions, their gestures and their body language. I'm pretty much convinced that the vast majority of marriages are a year or two of delight followed by a lifetime of quiet desperation. And those are the ones that last. If you've managed to defy those odds, I salute you. You're fortunate indeed.

Why is dating so tough? Because men want a virgin whore, and women want a poet on a motorcycle.

One last thing: I've visited maybe 45 countries and lived in three, and nowhere have I had a harder time dating than the U.S. (my home country). There seems to be something about affluence and privilege that poisons romantic relationships. It may be that hyper-consumerism breeds a restlessness that is toxic to monogamy. It may be that we have all just become too eager to litigate. Whatever it is, the U.S. (especially the coasts, not so much the middle--I've lived in all three) is possibly the hardest place in the world to have a normal, satisfying love life.

 

[Amethyst]

FIFY....

G

Why is dating so tough? Because men want a virgin whore, and women want a [-]poet on a motorcycle.[/-]guy who will pick up the house and clean toilets without being asked.

That's really not so hard...is it? and you don't even have to sell the motorcycle.

 

[Major Tom]

I have absolutely no nuggets of wisdom to offer. I'm 53 and have been with my current SO for about 9 years. We live just over half a mile apart, and it's the perfect distance. We spend an afternoon together each weekend, sometimes a whole day, and get to see each other for coffee and market trips a couple of times in the week. We are both agreed that there is no way we could live together, but our current arrangement works well for both of us.

I very much need and enjoy a friend to pal around with. If it weren't for my current SO, I suspect it would take me longer to find a female pal than it has in the past. I'd like to think I'm becoming more discerning as I get older, though maybe I'm just fooling myself . On top of that, I think I'm less of a catch than I used to be, due to a combination of greater self-awareness, and less of an inclination to put up with the BS of others though, to be honest, I'll still put up with quite a lot for someone who is worth it, so maybe I'm kidding myself once more!

dvalley - I understand you feeling tired. If I weren't with my current SO, I sometimes think that I wouldn't have the energy to go through the whole "getting to know you/dating" kind of thing. Thing is though, when you run into someone you really like, suddenly it doesn't seem like work any more. I'd say, just live your life and see what happens. Maybe you'll run into someone and maybe you won't but with the right attitude, you'll run into some interesting people along the way.

Or you could get a lot of pets

 

[athena53]

I have absolutely no nuggets of wisdom to offer. I'm 53 and have been with my current SO for about 9 years. We live just over half a mile apart, and it's the perfect distance. We spend an afternoon together each weekend, sometimes a whole day, and get to see each other for coffee and market trips a couple of times in the week. We are both agreed that there is no way we could live together, but our current arrangement works well for both of us.

That's what I want! I'm female, 64, and lost DH to acute myeloid leukemia last November. I miss being able to talk to him, I REALLY miss him when I travel because we went to so many wonderful places together, but right now I actually enjoy living alone. I can't imagine having someone move in or giving up this beautiful, peaceful lakefront house that DH and I chose together to move in with someone else. The legal implications would be even scarier- if his LTC plan is "qualify for Medicaid", my assets are enough that I'd end up funding 100% of his long-term care.

I've been browsing OurTime (haven't actually paid so I can send/receive messages) and have seen a few that might be interesting and a lot of clunkers. One guy who had more education (doctorate) and more style than the others indicated that he really did want a woman in his life because "even though I'm ambidextrous, my hands are getting tired". Eeuw.

I'm not ready to remove my wedding band yet- maybe at one year? and have decided that if I'm not ready to do that, I'm not ready to date. Life is very good regardless- a nice mix of goofing off, good works, travel and spoiling my granddaughters.

 

[sheehs1]

I was separated and then divorced within 6 months about 3 years ago (July 2014) from an over 20 plus year marriage that had very little positives and many crises. I always considered myself a family person and have made many efforts to keep our blended children together during holidays and a weekly summer beach week, etc. I recognize that sort of keeps me hooked in but it made for smoother relations all the way around and all are well!

I have tried Match for 6 month stints about three times but am currently not on. There is definitely a "learning curve" to all the dating sites, not to mention the time, energy and effort. I have not met anyone that interested me enough to change my life, although I generally met nice people with a few weird ones thrown in.

I like my life for the most part and am accepting if meeting that other person doesn't happen because "forcing something" does not work for me. I may try again soon as traveling or sharing things with a significant other is priceless if it's the right person!

 

[Scuba]

GravitySucks, I'm also sorry for your loss.



Hmmmm. Where to start....

I'm mid-50's, FIREd seven years ago, never married. A fair number of girlfriends over the years, though none in the past two.

Speaking for myself, I'd say the water is lousy. I seem to have finally hit the age at which the type of woman I'm attracted to has very little interest in me. "So change your standards," you say. Well, that's easier said than done.

I live in a populous area of California and have been active on the dating websites. I've been on maybe a dozen dates, and the results have been really, really, really depressing.

Lest this start to sound like a sob story, I'll say I'm generally a happy guy with a positive outlook on life. I have a successful post-FIRE business but still manage to travel for pleasure a lot. But in answer to your question, I can't really recommend being single in your 50's. I'm finding it like Coleridge's ocean: Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

Here are a few more loosely-related observations, mostly because I feel like raising some eyebrows:

I see a lot of married couples. I watch them very carefully. I study them. Their tone of voice in talking to each other, their expressions, their gestures and their body language. I'm pretty much convinced that the vast majority of marriages are a year or two of delight followed by a lifetime of quiet desperation. And those are the ones that last. If you've managed to defy those odds, I salute you. You're fortunate indeed.

Why is dating so tough? Because men want a virgin whore, and women want a poet on a motorcycle.

One last thing: I've visited maybe 45 countries and lived in three, and nowhere have I had a harder time dating than the U.S. (my home country). There seems to be something about affluence and privilege that poisons romantic relationships. It may be that hyper-consumerism breeds a restlessness that is toxic to monogamy. It may be that we have all just become too eager to litigate. Whatever it is, the U.S. (especially the coasts, not so much the middle--I've lived in all three) is possibly the hardest place in the world to have a normal, satisfying love life.

Don't give up! My best friend who lives in So CA got married at age 53 for the first time. She tried a lot of different approaches and dated a lot of "frogs" before finding her husband, who is a great guy. She did have to compromise on one big thing - he has partial custody of 4 children and she hadn't had or wanted kids. But it's all worked out very well. There is hope!

 

[Totoro]

A bit unsure about posting, but I guess online reduces sharing hurdles somewhat. In a rush - so apologies for incoherent thoughts.

At 37, I am single, and always have been. Never had a relationship, and not really actively looking for one. Did have a vacation fling around the time I hit 30. Got my heart torn out a few times, and am definitely physically attracted to women. Some persons who happen to be female are extremely wonderful people. I know a few 'perma-single' women too.

There is a stigma of shame I find around being single, while I don't really understand the value of a relationship, marriage or having children. I do see complaints from men (male friends), divorces, custody battles, sleepless nights. A lot of lonely people share a house with someone they don't like or share very little with, feeling stuck and depressed. I think about 20% of friends I know well have marriages that actually improve their lives vs. the alternative.

I am very much alone in many ways, yet rarely am lonely. Nearly everything you do is driven by yourself - it amplifies your quirks and forces you to compensate for weaknesses if you want to stay functional. I am less outgoing than good for me, more willing to break norms and lost quite a bit of perspective on what is "normal", and what not. I have fewer reference points than others, less feedback. I couldn't care less about house decorating, as a consequence I can't really entertain guests, so I don't. I go to them. If you team up there is a chance someone will pick up on that slack.

Also talking simple things here: what do people do in weekends? sleep in? how often do people call each other? what is a foul mood? Most of my interactions are with people in moments, not long stretches of time. So I mostly see people when they are 'on-guard'. I don't see them much at their most vulnerable (fresh out of bed, late night drowsy?).

What I also have is lack of structure. No geography to bind me, no partners that have constraints or dependents. And financially independent. It is disorienting sometimes, but also liberating.

If I drop dead tomorrow noone will probably come out and find me for a few days at least. If I get permanently sick I have family to fall back on, but I would have to relocate. For in between situations, I hope the nanny state will help me out. No friendly neighbors. I'm still relatively young, but as I age I will likely get into trouble - not being embedded into family has risks. Old people with estranged children have the same issue, nothing special about that. But a risk.

I don't understand being bored living in a house by myself vs. with others - what's the difference? Being bored has to do with inner inspiration and motivation, not with external circumstances.

One aspect I truly miss is someone who has shared my trajectory and knows me very well, so when I lose control or perspective - there they are to support me, or help me remind me, or have an inside joke with. The proverbial wink that tells a lifetime, not for me. Then again, none of the couples I know with very few exceptions have that anyway. I have no mentor or go-to person when I feel weak and need guidance. But in my view that's more a shortcoming of my parents who don't provide that role, not something you should expect from a spouse? It is why I try to give guidance to others now that I am beyond the greenest years, if they want it.

I also don't have an answer that makes sense to this question: how does a relationship bring me more happiness? If I want mostly sex, it is readily available at affordable prices. Friends I have arguably more of them, but more scattered. What is companionship anyway?

I try to define it in aspects: I have an intellectual aspect, so try to find a few people where I can connect and fulfill that need. Same thing with emotional support (hard to do), social support, physical, and various interests. Many types of companion, adding richness to your life.

Instead of projecting everything into "the one" I try to weave and construct a web around me that combined gives me everything I need, and allows me to give everything I can share back. That's tough to do, but hardly boring, only lonely when you choose it to be so. But if you let it go, it will decay quite swiftly. Then again, if you don't maintain a relationship all I've seen indicates it decays even faster.

The hardest part is the biggest weakness a man has: no-one tells me I am a wonderful person. And spontaneous hugs are a rare occurrence. Then again, I could get a dog - only half joking.