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Old 03-13-2008, 12:01 PM   #41
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Like most people here I have experienced my share of these critical events, but really never sought out support groups or others to share with about them. For some reason I haven't felt much need to do that and in a sense, it seems like an intrusion upon a precious and very private memory.

That doesn't mean that I don't get things out in the open. I do post pretty openly on forums, probably moreso than some others. But don't expect me to say everything. For me, some things and some feelings are best worked through in other, more private ways.

The camaraderie of my friends and on several forums does help in an indirect sense. I feel the support and that strengthens me in general, even though they may not be aware of the specifics. I think we each work through grief in our own ways, but sometimes we won't SEE someone working through it since they may have a different approach.
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Old 03-13-2008, 12:47 PM   #42
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Interesting topic and one that is relevent at critical times in a man's life.

Divorce

Death of a spouse

Loss of a job

Loss of a child


These are critical events in anyone's life and they all involve some form of loss. Loss is difficult to just walk away from as it affects many aspects of your life and unless you find a way to deal with each loss individually they will become additive and can create some pretty nasty psyco-social issues if not addressed.
Excellent post Steve, and it addresses much of what I am talking about. I have a brother whose wife is very sick right now. They like most corporate worker couples with no children have not always been able to make solid support networks on the ground wherever they happen to have been transferred. It's a relaionshp much like what many on these boards have described- they are each other's best friends, and other than far off family and geographically spread friendships that they have maintained over the years, they are more or less alone except for one another.

Not a good situation when trouble strikes. And as some of the comments on this thread have made clear, when a man hits an emotional wall a lot of his barroom drinking-fishing- stamp collecting male friends are as useless as teats on a boar. And for married men, it is not always easy to have women friends- not couple friends who are really your wife's frieds, but female friends who are yours. Not hard to understand- when you get to know a woman she often become more and more appealing to you, thus more of a potential problem in our sometimes strict version of married life.

I think from reading suggestions on this thread that what I want to do is two-pronged. Find a church that I can still deal with, and pitch in there. And also, find a men's group with male political issues on the table. I really don't want to wait until I have another personal crisis myself, but rather join in now to build for everyone's well being.

Years ago during the height of the AIDS crisis among gay men I became aware that they had built something that most heterosexual men had not. They were politically effective in advocating for their cause; and they were personally effective as groups binding themselves together to help one another.

Heterosexual men are at the stage where women were in the mid-fifties, before some leaders helped them to see that all was not well.

I should probably add that I need warm social interaction when all is well too. I guess some do not need it or even want it.

Ha
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Old 03-13-2008, 12:52 PM   #43
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Deeply un-politically correct sentiments in some ways, ha, but I can't say I disagree. I guess as far as the younger generation goes, its not a simple matter to change the way you interact with other men. This is complicated by the tendency of society to further cement you into accepted roles as you age. I don't really see how this could change.
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:07 PM   #44
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I feel everyone is different. Going around painting a gender,race or nationality with broad paint strokes is wrong.
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:30 PM   #45
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I feel everyone is different. Going around painting a gender,race or nationality with broad paint strokes is wrong.
Shouldn't you throw in religious affiliation among the things-never-to-be-discussed?
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:45 PM   #46
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Like most people here I have experienced my share of these critical events, but really never sought out support groups or others to share with about them. For some reason I haven't felt much need to do that and in a sense, it seems like an intrusion upon a precious and very private memory.

Everyone is different ! When my husband died I went to so many grief groups I could have written reviews of them . This one is good but stale donuts . This one has too many weepers but the coffee is starbucks . This one the leader is a little freaky but the people are nice .
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:49 PM   #47
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I think from reading suggestions on this thread that what I want to do is two-pronged. Find a church that I can still deal with, and pitch in there. And also, find a men's group with male political issues on the table. I really don't want to wait until I have another personal crisis myself, but rather join in now to build for everyone's well being.

.

Ha

Great idea Ha !
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:59 PM   #48
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Shouldn't you throw in religious affiliation among the things-never-to-be-discussed?
I never said things shouldn't be discussed. Just threw out my opinion like everyone else.
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Old 03-13-2008, 09:08 PM   #49
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I literally have shared 99.99% of my grief and issues with DW. I think the reason we clicked so long ago was we both lost our moms as kids, and we ended up working through that many years later, and now we are comfortable talking about nearly anything..............when my sister died 18 months ago, without DW I would have been toast......it was that devastating to me............
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Old 05-08-2008, 10:40 AM   #50
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Perhaps the economy will promote men's support groups. Apparently they (we) have lots to complain about: The Slump: It's a Guy Thing.
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Old 05-08-2008, 03:00 PM   #51
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The only time I have had "feelings" type discussions with a guy is when my buddy's dog died. Guys dont talk with other guys about this kind of stuff because a guy cant give the best answer. Women are great when it comes to talking personal issues.
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Old 05-08-2008, 03:18 PM   #52
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Guys dont talk with other guys about this kind of stuff because a guy cant give the best answer. Women are great when it comes to talking personal issues.
Sexist generalizations and stereotypes should be avoided.
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Old 05-08-2008, 06:19 PM   #53
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There are plenty of non-gay drum circles but they are in places like Santa Cruz CA and other campuses. My son is a music major in college, with a focus on percussion, believe me, there is a lot of drumming going on.
And beside the new age projects and college drumming there are the age old fraternal associations. All of them have their individual focus but I know there is a lot of male bonding and support, at least it is that way in my lodge. These organizations do a lot of good as well as have good times.
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Old 05-17-2008, 11:41 PM   #54
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For older white guys who think about drumming you should check out the new movie "The Visitor". About how an older academic fellow who has lost his wife makes friends with an immigrant who teaches him to drum. There is more to the story but the drum connection should be enough for some of the posters to see this movie.
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Old 05-19-2008, 09:01 AM   #55
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This one has too many weepers but the coffee is starbucks.
Sounds like that one had nothing going for it (unless you like burnt coffee!).
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:13 AM   #56
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The question "How do your feel?" has no answer that makes sense for us. We don't allow ourselves to get in touch with our feelings on a daily basis so this question is meaningless to us.

And why does "hungry" or "sleepy" piss her off. Seems a reasonable answer.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:40 AM   #57
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The question "How do your feel?" has no answer that makes sense for us. We don't allow ourselves to get in touch with our feelings on a daily basis so this question is meaningless to us.

And why does "hungry" or "sleepy" piss her off. Seems a reasonable answer.
Raising a kid taught me that when someone is cranky, usually they are hungry, sleepy, or wet. Grownups can usually control the latter! Anyhow, grownups (me included) so often think that the reason they feel cranky and miserable is ever so much more complicated, when really, they are just hungry or sleepy.

I guess what I am getting around to is that "hungry" or "sleepy" are valid responses. I wouldn't want to discuss feelings with someone who is hungry or sleepy because to me that means "not happy" and they need to eat or sleep first.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:16 AM   #58
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I find that I get cranky when I'm sleepy, but not really when I'm hungry. DW gets cranky when she's hungry, but not really when she's sleepy. Anyone else have a gender bias here? Actually, now that I think of it, I think at some point I did see an article about that exact thing...
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:27 AM   #59
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I'm cranky either way, when I'm either hungry or sleepy. Also I'm cranky when I'm hot or cold and I'm absolutely the WORST when I am sick. Guess I am getting to be one of those cranky old ladies!
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