The Case Against Remarriage

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird5825 I came out smelling like a rose.........Heeheeheee .

Does this imply you simply avoided an unfair split of financial assets at the end. Or because you benefitted from a split that was in your favor?

If it was in your favor, would you mind sharing what tactics on your part, or what mistakes on his part, led to this outcome? Just asking cuz I think actual experiences such as this would be worth a zillion times more that the general advise given in the article we're discussing.

If that's too personal, completely understood.

[easysurfer]

My disclaimer...not married here.

But have been reading the posts on the case against remarriage. Which begs the question. Can the same case be put for against marriage in general?

[FinanceDude]

If DW ever died, I would not remarry. I would, however, date and maybe even consider a live-in SO............

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by easysurfer My disclaimer...not married here. But have been reading the posts on the case against remarriage. Which begs the question. Can the same case be put for against marriage in general?

Absolutely not. You could make some case but the same case would be far too much of a generalization. Things change over the course of a lifetime. The circumstances, needs, risks, pros-cons, etc. for a pair of youngsters is different than for a couple of mid-lifers looking at remarriage after the loss (for whatever reason)of a previous spouse.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by easysurfer My disclaimer...not married here. But have been reading the posts on the case against remarriage. Which begs the question. Can the same case be put for against marriage in general?

I would say it depends on how risk averse you are, and what are your opinions about people and life in general.

Form MY POV, the answer is a certain yes, it does apply. If you want children you will need a lot of help, and within the 1st world you might be just giving a call on your net worth and earning ability no matter what steps you take.

However, if you do not want children from a relationship it seems that peope are already voting with their feet, as both marriage rates and % of married adults continue to fall year after year.

Ha

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I would say it depends on how risk averse you are

I think there would be risks on both sides of the ledger. There are certainly risks to entering marriage and living life as part of a married couple and then facing the problem of your spouse wanting out, or just as bad, you wanting out.

OTOH, I think there would be other risks to living together and raising a family with a person who has no legal obligation in the project, especially if you turn out to be the more responsible person. That concept has driven the development of common law marriage laws as a protection to the abandoned partner.

When you're talking remarriage in later life, my opinion is that the risks associated with marriage grow and the risks associated with cohabitating in lieu of marriage diminish.

Hey, life is a risk. You're born into an inhospitable world and it's one challenge after another from that day on.......

[Danmar]

As I posted previously, I have plenty of experience re marriage and divorce. For me the only thing worse than marriage is living alone and dying lonely. Blast away

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar As I posted previously, I have plenty of experience re marriage and divorce. For me the only thing worse than marriage is living alone and dying lonely. Blast away

I think that some of us are saying that it isn't an "either - or" situation, especially for mid-life folks considering remarriage. You can live with someone and have a strong commitment based on love, mutual interests, compatibility, etc., but not be formally married.

Or, other posters and the author have pointed out that there are legal strategies you can deploy to ensure commitments, promises, obligations, and desires of your previous life are fulfilled even though you remarry.

I agree with you that living alone and dying lonely would be a bummer.......

[Danmar]

Yes. I agree. Needn't be either or. But I have gone with my heart rather than bank account all my life. Again batting 500.

[want2xplore]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha Or maybe better yet, a contract that sets out the financial terms so you don't have a court decide for you in the future. I know a number of people who have contracts with their live in SOs to address things like division of property if they split.

That might work if both parties are not the litigious type, but if it gets to court don't be surprised if the contract ends up partially or totally invalidated. This is especially true when there are children involved and it happens more often than you'd think.

There is much to be said for W2R's dictum that both parties should maintain separate residences and avoid all financial entanglements. It makes things SO much easier.

[FinanceDude]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar As I posted previously, I have plenty of experience re marriage and divorce. For me the only thing worse than marriage is living alone and dying lonely. Blast away

Not going to blast, I respect your opinion and the choices you made........

[freebird5825]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet Does this imply you simply avoided an unfair split of financial assets at the end. Or because you benefitted from a split that was in your favor? If it was in your favor, would you mind sharing what tactics on your part, or what mistakes on his part, led to this outcome? Just asking cuz I think actual experiences such as this would be worth a zillion times more that the general advise given in the article we're discussing. If that's too personal, completely understood.

Not any unfair advantage for me, just no financial encumberances or losses on my part.

A little background on me...I managed govt contracts for 18+ years. If it ain't in writing, it doesn't exist.

Basically, I drew up a cost share agreement (using an example from the NOLO book http://www.nolo.com/products/living-together-LTK.html ) that stated that while he resided in my home, he would pay 50% of all expenses incurred (utilities, food, car insurance for vehicles I owned but he drove, property and school taxes, consumer items, etc). The only exception was anything related to my home, i.e. capital improvements or repairs, which I paid 100% on the advice of my trust attorney.

I kept my financial assets completely separate. No dummy here.
An amusing sidebar...he actually asked me to go halfsies on a car for him. I already owned 3 vehicles, one of which he drove. Once I stopped laughing, the subject quickly died on the vine.

When we split, anything we had bought together was not split, but dealt with in more of a horse trading arrangement. He took all the tools and the full size tool chest, I kept all of the electronics items and metal storage cabinets we purchased together. I paid him back his cost share of a computer desk that I kept.

I am a very fair person. I had receipts of all purchases (my nature to keep records) and did a "back of the envelope" tally up to make sure the value of the horse traded items were on par.

He got a little foolish about a few things, but I used logic and irrefutable proof of purchases to get him to get his planet back in alignment with reality.

His biggest mistake was thinking he would do better on his own. When a man cannot overcome his past, he cannot have a future. Such is life.

[omni550]

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird5825 When a man cannot overcome his past, he cannot have a future. Such is life.

Wow, freebird,

Man, is that a truism!

I'm going to add it to my list of quotes (started in another thread).

omni

Divorce Rates are Falling as Couples Marry Later

Risk Factors – Marriage Age, Education Level, Warm Weather, Baseball

Read more at Suite101: Divorce Rates are Falling as Couples Marry Later: Risk Factors – Marriage Age, Education Level, Warm Weather, Baseball http://www.suite101.com/content/divorce-rates-are-falling-as-couples-marry-later-

Divorce Rates are Falling as Couples Marry Later: Risk Factors

Reprinted from Suite 101

[NW-Bound]

All this talk about alimony reminded me of a recent post by one of our esteemed female moderators in a thread about life negotiations. She asked rhetorically that if life was all about "tit-for-tat" negotiations, what are the "tat" that women get?

Lordy, lordy! How much more "tat" can divorced men afford?

[BunsGettingFirm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigger "Many divorce agreements provide for alimony or spouse-support payments, which is separate from child-support payments. Americans gave $9.4 billion to former spouses in 2007, up from $5.6 billion a decade earlier, according to the Internal Revenue Service. Men accounted for 97% of alimony-payers last year, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, although the share of women supporting ex-husbands is on the rise." The New Art of Alimony - WSJ.com

Geez, thanks for the article. I read it after eating a lazy Saturday lunch which is ill advised, so apparently alimony is like herpes -- it can reappear at will years down the road.

As for Ha, who I assume is a distinguished gentleman with means and Spanish skills, there is no need to lead a lonely life unless you choose to. A friend of mine in the DR who is 60 has at least two girlfriends that I know of, and let's just say that my heart skipped a beat when I met them in the flesh. Yes, the ladies can pile on now.

[Gumby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moscyn Same here. The thought of remarrying (if my marriage ended in death) actually makes me wonder on the impossible situation of let's say, I meet both husband no. 1 and 2 in heaven (assuming we all end there) - who do I stay with then?

Oddly enough, this question has been asked at least once before:

That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for him. Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died. Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you, ‘I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not the God of the dead but of the living.” (Matthew 22:23-32)

[BigNick]

It turns out that it's all much simpler than that. Who knew?

[Emeritus]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigNick It turns out that it's all much simpler than that. Who knew?

not personal and no offense meant but what is with the google ads? do they have to be turned off?
they take up a lot of space

again not personal

[DougViages]

I have been remarried for eleven & 1/2 years. We are both professionals who brought in two children each from a prior marriage. We always knew that our challenges in this marriage focused on my wife's youngest daughter. She was 14 when we married, a nasty, abusive, and sometimes violent child. I always hoped that this child would grow out of it, or at least leave and live her own life.

Fast-forward to now; my wife has constantly enabled this addicted, violent, felonious psychopath to the determent of our marriage. I pumped $35,000 into a major rehab for the daughter back in 2006, a loan to my wife. Each year it got worse and worse, with arrests, violence, and abuse of my wife.

My wife and I are now right on the cusp of divorce. After years of propping my DW up in every way, I guess the last straw(s) have arrived on my back.

So, remarriage is a real risk, with nearly two thirds ending in divorce. We're in counseling, and I'm trying to get the DW to go with me to Families Anon.