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Old 12-21-2010, 09:56 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Westernskies View Post
"as we will be moving to Brazil, the best presents would be your presence"

Then you get no money
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:02 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by bizlady View Post
On the card that tells them where the reception is, why not say somthing like, Please join us in celebrating with him and her before they relocate to Brazil....
+1

A similar idea would be to send a letter out to everyone coming to wedding (wait until RSVPs come back), explaining "thank you for RSVPing... after the wedding we will be relocating to Brazil... before we relocate we will be selling most of our possessions and would prefer wedding gifts not be items we have to sell"... to this point "we have not registered for the wedding, and would prefer to NOT receive gifts which would just be sold at a moving sale in 12 months..."

I am sure that wording can be improved, but the point should be made clear and be very direct.

And then if the parents are "on board", they should openly discuss this with other guests many many weeks before the wedding and reiterate if gifts are given, they will more than likely be sold before they are moved, and it's better to not give material gifts.

My pet peeve with weddings and similar are people which give junk which they think is "important to the giver". Things which for one reason or another they think are traditions or items which will carry on importance in the new family. Most of the people which gave gifts like that I barely talk to because they obviously don't know me or my wife that well (come to think of it all those gifts came from my wife's side).

It should be communicated both directly and indirectly (directly by couple getting married and indirectly by parents as much as they are comfortable with).

**edit to add**
I disagree with people which suggest you will get fewer gifts. Most people I know give money as wedding present, and as long as I know the person well, I give money. If it's my wife's cousin's daughter's soccer coach which invited us, I might shop off the registry, but most wedding presents I give will be money to anyone I know reasonably well.

If people don't give money, they won't give a present at all, but I don't think this wording discourages giving money.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:35 AM   #23
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Happy,

Congrats! My son married a lovely woman from Brazil who came to the US to do post-doc research. They got married on the beach in Florianapolis. After the wedding we toured Brazil and it is an amazing and beautiful country. If you get the chance, by all means, go and visit.
Oh yeah...I'm already thinking about a trip down to the Pantanal. My future son-in-law's home town is in that general area. It sounds like there will be another wedding in Brazil after they move down there...so....I will be going. Hmmm, now about the cost of that second wedding....
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:35 AM   #24
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Thank you everyone. I hope there isn't a shower unless it's lingerie...at least that would be packable.

It's supposed to be a very simple civil ceremony, but, after all the emails today, between my daughter and myself - we aren't too sure about it being simple any longer. The last email I received today mentioned the word ELOPE. he he I don't think they will go that far but DD is now wide awake.
One good thing about an elopement—since there's nobody there but the couple and the officiant, they won't get any wedding presents which would have to be sold or stored! Maybe they should elope (although if the parents know about their plans beforehand and don't object, elopement hardly seems like the right word). Then, instead of a wedding with guests they can have a reception/bon voyage party immediately before they leave. Is there a nice hotel or a good restaurant right by the airport? I agree with "Emily Post" and all the others who have agreed that gifts shouldn't be mentioned in the invitation, but surely if people are invited to a reception at the Airporter Hotel Ballroom for a couple leaving the country the next morning, they will figure out for themselves what kind of gifts are appropriate.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:40 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
Tonight my hubbie's going to see all,
And for gifts, make it a real*.


*or preferably many of them.

Get it?
Since I didn't see any other response, I will add, aargh.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:41 AM   #26
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Let's face it, weddings are mercenary in nature. In the invitation, just state how much the dinner and reception will cost per plate, and tell them you expect a similar amount in the form of cash, certified check, or bank wire.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:51 AM   #27
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One good thing about an elopement—since there's nobody there but the couple and the officiant, they won't get any wedding presents which would have to be sold or stored! Maybe they should elope (although if the parents know about their plans beforehand and don't object, elopement hardly seems like the right word). Then, instead of a wedding with guests they can have a reception/bon voyage party immediately before they leave. Is there a nice hotel or a good restaurant right by the airport? I agree with "Emily Post" and all the others who have agreed that gifts shouldn't be mentioned in the invitation, but surely if people are invited to a reception at the Airporter Hotel Ballroom for a couple leaving the country the next morning, they will figure out for themselves what kind of gifts are appropriate.
Hmmm I think you might have a good suggestion for my daughter if it's modified just a little. Another problem that we've been having is her reluctance to invite some family members to the dinner, the evening of the ceremony. She has them listed for the ceremony but not for the dinner and I don't think that is very proper at all. She wants a cake open house the next day for those relatives and other friends at MY HOUSE (70 people).

So, the above idea could be used to only invite "dinner" people to the civil ceremony (to keep it very small ) Then a week or so later invite everyone else to a "meet the couple" open house. That invitation could include the couples plans for living in Brazil...(?)

For those of you that don't have kids yet....think hard....
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:01 PM   #28
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Aha, yes, you are on to something. So that is a "Marriage Announcement" and can include a small card inviting them to a drop in to meet the couple prior to their leaving for Brazil. No gifts are expected when a guest receives this sort of announcement, so you will dodge that bullet. However, if this is your planned direction, you wouldn't genearally do showers and the like ahead of time.

The goal, which you'll probably have to remind DD of fairly often, is that treasured friends and family members have the opportunity to wish them well in their new lives together. Keeping this as the goal will help avoid more mercenary tendencies (like Fuego, that devil).
Your instincts for the dinner versus ceremony versus open house is spot-on. She can't mix and match like that!
I do see another bonus of being child free about now! But just think of the awesome time you will have visiting later!
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:59 PM   #29
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Thank you kyounge1956 and Sarah (aka Emily) (and everyone else)...I will propose a new solution to DD. Keeping my fingers crossed.
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:27 PM   #30
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When my daughter got married we went dress shopping and it was one of the highlights of my life .Seeing her in those wedding dresses. I cried , I paid & we went out to lunch . Buy waterproof mascara as you will need it !
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:32 PM   #31
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Best wishes to your daughter, Happy2bretired, and congratulations to the groom. How exciting for them and for your also. I like this Brazil idea. I understand it is a beautiful country.
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:47 PM   #32
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Okay, are you ready to hear from Sarah aka Emily Post?

Etiquette demands that you make no mention of gifts whatsoever on invitations to formal events such as weddings. Period. No ifs ands or buts.

What should take place, is that those invited to said events are presumed to be close enough to family members (such as yourself, siblings, mother of the groom, etc) that they will ask: "where is DD registered for gifts?" or "what should we get them?".

At that time (and only at that time) the kind guest can be told that the young couple are planning a move to Brazil immediately following the wedding and have thus chosen not to register for gifts that would be difficult to ship to South America.

It is up to you, and other family members, to decide if you are close enough to the person asking, and they are amenable to the suggestion, that they give a monetary gift. Otherwise you should just say that their presence at the wedding will be a wonderful gift to the couple.

In many cultures, money is given at the wedding to the groom (even in our very southern and non-money giving culture, we still got around $500 handed over in cash to DH) for the honeymoon.

It is positively tacky to include solicitation for gifts of any kind on an invitation, even with the very best of intentions. A gracious bride does not expect anything from invited guests but their attendance.

This may work in a mono-culture but it won't work in your special circumstances. I think its wrong [mod edit] to assume that all of the people that will get invited to the wedding (and think they are obligated to give something) will connect the dots and realize that the couple are just going to sell anything that is given to them. You're great aunt Mae (who doesn't get out much) is going to be really angry when she finds out that the silver punchbowl she spent hours picking out went on e-bay 3 months after the wedding. I've slightly modified bizlady's suggestion: "On the card that tells them where the reception is, why not say something like, Please join us in celebrating with him and her before they sell all their posessions and relocate to Brazil....". There will still be a few that don't get it but at least you tried.

Lorne
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:45 PM   #33
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Register at Bed Bath and Beyond - you can bring all the gifts off your registry back there and they will give you cash for everything you return. For large amounts they cut a check from headquarters and it takes a week or two. Contact BBBY and they'll confirm this is the policy.
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:28 PM   #34
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When my daughter got married we went dress shopping and it was one of the highlights of my life .Seeing her in those wedding dresses. I cried , I paid & we went out to lunch . Buy waterproof mascara as you will need it !
I'm really looking forward to dress shopping. Maybe it should read...I paid, I cried...just kidding. I don't wear mascara any longer...maybe that's a good thing.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:34 AM   #35
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Aww, happy2b, that will be a great day for you to spend with her. I still remember going dress shopping with a girlfriend and taking pictures in some of the dresses to help with ideas for my own.

I had a relative make my dress from a design we created together (her mother made my mother's dress way back when). We took a trip with my mom, my two great aunts Sophie and Sarah, and her to the giant fabric warehouse to select the material for my dress and that of my attendants. Such great fun! I loved my great aunts and they were pure magic in the months leading up to my wedding. I was named for both of them (I'm the 13th Sarah, one each generation, in my family).

You will treasure those memories (as will she) forever. Yay!
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Old 12-22-2010, 09:21 AM   #36
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Aww, happy2b, that will be a great day for you to spend with her. I still remember going dress shopping with a girlfriend and taking pictures in some of the dresses to help with ideas for my own.

I had a relative make my dress from a design we created together (her mother made my mother's dress way back when). We took a trip with my mom, my two great aunts Sophie and Sarah, and her to the giant fabric warehouse to select the material for my dress and that of my attendants. Such great fun! I loved my great aunts and they were pure magic in the months leading up to my wedding. I was named for both of them (I'm the 13th Sarah, one each generation, in my family).

You will treasure those memories (as will she) forever. Yay!
Thanks for sharing your great memories, Sarah. Isn't it amazing the memories that get stirred up just before a wedding. Last night I pulled out my wedding album and the bride and groom were in a little huddle really taking in the pictures.

DD noticed the pearls I was wearing from my wedding pictures (for the first time) and said that she would like to wear pearls. So, then I pulled out my grandmother's three strand pearl necklace (the one I wore). My grandmother's name was Pearl and I think DD is going to wear that necklace.
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