Join Early Retirement Today
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
What pets write in their diaries
Old 09-20-2009, 10:50 AM   #1
Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 886
What pets write in their diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


Trek is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 09-20-2009, 11:10 AM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Gotadimple's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,498
Dear God: Why do humans smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the Jaguar, the Cougar, the Mustang, the Colt, the Stingray, and the Rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a Cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

I will not eat cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5.The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom's Drivers License and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm laying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living-room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God: May I have my testicles back?
Only got A dimple, would have preferred 2!
Gotadimple is offline   Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Pets. How strong is the bond? Sam Other topics 74 06-05-2007 05:42 PM
Pets in ER Sheryl Other topics 37 03-20-2007 05:12 PM
Tied Down by Home/and or Pets. Elderdude Life after FIRE 63 02-28-2007 07:16 PM
I need to write a will thefed Other topics 26 12-07-2006 06:41 PM
Check Your Vehicles for Pets Outtahere Other topics 21 07-19-2006 12:08 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:18 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.