Speaking of calling....

[omni550]

Were the situations where they gave your their name and number such that it would be awkward for them to ask you for your number? Like the middle of a dance class or something like that?

Are you interested at all? If so, perhaps you could text them and have a "conversation" that way and if you are still interested give them your number and ask them to call you.

While i would think it would be better to strike up a conversation with someone I was interested in and then ask for her number, perhaps the situation wasn't conducive to doing that. Or perhaps they are a bit shy.

In all of these cases, it seems as though it would have been simple enough for them to initiate a conversation with me at the end of the event (dance class or lecture, in these particular cases).

I can't speak for them (being shy, in a rush to get somewhere else, etc.), as I don't know them.

My perspective is they had enough time to assess me and decide to write their info on a slip of paper to give me. Whereas I felt a bit blindsided by someone handing me something, muttering something, and quickly departing....as in "Who was that masked man?"

Maybe it's just me but I'd feel awkward in calling or texting someone..."Hello, you gave me your name and number at [event]...who are you?"

omni

 

[eytonxav]

Hard for me to believe this is a sign of the times. I wonder if these morons had some friend tell them (or maybe the internet) to try that because it worked for the friend and if you do it enough you will get lucky.

Its definetly a nice compliment to you Omni, but I am old school too and do not approve of anyone using such a stupid approach.

 

[haha]

In all of these cases, it seems as though it would have been simple enough for them to initiate a conversation with me at the end of the event (dance class or lecture, in these particular cases).

I can't speak for them (being shy, in a rush to get somewhere else, etc.), as I don't know them.

My perspective is they had enough time to assess me and decide to write their info on a slip of paper to give me. Whereas I felt a bit blindsided by someone handing me something, muttering something, and quickly departing....as in "Who was that masked man?"

Maybe it's just me but I'd feel awkward in calling or texting someone..."Hello, you gave me your name and number at [event]...who are you?"

omni

I misunderstood. I assumed that you had danced several times, kind of hit it off, and the man just offered you his contact info rather than asking for yours. There are a lot of possible reasons for not asking you to go for a drink right then, including its Thurday night and I've got a big day tomorrow. ( Or my wife doesn't allow me to stay out late)

Are you looking for dates? Assuming that the guys who handed you their contacts were normal enough looking, it seems that calling all of them and setting up coffee dates should be straightforward enough. If it doesn't work out prefectly, well that's dating.

Ha

 

[My Dream]

Wow, times have changed, I'd like to get to know the person just a bit better first. If the name and number was meant to get to know a person better, then forgo the slip of paper and talk right then and there.......No?

Or am I too old fashion?

 

[Mulligan]

Wow, times have changed, I'd like to get to know the person just a bit better first. If the name and number was meant to get to know a person better, then forgo the slip of paper and talk right then and there.......No?

Or am I too old fashion?

I have been fortunate to be fairly successful in the dating game. Never did I just walk up and give apiece of paper with number and leave. If I was that close in physical proximation, I went ahead and conversed then one or the other gave the number to call. But many a time the first time I talked to them was on the phone. If I spotted one that caught my eye, usually I knew someone who knew someone who knew them. Then through backdoor channels, I would get the info, but they in advance were warned through those same channels I would be calling. Getting the background info first was important to prevent the embarrassment of calling someone who was already in a relationship. My best one was back preinternet days, and spotted an attractive lady and had a policeman run the plates for me to get her info for me! This all may sound odd, but I have mostly lived in smaller towns and you always would know someone who knew someone who expediated the process without it coming across as a stalker or worse

 

[omni550]

I misunderstood. I assumed that you had danced several times, kind of hit it off, and the man just offered you his contact info rather than asking for yours. There are a lot of possible reasons for not asking you to go for a drink right then, including its Thurday night and I've got a big day tomorrow. ( Or my wife doesn't allow me to stay out late)

Are you looking for dates? Assuming that the guys who handed you their contacts were normal enough looking, it seems that calling all of them and setting up coffee dates should be straightforward enough. If it doesn't work out prefectly, well that's dating.

Ha

My reason for being at the dance class and lectures was for learning (which is one of my passions).

While I'm not actively looking for dates, I'm open to meeting a "certain someone".

omni

 

[Animorph]

It does sound safer than giving your own phone number out. If the circumstances were a brief meeting and you wouldn't expect to meet again in the future I'd be willing to call the guy/girl if I was attracted. But I'm a guy and that's a more traditional role for me. Otherwise, perhaps the way they handled the meeting was not a great recommendation to begin with. No obligation if you're not interested, for any reason.

 

[omni550]

Otherwise, perhaps the way they handled the meeting was not a great recommendation to begin with. No obligation if you're not interested, for any reason.

I appreciate this and agree.

Thanks.

omni

 

[Shawn]

A very smalll minority of men are looking for this dependent role. IMO there are at least as many women looking for some financial help as men looking for emotional or housekeeping services. Any man can check this by lying about his occupation with newly met woman in whom he has no real interest. Some of them will turn on like light bulbs if you describe a prestigious high paid career. Or go out like the lights after a blown fuse if you claim a low level work life. Dating is sometimes a bigger dose of reality than a person necessarily wants.

Very true. When I was actively using match.com, the number of initial contacts I had with women easily could be controlled simply by hiding or displaying my income in the income field. When hidden, I received few responses. When displayed, I received many. It was like flipping a switch. Night and day difference. I'll admit that it was particularly amusing to observe the reaction of some women when I showed up in my 1980 Toyota Corolla Wagon. One might think they would have been impressed with my economic good sense, impressive gas mileage, and the sentimentality I had towards my car. Nope. It was fascinating and discouraging at the same time. Yes, dating can be a big dose of reality.

I haven't dated in about 5 years. The expectation that I do all the work is exhausting. I'm supposed to initiate. I'm supposed to call. I'm supposed to determine where we go. I'm supposed to pick her up or drive to a place near her home. I'm supposed to pay. After the date, I'm a jerk if I don't call - but only if she likes me. If she doesn't like me, then I'm a jerk if I do call. It's my fault for not being able to read her mind. Like I said, it's exhausting. It's not worth it.

I realize many women here will think or say, "I'm not like that." That may be true, but it is still what I observe on a regular basis. I believe the double standards are unfortunate. In the veremchuka thread, I didn't see anyone referring to the woman as a "moron" for giving him her number. The woman was not criticized for "having the nerve" to expect that he might call. In fact, most people encouraged him to call. Yes, there may have been more interaction in that case and there was the added and IMO more compelling story with the woman's cat, but the issue is still the same.

I don't dance, but if I was at a seminar and a woman came up to me and gave me her number, I would be so impressed with her initiative that I likely would call her back even if I wasn't immediately attracted to her. Initiative and independence go a long way. I look at my women friends, even ex-girlfriends with whom I still interact. One of my best friends is an ex-girlfriend from almost 20 years ago. When we do something together today, it's often a battle to see who "gets" to pay. It was no different when we were dating. Reciprocity.

I think people who want to complain about what "men do" need to be equally reflective and complain about what "women don't do." It's easy to answer the OP's question, "What is it with guys these days?" Men behave the way they do because women behave the way they do. It's a two way street.

 

[Chuckanut]

Actually, there is (or was) a book out for men, newly back in the dating pool, that recommended having a card made out and handing it to women they were interested in. The theory was that the woman would not be put on the spot and would be more comfortable calling or e-mailing in her own time. The reality was: That it failed for me like it failed for most other guys.

So, now I resort to the only thing that works consistently well. I don't spend much time worrying if a woman goes out with me or not. If I want to hear some Jazz tonight I simply ask her "I am going to Cool-Jazz-Place this evening to listen to some jazz, would you care to come with me?" If she says yes, hopefully, I have a charming, intelligent and attractive woman to listen to jazz with. If she says NO!, I still can enjoy listening to jazz. And flirting with other charming, intelligent, and attractive women at the jazz club.

 

[W2R]

Actually, there is (or was) a book out for men, newly back in the dating pool, that recommended having a card made out and handing it to women they were interested in. The theory was that the woman would not be put on the spot and would be more comfortable calling or e-mailing in her own time. The reality was: That it failed for me like it failed for most other guys.

So, now I resort to the only thing that works consistently well. I don't spend much time worrying if a woman goes out with me or not. If I want to hear some Jazz tonight I simply ask her "I am going to Cool-Jazz-Place this evening to listen to some jazz, would you care to come with me?" If she says yes, hopefully, I have a charming, intelligent and attractive woman to listen to jazz with. If she says NO!, I still can enjoy listening to jazz. And flirting with other charming, intelligent, and attractive women at the jazz club.

I like your approach! Friendly, direct, low key, and not drowning in emotional baggage. Just enjoying jazz and having fun with someone, and maybe getting to know her gradually over time. There is plenty of time to connect on a deeper level once you know that you even like one another.

 

[Chuckanut]

Very true. When I was actively using match.com, the number of initial contacts I had with women easily could be controlled simply by hiding or displaying my income in the income field. When hidden, I received few responses. When displayed, I received many. It was like flipping a switch. Night and day difference. I'll admit that it was particularly amusing to observe the reaction of some women when I showed up in my 1980 Toyota Corolla Wagon.

Women can be as hypocrtitial and selfish as men when it comes to dating. Several years ago I was with a group of friends (male and female) listening to some jazz. One lady, very over-weight, was going on and on how how stupid men were in only judging a woman's apperance, not caring about her character, intelligence, etc. Later that evening I overheard her telling a lady friend she would only date men who were tall and had a full head of hair.

 

[Nords]

Very true. When I was actively using match.com, the number of initial contacts I had with women easily could be controlled simply by hiding or displaying my income in the income field. When hidden, I received few responses. When displayed, I received many. It was like flipping a switch. Night and day difference. I'll admit that it was particularly amusing to observe the reaction of some women when I showed up in my 1980 Toyota Corolla Wagon. One might think they would have been impressed with my economic good sense, impressive gas mileage, and the sentimentality I had towards my car. Nope. It was fascinating and discouraging at the same time. Yes, dating can be a big dose of reality.

I wonder what that says about dating in general, or just about the type of people you meet on dating websites.

One conclusion could be that the truly desirable* people never need to resort to dating websites.

* [In the sense of "life partner", not "lust at first sight"...]

 

[W2R]

I'll admit that it was particularly amusing to observe the reaction of some women when I showed up in my 1980 Toyota Corolla Wagon. One might think they would have been impressed with my economic good sense, impressive gas mileage, and the sentimentality I had towards my car. Nope. It was fascinating and discouraging at the same time.

One of the things that I loved about Frank from the start, is that his car looked even worse than mine (which was a rolling wreck, essentially, but neither one of us had payments to make). What a relief that was! I guess I am trying to get across is that I can really relate to what you are saying.

 

[Mulligan]

Actually, there is (or was) a book out for men, newly back in the dating pool, that recommended having a card made out and handing it to women they were interested in. The theory was that the woman would not be put on the spot and would be more comfortable calling or e-mailing in her own time. The reality was: That it failed for me like it failed for most other guys.

So, now I resort to the only thing that works consistently well. I don't spend much time worrying if a woman goes out with me or not. If I want to hear some Jazz tonight I simply ask her "I am going to Cool-Jazz-Place this evening to listen to some jazz, would you care to come with me?" If she says yes, hopefully, I have a charming, intelligent and attractive woman to listen to jazz with. If she says NO!, I still can enjoy listening to jazz. And flirting with other charming, intelligent, and attractive women at the jazz club.

Sounds like you have a solid attitude in your second paragraph. Never be afraid of rejection and dont take it personally if it happens and move on. That first paragraph.... I hope that book is long out of print. If a woman ever did that to me, I would either think she was a prostitute, or a serious nerd. Neither of which I would have an interest in.

 

[omni550]

I wonder what that says about dating in general, or just about the type of people you meet on dating websites.

One conclusion could be that the truly desirable* people never need to resort to dating websites.

* [In the sense of "life partner", not "lust at first sight"...]

Nords,

I'm curious...where are the 'truly desirable' people meeting one another? I'd love to know.

omni

 

[W2R]

Nords,

I'm curious...where are the 'truly desirable' people meeting one another? I'd love to know.

omni

Seems like they are everywhere. I met Frank on a dating website 12 years ago, for example.... I agree with Nords that dating websites are not ideal, but then for those of us who don't drink the options are limited. I almost despaired of meeting anyone reasonable there until we met.

 

[omni550]

Seems like they are everywhere. I met Frank on a dating website 12 years ago, for example.... I agree with Nords that dating websites are not ideal, but then for those of us who don't drink the options are limited. I almost despaired of meeting anyone reasonable there until we met.

You're very lucky. From all that I've read about Frank, he seems like a fabulous companion.

Perhaps those people are driven to drink as a result of their less-than stellar online dating experiences.

omni

 

[W2R]

You're very lucky. From all that I've read about Frank, he seems like a fabulous companion.

Yes, I am so lucky. He and I seem to get along wonderfully. It took a couple of years after my divorce before we met, but it was worth the wait.

Perhaps those people are driven to drink as a result of their less-than stellar online dating experiences.

omni

Good one! You're probably right.

 

[Moemg]

Omni , It's a compliment that men are handing you their contact information . At my age the only thing they ask me about is whether the canned fruit is in the third or fourth aisle and do I recommend prunes for their irregularity .

 

[Nords]

Nords,
I'm curious...where are the 'truly desirable' people meeting one another? I'd love to know.
omni

You mean, other than dancing lessons? I would've thought that was a pretty reliable method. Maybe you end up with the equivalent of a dancing black belt before you find someone.

If I knew as a 14-year-old guy what I know now, I would've taken up dressage or Western riding. And martial arts.

But I suspect that the key is activities where there's no pressure to "meet" someone. Something that brings medium to large groups of people together for activities that don't require too much one-on-one interaction. Like cycling or running or paddling clubs, or crewing on a sailboat, or a non-profit hands-on activity like Habitat For Humanity. Or training for a triathlon. Or martial arts, where you meet people who know people and where you regularly do tournaments that bring together crowds. Or Lions Club or Rotary or Toastmasters. Or kid's sports leagues. Or a community graffiti paint-out or a beach cleanup. Or a local church or community theater (usher duty/ticket sales). Or veteran's groups or the Navy League (and its ilk).

Or, heaven forbid, at work.

 

[W2R]

I loved Toastmasters! It was fun, challenging (since I am a little shy), and gave me the skills to communicate effectively at meetings. So it was a great career move. It was just me and a dozen married men, but I can see that for some it could provide a nice setting for getting to know someone.

Edited to add: So, my point is that men do attend Toastmasters', and if there doesn't happen to be anybody eligible there then at least it is fun and can be a good career move.

 

[eytonxav]

My best one was back preinternet days, and spotted an attractive lady and had a policeman run the plates for me to get her info for me!

I don't know about other states, but here in Texas doing that could get the LEO fired and even possibly jail time.

As to internet dating, DW mentioned to me the other day that one of her coworker's last child got married and like his other two sibblings, met their significant other over the internet. I don't know if that meant via a dating website or on a forum. Seems like forums could be a good way to get to know people and figure out who you like. I know there are several on here that I would like to meet in person for dinner and a few margaritas. Makes me wonder if there have been any online relationships on this forum that turned into more than that?

 

[Walt34]

I'll admit that it was particularly amusing to observe the reaction of some women when I showed up in my 1980 Toyota Corolla Wagon. One might think they would have been impressed with my economic good sense, impressive gas mileage, and the sentimentality I had towards my car.

It can work the other way too. While I was dating the lady who would become DW a few years later I was still driving my neon green 1970 Plymouth Duster with an AM radio and no A/C. I replaced it with a brand-new 1985 Chevy 4WD pickup truck that even had A/C, an option then.

One of the guys at work reacted with surprise "You're going to go out on dates in a pickup truck?"

My response was "Yeah. And if some girl won't go out with me because I drive a pickup truck that's fine. It'll save us both a lot of bother".

And during the summer DW just liked that it had A/C.

 

[Sarah in SC]

My only friends who met their husbands on a dating site married complete psychos. I attribute that to A) their poor skills at discernment and B) the dating sites attracted psychos. Sample size of two.