The $5,000 Wedding Veil (reality TV version)

[rayinpenn]

Even thought I am a part timer, working three days a week, I am busy. If I'm working from home I normally will work in the extra bedroom. I have a great set up- Glass desk facing 2 windows and three monitors (one is the laptop). Today I set up on the kitchen table working on a programming challenge. I just didn't feel like doing the hermit thing upstairs. The Mrs. and 23 year old single daughter, in a long term relationship, are in the den watching Say Yes to the Dress. Definitely not my kind of show. I am more the National Geographic leaf cutter ant special. Fascinating. I'll leave the room if they ever put on the kardasians. Apparently in this episode the bride dropped a cool $15,000 on the dress and another $5,000 on the veil. I find that disgusting. I've noticed my daughter watching this show before. I am confident there's a storm brewing and I could end up being the 'bad guy'. Well I have hurricane lamps and a generator for storm related power outages don't I? Well time for some thoughtful pre marriage storm planning.

I've seen Father of the bride with Spencer Tracy and then with Steve Martin. Spencer does frustration like no one else. Steve's got that whole comedy thing mastered. Still scary stuff for a dad. I'm not built for all that Consumerism, conspicuous consumption and all that in for a 'penny stuff'. I'm thinking my counter weapon to heavy guilt will be a fixed budget. Hand them the money and say I'm now out of it. The trick is don't let them suck you in. Right?

Not sure how it's going to work but I need to ponder on it...any thoughts?

 

[aja8888]

My daughter (from a previous marriage) is getting married in April 2018. She is 37 and never been married. I am paying for the wedding location and fixings. She is buying her dress. So far, she is looking at $300 - $500 wedding dresses. (apparently there are some nice Chinese made ones). She is very practical and realizes it is a one time use garment.

Looks like I will be signing for $10,000 - $15,000 in location, DJ, photographer, buffet dinner, JP (my BIL), and odds and ends.

She's worth it and her fiance is a keeper.

 

[Ready]

I think you should talk to your daughter about how this show and the money being spent on these items made you feel while you were watching it, so that she understands where you are coming from and hopefully the expectation is being set that you don't plan on spending that kind of money on her wedding. If she really thinks that type of spending is appropriate, I hope she plans to either make a lot of money or marry someone who does.

 

[rodi]

A few thoughts. If the bridge/groom/parents are wealthy, then no reason not to spend big if you find a dress or veil you love.

You could go route that my dad did for my sister and me. He said he'd offer $x towards a wedding or wedding gift. My sister spent it on the wedding... I was more frugal with the wedding and had it pay for the honeymoon and travel as well. (We got married in my hometown - not where we were living.)

I wanted a nice, memorable, but small wedding. We were married on the beach (free). My best friend made me a beautiful raw silk dress (and her maid of honor dress). I made my own hand tied rose bouquets, bouteniers, corsages... ordering flowers in bulk to do this. My veil was based on netting from a veil kit from Michaels and the headband piece that my MIL and SIL used. I made the invitations - very beautiful, with rafia tying the invite sheets together. Since the wedding was small we reserved a banquet room at a local eatery ON THE BEACH - and ordered off the brunch menu. Later my sister hosted a party at her house with a keg of beer, wine from costco, and lots of finger food from costco.

All in - $1500 for the wedding, $3500 for the Hawaiian honeymoon... so $5k.

I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[rodi]

Aja888 - congrats on your daughter's upcoming nuptials. I was 38 when I got married - so I can relate to your daughter!

 

[MuirWannabe]

Even thought I am a part timer, working three days a week, I am busy. If I'm working from home I normally will work in the extra bedroom. I have a great set up- Glass desk facing 2 windows and three monitors (one is the laptop). Today I set up on the kitchen table working on a programming challenge. I just didn't feel like doing the hermit thing upstairs. The Mrs. and 23 year old single daughter, in a long term relationship, are in the den watching Say Yes to the Dress. Definitely not my kind of show. I am more the National Geographic leaf cutter ant special. Fascinating. I'll leave the room if they ever put on the kardasians. Apparently in this episode the bride dropped a cool $15,000 on the dress and another $5,000 on the veil. I find that disgusting. I've noticed my daughter watching this show before. I am confident there's a storm brewing and I could end up being the 'bad guy'. Well I have hurricane lamps and a generator for storm related power outages don't I? Well time for some thoughtful pre marriage storm planning.

I've seen Father of the bride with Spencer Tracy and then with Steve Martin. Spencer does frustration like no one else. Steve's got that whole comedy thing mastered. Still scary stuff for a dad. I'm not built for all that Consumerism, conspicuous consumption and all that in for a 'penny stuff'. I'm thinking my counter weapon to heavy guilt will be a fixed budget. Hand them the money and say I'm now out of it. The trick is don't let them suck you in. Right?

Not sure how it's going to work but I need to ponder on it...any thoughts?

That’s exactly how I handled it. Gave both my daughters $26K each and then was out of the planning. My next interaction with wedding matters was going to their rehearsal. Seemed to work well. Along with DW, they then become the budget managers. They knew they could keep any remainder for savings. But they both pretty much used it all for the wedding. I was fine either way.

Of course I love them very much. This method prevented me from being the bad guy or being at odds with them.

Muir

 

[athena53]

I agree that you should tell her what you're willing to spend, give it to her and then, like my parents, say, "Just tell us when and where we need to be". If she blows it all on the dress she and her fiance will have to fund everything else from other sources.

 

[FUEGO]

A few thoughts. If the bridge/groom/parents are wealthy, then no reason not to spend big if you find a dress or veil you love.

I hope my portfolio grows to the point that one day I can say "yes" to a $5,000 wedding veil without batting an eye! Not quite there yet

Though it's unlikely that my grounded and worldly daughters would (a) think a $5,000 hat with see-through scarf thingy was ever a good idea and (b) ask me for the money. So it's probably a hypothetical concern more than a real concern in my case.

You could go route that my dad did for my sister and me. He said he'd offer $x towards a wedding or wedding gift. My sister spent it on the wedding... I was more frugal with the wedding and had it pay for the honeymoon and travel as well. (We got married in my hometown - not where we were living.)

I'm planning on going this route and starting the discussion early on (maybe sometime in college). Set aside $X thousand for new/used car, house down payment, business seed money, wedding, "emergencies", etc. Either give it to them outright at age 21 or whatever or give them an IOU. Haven't figured out the specifics but I figure a flat amount for all the big stuff is a smarter and more equitable way to treat all 3 kids.

In my earlier FIRE planning days I thought X might equal $5-10k per kid but if net worth growth continues unabated (without a huge increase in expenses) that number might be higher.

 

[rayinpenn]

I should say that there's no ring yet so we have time...

 

[MichaelB]

The $5k veil is reality tv, an extreme situation designed to provoke outrage, and it seems to be working. Our children chose a more practical route, preferring a lower profile wedding and banking the difference.

 

[Moemg]

I gave my daughter a set amount but I also paid for the dress and veil . We went wedding dress shopping together . Seeing my daughter in a wedding dress and veil was priceless and you can not put a price on that .I still get misty thinking about that day.

 

[Souschef]

We eloped! My wife and I had both lost our spouses after long marriages, and happened to meet through a grief recovery group. It turned out we both liked to travel, we started to travel together. We were going on a cruise from Venice to Istanbul, stopping at Santorini. . It turns out it is a very popular place for weddings, and there are a number of wedding coordinators on the island. I e-mailed one named Anna, and she was very helpful with the information.
I made the arrangements, and when we got to the top of the tram, a lady showed up with a sign with our names on it and escorted us to the car. We were driven to the church of St. Irene, and waiting there was the photographer, the videographer, and the official who conducted the ceremony.
The whole package was less than $1K

 

[rayinpenn]

The $5k veil is reality tv, an extreme situation designed to provoke outrage, and it seems to be working. Our children chose a more practical route, preferring a lower profile wedding and banking the difference.

Perhaps but I am not convinced. I attended a wedding at a castle on Long Island. Yes an old estate that resembled a castle. I estimate the cost at $125,000. It was fun but it was also over the top.

 

[bclover]

What you have to remember RayinPenn, is that weddings are 90% emotional. lol
it's a big billion dollar industry.

So I'm the quintessential "girlie-girl". If it's pink I love it, I've spent the equivalent of a small countries GDP on makeup. lol.

Tread carefully here.

Now I'm a product of a 1950's mom, we started planning my wedding when I turned 16 lol all we had to do is fill in the grooms spot. No way was I going to have a "low profile" anything.

As many of you know I'm a Disney fanatic, I've seen weddings there that easily cost 100's of thousands of dollars.

I have no problem with the price of any luxury good IF a person could afford it. I had a big wedding (350 guest at the NY Hilton) so I'm not in the position to criticize anyone for dropping a bundle but the old guy and I were living together and had already had a bank account for our first house.

Say yes to the dress is one of my favorite shows. If I met someone, fell in love and got married again, would I spend 15K on a dress?? probably not, not because I think that obscene but probably because I want to get married in Paris and I would use that 15K to fly my friends and family over to the wedding.

 

[bclover]

PS. lol, I have all sons... traditionally all I'm responsible for is the Booze at the reception and a rehearsal dinner.

Yea baby...

 

[Tadpole]

Not sure how it's going to work but I need to ponder on it...any thoughts?

If you don't sew, learn to sew focusing on handling wedding veil material. When she asks for a $5,000 veil, give her a choice. Either a more reasonably priced veil or a rayinpenn knockoff of her favorite $5000 veil.

Or give rayinpenn a choice - Either give her the money or tell her to figure where she is going to find the additional money over your $500 to buy the veil.

When I see the possibility of a $20,000 expenditure on a wedding dress, I confess I think the wedding is going to be so expensive as a whole that this dress price won't matter much. I am willing to bet that any child of rayinpenn is smarter than that.

 

[Danmar]

Obviously every family is different, but have you talked to her about what she wants? Many daughters don’t want an expensive wedding, some do. Have you given her any indication about what you think would be a reasonable wedding? Communication is key.

In my case my daughter asked me at a very early age if I would pay for a big traditional wedding and I “promised” I would. So my “goose was cooked” long before the actual event.

 

[Z3Dreamer]

Two established attorneys from well-off families drop $125,000 on a wedding. I have no problem with that. What I see is a pair of 20 something year olds who rent an apartment, making car payments, still paying off college debt and still drop $50,000 on a wedding. If they would have that $5,000 wedding, the rest could have paid off all their debts and given them a down payment on a house.

I have seen these mega-weddings ruin a relationship because it appears that one of the two only cares about the wedding and not the person they are marrying. I had to put my foot down when my fiance wanted me to take off from work to visit the printer to decide on the font for the invitations. BTW, we had a big no-frills wedding and just celebrated 33 years of .... bliss (?).

Thank you for allowing me to rant on one of my favorite subjects - How spending too much on a wedding can ruin your marriage.

PS - A young lady I know is going down this bad path and although I do not hear every detail, I can just tell that the groom is not happy with her slowly growing the small wedding they agreed upon into the mega-wedding she deserves.

 

[Mdlerth]

Starting off the journey of nuptial ecstasy with a one-day frenzy of extravagance bothers me. Being a hopeless romantic, I think the focus of a wedding ought to be about mutual love, not showing off.

It's not about a dress. It's not about cashing in on gifts. It's not about an exotic vacation. A consumerist culture tries to convince us we need those things, but we don't.

I know, I belong in the paleontology exhibit at the Smithsonian.

 

[MichaelB]

Perhaps but I am not convinced. I attended a wedding at a castle on Long Island. Yes an old estate that resembled a castle. I estimate the cost at $125,000. It was fun but it was also over the top.

Not convinced about what? That reality TV presents situations that are exaggerated, and designed to provoke reactions such as this thread?

Sure people spend wild amounts of money on weddings. Many also spend more than they can afford. The business of weddings is quite successful. But this is not much different than many other aspects of life that we routinely discuss here. Some people live below their means, many others will spend what they don't have. Such is life.

IMHO The time to start talking about weddings with a child is in their early teen years. Let them know clearly what they can expect, and how they should think about it. Otherwise by the time they are engaged, their expectations have been set by the business of weddings, and you are on the hook with no easy way out.

 

[Danmar]

IMHO The time to start talking about weddings with a child is in their early teen years. Let them know clearly what they can expect, and how they should think about it. Otherwise by the time they are engaged, their expectations have been set by the business of weddings, and you are on the hook with no easy way out.

+1.

 

[Walt34]

She is buying her dress. So far, she is looking at $300 - $500 wedding dresses. (apparently there are some nice Chinese made ones). She is very practical and realizes it is a one time use garment.

That's what DW did in 1988 when we got married. I don't know where the dress was made, but it looked great on her and it was $200 at J. C. Penny's. According to the inflation calculator at bls.gov that is equivalent to ~$413 now so we're in the same ballpark.

 

[pb4uski]

DD got engaged last December and married in July. Early on, we said that we woudl pay $x and if their total cost was less than $x they they could keep any difference. If their total cost was between $x and $x+y, then we would pay 50% of any excess over $x and they would be responsible for the other 50%. If they spend more than $x+y, then any excess was on their dime.

Funny, the $x that I proposed was about 60% of what I had in my retirement plan in anticipation of some pushback from DW and/or DD.... but DD declared that $x was "generous" so she obviously had something lower in mind. As it turns out I just wrote her a check for $x and we were all set.

Towards the end of the reception DD approached me and said that neither she nor DSIL remembered to bring a checkbook and that they needed to make a final payment to the photographer and asked if I happened to have a checkbook on me and that they would pay me back. I did, and wrote a check to the photographer for another 10% of $x and haven't bothered to ask her for it.... their wedding present.

The happy couple did all the wedding planning... it was their vision... we just paid the bill and helped with some of the logistics. For example, DW is really into gardening and grew a lot of the flowers and got others from her gardening friends... and DD bought some flowers from Trader Joe's... DW made all the flowers for the reception, bride and bridesmaids bouquets, all the boutineers, etc..... total cost.... $200. That's my girl!

While I was at the wedding one of the guests was telling me that he had recently attended a high-brow wedding earlier in the summer and it was $40,000.... for just the flowers!!

 

[Hermit]

DD planned and put together her own wedding. They had their first anniversary last month. She is more frugal than I. We started with a budget of $12K which I thought was pretty small. She used her Mom's veil which was made by her grandmother who was a professional seamstress along with some beadwork from her mother's wedding dress. Her best friend's mom did the sewing. They started with a low cost wedding dress and went from there. The final tab was about $15k. She was upset with not sticking to her budget, but I assured her it was fine with me. I thought they did a great job on budgeting and, partly as a result of that, was happy to tell them the loan they asked for to help with the down payment on their house last month would be a gift.

 

[Bestwifeever]

My wedding was tiny and cheap (no wedding gown, no veil), and perfect for DH and me, but I’ve made six or seven wedding veils in the past ten years and charged the brides $0 for them. Can I get bonus points for that?