Wife gets inheiritance

[Calgary_Girl]

Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.

I agree 100%. DH and I share everything equally - no separate accounts in this household .

 

[haha]

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.

People's desires are not always in agreement, even in close relationships like marriage. And even if spouses were in accord before, changed circumstances, attitudes, outside relationships, "growth" etc. can alter what seems attractive or even tolerable to one or both parties.

There may be all sorts of valid reasons for keeping inherited assets separate; from my POV any reasons asserted by the beneficiary are valid. However, to keep peace requires a bit of judgment and emotional intelligence, particularly on the part of the one who got the money.

To stonewall even modest requests such as the car is a a big 2x4 up the side of the head. The clue bus has arrived. Decisions from here are mainly tactical. Challenges arrive when they arrive, not necessarily when we want them or are ready for them.

The poster who pointed out that the power relationships have changed is right. But most of us realize that power must be handled with skill. When it isn't that too tells you something about changed motivation.

Who has not known a young doctor who ditched the wife who shared his not very attractive life for 10 or a dozen years until he finally finished his medical training? Who hasn't known a woman who went back to school after her kids were up and suddenly found out that she could support herself quite well, especially with some child support; and that attractive men that were expert in new areas that she was vitally interested in were also very interested in her as a woman?

There is no law that can enforce love, or sharing, or anything other than an absence of criminal acts between spouses.

As a first person participant in one bust-up and a fairly close observer of many others I'd say it is hard to put limits on feelings. Often we fail to update as we go along, because while the information is there, it is unwelcome so we tend to pass it by as we hurry to pick up the dry-cleaning or the kids or to put in another day at work.

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

Ha, I'm giving you a 20 (on a scale of 10) for that post. Double points!

I am very impressed.

 

[Khan]

Ha, I'm giving you a 20 (on a scale of 10) for that post. Double points!

I am very impressed.

The reality is that relationships have to be renegotiated on occasion. And renegotiations are not always successful.

 

[Lazarus]

Okay, folks, we have an opening bid.

How much is YOUR marriage worth?

(my attempt at wry humor - sorry).

When money is the problem, it's rare that money is the problem.

I've venture that she does not feel connected to you (and, of course, visa versa) at a heart and soul level.

You have called the marriage amicable. That's a long ways from connected. And certainly you may have been using a shorthand description and in fact have a much deeper relationship. But this situation has thrown you and you are not able to talk about these feelings with one another to a point that both feel understood.

What would "she" say about the marriage if we could ask her? What would her exact words be? If we asked her about her connection to you, what would she say?

Well apparently marrage is not worth 500K to jambo101's wife or she wouldn't be hoarding it.

 

[NW-Bound]

This is an interesting thread, and the issue may apply to many people though not to myself.

We are not going to get anything from my wife's side, as her folks are broke. From my side, the inheritance would not be much compared to our current networth. We will not be faced with this issue, but reading this thread, I asked myself and my wife how we would handle it.

Being married for 29 years, we always keep a joint account and never hide money from each other. Throughout our career, I have always made much more than my wife, even counting my lean years when I toiled for eventually worthless equities with start-ups. When we spend money, it is always with the knowledge if not consent from the other.

So, the idea of hoarding an inheritance would not come to mind with us at all, though we will be spared this sticky problem.

 

[Moemg]

The only thing I may be inheriting from my Mom ( and not sure since I have two sisters )is one of those chairs that push you to a standing position and if my SO wants it he can have it .

 

[WhoDaresWins]

Oh, a lift chair. Better take it if it comes your way. Medicare won't pay for one. They will only pay for the motor part of the chair with a doctor's script.

 

[Texas Proud]

I have thought about this for awhile... and the thing that gets me is the feeling that she thinks he should ride the bus... Now, if I had been working all my life and struggling to put food on the table, a couple of cars in the drive and a nice roof over the family's head... and my reward at the end when the spouse got $500K was... I get a new car and you get nothing... well, I think I would be in Jambo's camp... even though I was not before...

Again, it is the current situation that to me is the problem... if you had a lot of money and it was not a problem to buy a car (ie, not a struggle like you are talking about), then I would go back to my first thought, it was her money and I would not care...

To say it again, if the family is fine without the money, no big deal... if the family is not fine (struggling), then it is a big deal....

 

[Rambler]

Jambo, since you are reducing your pot by $25k for a necessity (car), perhaps you should reduce your throw into the family kitty by $1000/yr or $83.33/month. I suppose you could tell DW that she'll have to make up the $83.33/month by larger donations or by budget reductions...

R

 

[Rambler]

...Boy am I glad that:

-DW will have no inheritance
-any inheritance I get will be less than 3-4% of our net worth, if anything
-DW has no interest in money other than to have enough for a few not too expensive hobbies and food on the table...in that order
-we love each other more than we love money.

For the poster who asked how much our marraige is worth?? ...PRICELESS!!!

R

 

[deserat]

Wow - great thread. I agree with the poster who said the issue isn't necessarily the money, it's the power/control and the sudden rules change - and the acting on the changed rules. Add the daughter's desires in the stew and you have a really spicy one.

Yup - money isn't about money, it's about control...over time, over resources...etc. Something somewhere sometime planted a seed for this particular incident to highlight the changes quite graphically.

Jambo - I suspect the relationship has changed quite a bit and either a renegotiation regarding the power balance and/or relationship existence will need to occur. I'm sorry to hear it. I feel for you as it reads as if you've worked hard to provide a good life for all of you.

One other idea came to my mind - you said you are in your 60's or so. Many rules have changed regarding marriages since you began yours. I know that my parents' marriage was a victim to some of the sociological changes that occurred.

In any case, I wish you well in whatever path you choose.

 

[chinaco]

DW and I have both inherited money over the years. DW has inherited much more than I. We have not spent any of it yet and it is held in joint accounts. For full disclosure... I earned much more money than she did (when she worked). She is ER'd, I still work.

It would be interesting to hear your DW perspective. I am a little surprised... since it appears you are sensible with money.

The motive is anyone's guess... but it sure sounds selfish. Assuming your marriage is on a solid footing (otherwise), it is probably a control issue.

I would have difficulty with that situation. Work all your life, share and share alike.

Perhaps it represents some sort of safety net to your DW.

I can remember my mother inherited a small amount of money from her mother (maybe $20k). I remember her making it a point to keep it in a separate account. For some reason, she felt it was a safety net for her. She grew up during the great depression and always worried about being flat broke (although there was little chance of that). My father always worked and provided (she was a housewife). All of my parents other money and the property was set up with joint ownership. Plus, my father adored my mother, so there are never even the slightest chance he would leave her.

The only thing I can figure out was that my mother always had a fear that things would get bad someday (probably a result of growing up during the great depression and being poor in childhood).

Bottom line - my siblings and I inherited that money, she never spent a cent!

 

[jambo101]

Jambo - I suspect the relationship has changed quite a bit and either a renegotiation regarding the power balance and/or relationship existence will need to occur. I'm sorry to hear it. I feel for you as it reads as if you've worked hard to provide a good life for all of you.

.

It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side

 

[chris2008]

Go find a marriage counselor QUICKLY!

 

[Buckeye]

Hopefully, DW will participate in couples counseling. If she won't go with you, go by yourself. You need the help of a third party. This is your life. Save it.

 

[chinaco]

Jambo,

Maybe it would be best to let it go for awhile. You should probably be careful about making DW out as the "bad spouse" over the issue.

IMO - if you are using your daughter's need for a car as a proxy to have the overall debate... it is a bad idea!

I can understand why you are irritated, I would be too. If I were in your situation, I would be wondering about her motive.

If you love your DW and are committed to her, try to work it out. You have 30+ years invested in the relationship.


One possible motive... After the recent financial crisis with paper investments cut in half... she may not trust your investment prowess or the market. She may think putting the money in a bank (which is what you said in the OP) is a prudent and safe move. She may be concerned that putting it in a shared account would result in a next step of putting it in the market!

 

[Dawg52]

Jambo, Will you be receiving a nice inheritance one day? If so, just plan on hoarding that for yourself and try and forget about this. Sorry if this has already been discussed. Did not read the whole thread.

 

[Texas Proud]

It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side

Kind of brings some new info into the situation... it was not the money that changed her, she had changed a while back... and not for the better...

She probably does not have anything going on the side if she is bitching all the time... but who knows for sure...

I would NOT stay in your situation... I would either get marriage counseling and / or get a divorce.. I am recently married and we have had a few arguments... and I have told her I would rather be single and happy than married and fighting....

Soooo, at least do the first as it does not sound like you are in a good place right now... just two people living together, not a marriage....

 

[REWahoo]

...i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,...

Has she seen a doctor? What you are describing sounds very much like it could be a medical problem - that might be the place to start before seeking counseling.

 

[steve88]

Imagine DH winning $500,000 and stashing it away in a private account and not letting you have any say in how the money will be spent or not spent,Oh and if you want a newer car? take the bus. kinda has me thinking about my relevancy in the relationship.

Reminds me of this guy who has 20 collectible cars in a nice garage. The guy never drives the car but starts the car once a month and changes the oil every month. You have to wear protective suit to see the car. You could literally eat off the car thats how clean the car and the engine bay. The wife has to take public transportation and he drives a ford escort.

 

[Martha]

It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side

Have you told her your dreams? Have you asked her why she is so unhappy?

 

[calmloki]

It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side

Picked up my gal at the airport and gave her the scenario last night - menopause was the first thing she mentioned. Gotta hunker down and ride out that storm - it's no fun for the one producing the hormones either - so i hear.

 

[jambo101]

We've been sharing our retirement dreams for the past 25yrs,cottage by a lake,big Winnebago to cruise North America and several others,not sure how she thought we were going to pay for it,maybe she thought i would get my inheritance first.
For now i'll ride out the storm and hope this is all a passing mood swing due to some kind of hormonal imbalance,after 32yrs of pleasurable co existance she's earned the benefit of the doubt.
How long did you say menopause lasts?

 

[calmloki]

...
How long did you say menopause lasts?

Like saunas? It can be handy on cold winter nights; summer, not so much. The emotional part seems to ease up after one eternity or so. That's just a guess at the time frame...