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Old 05-15-2009, 10:23 AM   #81
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:54 AM   #82
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Wow, this thread sure struck a nerve with a lot of folks! The advice relative to personal perspectives has been very interesting. We really do have a diverse group here, don't we?

To me, the issue would be to look at the financial arrangements in the marriage before the windfall inheritance slithered in under the door. If you always had separate finances, then her inheritance would be, well, separate. If you always had joint finances, I would expect she would throw it into the communal pot, and life goes on. Let DD pay for her own car, you can both help her out with the down payment, insurance, etc. But, that's just me.

Expecting you to take the bus while she fritters around in her new car indicates that something fundamental in your relationship has changed. Enpowerment by newfound financial freedom? Jealousy? A sudden sense of control after 32 years? A loss of control after 32 years? A lot of possibiliites. Money does change everything, but the underlying issues were most likely there all along, albeit below the surface. This inheritance may well be the catalyst that both of you need to address some repressed issues and move forward- either together or apart.

All the Best to both of you. Some great perspectives in the previous posts.
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Old 05-15-2009, 11:29 AM   #83
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Thats it in a nutshell..Never gave much thought to any financial balance i just thought we were contributing to the best of our abilities for the betterment of the whole union. Very disappointing to be with your spouse for so long thinking that we are going through life as a team only to discover that all along it wasnt a mutual concept. The issue is over between us and i will accept her position on the matter but new seeds have been sewn into the relationship and i hope they arent the seeds of destruction.
Perhaps, in your spouse's opinion, this is the first time that she's had a majority vote on how her contributions would be put to use. And it's not as if she's blowing it all on spa weekends & Vegas trips.

C'mon, you're a marriage veteran, you know that the issue isn't "over between us".

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Another aspect of this issue, with no obvious answer, is what to do if you are the bequeathing generation rather than the receiving one. I've read a number of books that suggest if you divide non-equally among siblings (unless there is a good reason that all understand and agree with), you are setting up a potential family rift after you are gone. There is a similar aspect to the sibling/their spouse bequest. In recent yrs, I see a lot more ads about seminars that suggest the bequest to the child go in the form of a trust....for various reasons including creditor protection, estate tax savings, and preventing in-laws from getting half in the event of a divorce. I can see that it makes it easier for the child to keep the assets separate ("The trust requires it") but I don't see that it lessens the issues discussed in this thread...
(does it create more pressures and fuel what you are trying to avoid?).
I think the best estate-planning solution is a donation to charity.

Even with only one kid, there's a significant parental concern that an expectation of an eventual inheritance might stunt their transition to adulthood and could later encourage short-term financial behavior. Thank goodness spouse and I didn't pay attention to her parent's claims that they'd pay for their grandkid's college tuition.

We've been telling our kid that we're celebrating our lives by spending her inheritance... and that she should be grateful she won't be supporting us when she's in her 60s!

BTW I second W2R's "vote" on the BoH... and First Hawaiian Bank...
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Old 05-15-2009, 11:36 AM   #84
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I ran the subject of this thread by my spouse, too. I told her that I thought I knew her position, but wanted to check. She felt that if income had always previously gone into a joint account, this inheritance should have, too (which is how I feel, and how I thought she'd feel). She also said that she'd have been deeply hurt if she were in Jambo's situation, and if it were her inheritance, she never would have thought twice about the money being "ours" rather than "hers".

As others have said, it's not the fact that money is being kept separate that's the issue. Plenty of couples keep their finances separate, and prefer that arrangement. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and if it were the situation here, there wouldn't be much to complain about. In this case, it's that the rules changed after 32 years without any discussion that is the problem.

I hope you and your DW are able to work this out, Jambo.
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Old 05-15-2009, 11:46 AM   #85
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BTW I second W2R's "vote" on the BoH... and First Hawaiian Bank...
Yes, First Hawaiian too - - having had recent experience with both. B of H was worse for us, essentially being blatantly criminal in their actions but with major CYA, but First Hawaiian was no picnic either. The family lost hundreds of thousands of dollars due to what we believe to be B of H's mishandling of their fiduciary responsibilities.
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Old 05-15-2009, 11:52 AM   #86
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Just wondering who did the $20k of debt belong to that she so generously paid for ... was it his, hers or joint?

For those who think the wife is ok to keep it all to herself, what if Mr Jambo buys a lottery ticket and wins the mega millions jackpot of $50 million - should he consider that his money?

Not sure about the law where he lives.... but if I bought a ticket today (or if she did), in Texas it is joint... so we both own half...

But the state specifically says inheritance is separate property... no matter how long you have been married...
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Old 05-15-2009, 12:00 PM   #87
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...But the state specifically says inheritance is separate property... no matter how long you have been married...
allow me to finish this sentence ...quoting NY laws (yes I checked)...and I'll bet this is identical to other states except community property states...

UNLESS the inheritance money is placed in a JOINT account. Then it falls under joint tenancy rules.
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Old 05-15-2009, 12:16 PM   #88
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To me, the issue would be to look at the financial arrangements in the marriage before the windfall inheritance slithered in under the door. If you always had separate finances, then her inheritance would be, well, separate. If you always had joint finances, I would expect she would throw it into the communal pot, and life goes on.
Expecting you to take the bus while she fritters around in her new car indicates
that something fundamental in your relationship has changed.Enpowerment by newfound financial freedom? Jealousy? A sudden sense of control after 32 years? A loss of control after 32 years? A lot of possibiliites. Money does change everything, but the underlying issues were most likely there all along, albeit below the surface. This inheritance may well be the catalyst that both of you need to address some repressed issues and move forward- either together or apart.

All the Best to both of you. Some great perspectives in the previous posts.
From day 1 all banking was in joint accounts as i believed that a marriage is a shared trust in each other and couldnt understand why people who got married had separate bank accounts(i do now),our paychecks always went into the same account and i held nothing back even though my contribution was always 30% more.This whole issue is only about a $15-$20k out of $500k,If i was still working it wouldnt be an issue as i'd just replace the old car with a new/newer one but for now i'm 61yrs old on a reduced pension income and my $401k's were to be used after i'm 70 and i hope my parents live forever, so i'm in one of the financial valleys of life.
I agree with Westernskies that something fundamental in the relationship has changed. and i believe that change is an Enpowerment by newfound financial freedom thats translating into A sudden sense of control after 32 years .
I just mailed in the form to cash out a $25k investment,and as usual i pay for everything."My money is our money her money is her money"how true.
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Old 05-15-2009, 01:43 PM   #89
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*** This whole issue is only about a $15-$20k out of $500k *** I agree with Westernskies that something fundamental in the relationship has changed. and i believe that change is an Enpowerment by newfound financial freedom thats translating into A sudden sense of control after 32 years .
I just mailed in the form to cash out a $25k investment,and as usual i pay for everything."My money is our money her money is her money"how true.
I'm not quite sure I fully understand the true measure of your angst. Is it the fact that you believe she ought to tap her inheritance for this expense item? Or is it that she disagrees with spending any money for this item? Or the fact that she hasn't co-mingled the inheritance in one joint account with you?

$500K or any large sum of money given to one partner in a marriage can cause some issues, first of which is how you gonna spend or use it. Sorry but there seems to be a very basic failure to communicate here. Even when I hit the slots for $1300 a few months ago, the first thing we say to each other is "what we gonna do with this money." We say the same for every other major piece of change that comes into our joint pockets, whether it be some major tax refund, personal injury award, bonuses. If one of us hit the lottery it would be the same case.

Inheritances are different -- I believe it really is the recipient's to do as he or she sees fit. Would you feel the same way, if instead of $500K in liquid funds, it was $500K in an illiquid asset and she refuses to break up the asset to pay for the car you think should be financed? There's some history to the inheritance that simply does not include you. I'm willing to give my spouse all the time in the world to make decisions about the use of any inheritance she might have (and she's doing the same for me) and I know she'll eventually make the right decision about inherited property. What difference does it make if she keeps it all to herself and decides not to use it for ongoing expenses, if the inheritance will later be used for the common good? Perhaps, she wants to preserve some money for her side of the family? If it is really true that "her money is her money" for the long-run and beyond the grave, which is probably not the case unless 32 years of history has simply evaporated with the injection of cash, then I think you have more to worry about than money. You might be reading too much into things given the emotions that appear to be troubling you.
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Old 05-15-2009, 02:12 PM   #90
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I'm sorry, Jambo, about your sticky situation. I understand your feelings completely. It's not about the new car per se, but how your wife's behavior/sentiments make you feel like there is a move away from a complete partnership. I would recommend counseling, both for your benefit and your wife's. You cannot go on resenting this, letting it fester. It won't go away on its own.
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Old 05-15-2009, 02:26 PM   #91
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We concluded that "ours" come first, and "his" and "hers" is secondary to that.
Amen. That is how it is with us and its a good thing. Guess we are lucky. Sounds like you and dh2b are gonna be OK. Congratulations and a long,happy life together.
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Old 05-15-2009, 02:51 PM   #92
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From day 1 all banking was in joint accounts as i believed that a marriage is a shared trust in each other and couldnt understand why people who got married had separate bank accounts(i do now),our paychecks always went into the same account and i held nothing back even though my contribution was always 30% more.This whole issue is only about a $15-$20k out of $500k,If i was still working it wouldnt be an issue as i'd just replace the old car with a new/newer one but for now i'm 61yrs old on a reduced pension income and my $401k's were to be used after i'm 70 and i hope my parents live forever, so i'm in one of the financial valleys of life.
I agree with Westernskies that something fundamental in the relationship has changed. and i believe that change is an Enpowerment by newfound financial freedom thats translating into A sudden sense of control after 32 years .
I just mailed in the form to cash out a $25k investment,and as usual i pay for everything."My money is our money her money is her money"how true.
So she is not even proposing to help you pay for the car, a car that will be benefit the whole family? At first I thought you were saying that she should pay for the car entirely out of her inheritance and that's what she was objecting to. I could understand that and I did not think it was fair. But, now it sounds like you have to pay for the car entirely by yourself. That's not right either. Now that she has the means to do it, she should help pay for the new car IMO. It kinda sound like she is taking advantage of you.
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Old 05-15-2009, 03:03 PM   #93
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Amen. That is how it is with us and its a good thing. Guess we are lucky. Sounds like you and dh2b are gonna be OK. Congratulations and a long,happy life together.
TY
I can relate to Jambo's situation a little bit further even though we're not married. There has been and continues to be an imbalance in dh2b's and my fiancial situation for several reasons. Most of the drains on "his" money are court-ordered for him in relation to his divorce. That imbalance will continue until the kid is 21.
I'm on a fixed income, so "her" money is also limited.
So we find ourselves juggling the "our" money when we need to pay for something with a big ticket. If I have extra "her" money that month, I throw it in. If he gets a nice tax refund or hasn't bought technotoys, he throws in some extra "his" money. We don't keep exact score.
We strive to keep everything 50-50 and still allow ourselves some separate fun money.
He elected to have me serve as the "our" budget cop and just sez to tell him if we need more. So far so good.

I guess my point here is I agree with Jambo's reaction on many levels.
I am a 50-50 share, 100% team person all the way with full flexibility if one partner has a limited income or special circumstances.
If 1 partner finds themselves in a better situation for whatever reason, that partner should not only share ALL costs
50-50, but IN ADDITION the more $ solid partner should chip in MORE to make the common situation easier for both.
I've done it, so has dh2b as the need arose.
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Old 05-15-2009, 03:10 PM   #94
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I feel for you. I would feel used myself if I were in your situation (everything has been jointly done and you making more money, etc, etc). I think it's important you talk to her.......until she understands how she makes you feel. At least that's what I would do. I think I would actually be very angry if she expected me to take the bus while buying herself a brand new car, because if I were the recipient of this inheretance, I would be stingy spending the money too, but the money I spend would be on something that is mutually benefitial to both of us.
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Old 05-15-2009, 04:43 PM   #95
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Geez, I'm so glad I'm single!
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Old 05-15-2009, 06:05 PM   #96
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Geez, I'm so glad I'm single!
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Old 05-15-2009, 06:41 PM   #97
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What Meadbh said.
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Old 05-15-2009, 08:07 PM   #98
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Geez, I'm so glad I'm single!
Me too!! Seems that is something that several of us can agree on!
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Old 05-15-2009, 08:27 PM   #99
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Me too!! Seems that is something that several of us can agree on!
Include me.
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Old 05-15-2009, 08:54 PM   #100
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We had a bit of a similar situation. DM died and left me < 100K. DW and I (together) decided that the mortgage would go. Joint decision, and in my opinion a good one. A few years later, FIL died and left DW a lot more than DM left me (Still, not enought for either of us to consider FIRE).

We kept this money totally sepatate because of Canadian tax laws. I also didn't whine when she decided an all-family vacation would come of it.

Car for a kid? Both of us would say "earn your own".

Smart on DW's part. Recently my options in company stock have settled in at about 150% of when I left work. Life (so far) has been good. Right now, we are debating giving the kids a bit of their (theoretical) inheritance 30 years early.

I keep thinking it's wrong but can't really show DW why. Can you help?

There are (at least here in Canuckistan) reasons to keep finances separate. Having said that, you can share expenses without co-mingling funds.

I guess it boils down to the fact that you and your DW must learn to agree how your money is spent.

Good Luck.
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