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Time to let a friend go.
Old 08-02-2019, 08:53 PM   #1
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Time to let a friend go.

We have moved a lot and friendships have stayed or gone. I have a male friend that I met 15 years ago thorough mutual friends. He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested. Strictly platonic for me. He comes over for dinner and cards twice a month. He does have ADD so can be socially inept. He has a older sweet golden who is good with my 2 little Maltese. The routine is they bark at her and I take them all outside. I make dinner and he brings a salad. I came in and he said this knife is dirty and literally threw it across my tiny kitchen and hit the sink missing me and not breaking my dishes in the sink. I said do you need a sharper knife and he said no and told me to get away from him and go into the living room. I did until the timer went off for dinner. Then he drank wine and wanted to spend the night like he has done before and I said no after 5 hours. My husband said maybe I just need a one month break. I think I need a permanent break. Should I ghost him or tell him the truth?
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:17 PM   #2
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I’d lean toward ghosting but let the husband guide since he might have a more objective view. Or, my preference: the “3 strikes and you’re out” rule....
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:20 PM   #3
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Sounds like he already had a few before coming over. Cant answer the question, he would have been out the door within a minute of throwing anything, even if it was not hazardous.
Some people have issues, including drugs and alcohol. Doesn't mean you have to be part of their problem.
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:23 PM   #4
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The right answer is probably to discuss this with him and let him know his behavior is unacceptable and either say you’re done or that he has one last chance not to do that again. Personally, I tend to avoid conflict and would likely just disappear and be unavailable if any future contact is attempted. Good luck.
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:28 PM   #5
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My husband has never really liked him and was in his office. This is the second time in 2 months which is weird considering the length of our friendship. Ghosting is my style but my BF thinks direct is kinder.
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:43 PM   #6
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My husband has never really liked him and was in his office. This is the second time in 2 months which is weird considering the length of our friendship. Ghosting is my style but my BF thinks direct is kinder.
Your husband doesn’t like him because your husband knows what you know.

Per your initial post:

Quote:
He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested.
I’m sure you have, but if not, you should watch When Harry Met Sally. I don’t 100% agree, but it’s rare that a man and woman can be just friends. Certainly there’s plenty of relationships that can be platonic but for most, there’s a level of tension that exists. We’re kind of wired that way.
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:57 PM   #7
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Actually I have had 3 good male friends through the years which was purely platonic. My second husband was very jealous of one of them. My present husband isn’t. It’s just sad that it’s ended this way. He had a partner for 5 years and we all got along and had so much fun together.
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Old 08-02-2019, 10:16 PM   #8
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Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.
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Old 08-03-2019, 12:13 AM   #9
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Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.


I agree with this, although if a male friend let me know he’d be interested if DH weren’t around, that would make me uncomfortable and I’d probably want to end it.
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Old 08-03-2019, 05:22 AM   #10
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Your husband doesn’t like him because your husband knows what you know.

Per your initial post:



I’m sure you have, but if not, you should watch When Harry Met Sally. I don’t 100% agree, but it’s rare that a man and woman can be just friends. Certainly there’s plenty of relationships that can be platonic but for most, there’s a level of tension that exists. We’re kind of wired that way.
TT, saw your post #7, but have to agree with the above, although can be exceptions. I would end it soon.
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:06 AM   #11
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Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.
This is what I'd do as well. Captain Awkward is a great blog on dealing with relationships. One of the things she talks about is how it doesn't matter why someone behaved badly, only that their actions bothered you. They can change their actions, or not, and you do what feels safest to you with that info.

There seems to be a tendency for women to make excuses for men behaving badly. I've done it in the past, but it's something that needs to stop. He was behaving poorly - he can change his behavior, or no longer be graced with your presence.
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:11 AM   #12
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The relationship would have been over that night for me. If this is what he is doing with your husband still around....... This guy has issues.
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:15 AM   #13
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He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested...
This is when the friendship should have ended. Sure, men and women can be platonic friends, but only when neither is interested.

That potential violence is now in the picture just means your ending it is even more overdue, ADD or whatever, doesn't matter, this is not a friendship, it's a risk.
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:26 AM   #14
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The relationship would have been over that night for me. If this is what he is doing with your husband still around....... This guy has issues.

+1


And that is probably what Dear Abby would say.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:23 AM   #15
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Interesting story... No advice to you, but my thought is to cut some slack with very good, long term friends. An extra glass of wine or a bad day could prompt a bad moment. It's happened to me, and to those near to me. Rather than living with worry or distrust, I've found a way to put the event way back in my mind... and to continue with what has been good for a long time. If and when it happened again, time for a discussion and a clear understanding.

For some of us, losing a good friend, whether by moving, or death, is an upsetting experience that doesn't go away easily. On the other hand, a friendly, peaceful parting, when necessary, can make things right.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:39 AM   #16
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sorry Imoldrnu, gotta disagree; I read that it's the - third time - that something has happened, so there's a very noticeable pattern- - and it's definitely NOT good.

I'd agree that a direct statement that his behavior has definitely crossed (any) line and that he is no longer welcome (especially when you see that he has tendencies for violence, DON'T put yourself in the position to experience that again)
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:43 AM   #17
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I find the guys behavior detrimental to your main relationship. Not so much if you were alone i'd want you, but hanging out so much the other person feels a need to retreat. And forcing a couple to let him sleep over.

The question to me would be is he a threat or continuing irritation to your primary relationship? and if he is, is the relationship fulfilling enough needs in you to make it worth the bother. A threat can just be your squeeze avoids you enough to start decoupling.

If I routinely had a person invited over that i could not despise I'd probably let them know in front of the other person what actions i was finding objectionable, and probably kick his ass out on first transgression. But I've never been particularly known for tolerating bs.

If you give an ultimatum on behavior, you may avert guilt as they choose to be avoided.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:45 AM   #18
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(especially when you see that he has tendencies for violence, DON'T put yourself in the position to experience that again)
And, even if it’s not “violent” but just ugly behavior, it’s time to let go. I have golfed with people that get mad. It’s not violent, but it makes it no fun for me. I don’t golf with them any longer. Per the OP, I ghosted them . Didn’t feel any good would come from the confrontation.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:49 AM   #19
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This is when the friendship should have ended. Sure, men and women can be platonic friends, but only when neither is interested.

That potential violence is now in the picture just means your ending it is even more overdue, ADD or whatever, doesn't matter, this is not a friendship, it's a risk.
+1 one huge warning sign followed by another should be enough to make anyone move on.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:56 AM   #20
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I am wondering if your friend has developing mental health issues or is becoming jealous. It is time to let him go. I would do it over the phone or however you usually set up your get togethers, explaining that his behaviors make you uncomfortable.
Not to freak you out but I would also make sure that husband is nearby for next few weeks.
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