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Old 11-29-2011, 08:30 PM   #21
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Glad you were able to post your experience and your feelings. Wish your troubles are as fleeting as a deleted post on the web. Good to see a healthy survivor from a dysfunctional envirenment.
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Old 11-29-2011, 09:55 PM   #22
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Do you know how frustrating it is for the rest of us who didn't get to read your story, but only all the comments? It is like someone taking away the best mystery book you ever read right at the end. (Only you took it away at the beginning)
I can't cope with this...
Years ago this board's posters were able to indefinitely edit/delete their posts. It got bad enough that entire threads were eviscerated of their context/content. A couple posters actually deleted everything they'd ever posted before flouncing off.

Hence the current limit on poster editing/deletion, and on mod discretion for anything past the limit.

Google's cache is another matter entirely!
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:14 AM   #23
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I wonder how many readers watched in fascination as FinanceDude poored his soul out onto these pages and thought, "OMG! I would never spill the beans like that! Not in this day and age of Google's cache!". But at the same time, they did not want to warn him because they wanted to get to the final chapter.

If any producers of Jerry Springer's show are around, they have enough material for several seasons.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:22 AM   #24
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I read up to part 3. How many parts were there FinanceDude?. Sorry I might have missed any others. Darn. Still, I understand why you wanted to delete them from cyberspace.
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Old 11-30-2011, 08:04 AM   #25
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For those of us raised in extreme dysfunction, the thread was actually comforting in that it proved our family was not the only one with completely screwed up parents who were aliens from another planet incapable of having healthy relationships with their children.

I remember watching "Leave it to Beaver", "Father Knows Best", "My Three Sons", etc. and knowing the shows were fake because no one ever had a family like that. When I was about 10 years old I went to a new friend's house and the mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner, the dad was sitting at the kitchen table and they were talking about their day, their children, and just life in general. They laughed at something. They actually liked talking with each other. When the kids came in the kitchen they were acknowledged with a smile and a nod and the parents acted as though they were glad to see them. And the parents even acted as if .... and this was the eye opener.... well, they seem to like having their children around. They even included me in part of the conversation and they seemed to be interested in what I had to say. I remember being stunned that they looked me in the eye and listened to me, didn't interrupt, didn't look bored - they were really interested in me and what I had to say. It was surreal.

While this thread was cleansing to FinanceDude, it was a reminder to me there is a clear difference between family of choice and family of birth. Like FD, I cut my losses when I realized my dad was always going to be an a%#hole never going to change and I didn't have to put up with his bad behavior. It came down to the fact I would not have been friends with him had we not been family because I would not put up with such crap behavior from a friend, so why should I tolerate it because of some DNA?

Regrets? I have none. I look at my emotionally happy and healthy family and I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a lot happier.

I'm just glad I was able to time it right and get all five parts of FD's story.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:48 AM   #26
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...(snip)... It came down to the fact I would not have been friends with him had we not been family because I would not put up with such crap behavior from a friend, so why should I tolerate it because of some DNA?

Regrets? I have none. I look at my emotionally happy and healthy family and I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a lot happier.

I'm just glad I was able to time it right and get all five parts of FD's story.
You've got a great attitude. DNA, blood relationships are powerful forces and there are probably evolutionary reasons why they might work. But sometime we have to override the emotions and use our pure rational brains to form good healthy relationships for our happiness.
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Old 11-30-2011, 11:47 AM   #27
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Glad you were able to post your experience and your feelings. Wish your troubles are as fleeting as a deleted post on the web. Good to see a healthy survivor from a dysfunctional envirenment.
Ditto. It would appear from this thread I missed a great post.

heh heh heh - Keep posting.
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:11 PM   #28
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Love your analogy East Texas.
Yes, I wanted to read it. I come from one of those really screwed up dysfunctional families, and I wanted to identify. I have a sister who does not speak with me, answer my calls or e-mails. And I'll bet my story is as good as yours. (but alas, I'll never know )

But I do understand the privacy issue. Most people on this board only want to be supportive to other members. Kind of like cyber-friends, I guess. So reaching out when you are troubled or upset is natural. But I guess we can not be 100% sure of everyone. But i still feel cheated.
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:33 PM   #29
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Hmmmm, well...yes, FD I understand why you decided to delete them. ...and yes, it can be very helpful to talk about whatever causes us distress. Heaven knows I'm one of them.

Through my life I've tried to keep a journal, but seemed to continually fail. I started one again in January 2003 and have remained loyal. I think the reason I've been able to keep it going is because I jot down notes, then put the events together on a semimonthly basis.

I try to just write the facts and leave my emotions out.

Every once in a while, I'll start reading at the beginning of my journal and wonder how in the world I was able to keep going through what life has dealt me....but that's when it occurrs to me...I am not only a survivor, I'm able to flourish as well.

I think the same would hold true for you.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:24 PM   #30
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....
And I'll bet my story is as good as yours. (but alas, I'll never know )
Why not post your story and we can tell you if it was as good as FD's?
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:40 PM   #31
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Well, I guess I think of all of you as an extended family, maybe that's why I am more open here many times than in real life..........
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:56 PM   #32
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Why not post your story and we can tell you if it was as good as FD's?
OK, Let's share. You go first.
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Old 11-30-2011, 11:17 PM   #33
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If it helps, I don't even know what story you're talking about.
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Old 12-01-2011, 08:49 AM   #34
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Crap - I missed the last chapter - oh well, it was actually very interesting and I consider you quite a survivor....it's amazing how very insecure people can be quite destructive to those around them. As I get older, I jettison those people from my environment that are not good for my environment - my time gets shorter and I value it that much more.
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:05 AM   #35
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As I get older, I jettison those people from my environment that are not good for my environment - my time gets shorter and I value it that much more.
Yes, I agree, but it can be very painful to do when it is a parent, a child, or your own siblings. Either way, you pay silently or outwardly. I don't think most of us are capable of walking away completely on an emotional level.

It's always with us. Kind of reminds me of something Obama said early in his Presidency.

"Sometimes we are forced to make decisions and you don't like either of your choices, but you must make one. So you find yourself having to chose the lesser of the two evils. It's not what you want, but you must act non the less." (Sophie's Choice)

I just don't think many of us can walk away with anything but a heavy heart and a never ending yearning for something we just can't have. We can't fix it and we can't make it better, so we just try our best to live with it, and get on with our lives. Your rational mind tells you this, but your heart can be real stubborn.
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:21 AM   #36
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Yes, I agree, but it can be very painful to do when it is a parent, a child, or your own siblings. Either way, you pay silently or outwardly. I don't think most of us are capable of walking away completely on an emotional level. It's always with us. Kind of reminds me of something Obama said early in his Presidency.

"Sometimes we are forced to make decisions and you don't like either of your choices, but you must make one. So you find yourself having to chose the lesser of the two evils. It's not what you want, but you must act non the less." (Sophie's Choice)

I just don't think many of us can walk away with anything buy a heavy heart that we just try our best to live with, and get on with our lives.
I call it emotional detachment - I do have people who are family that I have 'detached' from. That doesn't mean I don't interact - it means I interact on my terms and at specific times for limited amounts of time. I consider that a form of jettison. They are not super aware or conversant on what is going on in my life and I don't seek out their company nor their advice.

As for a heavy heart - it depends on what influence I allowed them to have. Frankly, I don't get along well with my mother and did not talk to her for almost ten years - I changed and now do interact albeit in the way described in the paragraph above. Am I sad that I don't have the type of relationships I see others have with their mothers - sometimes. However, in the meantime I have found some suitable surrogates who don't do the emotional damage that she did in the past when there was interaction. My mistake was to believe that there could be a better relationship than that which there is now....actually, with the limited aspect, the relationship is probably the best it will ever be - and I, as an adult, realize that and am happy with it.

I believe that you allow yourself to be a doormat if you are one. And there are people out there who will take advantage of that because they can. I've found that if you draw a line and enforce it, those types of people usually go find someone else to victimize or harass with their issues. Families can be the worst because of the emotional attachment and expectations regarding familial obligations. One has to decide where they will draw the line. Sometimes ones life depends on the 'jettison.'

Lastly, different people are wired differently emotionally. For some people, they would be relieved to walk away, others are more sad. Knowing yourself and what 'temperature' you are is important to help you decide at what level you will interact or not.
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Old 12-01-2011, 07:11 PM   #37
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Great post Deserat. That's how I have learned to handle my life, too.
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:23 PM   #38
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Nonetheless she is still very dependent on me and wants constant attention and will go to any end to get it. She is a manic depressive, and tries her very best to bring you right down there with her. I am constantly running up there to take her to her to her numerous doctors appointments, do her shopping or the multitude of other stuff she can come up with, and of course the visits. (You are thinking "What a horrid daughter" at this point.)

However, if I had to paint a word picture of her, I would have to say she is narcissistic, conniving, deceptive, manipulative, a drama queen and I believe incapable of loving. I guess it's safe to conclude she is not a nice person by most peoples standards. Certainly not someone I'd chose to have in my life by choice. It's a difficult thing to say that you don't like your mother, no less love her. But it is what it is and all the wishing in the world won't make it different.

Believe me I have tried many tactics with her to try and change the interaction, and have had some limited success but always short lived. For as many times as I have drawn that line, she has crossed it.

I would like very much to be able to develop this "emotional detachment" you refer to, but have failed miserably so far.

Modhatter - You must be a long lost sister of mine because you have described my mother to a "T". I have 6 brothers and sisters and most of them have distanced themselves geographically. I have one brother in town with her and I live and hour and a half away. My brother will go to her house to fix things, but draws the line at that. I go and take her to all her doctor appointments (which are many. Three next week.) because he cannot deal with her for an extended period. She has driven away all her friends. Her own sisters have had nothing to do with her for years.

We tried placing her in 2 different senior living communities earlier this year and she was kicked out of both of them for her treatment of the other residents. At one she lasted 30 days and the other only two weeks before I got the call saying "Come and get her".

She's so loney and doesn't understand why. She sees no fault in herself - only others. So I completely understand everything you are saying and have great sympathy for you. You are not a horrid daughter. I, too, cannot just walk away and leave my mother. What would she do then? She would be all alone.
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:47 PM   #39
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MissMolly. I deleted my story. Felt like a cry baby, but I guess you got it before I did. That is OK. Silly as it sounds, it is comforting to know there is someone out there who understands how difficult it can be.

Your trapped by guilt, obligation and necessity, and there is no way you can walk away no matter how bad or abusive she is. Yes, the doctor appointments. The endless doctor appointments, the shopping, the errands and visits.

Though I agree 100% with Deserat advice, sometimes in situations like this, it's impossible. As with your mother, my mother is very similar and thinks we are all the crazy ones and finds herself completely faultless in all situations. She fancies herself as the Victim. Quite amazing.

I wonder how many others may be in similar shoes. Maybe I shouldn't have deleted it. I was chicken. Or maybe we could just start a Family Therapy Clinic here on line. Sure would be cheaper than a shrink.
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Old 12-01-2011, 11:03 PM   #40
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Modhatter and MissMolly....I have the same exact mother! I had to distance myself for a while and now try to limit my interactions with her as well as our conversations. She is not able to see anything past others faults, her friends' big homes, the lot that life has dealt her.....We are not at the point of driving her to her doctors visits...but I really do dread that day.
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