Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 05-14-2009, 10:35 AM   #21
Administrator
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 38,934
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101 View Post
Everything i've ever earned since we've been together has gone into the joint accounts no arguements no questions,when she lost her job some years ago i told her to take time off and be a stay at home mom while the kids go through their younger years i took care of all expenses gladly then put her back through school to become a teacher which she has now retired after 15yrs.Its not like i want to spend all her money its just that now the older daughter is also driving and rather than make payments on a second car it would be nice if she loosened the purse strings and bought the family a second car as now i'm not working and relying on a fixed income i dont have the finacial freedom to pay for all the bills and buy a second car.
Jambo, that is probably true for everything you earned, and also for everything she earned.

But this money was specifically left to HER by her parents. They did not leave it to the two of you, from what I understand.

The more you talk like this, the more I can see why she doesn't want you to take her money: things do NOT sound all that amicable between the two of you at all, or you would be making more effort to understand that this is her money and you would not even mention it to her, much less poor-mouthing about how you don't have the money on your own to buy your kid a car (I assume that was OK before the inheritance).

If the two of you should divorce after you spend every cent of her parents' hard-earned money, that they intended to leave to her (not you), what will she do when she is 98 years old? Would her parents have loved the idea that you went on a spending spree with their money? If so, why didn't they leave some to you? It might help to think of it in terms of respecting the wishes of the dead.
__________________

__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities.

- - H. Melville, 1851
W2R is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-14-2009, 10:37 AM   #22
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
freebird5825's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: East Nowhere, 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 9,017
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101 View Post
...its just that now the older daughter is also driving and rather than make payments on a second car it would be nice if she loosened the purse strings and bought the family a second car as now i'm not working and relying on a fixed income i dont have the finacial freedom to pay for all the bills and buy a second car.
Um...if I am reading this right..the solution may be right in front of you. Daughter needs to get her own car ?
__________________

__________________
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney
freebird5825 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 10:58 AM   #23
Moderator
Sarah in SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,456
W2R brings up a key point that always should come up when we are planning our estates--do you leave money to a child, or to both your child and their spouse? If the choice is made to leave it to only the child, then the parent has spoken volumes about what they want done with the money.
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

Sarah in SC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:08 AM   #24
Full time employment: Posting here.
citrine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 944
FinanceDude.....I believe the money is HER business because they were her parents who sacrificed during their lifetime to provide for their daughter. If she wants to "share" it or not....it is her money and her business.

This is why I firmly believe in pre-nups.....I don't expect a man to take care of me and I certainly will not take care of him. I would get joint accounts for the household expenses and shared goals....but the investments prior to marriage and the inheritances should not be mixed....like it has been said....money has a powerful way to change things and certainly influence the outcome of the marriage.

As for the OP.....if it is working right now with your daughter sharing the car....why get another one so everyone can have their own? If your daughter really wants a car, she can save up and get one.....it will teach her responsibility.
__________________
citrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:16 AM   #25
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,764
Quote:
Originally Posted by citrine View Post
FinanceDude.....I believe the money is HER business because they were her parents who sacrificed during their lifetime to provide for their daughter. If she wants to "share" it or not....it is her money and her business.

This is why I firmly believe in pre-nups.....I don't expect a man to take care of me and I certainly will not take care of him. I would get joint accounts for the household expenses and shared goals....but the investments prior to marriage and the inheritances should not be mixed....like it has been said....money has a powerful way to change things and certainly influence the outcome of the marriage.

As for the OP.....if it is working right now with your daughter sharing the car....why get another one so everyone can have their own? If your daughter really wants a car, she can save up and get one.....it will teach her responsibility.
Why get married then? It is his business they have been married for 32 years.
__________________
Notmuchlonger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:19 AM   #26
Full time employment: Posting here.
Kronk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Philly 'burbs
Posts: 547
As a married man who has always had joint accounts and no real concept of "his" vs "her" money, I'm pretty darn sure that I'd have the same feelings jambo has.

The question I have that I haven't seen jambo answer is the "why" she doesn't want to spend any of the money. It was implied that it would be left as a legacy to the kids, but I'm not sure that's been discussed.

Now, if the joint decision has been made to provide a car for DD, but she's unwilling to part with "her" money, that's one thing. If the hangup is that she doesn't want an additional car at all, that's a different thing.

Tough situation, hopefully a calm discussion can clear things up.
__________________
Kronk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:25 AM   #27
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DangerMouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 1,812
Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.
__________________

I be a girl, he's a boy. Think I maybe FIRED since July 08. Mid 40s, no kidlets. Actually am totally clueless as to what is going on with DH.
DangerMouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:32 AM   #28
Full time employment: Posting here.
Kronk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Philly 'burbs
Posts: 547
Ah. DangerMouse said it better than I did.

A 32-year history of sharing money is more than enough for jambo to have a very large say in the matter.
__________________
Kronk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:36 AM   #29
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
freebird5825's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: East Nowhere, 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 9,017
Money, sex and in-laws...sometimes more volatile than religion and politics.
This discussion is getting very interesting.
My tea leaves tell me the driver for all this, pardon the pun, is the daughter's use of a car that was formerly driven by one of the adults. Hence the shortage of wheels in the household.
Daughter can either a) be driven to/picked up so the vehicle is still usable by the adults, or b) save up and get her own. The driver's license is not a license to abscond another person's vehicle at will. The inconvenience belongs to the daughter until she takes the steps to get her own used car.
For the record, I am a firm believer is his, hers, and our money with a 50/50 cost share across the board.
LH and I used this sytem for 25 years. dh2b and I currently use it. It circumvents a lot of alligators in the moat.

The "keeping score" alligator has the longest and sharpest teeth.
__________________
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney
freebird5825 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:40 AM   #30
Recycles dryer sheets
guest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 148
My DW (married 35 years) recieved a small inheritance and while it wasn't enough to change anyones lives, I felt comfortable in letting her do as she wished. But, I found that we process things nearly the same after this many years, and most everything she did I agreed with. She is more generous than I but that has always been a benifit in out relationship....she is stronger in places than me and vice versa.

After 30+ years of marriage, you should be able to talk through things but I would recommend that if you have that talk, you do more listening than trying to get your point across. As has been noted, there is more to this than "just because" on her part.
__________________
guest is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:55 AM   #31
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Largo
Posts: 1,945
I expect I would either put the money in a joint account or I would divide the inheritance in two, half for me, half for DH. Even though it's an inheritance, I would still consider it "our money" since DH has always pulled his weight in the relationship. I would be very upset if DH received an inheritance and did what Jambo's wife is doing.

OTOH-My sister's husband has never pulled his weight so she would have every right to squirrel away an inheritance and never give him any of it!
__________________
Buckeye is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 11:57 AM   #32
Full time employment: Posting here.
citrine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 944
Quote:
Originally Posted by DangerMouse View Post
Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.
I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.
__________________
citrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:09 PM   #33
Moderator Emeritus
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 11,044
Quote:
Originally Posted by DangerMouse View Post

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.
It's very true that I am influenced by my own situation. DW is unlikely to inherit much while I may inherit a lot of money.

But, in my case, I am also very aware of the responsibility that comes with that money. The money I may inherit is a bit of family "fortune", built by several generations of hard working people. I feel like I have a duty to protect it and pass it on to the next generation. I love my wife very much and cannot imagine ever divorcing her, but I have seen too many seemingly happy marriages unravel before to take any chances. People change. Situations change. I want the family money to remain safely in my possession through it all. As I said before I will share some of the bounty with my wife (dividends/interests generated by the principal), but I will never commingle the inheritance with the rest of our finances.
__________________
FIREd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:23 PM   #34
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
FinanceDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 12,484
Quote:
Originally Posted by citrine View Post
FinanceDude.....I believe the money is HER business because they were her parents who sacrificed during their lifetime to provide for their daughter. If she wants to "share" it or not....it is her money and her business.
Your outlook on relationships is quite troubling.......
__________________
Consult with your own advisor or representative. My thoughts should not be construed as investment advice. Past performance is no guarantee of future results (love that one).......:)


This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
FinanceDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:25 PM   #35
Full time employment: Posting here.
ProspectiveBum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: SoCal
Posts: 667
More than anything, this sounds like a failure of communication. You have expectations (the purchase of a new car), which haven't been met by your DW. Her feelings on this subject are unclear. If you can calmly and rationally explain your position, and verbalize your expectations, and get her to verbalize hers, you'll probably both feel a lot better, whether or not you come to a mutual agreement.
__________________
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
- Joe Walsh
ProspectiveBum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:26 PM   #36
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
FinanceDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 12,484
Quote:
Originally Posted by citrine View Post
I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.
So, that failed relationship is your model for the future? I don't think you should judge OP so harshly. You seem to suggest that OP should shut up and take it, when he was asking for advice?
__________________
Consult with your own advisor or representative. My thoughts should not be construed as investment advice. Past performance is no guarantee of future results (love that one).......:)


This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
FinanceDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:27 PM   #37
Full time employment: Posting here.
citrine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 944
I am realistic....I have watched too many people fight over money and get bitter and resentful.
I don't think a relationship is based on money....it is based on two people who respect and love each other.
In my culture, the parents of the bride give a dowry to the family of the groom....but they also give the daughter a substantial sum of money in jewels which she can sell and live on if the husband ever leaves.....a safety net so to speak.
__________________
citrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:39 PM   #38
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,036
I can see both points of view . She wants to keep the money safe for hopefully their future and he wants her to loosen the strings to provide DD with a car . I would think the interest on the money could buy a nice car while still leaving the money intact .Yes,it is her money but good relationships take sharing especially as we age .We are all getting older and a good caring partner is a necessity . If someone is not going to help financially how much are they going to help when we need physical care ? I want to be with someone that will share financially and keep me in clean depends when the time comes .
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:44 PM   #39
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DangerMouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 1,812
I am not a hopeless romantic, and I come from a family where bad marriages seem to be the norm. However, all the fighting I have seen over money has been due to a lack of it rather than too much.

I believe if you are going into a first marriage with pretty much equal assets everything is joint. There is a strong likelihood one spouse is going to stay home with the kids, so for me the mine and yours does not work.

However, at my age, if something were to happen to my spouse and I did hook up with someone else I probably would go for the his, mine and ours approach as Freebird has done.

Also with regards to leaving an inheritance to the next generation. We do not have children, so this is a difficult one for us. I do not believe we should go without in any way so we can leave a large estate for someone else to piss away. We will likely have a family trust where the income generated will go to selected siblings and niece and nephews. After they expire we are likely going to leave the principal to charities to fund orphanages in Cambodia or Vietnam.
__________________

I be a girl, he's a boy. Think I maybe FIRED since July 08. Mid 40s, no kidlets. Actually am totally clueless as to what is going on with DH.
DangerMouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 12:53 PM   #40
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,666
I believe an inheritance, especially from a parent is a very personal thing.
It is the final act a parent can make to provide security and aid to a child.
As such, it can be a very emotionally powerful thing.
Financedude, I don't think it is disturbing at all to view this as an individual's gift. It varies from person to person and couple to couple.
To the OP, communication is the key! Calm discussion and lots of listening is very important and should help. Counseling may help you guys with that discussion, but I can't say as I don't know either of you.
Personally, I think it was generous of your wife to wipe out 20k in debt and buy a new car for the family. I also think it was generous of you to work to support your family over the last 32 years as it also was for your wife during her working years AND as a stay at home mom (which I am sure is not easy).

The one comment of yours that really disturbed me was where you said you felt 'irked' by the idea of the kids getting the balance of the inheritence when they didn't do anything to earn that money.
Frankly, as said before, neither did you. It was your wife's parents that passed away. It was their life's earnings, not yours. And it was their gift to their daughter, not you.
But we are all (here on the forum) working off incomplete information about the situation. I suspect a councelor would help you two come to a better understanding.
__________________

__________________
"We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.
(Ancient Indian Proverb)"
Zathras is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Be Careful Around Your Wife......... FinanceDude Other topics 19 01-06-2009 11:22 PM
How do you get your wife on board? kombat FIRE and Money 104 11-04-2008 05:08 PM
My wife Epiphone Health and Early Retirement 15 03-02-2007 02:48 PM
Husband, Wife, BF, GF, SO or What? haha Other topics 22 12-13-2006 07:52 AM
Wife is 59 boont Life after FIRE 4 08-02-2006 01:59 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:41 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.