I'm basing this post on my observations of people in general, from w*rk meetings (believe it or not ) and a few public verbal confrontations I've witnessed from a safe distance.I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?
I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?
Now, I just walk away. No need to tolerate those sociopaths now that I'm retired. In the past, I found the best way is to be exagerately sweet to them while watching my back. It is the best revenge because I deny them the satisfaction of getting to me while actually exposing them for what they are. They really can't get the power they desire with the high road strategy. It really ticks them off and they seek easier prey.
Not the first time, but I could not agree more with this answer. In my younger days, I could verbally take anyone's head off, I got so good at it no one would mess with me. But then I grew up, and that approach just begets more of the same if not worse, it's pointless, and you're no better than the source if you take that route IMO. So again, in my experience, Ziggy is on the money here.I just remind myself that it must suck to be such a bitter person, and be thankful that I'm not like that. I prefer not to even dignify them by wasting time, energy or brain power to respond. They aren't worth it.
And when you know people who have a pattern of doing this to many others, there's no reason to take it personally. They're just a cranky, bitter person. Again, thank God I'm not like them.
It's like I often say: If you have a problem with some other person, the problem might lie with them. But if you have a problem with just about everyone, the problem is *you*.
I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?
Exactly. They’re unhappy with their life or the choices they’ve made and express it by trying to make others like them. Some also suffer from depression.I just remind myself that it must suck to be such a bitter person, and be thankful that I'm not like that. I prefer not to even dignify them by wasting time, energy or brain power to respond. They aren't worth it.
And when you know people who have a pattern of doing this to many others, there's no reason to take it personally. They're just a cranky, bitter person. Again, thank God I'm not like them.
Some of us are unable to avoid people who are nasty without reason.
Exactly. They’re unhappy with their life or the choices they’ve made and express it by trying to make others like them. Some also suffer from depression.
Dealing with repeat offenders is more challenging. They do it better – practice makes perfect – so responding often leads to escalation. I have to deal with people like this with whom contact is frequent and unavoidable. Nothing really works, but my preferred response is : “there’s nothing you can say or do that will make me feel any different about myself, my family or you, so why don’t you just go insult someone else and when you're feeling better come on back” and if needed “you know there are professionals that can help you deal with these feelings”.
Nothing has ever stopped this kind of behaviour, though. It’s a sign of emotional disturbance that needs professional help.
Hmmm...sounds like you've met Kate Gosselin.
To a person, I've found whenever I have encountered someone who makes a personal, vicious attack on me--one with no substance really because a. either the person doesn't know me or b. because I have not done what the person thinks I have or c. any multitude of reasons--that the person who is the attacker is unhappy with their own lives. Either they are just losers and are trying to make themselves feel better by attacking or maybe it's much deeper than that (dysfunctional childhood, drug or alcohol problem and so forth). Whatever their problem, it is their surprising and vicious attack on your person that comes out of the blue and works like a slap in the face. But I guess in the attacker's mind, it provides them with some relief from their own pain?
There is a woman at my pool who I've seen viciously attack another lady there who's done absolutely zero to her to deserve her nastiness. It was really a below the belt remark(s) about the lady having lines in her face (she's 70, so get real cause, of course, she will have some lines). The attacker is so over-Botoxed she actually has changed her German features to almost Asian and looks, frankly, odd.
I've seen same woman attack another lady about the cellulite in her thighs/legs. Granted, the attacker lacks cellulite, but she is about 70 lbs. overweight. Does she not have a mirror. Talk about the pot calling the kettle.
So, after some thought, how do you handle attacks from vicious folks? Me, personally, I tend to let it roll off my shoulders normally and just cut them off socially by avoiding them. But, I'm not sure this is the best way really to handle those folks who need to project their own shortcomings and unhappiness on others.
What is the best way to handle vicious attacks on your person that are undeserved and just plain cruel/mean? Is the best way to treat these just to ignore them and leave the person alone or is it better to say something back to the person that shuts them up for good? And--if you do say something back to them--what do you say that hits the nail on the head but doesn't put you into a counter-attack mode?
As I get older--and have experienced plenty of this put-down/insulting attack method from one of my relatives (or as I call him, "an equal opportunity insulter")--where my "let it roll off my shoulders and he will stop" method did not stop him. In fact, he felt it gave him more license to continue because, since I didn't say anything to him, he could UP the attacks. Needless to say, after X number of years, I no longer speak to him or care to see him ever again relative or not.
Anyone have a better method than what I've been using?
Yes! A HUGE benefit to ER. You are no longer obligated to deal with idiots or abusive/toxic people. Unless they are a close relative in which case ER makes no difference.Well, this thread is giving me renewed enthusiasm to ER because I will have a choice to walk away from idiots.
I worked with a woman who had the perfect, non-verbal response to abusive people. She would adopt a very neutral expression on her face, and very slowly and almost imperceptibly shake her head from side to side (ie., moving her head maybe an inch or two) while maintaining eye contact with the person. One time she and I were in a staff meeting when our nutcase boss went off on another staffer. It was amazing to watch Boss become aware of her silent gaze; it made him very uncomfortable. (I wouldn't advise doing this to strangers, but believe me, it works wonders on friends and family!)
You can either avoid or confront.