Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 05-16-2009, 10:46 AM   #121
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,382
Quote:
Originally Posted by spncity View Post
Okay, folks, we have an opening bid.

How much is YOUR marriage worth?

(my attempt at wry humor - sorry).

When money is the problem, it's rare that money is the problem.

I've venture that she does not feel connected to you (and, of course, visa versa) at a heart and soul level.

You have called the marriage amicable. That's a long ways from connected. And certainly you may have been using a shorthand description and in fact have a much deeper relationship. But this situation has thrown you and you are not able to talk about these feelings with one another to a point that both feel understood.

What would "she" say about the marriage if we could ask her? What would her exact words be? If we asked her about her connection to you, what would she say?
Thank you Dr. Laura!
__________________

__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-16-2009, 11:08 AM   #122
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Gotadimple's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,760
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
But... but... but... who's going to nag after you guys to keep you from feeling bored and unfulfilled?!?
Hey, I can do bored and unfulfilled all by myself!

Occasionally, I'm quite good at it.



-- Rita
__________________

__________________
Only got A dimple, would have preferred 2!
Gotadimple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 12:54 PM   #123
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
freebird5825's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: East Nowhere, 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 9,017
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
But... but... but... who's going to nag after you guys to keep you from feeling bored and unfulfilled?!?
<Hand shoots straight up in the air>
I'm in the halfway house right now. I'll keep this crew in line.

Or would that be a case of "the conductor leading the orchestra" ?

Update: It just occurred to me that I forgot to chime in as single, too.
We are both legally single, but mentally married. dh2b and I constantly refer to each other as husband and wife.
All that is missing is the license.
__________________
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney
freebird5825 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 12:56 PM   #124
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 105
I'll be rejoining all you single folks in less than 90 days now. The asset division was so amicable that we didn't even bother to hire a lawyer. I'm wondering if the feeling of freedom I'll experience will be as strong as the feeling I experienced when I FIRED.
__________________
noworkethic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 12:59 PM   #125
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 854
Quote:
Thank you Dr. Laura!
No prob.

__________________
spncity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 01:06 PM   #126
Full time employment: Posting here.
Calgary_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Calgary
Posts: 775
Quote:
Originally Posted by DangerMouse View Post
Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.
I agree 100%. DH and I share everything equally - no separate accounts in this household :-).
__________________
I can only be nice to one person today! Today is not your day...tomorrow doesn't look good either.
Calgary_Girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 02:59 PM   #127
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,382
Quote:
Originally Posted by DangerMouse View Post
I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.
People's desires are not always in agreement, even in close relationships like marriage. And even if spouses were in accord before, changed circumstances, attitudes, outside relationships, "growth" etc. can alter what seems attractive or even tolerable to one or both parties.

There may be all sorts of valid reasons for keeping inherited assets separate; from my POV any reasons asserted by the beneficiary are valid. However, to keep peace requires a bit of judgment and emotional intelligence, particularly on the part of the one who got the money.

To stonewall even modest requests such as the car is a a big 2x4 up the side of the head. The clue bus has arrived. Decisions from here are mainly tactical. Challenges arrive when they arrive, not necessarily when we want them or are ready for them.

The poster who pointed out that the power relationships have changed is right. But most of us realize that power must be handled with skill. When it isn't that too tells you something about changed motivation.

Who has not known a young doctor who ditched the wife who shared his not very attractive life for 10 or a dozen years until he finally finished his medical training? Who hasn't known a woman who went back to school after her kids were up and suddenly found out that she could support herself quite well, especially with some child support; and that attractive men that were expert in new areas that she was vitally interested in were also very interested in her as a woman?

There is no law that can enforce love, or sharing, or anything other than an absence of criminal acts between spouses.

As a first person participant in one bust-up and a fairly close observer of many others I'd say it is hard to put limits on feelings. Often we fail to update as we go along, because while the information is there, it is unwelcome so we tend to pass it by as we hurry to pick up the dry-cleaning or the kids or to put in another day at work.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 03:14 PM   #128
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
freebird5825's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: East Nowhere, 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 9,017
Ha, I'm giving you a 20 (on a scale of 10) for that post. Double points!

I am very impressed.
__________________
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney
freebird5825 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 05:02 PM   #129
Moderator Emeritus
Khan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pine Island, Florida
Posts: 6,868
Send a message via AIM to Khan
Quote:
Originally Posted by freebird5825 View Post
Ha, I'm giving you a 20 (on a scale of 10) for that post. Double points!

I am very impressed.
The reality is that relationships have to be renegotiated on occasion. And renegotiations are not always successful.
__________________
"Knowin' no one nowhere's gonna miss us when we're gone..."
Khan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 07:14 PM   #130
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,038
Quote:
Originally Posted by spncity View Post
Okay, folks, we have an opening bid.

How much is YOUR marriage worth?

(my attempt at wry humor - sorry).

When money is the problem, it's rare that money is the problem.

I've venture that she does not feel connected to you (and, of course, visa versa) at a heart and soul level.

You have called the marriage amicable. That's a long ways from connected. And certainly you may have been using a shorthand description and in fact have a much deeper relationship. But this situation has thrown you and you are not able to talk about these feelings with one another to a point that both feel understood.

What would "she" say about the marriage if we could ask her? What would her exact words be? If we asked her about her connection to you, what would she say?
Well apparently marrage is not worth 500K to jambo101's wife or she wouldn't be hoarding it.
__________________
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
Lazarus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 07:41 PM   #131
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,398
This is an interesting thread, and the issue may apply to many people though not to myself.

We are not going to get anything from my wife's side, as her folks are broke. From my side, the inheritance would not be much compared to our current networth. We will not be faced with this issue, but reading this thread, I asked myself and my wife how we would handle it.

Being married for 29 years, we always keep a joint account and never hide money from each other. Throughout our career, I have always made much more than my wife, even counting my lean years when I toiled for eventually worthless equities with start-ups. When we spend money, it is always with the knowledge if not consent from the other.

So, the idea of hoarding an inheritance would not come to mind with us at all, though we will be spared this sticky problem.
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 07:54 PM   #132
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,031
The only thing I may be inheriting from my Mom ( and not sure since I have two sisters )is one of those chairs that push you to a standing position and if my SO wants it he can have it .
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 07:59 PM   #133
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA suburbs
Posts: 1,769
Oh, a lift chair. Better take it if it comes your way. Medicare won't pay for one. They will only pay for the motor part of the chair with a doctor's script.
__________________
WhoDaresWins is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 09:58 PM   #134
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 13,260
I have thought about this for awhile... and the thing that gets me is the feeling that she thinks he should ride the bus... Now, if I had been working all my life and struggling to put food on the table, a couple of cars in the drive and a nice roof over the family's head... and my reward at the end when the spouse got $500K was... I get a new car and you get nothing... well, I think I would be in Jambo's camp... even though I was not before...

Again, it is the current situation that to me is the problem... if you had a lot of money and it was not a problem to buy a car (ie, not a struggle like you are talking about), then I would go back to my first thought, it was her money and I would not care...

To say it again, if the family is fine without the money, no big deal... if the family is not fine (struggling), then it is a big deal....
__________________
Texas Proud is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 02:22 AM   #135
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Rambler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,243
Jambo, since you are reducing your pot by $25k for a necessity (car), perhaps you should reduce your throw into the family kitty by $1000/yr or $83.33/month. I suppose you could tell DW that she'll have to make up the $83.33/month by larger donations or by budget reductions...

R
__________________
Find Joy in the Journey...
Rambler is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 02:28 AM   #136
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Rambler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,243
...Boy am I glad that:

-DW will have no inheritance
-any inheritance I get will be less than 3-4% of our net worth, if anything
-DW has no interest in money other than to have enough for a few not too expensive hobbies and food on the table...in that order
-we love each other more than we love money.

For the poster who asked how much our marraige is worth?? ...PRICELESS!!!

R
__________________
Find Joy in the Journey...
Rambler is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 03:26 AM   #137
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,072
Wow - great thread. I agree with the poster who said the issue isn't necessarily the money, it's the power/control and the sudden rules change - and the acting on the changed rules. Add the daughter's desires in the stew and you have a really spicy one.

Yup - money isn't about money, it's about control...over time, over resources...etc. Something somewhere sometime planted a seed for this particular incident to highlight the changes quite graphically.

Jambo - I suspect the relationship has changed quite a bit and either a renegotiation regarding the power balance and/or relationship existence will need to occur. I'm sorry to hear it. I feel for you as it reads as if you've worked hard to provide a good life for all of you.

One other idea came to my mind - you said you are in your 60's or so. Many rules have changed regarding marriages since you began yours. I know that my parents' marriage was a victim to some of the sociological changes that occurred.

In any case, I wish you well in whatever path you choose.
__________________
Deserat aka Bridget
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.” - George Orwell/Winston Churchill
deserat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 03:57 AM   #138
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 5,072
DW and I have both inherited money over the years. DW has inherited much more than I. We have not spent any of it yet and it is held in joint accounts. For full disclosure... I earned much more money than she did (when she worked). She is ER'd, I still work.

It would be interesting to hear your DW perspective. I am a little surprised... since it appears you are sensible with money.

The motive is anyone's guess... but it sure sounds selfish. Assuming your marriage is on a solid footing (otherwise), it is probably a control issue.

I would have difficulty with that situation. Work all your life, share and share alike.

Perhaps it represents some sort of safety net to your DW.

I can remember my mother inherited a small amount of money from her mother (maybe $20k). I remember her making it a point to keep it in a separate account. For some reason, she felt it was a safety net for her. She grew up during the great depression and always worried about being flat broke (although there was little chance of that). My father always worked and provided (she was a housewife). All of my parents other money and the property was set up with joint ownership. Plus, my father adored my mother, so there are never even the slightest chance he would leave her.

The only thing I can figure out was that my mother always had a fear that things would get bad someday (probably a result of growing up during the great depression and being poor in childhood).

Bottom line - my siblings and I inherited that money, she never spent a cent!
__________________
chinaco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 04:03 AM   #139
Full time employment: Posting here.
jambo101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 940
Quote:
Originally Posted by deserat View Post

Jambo - I suspect the relationship has changed quite a bit and either a renegotiation regarding the power balance and/or relationship existence will need to occur. I'm sorry to hear it. I feel for you as it reads as if you've worked hard to provide a good life for all of you.

.
It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side
__________________
"Second star to the right and straight on till morning"
jambo101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2009, 06:24 AM   #140
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Duesseldorf, Germany
Posts: 1,005
Go find a marriage counselor QUICKLY!
__________________

__________________
chris2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Be Careful Around Your Wife......... FinanceDude Other topics 19 01-06-2009 11:22 PM
How do you get your wife on board? kombat FIRE and Money 104 11-04-2008 05:08 PM
My wife Epiphone Health and Early Retirement 15 03-02-2007 02:48 PM
Husband, Wife, BF, GF, SO or What? haha Other topics 22 12-13-2006 07:52 AM
Wife is 59 boont Life after FIRE 4 08-02-2006 01:59 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:15 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.