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Old 03-04-2008, 04:56 PM   #21
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I watch out for ol' #1....that's me.....and I also watch out for my aging Mom. Other than that, everyone else is on there own. Whatever my Bro, SIL, and their family are up to or in to, is completely their own business.......and I'm not concerned about it even one little iota. Same goes for my sister, ex-BIL (who's a really super guy!), and their family. I keep my nose outta everyone else's business.....always have...always will. I expect them to offer me the same privacy and respect. We're all adults and are responsible for our own lives. So if sh*t happens...."Gee, that's too bad....but it's none of my business, and it ain't my problem!"

That's life.

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That's what I'm working toward! I'm still not too impressed with most of the human race.....especially relatives!
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Old 03-04-2008, 05:18 PM   #22
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A long deployment is a long time to be alone. No sex, no intimate sharing, no one ot lean on. So it shouldn't be surprising that is doesn't always go by the book.
That forgiveness might fly if this was WWII or Korea, or even the 1980s with six 40-word familygrams broadcast over a 2400-baud public radio circuit to last six months, but this is the third millenium. There's e-mail, videoconferencing, home leave, and plenty of support systems in place to get through this.

Hundreds of thousands of other families have done it without resorting to infidelity...
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Old 03-04-2008, 05:18 PM   #23
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I agree about the "looking in the phone" part; to me that's just wrong. For some reason I would not draw the line at "disappearing" the phone (oops! it fell in the pool!), to thwart FIL/gFIL/SIL's scheme. As for BIL, the mere presence of the secret phone is damning enough, without your having to go into the details of the messages. I admire the 100% not-my-business crowd, but if I think on it, if I cared about a person and they were my friend (like BIL here) I would not want them to be strung along indefinitely. So I would try to send them a cautionary message in one way or another, but would try to keep it sub rosa.
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:05 PM   #24
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That forgiveness might fly if this was WWII or Korea, or even the 1980s with six 40-word familygrams broadcast over a 2400-baud public radio circuit to last six months, but this is the third millenium. There's e-mail, videoconferencing, home leave, and plenty of support systems in place to get through this.

Hundreds of thousands of other families have done it without resorting to infidelity...
You have no doubt hired PIs on each of those 100s of thousands?

Ha
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:20 PM   #25
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I'd say: Sorry everybody! I %^$ed up. You ^%&ed up. How about we all start minding our own $%*ing business and stop trying to fix each others' lives! I know I learned my ^&*%ing lesson!

(edit appropriately for your own family culture)
Martha,
I'm shocked at such language.

FYI - Dear Abby answered this question years ago. She basically said stay out of it until you get the idea that the hurt person wants to talk about it. The reason - most cheated upon people know what is going on and they want to handle it in their own way - head in the sand or take some action.
Hypothetically, if the cheating was settled within the marriage without your knoweledge there wouldn't have been any shame outside the marriage. Now you will be a reminder of what went on.
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Old 03-05-2008, 12:30 AM   #26
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You have no doubt hired PIs on each of those 100s of thousands?
I think each of our opinions are biased by our feelings about relationships & marriage, and I doubt either of us is likely to change those opinions.

But I've had to deal with that "long & lonely deployment" crap too many times during my career to accept it as an excuse.
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Old 03-05-2008, 01:27 AM   #27
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I think each of our opinions are biased by our feelings about relationships & marriage, and I doubt either of us is likely to change those opinions.

But I've had to deal with that "long & lonely deployment" crap too many times during my career to accept it as an excuse.
Me, too. I used to get so disgusted with those Navy wives who would choose to hang out at the bars looking for trouble as soon as their husbands left. There are plenty of other things for a wife to be doing besides THAT, and they gave the rest of us a bad name. In San Diego the phrase "Navy wife" acquired connotations that I did not much appreciate. Many of us were completely faithful to our husbands through thick and thin and would never have dreamed of straying. We knew what we were getting into before marrying a Navy man.
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Old 03-05-2008, 01:35 AM   #28
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I think each of our opinions are biased by our feelings about relationships & marriage, and I doubt either of us is likely to change those opinions.

But I've had to deal with that "long & lonely deployment" crap too many times during my career to accept it as an excuse.
Not at all Mr. Nords. I am just interested in how you could know what you asserted.

If you are saying that you extrapolated from your one marriage to 100s of thousands of marriages, allow me to congratulate you and Mrs. Nords on having a fine marriage.

But I can't say much in favor of your epistemological rigor.

Ha
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Old 03-05-2008, 09:50 AM   #29
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Not at all Mr. Nords. I am just interested in how you could know what you asserted.

If you are saying that you extrapolated from your one marriage to 100s of thousands of marriages, allow me to congratulate you and Mrs. Nords on having a fine marriage.

But I can't say much in favor of your epistemological rigor.

Ha
Nope, just stating my personal opinion from my experience... which I've already noted is different from yours.

I'm going to acknowledge that you have a point and a bias just like me, and I'm not going to divert the discussion with strawmen & ad hominem attacks disguised as sarcastic praise.

And I wish you success with your epistemological search, although I fear you're missing the point.
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Old 03-06-2008, 09:00 AM   #30
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I would say it could be a made for TV movie, but if you want to go on the big screen it would take some more work. Usually nudity or violence is always good to add for the big screen.

Sorry couldn't help myself, I'll go back to my room now.

Jeb
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Old 03-06-2008, 07:48 PM   #31
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Me, too. I used to get so disgusted with those Navy wives who would choose to hang out at the bars looking for trouble as soon as their husbands left. There are plenty of other things for a wife to be doing besides THAT, and they gave the rest of us a bad name. In San Diego the phrase "Navy wife" acquired connotations that I did not much appreciate. Many of us were completely faithful to our husbands through thick and thin and would never have dreamed of straying. We knew what we were getting into before marrying a Navy man.
We called them "boomer widows" when I was in the submarine force. (For non-Navy people -- back in the day, submariners serving on a ballistic missile submarine (a "boomer") would go to sea for 67-day patrols, with no mail, no calls, no contact with the outside world. Sometimes, those left ashore got lonely)

My approach to the Disney World cell phone scenario would have been to mind my own business. It is an attitude that has served me well through many a family drama. I have made it clear through the years that I am on no one's side in their various disputes. As a consequence, they leave me alone.
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:34 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by Martha View Post
I'd say: Sorry everybody! I %^$ed up. You ^%&ed up. How about we all start minding our own $%*ing business and stop trying to fix each others' lives! I know I learned my ^&*%ing lesson!

(edit appropriately for your own family culture)
Martha,

It's been a while since I posted. But this absolutely made my day. Spit coffee everywhere.



Thanks
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:02 PM   #33
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We called them "boomer widows" when I was in the submarine force.
In San Diego, we were called "WestPac Widows" because like many Navy wives in San Diego, our surface fleet husbands would be deployed for 6-9 months to areas in the western Pacific. This was before e-mail, and we really couldn't afford phone calls if/when they were available. I sent him snail mail once a week, with letters from each of the 7 days in each weekly envelope, and he sent mail back each week. I never hung out with the other WestPac Widows because I was afraid their wild, faithless, bar-hopping ways would rub off on me! I really didn't believe they would do that, but when the ship went out, that is where many of them headed, a lot of times even on the way home after seeing the ship off at the Navy base.

Later, when he went to sea for months at a time as a civilian, we were able to communicate via ham radio if it wasn't too often. Ah, the luxury! ("over!") Only 3409587 people listening to your call. So, they were necessarily brief and to the point.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:05 PM   #34
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Tough, or easy, question of the day. what would you have done at the time and what would you do now?
Two words: forgive yourself.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:32 PM   #35
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At the time, we talked to my dad and mom about what we should do. My dad put his time in starting in the 70's. He had some great insights on people with long deployments, etc. He actually had his 1 year TDY right after he and my mom were married.

One thing he and my mom talked about were my dad's two-week deployments every month with Red Flag. I totally blanked that out from my childhood; I guess he always felt there so much when I was a kid that I don't remember the times he wasn't. The month-long family road trips helped with that too, I'm sure.

They've been happily married for almost a billion years now so I can throw one more name into Nords list.
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Old 03-07-2008, 10:24 PM   #36
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I can see why you did it Marquette....you like the guy as a person and didn't want him to be unaware of what was going on. I am like that too with people I care about...but I had to learn that I need to stay out of things that don't involve me personally. It's hard not too. I guess the "right" thing would be to apologize for looking through the text messages and leave the rest as is.
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