SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR OF E-MAILS

[Alex]

Thought you all might enjoy this:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about

rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have

to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs

sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open

for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a

sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the

hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will

change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill

Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214

angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena

has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are

actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or

feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though

I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get

answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends

and make a wish within five minutes.



Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola

because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man

along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl

in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people

who make these products are atheists who refuse to put

"Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it

causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup

water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up

in my face....disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

because I could be pricked with a needle infected with

AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will

drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since

they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and

don't support our American troops or the Salvation

Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill

with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and

Uzbekistan.



I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change

once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus

since I now have their recipe.



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

because a big brown African spider is lurking under

the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my

butt.



Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney

has given us. I can live a better life now because

he's told us how to fix everything.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up

the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because

it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car
to grab my leg.



Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer

drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with

diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest

your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a

friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician