Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

[Webzter]

It's just hard holding in a sense of superiority for that long.

Seriously though, I test far on the introvert side, but I have no trouble being outgoing and social in groups... including becoming best friends with total strangers or entertaining a group of people. It's just not where I draw my energy from. I recharge from reading, thinking, etc. I don't get drained from the social interaction, but it doesn't fire me up.

 

[ls99]

It is the mindless chatter ad infinitum about drivel.

+ The endless discussion of baseball and what passes for football (they only kick that oblong giiizmo that euphemistically is referred to as the ball, on special occasions) or baseball plays and players. At least in Rugby and Australian rules football they keep moving. Along with the endless recitation of player's and various team's statistics.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

What we need are courses in how to indulge in mindless drivel for hours on end while pasting vacuous expressions on our faces and, at the same time, trying not to go stark raving mad!

I never could master this. That's one reason I hated meetings at work.

All groups of people drain me. I don't shop on weekends. I only workout during 9am-2pm. At parties I often sneak out to the backyard after a while and lay down on the concrete or grass to regroup. One or two close friends is fine, but above that my energy drains away.

 

[Purron]

All I can say is I'm more comfortable alone. One of the numerous factors that attracted me to ER. Even so, I need my social time. Otherwise I'd feel disconnected and lost. It's a balance.

 

[Gumby]

It is the mindless chatter ad infinitum about drivel.

+ The endless discussion of baseball and what passes for football (they only kick that oblong giiizmo that euphemistically is referred to as the ball, on special occasions) or baseball plays and players. At least in Rugby and Australian rules football they keep moving. Along with the endless recitation of player's and various team's statistics.

Perhaps one of the reasons I prefer to talk with women, rather than other men.

 

[bikeknit]

Very interesting discussion. I don't often get to talk with other introverts about what it feels like or why. I think there's a little truth in all of this. For me, I become too focused on the other person's needs or thoughts and loose my own thoughts if I don't get a break from social situations. I can train myself to do this less with coginitive techniques but it never becomes totally natural.

I have no anxiety that my husband will think I'm behaving inappropriately or that I'll say something wrong to him but still I need a break just to think my own thoughts. He's heading off on a bike trip that I can't join him on (I'm still working). I'll start to miss him in 3 or 4 days but the first couple of days alone will be great!

 

[studbucket]

My wife picked up some Psychology Today magazines at the library recently, as she enjoys reading about the stuff (psych major in college) and continuing to learn. One of the magazines she picked up was all about introverts and had a feature article that she asked me to read.

I found it interesting about why certain things are exhausting for introverts, not something I like doing (though I have introverted traits as well).

Anyway, the whole article is here, enjoy! Revenge of the Introvert | Psychology Today

Snippet:

Scientists now know that, while introverts have no special advantage in intelligence, they do seem to process more information than others in any given situation. To digest it, they do best in quiet environments, interacting one on one. Further, their brains are less dependent on external stimuli and rewards to feel good.


As a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture. In fact, the cultural emphasis on happiness may actually threaten their mental health. As American life becomes increasingly competitive and aggressive, to say nothing of blindingly fast, the pressures to produce on demand, be a team player, and make snap decisions cut introverts off from their inner power source, leaving them stressed and depleted. Introverts today face one overarching challenge—not to feel like misfits in their own culture.

 

[Fireup2020]

Small talk is vital when people are new to one another, and no one is quite sure how to get the ball rolling. After that - how can people just keep prattling on about "then he said...then I said...then Timmy came in and got a sandwich..."? How come the other people don't get bored, and leave?
Amethyst

I missed the memo that "makes" me stick around to talk to that person! "oh, I need to grab another drink/head to ladies room, check with the host, etc." - yes sometimes I'll fib like that! Move on - that is what makes the evening interesting for me (yes, an extrovert) However, after a long day/week of recruiting or a convention...I want nothing to do with "people" - and I wonder if that is the same feeling the self-proclaimed introverts have (I claim I am just tired of talking!)

To all who mentioned small talk pain, talk about rocket science, physics, mathmetics, engineering, gardening or whatever interests you - I think you will be suprised how interested and relieved others are! (I can identify with the young officers sharing geeky stories about LaPlace transforms and adventures of my old engineering club...) But you'd never guess it upon first impression!

 

[W2R]

My wife picked up some Psychology Today magazines at the library recently, as she enjoys reading about the stuff (psych major in college) and continuing to learn. One of the magazines she picked up was all about introverts and had a feature article that she asked me to read.

I found it interesting about why certain things are exhausting for introverts, not something I like doing (though I have introverted traits as well).

Anyway, the whole article is here, enjoy! Revenge of the Introvert | Psychology Today

Snippet:

Scientists now know that, while introverts have no special advantage in intelligence, they do seem to process more information than others in any given situation. To digest it, they do best in quiet environments, interacting one on one. Further, their brains are less dependent on external stimuli and rewards to feel good.


As a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture. In fact, the cultural emphasis on happiness may actually threaten their mental health. As American life becomes increasingly competitive and aggressive, to say nothing of blindingly fast, the pressures to produce on demand, be a team player, and make snap decisions cut introverts off from their inner power source, leaving them stressed and depleted. Introverts today face one overarching challenge—not to feel like misfits in their own culture.

Wow! What a great quote. That explains a LOT... food for thought.

 

[Zoocat]

This may sound odd and I'm sure it doesn't apply to everyone who describes themselves as an Introvert but I have felt for a long time that I am very sensitive to what others are thinking and feeling. I'm not talking about being psychic! I mean that I have an overdeveloped sense of awareness. If someone in a group rolls their eyes or makes even a subtle gesture, I am aware of it instantly. Being aware of all the unspoken reactions/emotions in a group is very tiring and can make one very self conscious.

I have talked about this with friends who are socially very comfortable and they do not experience this sensitivity to others reactions. I suppose this trait/ability could be considered a blessing but I experience it more often as a curse. I wish I were one of those people who go through life being rather oblivious.

Thanks for posting that article, Stud. I just read it after I posted the above.

 

[Moemg]

In social situations I am between an introvert & an extrovert . I enjoy them on a limited basis . Dinner with friends every few weeks , an occasional party, lunch with my gym pals and even hosting parties is fine occasionally . Most of my friends are extroverts and their social calendars exhaust me.

 

[freebird5825]

I am very strongly extroverted, but Mr B can make me look like a wall flower.
One of the most complimentary things Mr B ever said to me was "You can really w*rk a room", i.e. I am not intimidated by strangers or new surroundings. He is very happy not to have to "babysit" when we attend Legion functions.
I often make more social connections with perfect strangers than he does.
When I enter a completely new situation or group, I do a rapid visual surveillance of the assembled group to see who the power players are, so I can keep a safe distance from the loudest and proudest. Then I do some listening.
It is my habit to see who is the quietest in the room, or may seem a bit lost, and gently migrate in their direction. I have the ability to say "hello, what is your name, and who do you know here?" without being forceful. Next thing you know, I have an "accomplice" who is usually willing to hang out with me and make the rounds. I love to meet new people.
Mr B will glance over occasionally, see me fitting in very easily, and usually comes my way to meet my recruit(s). He tells me I am clearly a people magnet.

 

[Dreamer]

I enjoy going out to lunch with my retired friends. I like being with my family also. I don't really care to be with a lot of people that I don't know very well. I am not a great conversationalist.

I just received the invitation to my 40th high school reunion and thought that it would be fun to see some of the people and then I started worrying about how I have a hard time recognizing people sometimes and what would I say to them. Now, I am starting to second guess whether or not I should even go. I wish that I had a little of the gift of gab.

 

[Moscyn]

Don't think I am an introvert - not really an extrovert too - something in between. It's the frequency of socialising that makes me tired. I can handle social events like once in 3 months and the socialising time during the event should preferably be like not more than 2 hours (eating time not considered - I like good food and drinks). Anything more is tiring.

 

[Shawn]

What is it about pain that makes it hurt? It just does.

While it may be relatively easy to come up with examples of the introversion/extroversion phenomenon, I believe it is difficult to know exactly "why" introverts become exhausted in social situations. Evolution? Genetics? Social upbringing? They just do.

An "ahhhh" moment for me was when I understood the difference between shyness and introversion. I used to think that I was shy. But I am not. I am introverted.

I can speak in front of large audiences. No problem. I have been interviewed live on radio and television. No problem. I can speak one-on-one with people in well-defined situations when specific information is being exchanged. I like to people watch. I do not mind being around people at stores or public events as long as I do not have to interact with them. But the most agonizing thing for me is sitting around a table for lunch or dinner with a group of casual friends or co-workers. I would rather chew on aluminum foil.

The one area where my introversion does not seem to come out is in sports or physical activities. It could be that I do not pay much attention to the interaction when I am focused on the activity, although it equally could be that the physical activity itself helps counteract exhaustion due to the interaction. On club bicycling rides, for example, I do not mind stopping and regrouping at the top of a climb (people are tired, small talk may be less exhausting), but I hate rides that involve more formal lunch or longer breaks.

 

[FIREd]

Over the past week, I have had to attend 3 events with large crowds full of strangers. I am exhausted. I may need a couple of weeks in isolation to recover.

It's hard to pinpoint why socializing is so tiresome for me but I have to put a lot of effort into it: try to make small talk and keep the conversation going, try to remember people's name when I know full well I won't see them again, pretend to be interested in what others have to say even when they talk about subjects that are (IMO) either completely inappropriate or uninteresting, answer questions from strangers about my life (what do you do?, where do you live?, what kind of accent is that?), listen to people who are full of opinions no matter how ridiculous, outrageous or uninformed (my manners forbid me to tell them to shut their pie hole)... I find that a bit of alcohol helps.

 

[Moscyn]

Over the past week, I have had to attend 3 events with large crowds full of strangers. I am exhausted. I may need a couple of weeks in isolation to recover.

It's hard to pinpoint why socializing is so tiresome for me but I have to put a lot of effort into it: try to make small talk and keep the conversation going, try to remember people's name when I know full well I won't see them again, pretend to be interested in what others have to say even when they talk about subjects that are (IMO) either completely inappropriate or uninteresting, answer questions from strangers about my life (what do you do?, where do you live?, what kind of accent is that?), listen to people who are full of opinions no matter how ridiculous, outrageous or uninformed (my manners forbid me to tell them to shut their pie hole)... I find that a bit of alcohol helps.

3 events in a week - that's exhausting and reminds me of times when I was working - yuks! Well, at least they ask you "what kind of accent is that" - over here, some just laugh at my accent - and english is not their first language too!

 

[Lisa99]

This article helped so much! I'm an introvert in a work role that forces a ton of communication. I like my job but I must have downtime at the end of the day and the weekend.

I finally understand why I don't seek out friends...I just have nothing left.

Wonder if retirement will change my feelings toward socializing since I won't be drained by constant conference calls. Guess I'll know in 2016.

 

[haha]

Perhaps one of the reasons I prefer to talk with women, rather than other men.

What are some of the other reasons?

Ha

 

[Major Tom]

What are some of the other reasons?

Ha

 

[W2R]

What are some of the other reasons?

Ha

Because we are so intelligent and fascinating!

 

[chinaco]

It takes work. People want to be accepted. You are not yourself in many social situations. That creates a certain level of discomfort and stress.

Some learn how to deal with it better than others.

This is not the best article.... but it gets the point across.

Social Masks


While this is evident in many social situations...

IMO - This is often the most evident in work situations. Because working is one's financial livelihood... their work persona is often quite different than in their personal life. For many when one first begins to work (very young) the guard is not up as much... especially in certain social situations with co-workers. But as people age that seems to change. I think it is because there is a lot to lose by not conforming (career wise).

 

[Gumby]

Because we are so intelligent and fascinating!

Precisely so.

 

[donheff]

Interesting article. I tend to think of myself as extroverted because I like to join new people at the dinner table and such. But I do not like cocktail party type settings and could never work a room. And I am fine being alone. I guess I am mid way on the scale. What I didn't realize until reading this thread is how much stress I may be putting a couple of highly introverted friends under when I invite them to our weekend house with other guests. Those chatty dinners make me feel a bit guilty now

 

[RunningBum]

For me, the problem is that I will over-analyze and dwell on anything stupid I said. Some people seem to be able to say anything and forget about it. If I make myself look like a fool or offend someone, I'll replay the conversation forever, thinking about how I could've done it differently. I think that's why I do better on online forums, because I can type in a post and reread it and take things back before I commit to it. I don't always make the best choices there either, but often what comes out is a lot better than what I first type!

When I w*rked, I always found I did better if I had a bit of time to process information. I always tried to tell people not to call or IM me with a question, but to email it instead. That way they'd have to think about getting me the right information, and I wouldn't be rushed to come up with a snap answer, but instead could think it through and come up with the right answer.