Time to let a friend go.

[Jerry1]

He said it in a joking manner and I thought he was kidding.

He wasn't joking. That's a pretty standard play. Say it like you're joking and see what the reaction is. If someone takes offense, "hey, I was just kidding". If they don't, the waters have officially been tested. I bet he mentioned it more than once.

 

[Potstickers]

He wasn't joking. That's a pretty standard play. Say it like you're joking and see what the reaction is. If someone takes offense, "hey, I was just kidding". If they don't, the waters have officially been tested. I bet he mentioned it more than once.

This.

We've had a number of male friends come and stay with us over the years -- but none who ever pulled any kind of play like this. That would be a one and done with me.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Well Jerry I guess at 65 I am dense. He said it a few times and the last time I said we are not compatible in that way which appeared to be the end of it. Because he has ADD he has always been somewhat socially inept and because I worked with people with disabilities I really chalked it up to that and so did my husband. My BF was shocked at his behavior also and said she didn’t see this coming.

 

[JustCurious]

The thing is he had not been drinking until afterwards so no excuse for the behavior.

Even if he had been drinking before that is still not an excuse. Voluntary intoxication is not an excuse, maybe if someone is very young and they don't understand the effects of alcohol...maybe...but not for an older adult. If you drink alcohol voluntarily, you are responsible for your actions even if they are induced by alcohol.

 

[W2R]

What you describe him doing, throwing a knife at you and so on, for me would be completely unacceptable. He sounds like a psycho and he has not given you any previously unknown information that would inspire you to forgive these actions.

Even more - - from what you are saying I gather he is not adding anything good to your life at all.

I'd ditch him in a heartbeat. Life is too short wasting time with nut cases.

That said, remember I am an introvert and tend to appreciate being alone more than the average person. So those are my internal biases.

 

[Kim451]

Lots of good advice! I'm still all for ghosting if you want to end this relationship and it really sounds like you should. Ready-4-ER has a very good point about it affecting your main relationship and making your husband uncomfortable enough to leave the room. Your friend telling you he'd want you if your husband weren't around also sounds like a passive-aggressive way of trying to move in on your marriage.

Talking to him may be the more mature thing to do but if you want to end this relationship, it won't result in the desired 'Ok, sorry, good-bye', it'll result in recriminations and argument, not desirable at the best of times but especially not with someone who has shown violent tendencies.

 

[GenXguy]

Saw your post on other forum also. When it comes down to it, I think you know better than anyone how to handle it because you lived it.

Since he wasn't drunk, he doesn't have an excuse for that behavior.

Anyway, good luck.

 

[Teacher Terry]

W2R, for a long time we had fun playing cards, walking the dogs and camping with a group of people. I have lots of friends so don’t need him. I also don’t want to jeopardize my marriage. I think I will just be busy when he texts and not answer phone calls.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Gen, yes I lived it and I was so afraid of my ex that I took a job across the country and let him believe he was joining me when he was vested in his pension in 2 years. I served him with divorce papers once I was safe. He had said I was never leaving him. I don’t want to move to resolve this.

 

[RunningBum]

I'm not in favor of ghosting. You don't have to initiate anything, but if he asks, I think you should tell him what made you feel uncomfortable and/or worried, and that you want some time away. Or that you're done with him. Whatever. If you ghost him he's liable to keep nagging you and eventually you'll have to do it, possibly in person when you aren't ready. Better to do it by text or over the phone.

I'm still not clear on this part:

I came in and he said this knife is dirty and literally threw it across my tiny kitchen and hit the sink missing me and not breaking my dishes in the sink.

Some are taking this to mean he threw a knife at you, but for all the vagueness in it he could have tossed it from further away from the sink than you would've liked but nowhere near you ("missing me"), and then "not breaking" dishes doesn't sound that bad, or maybe it's a typo.

You said it was the second time but gave no info about the other incident, was it throwing something or just pushing you away, or what?

I would also agree that his "joke" about being interested if DH went away was probably not really a joke but testing the waters. At best it was very inappropriate, ADD or not.

Can I also suggest you take the extra 5 seconds to type out "best friend" rather than having many of us scratch our heads wondering who this BF boyfriend is? In a 1:1 text abbreviations probably work well, but in 1:n forum communications I wish people would not try to save a few seconds abbreviating too many things, at the expense of the readers.

 

[Teacher Terry]

He threw the knife and could have hit me if not a good aim. It went flying by me. My favorite bowl was in the sink and the knife hit it. The other time he was clearing the dishes and put them in the sink with food and paper napkins, etc. I asked him to stop so I could scrape stuff in the garbage and he got mad and just started throwing dishes in the sink. I overlooked that incident.

 

[RunningBum]

So he upset you once and you said nothing, he upset you a second time and you said nothing but didn't let him stay the night, now you want to take a break (implying you are ok with seeing him again after awhile) without saying anything to him. And he's socially inept.

What do you expect to change in a month or however long, if you won't communicate anything with him about it?

Think about it. Keep in mind that some people aren't good about picking up non-verbal clues.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am not his therapist and I don’t need to try to change him. I am going to look after my own mental health and do what’s best for me. He has had tons of failed relationships including friends. If he doesn’t get it at 64 he won’t ever. When someone acts unstable and angry the last thing you do is to tell them you are upset with their behavior especially once they start drinking. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

 

[MuirWannabe]

This seems like a no brainer to me. Dump this person ASAP. Ghosting or directly? Your choice. Just move on. The whole thing sounds unhealthy and strange. Good luck

 

[Aerides]

I'm still not clear on this part:
Some are taking this to mean he threw a knife at you, but for all the vagueness in it he could have tossed it from further away from the sink than you would've liked but nowhere near you ("missing me"), and then "not breaking" dishes doesn't sound that bad, or maybe it's a typo.

Someone throws a sharp object in my house, I don't parse the direction or the force. This person is potentially dangerous and life is too short. There's no excuse here that makes it sound reasonable. At best he's gonna say "I got frustrated and overreacted" - ok great, wanna wait and see what happens next time? nope. Terry, move on, you don't owe this person any more chances.

 

[RunningBum]

OK, I guess it was your husband who suggested a one month break. Your instinct is right, it should be forever.

In my opinion you're better off dealing with it directly (not in person) rather than ghosting, but whatever. Don't be surprised if you wind up having to deal with it later.

 

[TriumphTR3fan]

“He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. “
This is a huge red flag. If he hasn’t found someone after four years he isn’t likely to be successful. At his age the behaviors you have discussed are deep seated. Be very careful. If you decide to talk with him find a neutral setting.

 

[MarieIG]

I am not his therapist and I don’t need to try to change him. I am going to look after my own mental health and do what’s best for me. He has had tons of failed relationships including friends. If he doesn’t get it at 64 he won’t ever. When someone acts unstable and angry the last thing you do is to tell them you are upset with their behavior especially once they start drinking. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

After reading this thread through: I don't think the issue is curing him.

The issue is terminating the relationship with the least stress to you; and in a manner so as to not place yourself in danger.

From what I read, I don't trust him, and would recommend that you avoid personal contact, don't open the door to him, etc.

 

[Speculator]

If I had a friend I've known for 15 years who suddenly became "weird," I would be concerned. I would let him know how "out of character" his behavior has become and suggest he get a complete physical. I have read that many diseases can cause folks to develop aggressiveness and agitation, such as brain tumors, certain dementias and urinary tract infections. For what it's worth, I don't envy your position and I wish you luck in finding an answer.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

“He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. “
This is a huge red flag. If he hasn’t found someone after four years he isn’t likely to be successful. At his age the behaviors you have discussed are deep seated. Be very careful. If you decide to talk with him find a neutral setting.

Preferably with a lot of people around, if you want to do it face-to-face. A coffee shop, for example.

 

[Teacher Terry]

His behavior has always been a bit weird in line with his disabilities. I have given way more than I have received through the years which I was fine with until the latest 2 episodes. Anyways he has siblings and other friends that can deal with it. We took care of a couple with cancer and Alzheimer’s for 2 years taking them on vacation and going over 4 times a day to help them stay together in their home. I was her guardian when he died driving a hour each way to visit. We are not young at65 and not taking on other people’s problems.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT I can't tell from what you write if you are worried about repercussions if you cut him off completely. What do you want to do? Do you really want a permanent break? If so you probably need to express that. He doesn't seem the type to figure it out on his own. And your DH wants it to be over for at least a month. Do you have standing days for when he comes over, that would make it harder to ghost him.

From things you have posted before you seem to feel deep reasonability for helping the less fortunate. That's not easy and often not very rewarding either.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am worried and now somewhat afraid of him. We don’t have regular set days to get together. Usually one of us texts the other. The next time he texts I will tell him we are done. I un-friended him on Facebook. My husband never liked him so he doesn’t care. A couple of my friends said they always had a weird vibe and won’t miss him at my parties.

 

[ivinsfan]

I am worried and now somewhat afraid of him. We don’t have regular set days to get together. Usually one of us texts the other. The next time he texts I will tell him we are done. I un-friended him on Facebook. My husband never liked him so he doesn’t care. A couple of my friends said they always had a weird vibe and won’t miss him at my parties.

What are you going to say? Texts can be a bad way to communicate especially given what you say about his social challenges.You absolutely don't need to justify yourself but need to have a clear message so it doesn't turn unto a back and forth conversation.

 

[tmm99]

The knife happened to miss you, and that's why you're talking calmly about it now. The knife could have hit you and hurt you instead. I think you should do whatever you have to do as if the knife actually struck you. ADD, or not, acting with no respect (including getting angry and throwing dishes in the sink) should not be tolerated in your house or elsewhere IMO. I have no tolerance for drunken behaviours either. I don't understand why people give drunken individuals a break.

Do you have a security system/cameras, etc for your house? Do you know anyone else who has unfriended him? Any retaliation?