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Old 07-11-2016, 11:24 AM   #1
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The Youngest Had a Job ..

Read with lot of attention recent thread called "Youngest Has a Job". Well this is "Youngest Had A Job"

After six long years our youngest finally graduated college with MIS undergrad degree. In the two years since he has gone thru three jobs, terminated at each for reason. The reasons he sees as not related to his performance. I worry he is not seeing the truth and he needs to work harder/perform better. Right now he is enjoying unemployment while continuing his sports and hobbies, living with his friends in a house, slowly searching for a new job.

We insisted he look for a part time non-career job (like UPS, Denny's,...) to collect as much money as he could before his emergency fund runs out while he searches for his Info Systems career job. While we could afford to pay his health insurance, we decided not to cause of his putting his sports and hobbies ahead of it.

At this point I am tired of trying to give my years of wisdom to him as he won't listen. Things like working hard, putting career/job ahead of things as needed, getting certifications/adv training to keep up with technology, LBYM, save, save (did I say that enough?), .... We feel he has to at this point teach himself.

Would really like to hear from other retired parents on how they have successfully struggled/helped their kids get on their feet. I did not plan on this when my DW and I retired early. We have even talked about getting back to workforce to help get our son stabilized financially. I don't like that idea - enjoying retirement too much. Does parental obligation/guilt ever go away??

Appreciate your thoughts.

Kannon
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Old 07-11-2016, 11:51 AM   #2
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I have a lot of sympathy but no answers.Does your son not like the MIS field?

Could he have some sort of underlying medical/mental health problem that makes him unsuited for office work?

I had a young male relative who started an entry level job at a large research lab full of people with doctorate degrees. He got fired for chronic lateness but he told his father he didn't care because the job was boring because they made him do all the cleaning up in the lab.(he only had a high school diploma) No sense of where he stood on the totem pole.

I would not go back to work for this, but you might see if there is an underlying issue that you might be able to help him deal with and rejoin the workforce.

However if he has NO health insurance I would buy insurance for my child to ensure he could get care in a serious illness or emergency.It's one less thing to worry about right now, get a policy with a higher OPP just to give yourself peace of mind on that front.
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Old 07-11-2016, 12:11 PM   #3
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Does parental obligation/guilt ever go away??

Appreciate your thoughts.

Kannon
It works like this Kannon......... The obligation goes away but the guilt never does. It's pretty close to impossible to not cringe when you observe a failing child regardless of how well you raised them or how much the child blew off what you tried to teach them. It's just the way it is......

It's easy for others to give advise but each case is unique and people not directly involved in it or professionally trained to analyze and understand these situations generally just give irrelevant anecdotal examples.

Good luck.
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Old 07-11-2016, 04:16 PM   #4
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He finished! Do you know how many don't? I'm betting he figures it out.


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Old 07-11-2016, 04:34 PM   #5
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He finished! Do you know how many don't? I'm betting he figures it out.


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Old 07-11-2016, 04:50 PM   #6
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My sister never had much motivation to get a real job out of college. Two marriages and two divorces later, she just bounced around and never made any money. My parents allowed her to move back in to the house while she "got back on her feet". That was 25 years ago.

Today, she's in her early fifties and still living on my 90 year old mother's pension and social security, and still refuses to get a job.

Both me and my Dad begged my Mom to administer tough love and stop rescuing her, but motherly guilt always got in the way. So instead of insisting that she move out and take care of herself, my mother became a lifelong caretaker for her.

The worst thing you can do is give your son any financial assistance to allow him to continue to live without working. The longer you do it, the tougher it will be for him to turn himself around. Learn from my mom's mistake and insist he learn to live on his own and don't come to his rescue every time he needs money. You did your job raising him. Now it's time for him to take care of himself.
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Old 07-11-2016, 04:55 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by kannon View Post
Read with lot of attention recent thread called "Youngest Has a Job". Well this is "Youngest Had A Job"



After six long years our youngest finally graduated college with MIS undergrad degree. In the two years since he has gone thru three jobs, terminated at each for reason. The reasons he sees as not related to his performance. I worry he is not seeing the truth and he needs to work harder/perform better. Right now he is enjoying unemployment while continuing his sports and hobbies, living with his friends in a house, slowly searching for a new job.



We insisted he look for a part time non-career job (like UPS, Denny's,...) to collect as much money as he could before his emergency fund runs out while he searches for his Info Systems career job. While we could afford to pay his health insurance, we decided not to cause of his putting his sports and hobbies ahead of it.



At this point I am tired of trying to give my years of wisdom to him as he won't listen. Things like working hard, putting career/job ahead of things as needed, getting certifications/adv training to keep up with technology, LBYM, save, save (did I say that enough?), .... We feel he has to at this point teach himself.



Would really like to hear from other retired parents on how they have successfully struggled/helped their kids get on their feet. I did not plan on this when my DW and I retired early. We have even talked about getting back to workforce to help get our son stabilized financially. I don't like that idea - enjoying retirement too much. Does parental obligation/guilt ever go away??



Appreciate your thoughts.



Kannon

He seems like he is happy and is having a good time doing what he wants so should a parent worry? I know it's hard but I struggle with how much should a parent do and how much burden they should take on.


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Old 07-11-2016, 05:05 PM   #8
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I would just cut the cord and enjoy retirement. Let him sink or swim on his own--I bet he'll swim just fine. Some are late bloomers.
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Old 07-11-2016, 06:38 PM   #9
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I would just cut the cord and enjoy retirement. Let him sink or swim on his own--I bet he'll swim just fine. Some are late bloomers.


It has to be done, maybe the health insurance mentioned could be bought, but that is only to prevent more guilt, not because "it should be". My daughter is gainfully employed...But woefully so at $9 an hour living on her own, throwing away 4 years of paid college by myself and her mother (my ex) 15 hours short of graduating. Yes, we are both pissed. This wont work long term, but she is too hard headed to figure it out. And she has been "coached" since 8th grade, so it isn't ignorance causing this.
Many people here on this forum and significantly less in general public
inspired to greatest or a career calling in their chosen field. I was not. Yes I was very successful, but it was always out of fear. Fear of not having a job, fear of being broke, fear of ever having to depend on someone else. Fear made me successful otherwise I would have been a slacker too.
So if you have none of the above or little self motivation, slacker or slothfulness can set in. I bet a few slackers could move up into the above categories if they had to report to "Brass Knuckle Gweedo" each week and give a job search update!


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Old 07-11-2016, 06:52 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kannon View Post
After six long years our youngest finally graduated college with MIS undergrad degree. In the two years since he has gone thru three jobs, terminated at each for reason. The reasons he sees as not related to his performance. I worry he is not seeing the truth and he needs to work harder/perform better. Right now he is enjoying unemployment while continuing his sports and hobbies, living with his friends in a house, slowly searching for a new job.
I think this is where you need to get more information. Being fired for reason from three jobs in 2 years is not normal. Sounds like son has a problem in work environment or some other issue like not showing up, failing drug test, harassment, or whatever.

Sorry it sounds like a tough love situation for you.
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Old 07-11-2016, 07:45 PM   #11
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I'm not a parent so I can't know what that frustration must feel like. On the bright side, my DB didn't finish college, worked regular jobs below his capacity and just got by. At about age 40, he somehow got passion for medicine and now he's a terrific nurse with a BSN, aiming to finish his masters next year at age 47. So, late blooming is possible. No one pushed him into it though, not that anyone could have.
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Old 07-11-2016, 09:54 PM   #12
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I sometimes wonder if retiring early sends a message that the parent isn't much into working either. And if 4 or 5 unmarried people live in a house anywhere but the most expensive areas they don't have to work very much to support a surfer summer, snow-board winter lifestyle.

At least it is fun.

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Old 07-13-2016, 12:40 AM   #13
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Please stop enabling him. I know you are worried and thinking you need to step in with advice/money/insurance/economic outpatient care, but as long as he knows you are his safety net and willing to swoop in the minute he wobbles, he'll never learn. Why should he? It's way easier to let dad fix stuff and just keep goofing off and getting fired and sucking at everything because he knows he's got an easy out when things get too hard.

You absolutely should not feel guilt about doing this. If anything you should feel guilty about not pushing him out of the nest and backing away sooner.

He's an adult and you need to let him sink or swim or else he'll never figure out how to be an adult.

I would tell him up front that you're not going to lecture him or tell him what to do, but he also can't count on you to bail him out of any situations that he is capable of getting out of with a little hard work. An actual emergency is one thing you may be able to assist him with (not necessarily money, but advice at the least), but he is completely on his own otherwise. Be very firm on this. Tell him that you are backing off from all interference (including any monetary support) and treating him like a smart, capable adult that you know he can be.

If he's dumb enough to not get catastrophic insurance (which should be pretty cheap as he has no job) then he'll need to deal with any health issues he acquires and take care of the bills if he runs them up. He won't be denied health care if he goes to the emergency room, so it's not a matter of life or death, just being smart (or in his case) dumb about money and his health. He could claim hardship and get high bills forgiven in many cases, so don't freak out too much and step in on that either.

Stop asking about his job prospects, his certifications, his money situation. Don't show any interest in any of that stuff any more and change the subject if he starts in on how he's a little short this month for rent, or could really use a little scratch for his cell bill. Tell him that's too bad so sorry to hear you're having money problems, but hey, did you see that game last week? Tell him you love him, but he's needs to figure out how to get money on his own since he's a smart, capable adult and you have confidence that he will be able to do this.

But really, take a giant step back and let him alone. It isn't helping you or him by being his savior every time he messes up.



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Old 07-13-2016, 06:37 AM   #14
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Where are you getting all this enabling..the OP say the son finished school, has been getting jobs, doesn't live at home and has an emergency fund.

He's a fairly typically 25-something guy trying to figure out his life. The OP never says he pays his sons bills.

I completely disagree with you about the health insurance, that's for the parents peace of mind, not the son's..if God forbid the son comes down with some horrible or unusual illness through no fault of his own, as a parent you want to be sure of the best possible care and treatment. Do you want to think about your child struggling with an illness or a huge pile of medical bills because you wanted to "teach him a lesson". Boys that age think they are bullet proof, which is why they don't give a crap about health insurance.

The OP actually said he felt the boy needed to teach himself some life lessons...
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Old 07-13-2016, 04:06 PM   #15
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... While we could afford to pay his health insurance, we decided not to cause of his putting his sports and hobbies ahead of it.
...
I think you have the right idea to let the world teach him a lesson or two.

But my advice would be to buy the health insurance for him. Not for him but for your peace of mind. Should he get into a serious health situation, would you be able to ignore it? Most likely you would wind up shelling out large sums for medical bills. You don't have to discuss the reason for buying him health insurance, just do it for you.
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