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Why are people such idiots in a divorce/separation situation
Old 12-10-2011, 04:32 PM   #1
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Why are people such idiots in a divorce/separation situation

This is a short rant. A few months ago my cousin left her husband of 19 years and moved with her daughter into the upstairs apartment of my house. Her reasons are her own, more than sufficient and include mental and verbal abuse to both her and her daughter. Her ex is a well liked person in their town as he puts in a different face in public than he does at home.

It is necessary for her to conduct business in her former town about five miles away on a near daily basis. She frequently meets people she had known for years and is frequently snubbed in one way or another. As an example this morning while in the grocery she met up with someone who I will call Susan. Susan had been close enough to my cousin that Susan's young children ran up to my cousin and hugged her when they saw her. Susan on the other hand spoke not a word, gathered her kids and went down another aisle. Incidents like this have happened on many occasions with different people and although my cousin is putting on a brave front and says it is alright and it does not matter I know this hurts the heck out of her.

I can't control how people act but I am at a loss to understand why people are such a$$es. Some of the same people are the same with me because I am helping her and I REALLY don't care. Ideas thoughts and suggestions on how I can help her realise that these people are not worth anything.
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Old 12-10-2011, 04:45 PM   #2
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My guess is the ex-hubby has told the community some tall tales about why she left, none of which would paint him in a bad light.
All your cousin can do is ignore them right back. No matter what she says or does to defend herself, it is clear from "Susan's" actions that your cousin is being publicly scorned. And your cousin will never get the truth unless 1 person steps forward and fills her in on exactly what story is being spread around. Asking around will probably do her no good.
Do you have a friend who can keep their ear to the ground and fill you in?
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Old 12-10-2011, 05:25 PM   #3
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I feel sorry for your cousin but this is what happens in divorce and sometimes in widowhood . People avoid you . Maybe they think they can catch it but whatever it happens and slowly she will find new friends and life will go on.
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:11 PM   #4
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Not sure she can carry it off, just smile sweetly and go on about her life and do things she enjoys.

Hardest lesson to learn is that one's self esteem is not derived from paying attention to others' opinions or expressions of whatever.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:52 PM   #5
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Not sure she can carry it off, just smile sweetly and go on about her life and do things she enjoys.

Hardest lesson to learn is that one's self esteem is not derived from paying attention to others' opinions or expressions of whatever.
+1
It isn't just after divorce. Sometimes people slander out of jealousy or because of mental illness. It's a quick way to find out who your friends really are. If they believe the slander without asking you about it, they are not your friend.
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Old 12-11-2011, 07:42 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Moemg
... this is what happens in divorce and sometimes in widowhood . People avoid you.
Retirement as well...

I have come to a sad realization that "Friendships" are often based more on perceived social roles rather than a true soulful connection.

Understanding this, helps me to value real friends more and shed the dead weight of shallow relationships.

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Originally Posted by toofrugalformycat
It's a quick way to find out who your friends really are. If they believe the slander without asking you about it, they are not your friend.
+1
I couldn't have said it better myself...
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Old 12-11-2011, 07:52 AM   #7
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Hardest lesson to learn is that one's self esteem is not derived from paying attention to others' opinions or expressions of whatever.
A valuable life lesson that many people never grasp. No one can make you feel bad, you're the only one who can choose to feel bad...
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:07 AM   #8
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Why are people such idiots in a divorce/separation situation
FIFY...
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:27 AM   #9
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I think during divorce/separation, some folks are too busy trying to even the score that they concentrate on winning the battle instead of the war.

Some folks wish to find peace in such a difficult time, while others chose to go the petty route.
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Old 12-17-2011, 01:25 PM   #10
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I can't control how people act but I am at a loss to understand why people are such a$$es. Some of the same people are the same with me because I am helping her and I REALLY don't care. Ideas thoughts and suggestions on how I can help her realise that these people are not worth anything.
I know. It is not easy. We all live in a society and are supported by our social network. I see opinions like we choose to feel bad, or we shouldn't care about what other people think, etc, but we humans are social beings and we are build to care about what other people think. What I do is surround myself with people who are like-minded (not idiots) and supportive.

You can spin this thing around and maybe casually suggest to her that the fact she is experiencing this is actually a good thing, because now she knows who is her true friend and who is not. I've been through a similar experience, and I really realized then what kind of people I wanted to associate myself with. Life is too short to be spent hanging around with people who do not have the best interest for me.

The fact she chose to do what she did, to me, is a testiment of her strength.

My 2 cents...
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Old 12-19-2011, 03:31 AM   #11
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Maybe folks are idiots because they know a different side of the story? Tell us what all the different sides of this story are and not just the one side, then perhaps we can tell you why those folks are idiots.

And don't forget that your cousin may not have been truthful to you either.
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:27 AM   #12
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No one can make you feel bad, you're the only one who can choose to feel bad...
+1...

What you think of me is none of my business....
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:37 AM   #13
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I dunno. IME when a couple divorces, it may be tough to impossible for mutual friends to simply carry on as always with both as individuals, as if nothing had happened. It seemed like a no-brainer to me that divorce means beginnning a new life, and along with that needing to develop new friendships among those who have room in their lives for a single person as a friend.

I would not hold anything at all against any of her friends, related to their distancing after the divorce. Nobody can be expected to choose one side, the other side, or to schizophrenically try to juggle both sides after a divorce. They are still the same good people, but just trying to cope with the changed circumstances in the best ways they can IMO.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:13 AM   #14
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Just throwing this out there. When negative things like a divorce happen, people take sides. In doing so, many "talk" about the other side. I'd venture to say the woman who snubbed your cousin participated in talking about her. In order for her to be "as she always was with your cousin" perhaps she has to confront her own guilt and conscience associated with having talked about her. Human nature. It's more about the other woman than it is your cousin.
Then there are those that want to distance themselves from anything negative. Or perhaps she simply did not have time to talk that day. Or she and her husband just had dinner with the ex and a date the night before. It's a difficult dynamic.
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Old 12-19-2011, 02:55 PM   #15
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There are always two sides to every divorce and neither is ever the whole truth. Each person will tend to spin their own story to gain empathy and support from their friends and family. I my case, my ex had an affair with her co-worker and I thought we had a perfect marriage at the time (didn't even really have arguments often). Yet, she was able to spin the situation to her family that I was partially responsible. It is just the way it is in almost all cases. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
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Old 12-19-2011, 02:59 PM   #16
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There are always two sides to every divorce and neither is ever the whole truth.

I my case, my ex had an affair with her co-worker and I thought we had a perfect marriage at the time (didn't even really have arguments often). Yet, she was able to spin the situation to her family that I was partially responsible.
But we're only hearing your side of the story which you've stated isn't the whole truth, right?
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Old 12-19-2011, 03:05 PM   #17
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people are idiots in all situations ... no reason to expect otherwise re a divorce .
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