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What If We Dont Get Along???
Old 01-24-2019, 02:04 PM   #1
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What If We Dont Get Along???

After 39 years happily married (she tells me ) Im joking arent I?

But when DW works her last day on Feb 1, well be together like never before. It occurred to us we were both working when we met and later married, so weve never been together more than a few days at a time other than a two week vacation occasionally - obviously ideal circumstances.

We know well need to have lives of our own along with lives together. Ill be sailing, playing golf and several other guy things and she knows she needs to have her own interests apart from me too.

I think well be fine, but Id welcome any learned wisdom you have to share, so Im not tempted to go back to work...
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:15 PM   #2
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I think well be fine, but Id welcome any learned wisdom you have to share, so Im not tempted to go back to work...
Oh, there is probably no danger of it getting so bad you want to go back to work!

This topic has come up before and it is an adjustment but we worked through it. For a while it was almost like we were "joined at the hip" but we both realized that each needs some "alone time" or just time without the other with family and/or friends. And really, since we're both around each other so much anyway, it doesn't matter and can sometimes be welcome.

If she goes out for the day with friends or I go out doing some guy thing, it is very different from taking a day to go with friends while you're both working. Then, since time together is more limited, the lack of time together becomes more noticeable.

It is an adjustment to be sure, but we didn't find it a difficult one.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:21 PM   #3
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We’re pretty content being joined at the hip, and certainly years full-time RVing together force such a scenario, and we were quite happy. Now we spend less time together as our hobbies have somewhat diverged.

I think we knew before retiring that extreme togetherness was not going to be a problem. We’re both introverts and can happily be in the same room each doing our own thing.

BTW we have a nice set of Bluetooth headphones for when only one of us is watching TV since we share a living space most of the time, and the kitchen is open to it. Our house is only 1100 square feet living space.

We have a front second bedroom that was set up as an exercise and craft room and has since become a music and exercise room. I mostly use it as DH is out a lot walking and cycling with his camera gear so he only occasionally does an indoor workout, , and I’m the only musician.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:24 PM   #4
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One or both can go back to work PT to fix too much time together.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:27 PM   #5
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You are the one looking at a new home and possible move to NC, right? I mix up posters some time. In your new home, I suggest you look for a place where you each have your own space somewhere in the house for hobbies, TV, reading, whatever, so you don't have to be on top of each other 24x7. I think that's why some people like having a nice garage or workshop--not so much that they like working on cars or doing woodworking projects, but also to get some alone time.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:44 PM   #6
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When our furniture arrived from the USA it was perfectly timed to move into our house here in England. The movers got a real kick out of the fact that we had a man-cave and a woman-cave. We have been together 44 years and know that we have quite different tastes in TV in an evening and different online activities. We spend plenty of time together doing common pursuits including the gym, travel etc. but we also have plenty of other interests that we do apart.

The key is to know your common interests and your boundaries before retiring.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:48 PM   #7
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I think it just really depends on the people...some get along great being together 24/7, others...not so much.

DW and I do spend a lot of time together (she w*rks from home) and it works out well. Of course, there are some days when I would prefer a little more space, but that's easy to do with yard/pool/other tasks around the house. In our new house, we have offices that are across from each other...she is in hers from 8:30'ish until 4:00'ish each day...me, just a couple hours a day. Probably the biggest thing that is somewhat bothersome is the extreme quiet. Since DW is on the phone often, the TV/radio is usually turned off...so still trying to get used to that.

I read a lot (DW doesn't), so I spend a good bit of time doing that, and it keeps me pretty occupied. She has some TV shows I don't watch and she will often watch those in the bedroom, as to not bother me. So far, no issues of "too much" or "too little" time together.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:52 PM   #8
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When our furniture arrived from the USA it was perfectly timed to move into our house here in England. The movers got a real kick out of the fact that we had a man-cave and a woman-cave. We have been together 44 years and know that we have quite different tastes in TV in an evening and different online activities. We spend plenty of time together doing common pursuits including the gym, travel etc. but we also have plenty of other interests that we do apart.

The key is to know your common interests and your boundaries before retiring.
+1000 This is the perfect answer.

Frank and I decided there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing the fact that we both need a lot of "alone time". In our case, his house is the man-cave and mine (next door) is the woman-cave, but it's the same concept as what Alan and his DW are doing.

We are together maybe 6-7 hours/day, and only when both of us want to be together. For example, sometimes he comes over and stays too late, and he has no problem with being kicked out (with a smile) when that happens.
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Old 01-24-2019, 02:58 PM   #9
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+1000 This is the perfect answer.

Frank and I decided there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing the fact that we both need a lot of "alone time". In our case, his house is the man-cave and mine (next door) is the woman-cave, but it's the same concept as what Alan and his DW are doing.

We are together maybe 6-7 hours/day, and only when both of us want to be together. For example, sometimes he comes over and stays too late, and he has no problem with being kicked out (with a smile) when that happens.
I like your arrangement best. If for whatever reason DW and I weren't together anymore...any subsequent relationship living situation would be something like yours.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:00 PM   #10
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We are together at the hip most of the time and that's the way we want it. We are each other's best friend.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:03 PM   #11
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I like your arrangement best. If for whatever reason DW and I weren't together anymore...any subsequent relationship living situation would be something like yours.
Same her. It's probably too extreme for people who have been living together, but it really seems ideal to me if I ever got into another serious relationship.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:10 PM   #12
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You are the one looking at a new home and possible move to NC, right? I mix up posters some time. In your new home, I suggest you look for a place where you each have your own space somewhere in the house for hobbies, TV, reading, whatever, so you don't have to be on top of each other 24x7. I think that's why some people like having a nice garage or workshop--not so much that they like working on cars or doing woodworking projects, but also to get some alone time.
Yes, thats us.

Im enjoying the comments so far.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:13 PM   #13
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I like your arrangement best. If for whatever reason DW and I weren't together anymore...any subsequent relationship living situation would be something like yours.
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Same her. It's probably too extreme for people who have been living together, but it really seems ideal to me if I ever got into another serious relationship.
Thanks. We like it a lot. It probably isn't right for everybody, but our living arrangement plus our decision to keep our money and assets separate, has been just right for us over the past 19 years or so since we met.

Interestingly, friends and relatives take it in stride and just act like we are husband and wife. Maybe there are more people doing this than one might think.

We did live together for maybe a month after Katrina for storm related reasons. We prefer to live separately if we can afford to do so (and we can).
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:33 PM   #14
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Our daughter and her partner have a similar arrangement as W2R. Both were divorced after 11 years and they have now been together for 6 years but live separately and close by, and keep their finances to themselves as well. Neither marriage had any children so no complications in that regard.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:44 PM   #15
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We both retired last summer, and were both really concerned about it. We both work out, and try to get "alone" time by staying home (with the dog) while the other is at the gym. We lunch individually with friends once or twice a week, and together at least once a week. Our house is big enough that we don't have to be in the same room if we don't want to be but usually are in the evenings when we watch TV, just as we did when we were both working. Your new house would ideally have these options - he's got a man cave, I have a sewing room. We made a pact that we'd tell the other if we needed some space, and the other would would promise not to get all b*tthurt. Sometimes I need a solo bike ride or walk, and sometimes I want the company and I tell him so and visa versa So far, so good. Dang, I'm rambling...
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:52 PM   #16
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DW retired 2 years ago, 3 years after me. We've been together almost 40 years, but it's definitely been a challenge being around each other 24/7/365 for the first time. I think she and I had different expectations and we never really talked about it beforehand. So we're working through it as we go.

There are plenty of activities we like doing together. And we each have our separate friends and activities. But with the trivial day-to-day stuff, we seem to drive each other crazy. I won't go into details but it's enough that we both get stressed about it from time to time. I'm fairly confident we'll work though it and find our rhythm. But I suppose there's a chance we won't. Time will tell.
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:26 PM   #17
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My husband was worried when I retired that I'd ruin his free time. But timing worked out that he had to go back to the job he retired from when his replacement quit at a critical part of the project. In the meantime I started an Italian class at the local community college... so that gave him a break from me when he finished up and *really* retired.

Those breaks from each other helped us ease into the togetherness. Now we have a routine that includes lots of separate activities... I do my beach walks and go to a different gym that he does. (I like the local YMCA, but they don't do silver sneakers.) But a lot of time is spent doing separate things in the same room... On our computers, but doing different things.
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:29 PM   #18
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I definitely need my alone time, and I take it. I have a sewing room, I go for solitary walks or bike rides, I stay up about an hour later than DH most nights and sleep later the next morning. I have some friends that I socialize with.

We play pickleball together, sort of. We go together to the same courts, but avoid playing as a team. We work as river guides at the same place, but try not to be on the same trip. We do taxes for AARP at the same time / place.

If we spent all day together, what would we have to discuss during dinner?
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:41 PM   #19
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My typical routine:

I'm up in the morning before DW, usually 6:00 am. I shower, etc and feed the dog, then take him for a short walk. By 7:00 am I am out the door to Burger King to have coffee with some friends (my ROMEO Group). By 9:00 am I am back home and DW is up and ready for breakfast. Sometimes we go out for breakfast and sometimes we stay home and cook.

The rest of the day is made up of us doing whatever is needed or doing separate things with family or friends, sometimes together and sometimes alone.

I walk the dog a few times a day as DW is not able to do that.

This works and we usually spend the evenings together.

Rinse and repeat....
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:47 PM   #20
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...weve never been together more than a few days at a time other than a two week vacation occasionally - obviously ideal circumstances.
My marriage is quite different. We are best friends, and are almost joined at the hip except when I work. BUT....travel planning, and getting there, is the most stressful part of our marriage. I like to plan ahead, get to the airport 2.5 hours early, and have lots of schedule slack. My wife likes to arrive last-minute, pack every minute with activities, and pre-plan every step of the trip, including restaurants along the way. I have an issue with needing to be on time.

Considering your longevity, I don't foresee any problems!
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