Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

[TromboneAl]

We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?

 

[arebelspy]

I'm guessing for introverts there is more anxiety involved with social interactions than extroverts have. That anxiety and stress causes one to need to relax by getting away from that anxiety (thus the need for alone time).

 

[Tiger]

arebelspy hit it right on the head, it's anxiety and stress. I use to have the same problem when I was Agoraphobic.

Al, have you gone for therapy?

 

[Amethyst]

I'm such an extravert that I will make jokes in a line full of strangers, just to see other people smile. Strangers find me approachable. Unfortunately, my speech-frequency hearing loss (not correctible) means that a roomful of talking people becomes a painful mish-mash, where I cannot make out what anybody else is saying. I have to get away.

Amethyst

 

[travelover]

I married into a family with lots of adult ADD, which seems to run a wide spectrum of severity. My observation is that those afflicted are easily overwhelmed with mental stimulation and simply need quiet time to recharge.

I not saying you are ADD, just that socializing has a similar effect on introverts and those with ADD.

 

[samclem]

Al, have you gone for therapy?

?? Would we suggest therapy for an extrovert who preferred to be with a lot of people than to be alone for awhile?

Al, I don't know the reason for the fatigue. I'm an introvert, and get the same feeling. I don't think it is fear or anxiety in my case, it's just the requirement to make small talk, be interested, filter responses, remember names, etc. It's more work if there are more "new" people and if the gathering is socially-focused rather than goal focused. Regardless, even if I've had a good time and enjoyed the company (which is often the case), I'm usually happy to get home and recharge.

 

[Silver]

For me....small talk is tiring because of the amount of energy required to participate. But I enjoy listening to other people talk about their experiences, and I'm good at asking them related questions to prompt them to talk further.

My DH and I have talked about this at length. He is so much better in social situations while I'm pretty shy....and often perceived as aloof. Trying to over come my self-consciousness is exhausting.

 

[Major Tom]

This thread is stressing me out. I need some alone time. Back in a few hours

 

[Dawg52]

Because most of us would rather be sitting in a recliner, nodding off with a cool refreshment near by. Pretty easy to figure out.

 

[ziggy29]

For me....small talk is tiring because of the amount of energy required to participate. But I enjoy listening to other people talk about their experiences, and I'm good at asking them related questions to prompt them to talk further.

I have no problem *listening* in most cases, but the usual expectation is that I am to participate more actively, and I'm just not good at small talk, the type of conversation where you talk only because it's socially expected, not because you have anything really useful to say.

I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.

 

[Animorph]

I'm OK in a structured environment where I can plan a bit and have an idea what to expect. Simple unstructured get togethers/parties with a bunch of people I don't know are very tiring. Not that much different for my brain than the difference between cruising down the freeway on a long trip and driving in a car race. My brain activity is probably much higher for unstructured socialization and it gets tiring.

 

[Gerbil Wheel]

I had a major epiphany a few weeks ago...I have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Wow, what an eye-opener. I understand myself a lot better now.

I had always associated the word "Schizoid" with that old horror movie, but it's not about violence at all...more like extreme introversion by choice.

 

[W2R]

We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?

Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.

 

[Nuiloa]

I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.

BINGO! That describes me perfectly. I think the problem probably lies in the fact that I don't care what anybody thinks. With family and total strangers, it doesn't seem to matter. There are certain social expectations though, in that in-between state, and that's what exhausts me. Having to fake social engagement for several hours with people who know me casually is like being on a stage for a five-act play. Putting on a front is exhausting. If I'm in control of a group, I'm ok because I direct the flow. Walking into an existing social group is painful.

 

[Amethyst]

I realize this thread is supposed to be for self-identified introverts, yet some of the posts are ringing bells for me. This one, for instance.

Small talk is vital when people are new to one another, and no one is quite sure how to get the ball rolling. After that - how can people just keep prattling on about "then he said...then I said...then Timmy came in and got a sandwich..."? How come the other people don't get bored, and leave?

Then again, I don't "get" tweeting, either.

Amethyst

Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.

 

[Nuiloa]

Boredom comes to mind, except when it is just me and F.

Also alienation - - listening to groups of people engaging in interminable small talk just illustrates how very little we have in common with any of them.

Also dead on. Why do we INTJ's have such a hard time with chit chat? It's not like it's rocket science (which, btw, would be easier to talk about)

 

[Amethyst]

Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?

(I suppose this is an unanswerable question...asking these kinds of questions is what gets me pushed out of women's groups ...one is not supposed to ask questions that cause the others to have to think...but the ER Forum seems to tolerate them)

Amethyst

I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage. I'm also comfortable around people I don't know at all and will probably never see again, because I don't really care what they think about me so I can just be myself without much concern. It's the folks in between those two extremes I have trouble engaging socially.

 

[Nuiloa]

Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?

(I suppose this is an unanswerable question...asking these kinds of questions is what gets me pushed out of women's groups ...one is not supposed to ask questions that cause the others to have to think...but the ER Forum seems to tolerate them)

Amethyst

Can I answer that? It's because there are more "in-betweens" than people at the other extremes and, sooner or later, you're going to have to hear all about Timmy's sandwich. What we need are courses in how to indulge in mindless drivel for hours on end while pasting vacuous expressions on our faces and, at the same time, trying not to go stark raving mad!

 

[ziggy29]

Just curious, Ziggy, Why do you care about what the "in-between" people think of you? If you decide not to care, will you become more comfortable?

Mostly because I don't know them well enough to be comfortable and they could be folks that are important to not alienate, particularly when there could be career implications (whether for me or my wife, for example, and at this point in our lives it's mostly the latter). I don't know them well enough to know what to say or to talk about, and I also don't want to clam up too much because that can also reflect less that favorably on us. This ratchets up the stress level if I have no idea what to say.

My wife is preparing for a late-bloomer career in ministry, for example, and it's often said that a minister and their spouse are a "package deal." To that end if we're to find her a congregation to serve, it may not be enough that they like and accept her, but also me. (They may not want to take her if they have misgivings about me, for example.) Thus I have to find a way to "shine" and make her look good even if I have no clue how to do it. I don't know these people and I don't know what to say to them, but how I am perceived *is* important in this context. Awkward and stressful? Oh, just slightly...

 

[Major Tom]

You guys think you have it bad? Try being an introverted Brit. I have the introversion and the over-developed sense of protocol holding me back

 

[donheff]

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?" "Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

That's it in a nutshell Al. We extroverts instinctively know none of that could possibly be true

 

[Khan]

We've been talking about how us introverts get tired when socializing, and need recharge their batteries with some alone time.

But what is it that makes us tired? I've always felt that it's the added tension or thinking things like "Am I talking too much?" "Am I not talking enough?"

My EX accused me of both. He never did tell me how I was supposed to know what was appropriate.

"Am I going to say something embarrassing?"

A large part of stress came from listening to and censoring myself on the fly.

But yesterday I did a lot of socializing with some good friends, and wasn't too concerned with those things, but I still found it very tiring.

What is it about socializing that tires us out?

Personally, a large part of it seems to be not being able to 'read' facial/body language.

And also not having any interest or knowledge in what most people chat about: sports fashion jewelry pregnancy children...

 

[Keim]

Can I answer that? It's because there are more "in-betweens" than people at the other extremes and, sooner or later, you're going to have to hear all about Timmy's sandwich. What we need are courses in how to indulge in mindless drivel for hours on end while pasting vacuous expressions on our faces and, at the same time, trying not to go stark raving mad!

I had a boss that summarized the situation perfectly for me. He could see that I was horrid at small talk. He decided to show me how. We walked up to a pair of strangers and struck up a conversation. After the conversation he looked at me and said "Keim, sometimes you just have to pretend like you give a f#ck."

 

[veremchuka]

Originally Posted by ziggy29
I'm comfortable being outgoing in situations where I'm with close friends and folks I know well enough to socially engage.

This also describes me. In most social settings it's small talk and that's boring and we don't care but have to be polite. That is tiring. Now I can socialize with the people I was close with for all day and I was not worn out because I genuinely was comfortable with them and enjoyed the time spent. That said, I still enjoyed being able to get alone time when it was over to recharge the batteries. I just need alone time and with all my close friend dead I have nothing but alone time. I know this would kill the majority of people but I deal with it well even tho at times I think there is something wrong with me that I am like this. These threads have helped me see that this is normal for me and others share this need too.

 

[happy2bretired]

I'm such an extravert that I will make jokes in a line full of strangers, just to see other people smile. Strangers find me approachable. Unfortunately, my speech-frequency hearing loss (not correctible) means that a roomful of talking people becomes a painful mish-mash, where I cannot make out what anybody else is saying. I have to get away.

Amethyst

That's my problem too. It can be very stressful and I'm always glad to come home.