When your spouse refuses to get a job

[Fiddler]

I feel for this guy. My spouse and I will enjoy early retirement, because we BOTH worked and saved. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...o-wont-get-a-job-while-i-work-myself-to-death

 

[bclover]

I feel for this guy. My spouse and I will enjoy early retirement, because we BOTH worked and saved. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...o-wont-get-a-job-while-i-work-myself-to-death

Unfortunately Fiddler and as cruel as it sounds, I don't feel sorry for the dude. After being in a very similar situation early in my young life, someone said something to me. "No one can ride your back if you are not bent over".

Now of course the letter doesn't go into whether or not he has had a serious tete-a-tete as they say in French with his wife but the time for gentle pressure is over.

my wonderful late hubby was brutally good at this.
This is point A, if you us to get to point B this is what we must do. If we continue on our current path, this is what I'm going to do and the consequences.

Sorry I 'm not quietly letting someone lead me down the road to financial ruin.

 

[Blueskies123]

I do feel sorry for the dude. Someone that does not work cannot understand how stressful it is to succeed at a high paying, high stress job. I retired a year ago but the last 5 years probably took 10 years of good health off my life. If my spouse had worked half as hard as I have the last 20 years we both could have retired 5 years ago and I would be in much better health.

 

[MRG]

Poor baby. Wake up and stop whinging! Who told this moron life is fair.

How many people just in this group have a spouse who's unable to w*rk? IIRC more than a couple. Geeze my life would have been different if...........

 

[Big_Hitter]

How many people just in this group have a spouse who's unable to w*rk? IIRC more than a couple. Geeze my life would have been different if...........

Not "unable"...DW has been FIRED since 1996 - there are more important things in life than $$$$

 

[Aerides]

He kind of skims over how she's spent her adult life raising the kids and they are still in the house. Maybe his letter would have more impact if he waited till they are out? I know plenty of women work and raise the kids, but if that hasn't been the arrangement for their past 20 years, then it's not like she's going to magically starting bringing in a meaningful salary even if she starts working today.

 

[athena53]

I lived in Bergen County, NJ for many years. I think I was the only single mother in our small town because it was too expensive to live there on one income for most people. I had no child support but a good job and a large down payment from my share of the house my Ex and I had sold.

I saw plenty of marriages like this and they just seemed unbalanced. Dad took a 6:30 AM train to get to a job in NYC and got home at 7 or 8. Mom played tennis, volunteered, socialized and had professional lawn care and a cleaning lady. One had majored in Opera.

I was raised by a stay-at-home mother who cooked from scratch and made our clothes. Our granddaughter is being raised by a stay-at-home Mom who will home-school her. I do see marriages where the non-wage earning partner is carrying their fair share of the load. This isn't it.

I think he ought to make a plan to scale down to a less-demanding job and present it to her. She can either suck it up and learn to live on less, or contribute to the family income.

 

[Big_Hitter]

okay read the letter - guy needs to learn how to spell

he also needs to quit whining, man up and deal with life, IMO

 

[Blueskies123]

 

[socca]

I find the last line of this article a bit odd:

But mostly I want you to get a job because I want to feel loved.

There are plenty of things the author's wife can do to make him feel unloved even if she does get a job. Is this really the solution?

 

[MichaelB]

guy needs to learn how to spell

?

 

[growing_older]

Blech. I think they put drivel like this up just for clicks and advertising traffic. It doesn't have to make sense (it doesn't) and it doesn't have to be useful, informative or helpful. It just has to get clicks. What a waste of time that was.

 

[Big_Hitter]

?

I saw a lot of typos. Maybe he's an alien.

 

[Bestwifeever]

He should scale his job down regardless and let the chips fall where they may. His letter sounds like he can act on his unhappiness only if she gets a job, and then magically all will be well. I wonder if he showed her a copy of the article (of course it might be a totally fabricated story to get readers).

 

[MichaelB]

I saw a lot of typos. Maybe he's an alien.

It looked fine to me. Which words were misspelled?

 

[Big_Hitter]

recognize - okay one typo

 

[Bestwifeever]

British spelling

 

[MichaelB]

British spelling

+1, and very common among articles published in England.

 

[Big_Hitter]

+1, and very common among articles published in England.

those pesky brits lol

 

[bclover]

Not "unable"...DW has been FIRED since 1996 - there are more important things in life than $$$$

Oh 1000% agree but I do believe in being totally "real" and frank about money situations.
One of my dearest friends is a stay at home mom, that was the right decision for her and her hubby but she recognizes that their decision does come with financial consequences. Her hubby has a good job but with 4 children, they recognize that even with LBYM early retirement is not in their cards and they are perfectly ok with that.

When my hubby wanted to start his own business, that too came with consequences. 1) I swear the first 3 years there was literally no "hanky panky", lol he was still working his full time job and then trying to start his business so it was literally 19 hour days, every day.

I took an er buyout this year, one of the main reasons was because I hated my job, as in loathe and despised it. that has meant some adjustments.

 

[easysurfer]

I was a sounding board for a brother who was going through a divorce, but this was a role reversal. His view is he's paid his dues and after let go, was ready to call it quits. His ex on the other hand has the value of work until you drop. I think they were both in the extreme. He's more carpe diem, she's more save for a rainy day. Well...as you can guess, this ended up rubbing each other the wrong way.

 

[Meadbh]

okay read the letter - guy needs to learn how to spell

He's British. His spelling is just fine.

However, he and his wife need to communicate better.

 

[W2R]

Poor baby. Wake up and stop whinging! Who told this moron life is fair.

How many people just in this group have a spouse who's unable to w*rk? IIRC more than a couple. Geeze my life would have been different if...........

+1

It's really not very constructive to blame another person for all of one's troubles.

"My life would have been absolutely perfect bliss, except for this one evil Satanic person who RUINED everything!!" What a crybaby.

He needs to work on developing his own initiative, establishing his goals and priorities, determining how to achieve what he wants to achieve and then actually doing so. He needs to stop blaming his wife for his own inadequacies and issues. Let her be who she is and if he doesn't like that, then the marriage is over anyway so face that and move on with life.

 

[athena53]

+1

It's really not very constructive to blame another person for all of one's troubles.

"My life would have been absolutely perfect bliss, except for this one evil Satanic person who RUINED everything!!" What a crybaby.

I agree with that part. Years ago I heard that the wife of a very hard-working co-worker got drunk at a company event and told everyone around her that she'd still have a thriving career in bond trading except that her husband's job was so demanding that she had to take up the slack at home and care for their 2 children. The company, a small consulting firm, floundered a couple of years later. Husband is in a very good job at a major company. That was 15 years ago. Funny thing... she still hasn't returned to paid employment.

 

[dixonge]

It does seem like the time for this conversation would have been when their first child was about a year old, maybe sooner. 17 years later? Not so much...