Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.
Old 10-17-2017, 04:50 AM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1,867
The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.

My work buddy and I were on of our get-away-from-the-desk walks in our 5 story parking lot; We start at the top and make our way down. We were discussing living with the purge and our latest purge triumphs. He confessed to just how bad the fever has a hold of him, and introduce me to Stealth Purging. Apparently his wife, like mine, hasn’t fully ‘found God’ when it comes to the purge. What my buddy does is move the offending piece of stuff out of sight. Then after some unspecified time, I’m guessing when it feels safe the item gets disposed of. It is critical that the disposal go undetected; so you cant just put it out to the curb. On trash day on his drive to work he simply adds it to one of his neighbors piles. The logic of this is if the wife doesn’t miss it she wont notice when it disappeared. Later should the wife ask about it my friend simply claims ignorance. I thought to myself “whew I don’t know if i can do that - even if it is for her own good. If my wife finds out there will be hell to pay.” I am by nature painfully honest.

When I finished chuckling my buddy revealed the depths of his disease. The Sabotage Purge. Apparently he and the wife had removed the vertical blinds in both boys rooms and replaced then with curtains. The Mrs insisted they hold onto those blinds. Apparently my buddy dutifully moved them here and there for some years. Recently when they were painting the rooms a wave of Purge Fever insanity took over and he deliberately stepped on them. He then called the Mrs and “why are we saving these blinds they are crushed and useless.”

I am shocked i tell you - just shocked but, also impressed. I need to buy this guy a beer.
rayinpenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 10-17-2017, 05:26 AM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
gauss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,594
Cute - but it seems like it could undermine the trust in the relationship.

But then again I am the one holding onto things in our relationship so I view this from a bit of a different perspective.

-gauss
gauss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 05:35 AM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1,867
Quote:
Originally Posted by gauss View Post
But then again I am the one holding onto things in our relationship so I view this from a bit of a different perspective.
-gauss

When was the last time you inventoried your stuff?
rayinpenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 05:56 AM   #4
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
gauss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,594
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayinpenn View Post
When was the last time you inventoried your stuff?
Probably 5-10 years ago when DW helped out with it, made nice labels etc. etc.

Been busy the last few years dealing with late fathers house contents and MIL's old house who has moved on to a smaller condo.

-gauss
gauss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 06:03 AM   #5
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12,596
My Mother would spirit disused toys out of the house and sell them to a local consignment shop. She did not ask first, because we would have said No. If a child noticed something was missing, the response was "Well, I didn't see you playing with/you didn't seem to be interested in X any more."

The fact that my sister and I remember this so many decades later, testifies to the depth of our resentment. But that may not apply to adults. Your own risk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rayinpenn View Post
Later should the wife ask about it my friend simply claims ignorance. I thought to myself “whew I don’t know if i can do that - even if it is for her own good. If my wife finds out there will be hell to pay.” I am by nature painfully honest.
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Even a blind clock finds an acorn twice a day.
Amethyst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 06:34 AM   #6
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
donheff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 11,317
I'm lucky, my DW is better at purging than me. I'm just too lazy to weed through stuff. She makes me do it now and then. The only exception is a bunch of crap she had me drag up into the attic years ago. But just yesterday she suggested that we go up and clear out the junk we don't need from that pile.
__________________
Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre -- Albert Camus
donheff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 06:58 AM   #7
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,509
Quote:
Originally Posted by gauss View Post
Cute - but it seems like it could undermine the trust in the relationship.

-gauss
+1
Recently I had parts to repair some plumbing. Without them I would need to rip a fair bit out since they don't sell them any longer. They have replacements, but you have to redo a lot of the work.

DW does not typically toss much. But we have started a purge and re-nesting in the house. I think this was stirred from downsizing DMIL to move into an elder facility. Looked like they never purged in 40+ years in their house.
bingybear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 07:00 AM   #8
Recycles dryer sheets
eyeonFI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 105
I do this with my kids unused stuff. On the rare occasion they ask for something I've gotten rid of, I reply something like, "I don't know where that is... maybe if you cleaned your room you'd be able to find it.." (they have never actually attempted to find whatever it was .
eyeonFI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 07:05 AM   #9
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2,232
I'm pretty sure DW has employed this tactic. It's a variation of how I used to buy winemaking equipment. She'd find some new piece of kit in the basement and ask me when I bought THAT??

I'd say, "That? Oh I've had that for quite some time.".....Not technically a lie I suppose.
HadEnuff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:07 AM   #10
Recycles dryer sheets
Maenad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minneapolis 'burbs
Posts: 382
That's a really shitty thing to do to your spouse. Most "stealth purgers" that I've known are really good at recognizing someone else's junk and really bad at seeing their own, so they purge others' stuff while theirs is sacrosanct.

I couldn't stand being married to someone who would go behind my back like that, and I'm the purger in our house.
Maenad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:12 AM   #11
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
CaliKid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ex-Cali
Posts: 1,231
We both hate crap pretty equally and have similar OCD issues so we are good.
__________________
______________________
The plan was September 1, 2022 and I am 95% there. Still working a few hours a week at the real job.
CaliKid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:25 AM   #12
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
kcowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pacific latitude 20/49
Posts: 7,677
Send a message via Skype™ to kcowan
We have encountered hoarders on home swaps. Every closet and spare space is stuffed with stuff. We had to use spare rooms to empty our suitcases. One even had a spare bedroom crammed to the ceiling with surplus furniture.

They always comment on our "light" living style. We just purge whenever we acquire new stuff. It is a constant battle.
__________________
For the fun of it...Keith
kcowan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:29 AM   #13
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 8,368
"Hey, what happened to that piece of tin foil that I was saving?"
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:48 AM   #14
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 17,203
I know that my DW has done stealth purges when we first got married.... but she came to realized that just because something might have sat around for a year or more and not been touched does not mean it can be purged... and if it is missing there is only ONE person to blame...


Now she just nags until I blow up enough times that she knows we will keep it or I get tired of it and throw it out myself....


Remember, purging can go both ways.... I can get rid of stuff she would not want to get rid of...


As an aside.... the real test of the purge is if the person goes out and buys what was purged (if possible)...
Texas Proud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 08:59 AM   #15
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
ivinsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 9,951
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maenad View Post
That's a really shitty thing to do to your spouse. Most "stealth purgers" that I've known are really good at recognizing someone else's junk and really bad at seeing their own, so they purge others' stuff while theirs is sacrosanct.

I couldn't stand being married to someone who would go behind my back like that, and I'm the purger in our house.
That's a lot of generalizing, as always every couples situation is a little different...if you have a spouse that keeps collecting and never wants to purge anything that's something you just have to put up with? What if you have a goodwill box and after 3 years your spouse has never used or asked for the item but if you suggest donating they resist? After all it's your house too. What if you have so much stuff in your house you resist have people over because of the clutter and mess? This is how episodes of Hoarders get started.

Would you divorce your spouse because they wanted clear out house clutter?
ivinsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 09:18 AM   #16
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Chuckanut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: West of the Mississippi
Posts: 17,169
My own experiences is that women are best at stealth purging when the purged objects are certain articles of clothing in their man's wardrobe, or the old souvenir from a trip with a former girlfriend.

Quote:
Dane Hansen, who operates a small steel business in Pleasant Grove, Utah, says that throughout his 11-year marriage, 15 pairs of cargo shorts have slowly disappeared from his closet. On the occasions when he has confronted his wife about the missing shorts, she will either admit to throwing them away or deflect confrontation by saying things like, “Honey, you just need a little help.”
Wall Street Journal calls cargo shorts ugly, people freak out - Connecticut Post
__________________
Comparison is the thief of joy

The worst decisions are usually made in times of anger and impatience.
Chuckanut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 10:43 AM   #17
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: No fixed abode
Posts: 8,764
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
My Mother would spirit disused toys out of the house and sell them to a local consignment shop. She did not ask first, because we would have said No. If a child noticed something was missing, the response was "Well, I didn't see you playing with/you didn't seem to be interested in X any more."

The fact that my sister and I remember this so many decades later, testifies to the depth of our resentment. But that may not apply to adults. Your own risk.
Yeah, and what about the millions, maybe billions of dollars worth of old comic books, etc. that parents junked when the kids went to college? No wonder kids have to move back home, their early investments got tossed out.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 11:23 AM   #18
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Teacher Terry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 7,001
I am the purger in our house and my DH never gets rid of anything. I have done plenty of stealth purging. I let him have a large shed, 1 car garage and his office as crap holes with his stuff. However, none of that junk comes into the rest of the house. If some never disappeared he would not have room in his spaces.
Teacher Terry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2017, 11:44 AM   #19
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
ExFlyBoy5's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: ATL --> Flyover Country
Posts: 6,649
Anytime you gaslight your spouse, you are treading on divorce grounds...and rightfully so in your friend's case.
__________________
FIRE'd in 2014 @ 40 Years Old
Professional Retiree
ExFlyBoy5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Love conquers all...
Old 10-17-2017, 11:47 AM   #20
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Mdlerth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: The Shire
Posts: 1,504
Love conquers all...

...and when it doesn't, try humor.

No doubt you fine people think I'm a broken record on these domestic issues. I believe that marriages only thrive on honesty and patience and demonstrations of affection. Unilaterally discarding your beloved's treasures secretly is skating on thin ice. Surely no bit of clutter is worth risking a dunk in divorce.

When it comes to changing something - anything - there will always be costs and benefits. It's hardly fair that one of the parties endures all the cost of a change while the other enjoys only benefit. Whatever happened to loving couples arriving at mutually satisfying decisions? Whether it's negotiating what to do with the 10 tons of surplus junk in the attic or selecting which color to paint the bedroom, couples who value the relationship more than they value "winning" will find ways to satisfy everyone.

There are at least three (probably more) options:
  • You could drip. "Wouldn't it be nice to have some extra space in this house?" Repeat weekly. This option takes time, but persistence overcomes resistance.
  • You could bargain. You give up this and I'll give up that", or "you give up X and I'll give you Y." This option won't be free, but it will be WAY less expensive than divorce.
  • You could employ humor. "What did the wife say to the husband who saved boxes of old magazines in the garage?" "You've got issues!" Ha ha!

DW and I typically pick option 3. We are veterans of hundreds of home improvement projects. No such endeavor proceeds without unexpected obstacles: injuries, messes, cost overruns, do-overs, etc. Trust me: every bruise, splinter, paint splatter and pratfall is an opportunity for mutual blame. There's nothing like applying wallpaper to make you appreciate the verisimilitude* of the Three Stooges.

But we're still together after 37 years. We learned to lubricate our labors with generous dollops of jokes. Corny jokes, inside jokes, lowbrow jokes, but jokes nonetheless. When the $#!^ hits the fan, which it invariably does during a home repair, a witty riposte** works like magic. Something about laughter dissipates frustration while preserving stamina to finish the project. And the love remains intact.


*What a great Tuesday! I got to use a five dollar word in front of people who will understand it! Something that never happens at the j*b. Sadly, I w*rk in the land of the Philistines. One more year, one more year...

**How about that? A second sawbuck! Oh frabjous day! Calloo, callay!
__________________
Paying it forward is the best investment.
Mdlerth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Captain Honors Morale booster or grounds for court martial. clifp Other topics 90 01-08-2011 12:00 AM
Stealth Emphysema imnxpat Health and Early Retirement 4 11-15-2007 08:02 PM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:33 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.