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View Poll Results: How much would you help your adult children during a lay off ?
They could move back in 34 41.98%
I would forgo my vacation and give them the money 9 11.11%
I'd lend them money at no interest 24 29.63%
Nothing , They are adults 14 17.28%
Voters: 81. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 05-17-2009, 06:31 PM   #41
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I voted lend them money at no interest because this is what I have done with my siblings twice in similar situations and they have both paid me back as soon as they were gainfully employed and back on their feet.

Also, we gave our son an interest free loan of $4k after he graduated March 2008 in the middle of a recession and was looking to find work, and find a place to live. He finished paying us back this week.

I'm a believer in providing a hand up rather than a hand out and I think it very much depends on your kids and how responsible they have shown themselves.
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Old 05-17-2009, 06:32 PM   #42
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I've also seen another side of this dilemma. Parents helping adult kids can inadvertently set up jealousy between the siblings. In my family, parents helping youngest sister get established and once with a new car purchase after a setback, have apparently rankled another sister who got no such support. Nevermind that she is more successful and affluent than all the other siblings, parents, aunts and uncles combined. She still feels slighted.
Potentially an issue, but totally depends on the personalities involved. If my parents helped my less successful siblings a lot, I don't think I would give it more than a passing thought. That would not fly in my DW's family.
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Old 05-25-2009, 01:13 AM   #43
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We took DS back home when his first entrepreneurial project went sour, DD after college to regroup, paid for her living expenses for 6 months when we moved out of the country until she got her bar and a job. DS has just got an MBA degree but no jobs yet, so we are contemplaign supporting him for 6 months or so until he lands one, and if he doesn't, another 3 months, and...
I voted I'd let them back home but I won't get rid of my radio collection.
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Old 05-25-2009, 09:28 AM   #44
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I think the poll is missing the point.

The real question is what did/should you do *before* they got laid off? After he graduated, I had the "six months emergency fund" talk with my son. I think he took it to heart. I didn't preach it, I just explained to him how having that emergency fund puts you in a position of power - you have options when something bad happens, rather than being in a position of weakness which means every little thing makes you a 'victim' and pushes you further down a hole. So an emergency fund should be a very high priority.

Probably time for me to touch on the subject again, ask how he's doing with that. I'm sure he has plenty else on his mind (as a young man should).

As far as after-the-fact help... for the most part I think I would limit it to helping them avoid big long-term expenses where a little short term cash/help might get them over a hump. Like if they couldn't afford a car repair, but they need a car to get to interviews, etc. Loan them a car, loan them the money for repairs, etc. I'd probably make it zero/low interest loan, no big cost to you, but still helping them. After all, you have your life to live, their job situation is really their responsibility. They need to learn the ins/outs of job security and the options. You might not be in a position to help if there is a 'next time'.

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Old 05-25-2009, 02:27 PM   #45
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I don't have kids, but I'll fling my opinion out anyway....

Like others it would depend on how financially responsible they are. However, even with the worst case scenario of financial "goofiness", I would make sure they had their own place to live. Even if this means making the check payable to the mortgage company/landlord.
I'm with you on this. We love our kids, sons-in-law and grandkids dearly, but move in with us? Uh-uh!

The hankster's nest is empty and it's stayin' that way.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:06 PM   #46
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I'm with you on this. We love our kids, sons-in-law and grandkids dearly, but move in with us? Uh-uh!

The hankster's nest is empty and it's stayin' that way.



about a year after our last child had left home DW turned to me one day and said "you know, for years we looked forward to having the place to ourselves, and it's even better than I imagined!!"

We've been free of kids living at home since August, 2000 and like you, we plan to keep it that way.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:30 PM   #47
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I voted " Nothing. They are adults." because that is the closest one that fits but it is not exact. I have no children. DH has two from a previous marriage along with grandchildren. The relations ship is not close for a lot of reasons.
We would not allow either of them to get in a position to starve or be thrown out on the street and have, in the past made small gifts of money.
We do not "lend" because they have a poor history of repaying in addition to mismanaging their money so we do not waste our time going through the exercise of calling it a loan. K-I-S-S.
That being the case we do not short ourselves to bail them out so I would not cancel a trip nor would I go into debt or co-sign anything or other wise alter our financial plans to help them out. Temporary housing of a few days (less that a week) until they find other digs is fine but only if they were in eminent danger.

Layoff is one of the reasons why you have an emergency fund and attempt to keep on good terms with family. Some people do not grasp that concept. DH and I see no reason to put our ER at risk for those who like walking a financial tight rope and cannot be bothered with us other wise.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:40 PM   #48
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I agree with HaHa

The US is such a prosperous country. It enables so many of itís children to attend college, even to live and study at remote universities when local options are available, and then after graduation urges them to start fresh on their own, even purchasing their own home when still young. This is without peer in the world. It is a reflection of values, a prized work ethic, and debt. Families work so hard yet have so much debt in the US.

Our children returned home after college and stayed for many years, to our pleasure and enjoyment. They moved out on their own initiative, and are welcome back anytime and under any condition. I trust our effort to instill values in them and trust them to make the right choices, and if they call and say they need help or need to make our home theirs, we would accept, not unquestioned, but with open arms.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:56 PM   #49
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The US is such a prosperous country. It enables so many of itís children to attend college, even to live and study at remote universities when local options are available, and then after graduation urges them to start fresh on their own, even purchasing their own home when still young. This is without peer in the world.
This is the 2nd time in 2 days I heard this stated, assuming home ownership is a USA thing only. Even back in 1977 in England when we graduated, the first thing we did along with all of our fellow graduates was to buy a house (at age 22, 90% mortgage).

I just looked up the house ownership rates in England and the USA and it is 70% in England, 68% in the USA.

I think it is wonderful living in the USA with lots of opportunities but we are far from unique in being able to own our own home. I think what is possibly unique is 30 year fixed rate mortgages.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:59 PM   #50
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Got Work? - ABC News

Quote:
The group's 2009 Student Survey found that just 19.7 percent of 2009 graduates who applied for a job actually have one.

In comparison, 51 percent of those graduating in 2007 and 26 percent of those graduating in 2008 who had applied for a job had one in hand by the time of graduation.
Having graduated from college at a fairly prosperous time (1988) makes me feel rather lucky and blessed, looking back at it now.

Prediction: A huge spike in the number of masters degrees awarded in 2011.
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Old 05-25-2009, 05:10 PM   #51
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This is the 2nd time in 2 days I heard this stated, assuming home ownership is a USA thing only. Even back in 1977 in England when we graduated, the first thing we did along with all of our fellow graduates was to buy a house (at age 22, 90% mortgage).
My intention was to point out the debt incurred before graduation, combined with the additional obligation from a mortgage. No desire to exclude other worthy candidates. Maybe itís a anglo-saxon thing. Of course, UK students donít pay nearly the price for college.
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Prediction: A huge spike in the number of masters degrees awarded in 2011.
If only you could predict the stock markets with the same likelihood.
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Old 05-25-2009, 05:43 PM   #52
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My intention was to point out the debt incurred before graduation, combined with the additional obligation from a mortgage. No desire to exclude other worthy candidates. Maybe itís a anglo-saxon thing. Of course, UK students donít pay nearly the price for college.
It has changed a lot since our days but I'm sure the US is still a lot more expensive to go to college than the UK.

Having said that, our son's college was very inexpensive because Louisiana has (had?) a similar program in place to what we had when we went to college in England. His ACT scores were high enough and he went to an in-state university so all his fees were paid plus he received a book allowance. His university then doubled that so that we never paid more than $100 per semester to cover all his lodging, food bills etc.
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Old 05-25-2009, 05:46 PM   #53
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Great replies everyone ,thank you !
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:21 PM   #54
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Since this thread seems to have died, I don't think I'm hijacking to ask another question.

If you expect to leave something to your kids, would you consider leaving it now rather than later? My kids are struggling now and I expect (according to FireCalc) that they will have quite a bit in a few several years. By then, they won't need it.

Is anyone considering giving the kids an 'early inheritance'?
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:48 PM   #55
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These are extraordinary times right now.

Our kids are still at home but if they were adults, lost their jobs and needed help in times like this we would certainly let them move back home or help them out financially. If they were spendthrifts or couldn't hold jobs it would be one thing. Then a little tough love might be in order. But with the economy the way it is right now lots of otherwise hard working people simply can't find employment through no fault of their own.
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Old 06-14-2009, 12:15 AM   #56
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Is anyone considering giving the kids an 'early inheritance'?
To the extent I can afford it and enjoy doing it, you bet. Having hardwood floors installed in their home, buying them a minivan when grandchild #3 came along and those sort of things seem to help them out and I get a kick out of doing it. So, why not?
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Old 06-14-2009, 12:54 AM   #57
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I will say what my sister has done... after graduation, both of her kids came back to live with her for 6 months... and one step child...

After that... no help...


Me.... I would say 'no help' unless there was something else that was in the equation... if they do not plan ahead for a layoff, then why should I fork over money to support them... but if they were laid off because of some kind of medical problem or accident... then I would probably help...

If there were grand kids... then I would make sure they had food...
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:21 AM   #58
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I vote for let them move back in and help them just enough so they have food and shelter. To help too much is to give them license to feel entitled, and not good for them at all. Also, I would expect them to act like members of the family and pitch in with working, cooking and so forth, AND to continue to look for work and dig themself out of their hole.
But I would help, because I know how hard it can be when you have absolutely no help at all myself. Isn't one of the purposes of family to help each other out or am I way off base here?
It seems to me that if you vote "Nothing they're adults" then the same should pertain to you. So, if you get Alzheimers or Cancer and need assistance, I guess your children should feel justified in shipping you off to a nursing home? After all, you're an adult. I don't get this thinking I guess. No wonder there are so many old and forgotten people in these homes.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:43 AM   #59
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But I would help, because I know how hard it can be when you have absolutely no help at all myself. Isn't one of the purposes of family to help each other out or am I way off base here?



No, you are not off base . That is how it should work . Lately in Florida all I see are women in their 60's taking women in their 80's & 90 's places so I guess that concept it alive and well here .
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:03 AM   #60
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Isn't one of the purposes of family to help each other out or am I way off base here?
It seems to me that if you vote "Nothing they're adults" then the same should pertain to you. So, if you get Alzheimers or Cancer and need assistance, I guess your children should feel justified in shipping you off to a nursing home? After all, you're an adult. I don't get this thinking I guess. No wonder there are so many old and forgotten people in these homes.
I think the temporary "times of plenty" in our economy and society created this change. But those times were an anomaly, a post-WW2 economic bubble that we kept trying to keep inflated with more and more debt until the house of cards collapsed.

In those times the "nuclear family" was pursued as the norm (which is a VERY financially inefficient way to live), and in the age of SS and pensions it was easier to assume your elderly parents were having their needs met without familial assistance.

I dare say the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction, though, as the house of cards keeps tumbling down. It may not hit in time for the 2010 Census, but I'll bet in 5-10 years you see a fairly significant increase in extended family household arrangements, a lot like many I saw in genealogical research I've seen by looking at Census data per-1930. I doubt it would reach those levels again, but looking at pure economics it's hard to bet against it making a partial comeback.

It's one of the several ways that many people, like it or not, will likely have to accept that the "new normalcy" is one of shedding a lot of the unsustainable excesses of the bubble decades.
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