Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

[Ronstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gumby Most people are really not out deliberately to "get you" or to show you up (or anyone else for that matter). In fact, they are not thinking about you at all; they are thinking about themselves, as virtually all humans do.

I know - We're both right. I said some are - you said most are not.

[Gumby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ronstar I know - We're both right. I said some are - you said most are not.

Fair enough.

[Moscyn]

Given all the comments on this thread, wonder what it would be like if we put all of us in one room and we are told to socialize! I think I will be quite happy and comfortable to mingle around - of course good food and drinks must be served.

[arebelspy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moscyn Given all the comments on this thread, wonder what it would be like if we put all of us in one room and we are told to socialize! I think I will be quite happy and comfortable to mingle around - of course good food and drinks must be served.

We all here have related interests (FI, RE, etc) and could find stuff to chat about. Put in a room with strangers / random mix of the population we'd likely have more discomfort and less to talk about.

[Fireup2020]

But why do the self-proclaimed introverts feel the need to feign interest in boring conversation (drivel)?? Am I supposed to be enthralled by someone bitching about their SO or their new makeup? (NOT!!) Or to remember someone's name? (Odds not in favor!) Or to feel the need to say good night to anyone other than the host/ess? (time to go is time to go - and I decide that!) Did your parents teach you this? (shame on mine - we did not have that class - or I ignored it!) What is wrong with speaking your mind? Heavens, you could actually gain some respect for having your own opinion! (hey, we are all crazy anyway!) All the thoughts and self-inflicted rules and drama regarding socializing is fascinating!

[Major Tom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.

This sounds less like introversion than flat-out misanthropy - there is a definite difference between the two.

[SteveR]

This thread says a lot about human interactions. Some of us thrive on it...others are smothered by it. Some can adjust and keep it all in balance. Just like in real life, it is difficult for one person to see the world through another person's eyes. Introverts and extroverts process human interactions differently and neither can really understand why the other does not see these situations in the same way.

I am a confirmed INTJ and agree with the Psychology Today article; at least from my perspective. Back when I w*rked I had to interact with many officials from various government agencies including international ones so being aware of human stress signs and discomfort helped me get an edge on many of these folks and helped me head off some avenues of investigation before they went where I did not want them to go. I was good at reading people and situations. I detest socialization for the sake of socialization...I do have friends and I do enjoy being around people...just not obnoxious ones and people I have nothing in common with.

I have been married 3X. All three wives were much more extroverted than I and I believe that actually made us more compatible....I could rely on someone else to do the "social obligations" all I had to do was keep the drinks flowing, smile and appear interested in conversations that held no interest for me. Hypocritical, yes but a coping mechanism for a confirmed introvert. Are there some people I truly enjoy being around? Yes, but very few and no one locally other than "friends of my wife." I learned long ago that "her" friends may not be "your" friends...especially after a divorce or death of a spouse. Anyway, I digress...

Introverts Unite! An oxymoron for sure.

We are what we are and most of us do what we need to do to remain a viable social entity in culture that rewards good social skills.

[donheff]

A number of the introverts on this conversation express offense at being "forced" to participate with the vapid, hostile extroverts who are cruelly dissing them at everyday parties. I am midway on the scale (enjoy meeting new people but uncomfortable at cocktail party settings) yet I don't live in that same world. Most of the chatterboxes I run into are simply enjoying themselves and many are having interesting conversations. Granted there are also some outwardly shallow, vapid extroverts chattering away as well, but there are undoubtedly just as many shallow introverts. The difference is the shallow extroverts lay it all out for everyone to see while the shallow introverts sit back and listen (or to read this thread, sit back and sneer).

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveR I am a confirmed INTJ and agree with the Psychology Today article; at least from my perspective. I have been married 3X. All three wives were much more extroverted than I and I believe that actually made us more compatible....I could rely on someone else to do the "social obligations" all I had to do was keep the drinks flowing, smile and appear interested in conversations that held no interest for me.

The minister who performed our wedding ceremony was the first person to give DH and I the MBTI. He said that DH's extroversion would be an asset to me as we'd balance each other out. He also said that it was okay for DH to go to parties by himself if I didn't want to go rather than not go and be resentful, or to drag me there where I'd be resentful. Grand advice, and 17 years later, still relevant.

I still assume the typical woman's duties of keeping up with social plans, but when we get together with folks, he is the social center.

I have a fantasy every year the morning of our huge St. Pat's party where I set out all the food, ice down the beer, and then...disappear, only to return the next day to hear the stories about the party.

[REWahoo]

A gregarious introvert is someone who can maintain eye contact with your shoes while you attempt to converse with them.

[TromboneAl]

I'm not an extrovert, but I play one at parties.

Quote:

sometimes I feel I'm just a pair of ears

Lena mostly listens. Most of her friends are extreme talkers, and I think they have a network of introvert predators, with a secret chat room in which they share the names of people who will put up with their talking.

Quote:

you have to get in condition and train and work your way up to "a lot of socializing."

Yes, I think that explains why I'm becoming less tolerant of socializing the less I do.

Quote:

What is wrong with speaking your mind? Heavens, you could actually gain some respect for having your own opinion!

In theory, yes. But would you really choose response 2, below?

Extrovert: The floodwaters came up just below the shelf with my Barbie doll collection. It was only my faith in God that prevented the loss of all my wonderful Barbies.

Response 1: Wow, you must be so relieved!

Response 2: So, you ignorant slut, you're saying that there's some magical creature who remembers your faith in Him and values your collection of plastic dolls so much that He kept the level of the water in the entire Mississippi river basin below the level of your shelf?

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo A gregarious introvert is someone who can maintain eye contact with your shoes while you attempt to converse with them.

I actually recently noticed what color the soles of someone's shoes were (red, but that's another story).

[TromboneAl]

Were you out planking?

[veremchuka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird5825 It is my habit to see who is the quietest in the room, or may seem a bit lost, and gently migrate in their direction. I have the ability to say "hello, what is your name, and who do you know here?" without being forceful. Next thing you know, I have an "accomplice" who is usually willing to hang out with me and make the rounds.

You sound like the person I need to find in those social settings!

While I'd seldom approach anyone if you speak to me 1st I can open up and enjoy talking to you. However, if that person is the kind of person I don't like, and I can sense that quickly, then conversation would be strained and I'd want out.

[veremchuka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah in SC I hate being hugged or having to hug others.

Me too and I don't like to shake people's hands either, in a business setting I was ok with it but not otherwise. But the hugging nonsense that seems to permeate our society today really really annoys me. I would make an exception for a hot woman but when does that ever happen?

I liked to hug my mother and grandmother but that is it.

[donheff]

Where did all this hugging come from? I don't remember it being so prevalent a decade or two ago but recently it seems all women expect to be hugged. Guy to guy it is still hand shakes - I guess we are all afraid to seem gay despite advances in attitude

[veremchuka]

No it is men hugging men that really irks me not women but I'm not all that fond of hugging women but that's certainly the better of the 2 options. Why do I want to hug a man when I don't even care to shake hands? When did men decide to hug other men? What's up wid dat?

[Bimmerbill]

I don't go out much. When I do go out its to visit friends and I enjoy it. All the useless smalltalk is out of the way and I can relax and not worry.

Usually new social situations are draining for me. I guess that is the definition of introvert. I am not charged up by them, I am drained.

Last time I did the test is was just about 100% INTJ.

Like I said, I am working on it.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veremchuka No it is men hugging men that really irks me not women but I'm not all that fond of hugging women but that's certainly the better of the 2 options. Why do I want to hug a man when I don't even care to shake hands? When did men decide to hug other men? What's up wid dat?

Have you ever lived or worked abroad? Or been part of social groups other than uptight waspy Anglos or even more uptight nothern europeans?

Men don't start effing one another because they hug. And since you are obviously very uncomfortable, you are in no danger of getting hugged even if you might stray into a Cuban salsa club. It is an affectionate and affiliative gesture, not an agressive one.


Also, when you hug a woman, it is also supposed to represent affection and solidarity, not a backdoor way to cop feels. So no hugging only "attractive women", whatever they are supposed to be.


Ha

[Sarah in SC]

I do culturally appropriate hugging, but I was very relieved that many places abroad, such as our beloved Mongolian friends, feel the same way about hugging that I do.