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Old 11-29-2010, 11:01 AM   #141
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Fast-forward to now; my wife has constantly enabled this addicted, violent, felonious psychopath to the determent of our marriage. I pumped $35,000 into a major rehab for the daughter back in 2006, a loan to my wife. Each year it got worse and worse, with arrests, violence, and abuse of my wife.
You have my sympathies and best wishes. I have watched a good friend of mine struggle with exactly the same issues for almost as many years. You and he are both much stronger than I for lasting this long.
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Old 11-29-2010, 11:39 AM   #142
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. We always knew that our challenges in this marriage focused on my wife's youngest daughter. She was 14 when we married, a nasty, abusive, and sometimes violent child. I always hoped that this child would grow out of it, or at least leave and live her own life.

.

Sorry to hear about your problem ! Remarriage when children are involved is a landmine waiting to explode .
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:31 PM   #143
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I seem to go back and forth on the remarriage issue. However, I must confess; when I dig down deep...I would not get involved with a man that would never consider the possibility of marriage.
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:32 PM   #144
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My wife and I are now right on the cusp of divorce. After years of propping my DW up in every way, I guess the last straw(s) have arrived on my back.

So, remarriage is a real risk, with nearly two thirds ending in divorce. We're in counseling, and I'm trying to get the DW to go with me to Families Anon.
I hope this winds up in a way that is good for you.

Back when I was struggling along I got a book from the library by some guy who essentially said-"Why do you think that marriage should be work, or is worth a lot of work, or that you should be the one to do this work?" I couldn't think of a good reason other than that I had accepted this role, and it began to dawn on me that I really didn't have to accept any role that I didn't want to, other than law-abiding self supporting citizen, polite person, good father, one who showers regularly etc.

To hell with doing a lot of unpaid and unlikely to be appreciated propping!

It hurts to give up a dream, or an habitual relationship which is certain to have had its pleasurable moments and its real benefits. But it also feels good to lay that burden down.

Ha
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:39 PM   #145
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I would not get involved with a man that would never consider the possibility of marriage.
What about a guy they considered and rejected it?
I think that is the issue. Those guys have thought about marriage and realized it isn't for them.

I would be more concerned with the guy who said he's unsure about marriage. He hasn't thought about it enough.

I would be somewhat concerned about the guy that said he wants to get married. Is the right person a priority or the state of marriage he envisions?
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:40 PM   #146
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Wow, freebird,

Man, is that a truism!

I'm going to add it to my list of quotes (started in another thread).

omni
Here's a few more choice ones for you...

I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.

I do not believe in emptying a man's wallet.

I don't need your money...I have my own.
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:46 PM   #147
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I seem to go back and forth on the remarriage issue. However, I must confess; when I dig down deep...I would not get involved with a man that would never consider the possibility of marriage.
Know thyself is a good motto, which you seem to have done. Me too, and that knowing basically has deposited me in a place where I feel I am not at all negative to BF/GF relationships- a good woman can handle all my business and leave me for dead... just no way do I want any kind of sneak up on me entanglements.

Ha
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:54 PM   #148
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What about a guy they considered and rejected it?
I think that is the issue. Those guys have thought about marriage and realized it isn't for them.

I would be more concerned with the guy who said he's unsure about marriage. He hasn't thought about it enough.

I would be somewhat concerned about the guy that said he wants to get married. Is the right person a priority or the state of marriage he envisions?
You bring up very good points...

I suppose I'm trying to say that I need possibilities. A closed door in this regard would hurt my heart.

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Know thyself is a good motto, which you seem to have done. Me too, and that knowing basically has deposited me in a place where I feel I am not at all negative to BF/GF relationships- a good woman can handle all my business and leave me for dead... just no way do I want any kind of sneak up on me entanglements.

Ha
Mmmm, hmmmm...fair enough darlin'.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:06 PM   #149
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I seem to go back and forth on the remarriage issue. However, I must confess; when I dig down deep...I would not get involved with a man that would never consider the possibility of marriage.
Of the same opinion. My son has been going steady with his girlfriend for 3 years now. Both have steady jobs in the public sector. He has the gall to tell me that he doesn´t plan to marry. And, neither has she-or so she says.
But what I find most unbelievable is that -according to my son- his theoretical mother in law agrees with their plans......

We are talking conservative small town mores around here, where gossip rules.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:20 PM   #150
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I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.
Doesn't that depend on the angle of the dangle?
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:27 PM   #151
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I'll repeat one of my "truisms" from another thread because I think it fits well here...

Love is love, business is business

Call me cynical, but it seems to me that marriage is less about love these days and more about business (benefits, money, custody, joint vs separate property in crippling divorce settlements from h*ll, etc). Equitable (50-50) splits of assets are a fairy tale from what I have directly observed.

I am a romantic at heart, but the more of what I see my friends go through in divorce court proceedings, the more I run in the other direction. And I am not the marrying type to begin with...
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:28 PM   #152
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I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.
You need the Ha rule 11b-2a- do not date men who sport wallet chains.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:29 PM   #153
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Of the same opinion. My son has been going steady with his girlfriend for 3 years now. Both have steady jobs in the public sector. He has the gall to tell me that he doesn´t plan to marry. And, neither has she-or so she says.
But what I find most unbelievable is that -according to my son- his theoretical mother in law agrees with their plans......

We are talking conservative small town mores around here, where gossip rules.
mmm...well, maybe the theoretical mother in law is thinking of writing a book. Scandal sells...don't ya know? .......
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:36 PM   #154
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Here's a few more choice ones for you...

I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.

I do not believe in emptying a man's wallet.

I don't need your money...I have my own.
Same here.

And that scares some of them.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:37 PM   #155
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Doesn't that depend on the angle of the dangle?
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You need the Ha rule 11b-2a- do not date men who sport wallet chains.



Take 10 points each, men.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:37 PM   #156
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mmm...well, maybe the theoretical mother in law is thinking of writing a book. Scandal sells...don't ya know? .......
If that is the case she´ll need a ghost writer
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:39 PM   #157
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I have been remarried for eleven & 1/2 years. We are both professionals who brought in two children each from a prior marriage. We always knew that our challenges in this marriage focused on my wife's youngest daughter. She was 14 when we married, a nasty, abusive, and sometimes violent child. I always hoped that this child would grow out of it, or at least leave and live her own life.

Fast-forward to now; my wife has constantly enabled this addicted, violent, felonious psychopath to the determent of our marriage. I pumped $35,000 into a major rehab for the daughter back in 2006, a loan to my wife. Each year it got worse and worse, with arrests, violence, and abuse of my wife.

My wife and I are now right on the cusp of divorce. After years of propping my DW up in every way, I guess the last straw(s) have arrived on my back.

So, remarriage is a real risk, with nearly two thirds ending in divorce. We're in counseling, and I'm trying to get the DW to go with me to Families Anon.
Bless you for years of trying.

Similar situations often wreck first marriages, where both parties are the biological parents. The stress of being the step-parent to this girl and watching her mother try to deal with her must have multiplied the difficulties.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:39 PM   #158
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I'll repeat one of my "truisms" from another thread because I think it fits well here...

Love is love, business is business

Call me cynical, but it seems to me that marriage is less about love these days and more about business (benefits, money, custody, joint vs separate property in crippling divorce settlements from h*ll, etc). Equitable (50-50) splits of assets are a fairy tale from what I have directly observed.

I am a romantic at heart, but the more of what I see my friends go through in divorce court proceedings, the more I run in the other direction. And I am not the marrying type to begin with...
I suppose a future marriage is not 100% impossible. But I assure you that if so everything shall be in writing.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:55 PM   #159
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Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !
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Old 11-29-2010, 02:03 PM   #160
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Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !
What I see on the part of men who have been around the block is not a fear to love, or not a fear that it might end- in fact endings and new beginnings are often more fun than just more of same ol' same ol'. Contrary to some ideas, many men like love and romance (including me).

It is more rebellion at the high and unpredictable exit fees. People balk at annuity exit fees, which are chicken feed compared to those of marriages or marriage analogs.

Ha
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