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Old 05-19-2009, 07:51 PM   #221
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As an aside, people comment about 'the more information they hear...'. The issue is all the information we get is filtered through Jambo's perceptions. Now these may be 100% accurate, but it is very hard to give advice without hearing from both sides.
.
Obviously her perceptions are different than mine that's why we have the problems but turning her onto this website and this topic would turn into a never ending online argument/debate between the two of us.To get the other side What we need to hear is a woman's point of view who has just got a big inheritance and feels she doesnt need to share it with her longtime husband.
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Old 05-19-2009, 08:38 PM   #222
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For now i'll ride out the storm and hope this is all a passing mood swing due to some kind of hormonal imbalance,after 32yrs of pleasurable co existance she's earned the benefit of the doubt.
How long did you say menopause lasts?
Hello? Remember the saying about Never Assume? -- It makes an ass out of you and me.
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Old 05-19-2009, 10:17 PM   #223
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I never fully understood the couples that don't use this method;o)

Why wouldn't this happen if everything was joint?

The issue isn't which method couples use, it is that each person has a different idea of how to handle money and doesn't communicate it with the other member of the couple.
This will cause issues regardless of which method is used.
Agreed that it is not the method of managing money that matters but instead the fact that both partners are working towards a common goal. Together.

Maybe it is the simple fact that the limited sample of people with whom I have discussed finances with in real life, and the fact that they were all engineers. But they all seem to have extremely complicated cash management systems where they have multiple joint accounts and at least a few separate accounts each. In the end, there is never enough money left at the end of the month, and one spouse is constantly chipping in more than 50% to the joint account because the other spouse either doesn't make enough to pay their share, or the other spouse has other spending priorities (clothes, shoes, toys, etc come to mind). Or one spouse dramatically changes their spending or income profile - gets laid off, goes back to school, needs a new car, gets a lower paying job, has a baby, etc. These complicated joint-and-separate systems of accounts seems to hide the underlying issue that one spouse spends way more than the other spouse wants them to. Address the issue and the joint vs. separate accounts issue becomes less relevant.

In the end, to each their own. I have enough accounts as is and I definitely wouldn't want another half dozen savings or checking accounts to balance, reconcile and keep track of!
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Old 05-20-2009, 12:14 PM   #224
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I'll chime in with a positive counseling experience. The issue in my marriage with LH was his mother. Never liked me, and had a bad habit of calling all family members (the siblings) and stirring up trouble.
After 10 years, I'd had enough drama. I suggested we all (LH, his brothers and sisters, me) go to a family counselor for an outside opinion.
Counselor asked a few key questions of everyone, then turned to me and said "You married him, not the mother. Just stay away from her." She told the siblings they should do the same until mother changed her negative behavior.
You could have heard a pin drop in that room. Mouths hanging open, the whole deal.
So I followed counselor's advice, removed myself from direct contact with difficult MIL, and our marriage improved greatly.
Happy ending.
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Old 05-21-2009, 01:02 AM   #225
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Jambo, I also think it's good news that she agreed to counseling. I have no personal experience myself with it, but the fact that she is willing to go is a positive sign.

Honestly, in the middle of the thread (around post 80), I thought maybe this was her passive-aggressive way of telling you she is through with the marriage. Sometimes people are unhappy in a marriage for a long time, but they try not to show because they have no resources to leave. The inheritance has totally changed the power balance. I thought she might have been through with the marriage and was just unable to pull the plug.

I can totally understand your frustration. I have for many years supported DH who is self-employed. It's OK that I chip in more than he does, because he's doing what he loves. But I would be pissed if he gets a windfall and does not share with me. Hopefully we won't have to deal with it anytime soon, as all of our parents are only in their early 60s and in good health.

Good luck no matter what you decide.
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:50 AM   #226
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... so i asked her if she would consider marriage counseling and she agreed it would be a good idea.
This is a good sign. Take heart!

I agree that, if necessary, search out a different counselor if you don't see progress. Not all counselors are created equal.

Try not to make it all about the money. Tell her and the counselor that you want both of you to feel connected to one another and that you are willing to go to as many counselors and as long as it takes to get there.

Good on you!
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:50 AM   #227
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you are willing to go to as many counselors and as long as it takes to get there.

Good on you!
Councilors dont come cheap and if medicare or private insurance doesnt cover the cost i think our enthusiasm on a financial level is going to wane rather quickly after just 1 or 2 councilors..
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Old 05-22-2009, 11:37 AM   #228
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Councilors dont come cheap and if medicare or private insurance doesnt cover the cost i think our enthusiasm on a financial level is going to wane rather quickly after just 1 or 2 councilors..

Try the church.... the preacher who married us told us he was available for free...
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:44 PM   #229
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Truthfully this counselling business shouldn't be too complex. I think you could probably self counsel.

First do you both want to stay together? Yes, moved to question 2. No, see a divorce lawyer.

Second, both right down the 3 things that the other does that peeves you the most. Swap lists and decide if you are willing to change the behaviour. If not, see divorce lawyer. If the answer is yes detail what you will change.

Third, come up with a plan on how you will reconnect. Date nights, travel, things you can do together - ie walks. Think about what you did when you were dating and what you enjoyed during that period.
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:08 PM   #230
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Give up which? Give up $500K that was never his in the first place yet may eventually be used for his care, or give up what's left of the marriage squabbling over $500K that was never his in the first place yet may eventually be used for his care?
I'm agreeing with FinanceDude. Nords, I don't understand your thinking about the "eventually be used for his care". If she won't kick in the dough for a car, what makes you think she'll kick in money down the road for "his care'. I think she has finally achieved financial independence and that if the situation gets bad, she can manage on her own. Maybe leaving eventually was always in the back of her mind but didn't have the guts (finances) to do it, but now that money is not the problem she might just consider it. Where are all the attorneys out there? Would this inheritance not be considered community property? I'm asking as I certainly don't know.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:08 PM   #231
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One thing for sure, this thread isn't boring anyone. Especially not any married person.

ha
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:10 PM   #232
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.... Would this inheritance not be considered community property? I'm asking as I certainly don't know.
Not in Texas which IS a community property state....
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:10 PM   #233
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One thing for sure, this thread isn't boring anyone.

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Need directions to one that is?
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:25 PM   #234
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Here in Quebec inheritances are not considered community property and therefore i dont have a legal leg to stand on ,its all hers.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:32 PM   #235
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Here in Quebec inheritances are not considered community property and therefore i dont have a legal leg to stand on ,its all hers.
Jambo, maybe the counselor can help you to "stop worrying and learn to love the bomb."

But from here, it's hard to imagine a clearer set of walking papers, unless it's a meat fork in the back or a well placed GSW.

Ha
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Old 05-22-2009, 06:26 PM   #236
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Councilors dont come cheap and if medicare or private insurance doesnt cover the cost i think our enthusiasm on a financial level is going to wane rather quickly after just 1 or 2 councilors..
Jambo, do you really want to save this marriage, or not?
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Old 05-23-2009, 06:07 PM   #237
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Jambo, I'm really glad you talked with your wife about counseling and that you both are on board to give it a try. That tells me there is hope. I don't think either one of you has completely given up here.

I think counseling can be extremely helpful. It helps you both to understand the root causes underlying the issues you are arguing about. It helps you to each understand better where the other is coming from. It helps, as others have said, you both to communicate better. It really, really sounds like you both need to find ways to communicate better.

Also, though, as others mentioned, you can get a crappy counselor and may have to test out several. The cost is a concern, for sure, too. If you have a religious affiliation, sometimes they will have a fund that allows you to get discounted counseling from practitioners that have agreed to provided counseling at a reduced fee to church members. Just a thought.

Counseling may or may not work for you - but you have to hope that it will and go in with an open mind to do everything you can to save the relationship. Try to let your guard down and be a little vulnerable. Let your wife know you still love her and want to be with her forever and share your life dreams together (assuming that is true). If things don't work out, you haven't lost anything more by trying your best on your end to heal the relationship. You will know you have given it your all. (I know we all have to protect ourselves, too, from being hurt more...but I think putting up walls only creates more walls on the other side...)
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:45 PM   #238
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I don't know if this applies to you, but in the organizations I work for (publicly funded) there is an employee assistance plan which includes counselling. It's administered by an outside organization and there is no link to your file in HR. Check your benefit plans.
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Old 05-24-2009, 09:19 PM   #239
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Councilors dont come cheap and if medicare or private insurance doesnt cover the cost i think our enthusiasm on a financial level is going to wane rather quickly after just 1 or 2 councilors..

I think 32 years is worth a few grand to save, if you are both willing to try that......divorce would be WAY more expensive than that, Canada or not........
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Old 05-25-2009, 01:00 PM   #240
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I think 32 years is worth a few grand to save, if you are both willing to try that......divorce would be WAY more expensive than that, Canada or not........
Our company offers counseling services just like MeadBh says, and over the last 20 years I have had 7 of my folks get into serious marriage problems that have gone to counselling and I have been very pleasantly surprised at the outcome - 3 of them reconciled their differences and have been together for another 6+ years and counting.

Given the 30+ years of your marriage I very much second the advice from FD.

PS - don't ask your wife to pay for the cost of counseling out of her inheritance.
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