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Old 10-24-2015, 04:19 PM   #21
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I think that you have received some good advice. I would not do anything rash. We will have been married 43 yrs in 2 days, and while the majority of it has been good, we have definitely had a few rough patches also.

I am wondering about her being somewhat depressed also. She might be looking ahead to the empty nest that she will be facing. It is not easy for a lot of people, myself included, to know that you will not play as large a part in your children's life. Especially, if you were the main person involved in their lives.

Hopefully, if you are patient with her, her feelings can change again. Maybe once she is not so focused on the children, her focus will shift back to you. Perhaps, she feels like your focus is on your job and the children and not on her. Maybe she is just tired and thinks how wonderful it would be to not have to take care of anything, except for herself. Who knows, there can be many possibilities. You both sound like good people and I wish you the best of luck. Hope it works out.
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Old 10-24-2015, 04:48 PM   #22
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I ran into similar issues about your age. Ex-DW had just hit menopause and then she lost some close relatives and our dog died (no kids, so the dog was like a kid to us). I think she was just depressed and she agreed to get counseling, but she ended up with a counselor that felt that marriage was an anachronism and was convinced she would be happier alone. Fifteen years later I still don't understand it, but I'd suggest joint counseling as opposed to letting her work with a counselor alone.
+1
Folks don't realize but counsellors themselves carry a lot of baggage into sessions and this can spill out to the clients.
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Old 10-24-2015, 04:53 PM   #23
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Suggest couples counselling, it can't really hurt as you both will be there, and it may help facilitate the talk.
Perhaps she is medically depressed or a hormonal (mid-life crisis) issue, getting a checkup and bloodwork might suggest something.
Now for the negative stuff.
While you talk and agree on 50/50 , fact is once lawyers are involved it is often war as lawyers make more $$$ that way.
Almost standard is: she gets the house free, she gets custody, you pay child support and probably alimony for a very long time.
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Old 10-24-2015, 04:57 PM   #24
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This is about kiki, but my point is that if you send your wife off to deal with her issues alone, you may find that the counselor may encourage her to leave, depending on their own bias.

Yes, I did talk to the her counselor and indeed she had dispatched her own husband. She felt that lifetime marriages were a thing of the past, and even then were endured by necessity rather than a true desire for lifelong monogamy.
Unfortunately we are all human and do carry some bias, but that sounds like as a couple you got a bad draw on the counselor. I just hope kiki can find a counseling solution that works for everybody. My personal preference for myself would be to get solo help first.
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Old 10-24-2015, 05:04 PM   #25
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+1
Folks don't realize but counsellors themselves carry a lot of baggage into sessions and this can spill out to the clients.

This is one of my main concerns. A good couple of ours rotated through counsellors and some of the stuff that I heard was pretty shocking.

Personally, I'm a bit of a mindfulness meditation nut. I have yet to do any formal classes (except for one intro to meditation a long time ago), but have practiced on and off at home and have recently been listening to audiobooks. To me, I think there's a lot of benefit to this type of practice.

If I was to go to a counsellor, I would gravitate towards this group of individuals. I think they have the right perspective, in that you have to have a self awareness of mind in order to work through difficult problems.
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Old 10-24-2015, 06:20 PM   #26
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I ran into similar issues about your age. Ex-DW had just hit menopause and then she lost some close relatives and our dog died (no kids, so the dog was like a kid to us). I think she was just depressed and she agreed to get counseling, but she ended up with a counselor that felt that marriage was an anachronism and was convinced she would be happier alone. Fifteen years later I still don't understand it, but I'd suggest joint counseling as opposed to letting her work with a counselor alone.
I can speak from experience. Perimenopause and menopause can bring on some really strange things. I started getting really anxious for no apparent reason; nothing in my life had changed and it was only when I made the connection with menopause and treated that did I get my old life back. For me it started in my early 40s.
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