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What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 12:14 PM   #1
 
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What would you do?

Your daughter has left for college. You are cleaning up her room, and you find a daily journal. A quick glance shows you that it starts off with innocuous stuff, but soon moves on to heavy duty topics such as drinking, parents (you), and boyfriends.

What do you do?
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 12:18 PM   #2
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Re: What would you do?

This would not happen to me because I will never clean my kids' rooms. I'd like to think I would stop reading immediately. I might even tell her that she should find a better hiding place for it.
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 12:19 PM   #3
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Re: What would you do?

I can't imagine any good coming from reading it. She's at college; she's an adult (cough cough). I'm sure there's things about you that you wouldn't want her to read about. Some things are better left unknown.
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 12:29 PM   #4
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
What do you do?
Al, don't read it! You will end up just wanting to shoot your minds eye out... :P

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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 12:59 PM   #5
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
Your daughter has left for college. You are cleaning up her room, and you find a daily journal. A quick glance shows you that it starts off with innocuous stuff, but soon moves on to heavy duty topics such as drinking, parents (you), and boyfriends.

What do you do?
In the back of your mind, you probably know what is in there already!
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 01:12 PM   #6
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Re: What would you do?

Sounds like you've already read enough to get you upset so now you are on the hook whether you want to be or not.* Right?* First realize whatever you read probably appears in every healthy kids journal in some form. *Like they say, only the names have been changed.
I have never been exposed to my kids written *word, but I have found out a few shockers * in other ways.
Here's what I would do (and did) assuming you haven't come upon any ax murders.
Parents with solid kid relationships can exert a fair amount of influence into the forever more, even though you might think otherwise. *Therefore, make a list of the items that concern you. *Set the list aside for a day or two to allow some cool down time. Scratch those items that are really not life altering at this stage.
As for the others, plan your attack. *You can drop some heavy therapy without giving up your source of concern or really even acting like you are really concerned. *I got worried about # 1 sons drinking during his early college days so I frequenty slipped in stories (along the lines of general conversation) about my own youthful stupidity and that of others. *Now that he is in medical school I occasionally remind him of how devistating a mis step could be on the career he wants so badly. *Of course, all through the teen years I waged one hell of a nonsmoking psyops campaign.
I was always able to make progress by maintaining this stuff as constant background noise as opposed to the sudden confrontation.
As for reading beyond what you already have - -I think not.
Good luck for sure
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 01:16 PM   #7
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Re: What would you do?

Al, you already know you have a good successful daughter. So what if she got frustrated with you and her mother from time to time? So what if she has sex from time to time?

Try to remember how you felt and behaved at her age; and try to remember that even though you are still paying her bills, she is 2000 miles away and pretty much has escaped your control.

The goal now is good relationships among all of you once she gets out of college.

Ha
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 01:30 PM   #8
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
Parents with solid kid relationships can exert a fair amount of influence into the forever more, even though you might think otherwise.* Therefore, make a list of the items that concern you.* Set the list aside for a day or two to allow some cool down time. Scratch those items that are really not life altering at this stage.
As for the others, plan your attack.* You can drop some heavy therapy without giving up your source of concern or really even acting like you are really concerned.* I got worried about # 1 sons drinking during his early college days so I frequenty slipped in stories (along the lines of general conversation) about my own youthful stupidity and that of others.* Now that he is in medical school I occasionally remind him of how devistating a mis step could be on the career he wants so badly.* Of course, all through the teen years I waged one hell of a nonsmoking psyops campaign.
I was always able to make progress by maintaining this stuff as constant background noise as opposed to the sudden confrontation.
I would like this idea to be discussed more fully in this or another thread. I know many of us who have young adult or teenage kids know we will lose if we try to dispense advice. It just isn't tolerated by American young people, at least from their parents. Yet it seems insane to abdicate life training to their friends and random teachers, coaches etc. Some may be great; others you wish had never entered your lives.

I didn't have any confidence in my ability to pull off J. Patrick’s method of background life-advice suasion, so I tried to get them around people and books that I knew could be very helpful, and I tried to roadblock the other kind.

Nothing works even close to perfectly, but we have good relationships now, and they are both very successful guys with high standards. In some ways, I succeeded beyond my own abilities, by making use of others'.

Ha
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 01:47 PM   #9
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Re: What would you do?

I work with college kids on a daily basis and these students are more likely to listen to their parents then any other past generation. They generally respect and listen to their elders.
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 02:02 PM   #10
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by yelnad
I work with college kids on a daily basis and these students are more likely to listen to their parents then any other past generation. They generally respect and listen to their elders.
Agree with Ha, this is a good one for further gnawing, and of course, if we actually arrive at a one size fits all solution ,* we'll be rich beyond our wildest dreams*
Older kids will frequently use parents as a sounding board for ideas and/or problems they may have.* True, we may be last to be asked,* but at least we are in the chain.
Al, on the other hand, needs to work a kind of reverse sounding board- - that is, I already know the problem, but you're not asking for advice so I've got to find a way to get it (the advice to you) without you detecting the intervention.
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 02:17 PM   #11
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Re: What would you do?

Just read the good parts. You determine what that is...then never mention you read it...then forget it.....
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 02:32 PM   #12
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Re: What would you do?

Put it back and don't read it.

Reading the assorted stories, daily experiences, and expressions of feelings might be educational, but.........


Losing the trust of your kid is not worth the price.
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 02:35 PM   #13
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTien
Just read the good parts. You determine what that is...then never mention you read it...then forget it.....
I think you should go one better on Dan. Read the good parts and then post them up on this board so that we can give the really sage advice that we're famous for!

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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 02:41 PM   #14
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Re: What would you do?

Don't read it, mail it to her. I've already said enough to my parents' faces that I wish I could take back. Things she felt for a second about you will burn in you mind forever. The other stuff, well, you just don't want to know. :P
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 04:24 PM   #15
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Re: What would you do?

Ignorance is bliss!
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 04:49 PM   #16
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
You can drop some heavy therapy without giving up your source of concern or really even acting like you are really concerned. *I got worried about # 1 sons drinking during his early college days so I frequenty slipped in stories (along the lines of general conversation) about my own youthful stupidity and that of others. *
Good plan as long as you are subtle enough.* This reminds me of when I was in high school and my boyfriend's mother would leave newsclippings around the house - stories about the dangers of drinking, teen pregnancy, etc.* "Oh I just thought you guys might be interested in this story!" Umm... yeah.* I'm sure she thought she was being clever.

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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 05:00 PM   #17
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Re: What would you do?

My youngest is a senior in college. I don't want to know.

JG
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 06:00 PM   #18
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Re: What would you do?

IMHO, don't read it!!!
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 07:09 PM   #19
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurence
Don't read it, mail it to her.
Oh, you can do better than that. This is one of the very few ways that parents can ever avenge themselves without actually risking indictment.

First off, don't read it. You'll feel ever so much more virtuous.

Second, package it up and mail it to her with a letter telling her that you found it when you were converting her bedroom into a recording studio. Tell her that the rest of her stuff will start accruing storage charges after 90 days and will be used as cover art for your next album. (Hopefully she knows what an "album" is!)

Third, when you put the journal in the package, make sure that it's unlocked and in a position to have been read by you. (Hopefully she doesn't have access to a forensics lab & a fingerprint database.) Be careful to avoid any mention in your letter of whether or not you actually perused it.

Fourth, if she asks if you read it, tell her the truth. But do it in such an unconvincing manner that she'll always wonder!
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Re: What would you do?
Old 10-28-2005, 07:14 PM   #20
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
Your daughter has left for college.* You are cleaning up her room, and you find a daily journal.
Wow, I'll remember to use this story next time my kid fails to clean up her room.* *Dad: "Fine, I'll clean it myself."* *Kid:* "Nooooooooo!"
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