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Old 05-17-2009, 06:52 AM   #141
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Hopefully, DW will participate in couples counseling. If she won't go with you, go by yourself. You need the help of a third party. This is your life. Save it.
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Old 05-17-2009, 07:12 AM   #142
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Jambo,

Maybe it would be best to let it go for awhile. You should probably be careful about making DW out as the "bad spouse" over the issue.

IMO - if you are using your daughter's need for a car as a proxy to have the overall debate... it is a bad idea!

I can understand why you are irritated, I would be too. If I were in your situation, I would be wondering about her motive.

If you love your DW and are committed to her, try to work it out. You have 30+ years invested in the relationship.


One possible motive... After the recent financial crisis with paper investments cut in half... she may not trust your investment prowess or the market. She may think putting the money in a bank (which is what you said in the OP) is a prudent and safe move. She may be concerned that putting it in a shared account would result in a next step of putting it in the market!
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Old 05-17-2009, 08:04 AM   #143
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Jambo, Will you be receiving a nice inheritance one day? If so, just plan on hoarding that for yourself and try and forget about this. Sorry if this has already been discussed. Did not read the whole thread.
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Old 05-17-2009, 08:34 AM   #144
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It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side

Kind of brings some new info into the situation... it was not the money that changed her, she had changed a while back... and not for the better...

She probably does not have anything going on the side if she is bitching all the time... but who knows for sure...

I would NOT stay in your situation... I would either get marriage counseling and / or get a divorce.. I am recently married and we have had a few arguments... and I have told her I would rather be single and happy than married and fighting....

Soooo, at least do the first as it does not sound like you are in a good place right now... just two people living together, not a marriage....
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:28 AM   #145
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...i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,...
Has she seen a doctor? What you are describing sounds very much like it could be a medical problem - that might be the place to start before seeking counseling.
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:16 AM   #146
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Imagine DH winning $500,000 and stashing it away in a private account and not letting you have any say in how the money will be spent or not spent,Oh and if you want a newer car? take the bus. kinda has me thinking about my relevancy in the relationship.
Reminds me of this guy who has 20 collectible cars in a nice garage. The guy never drives the car but starts the car once a month and changes the oil every month. You have to wear protective suit to see the car. You could literally eat off the car thats how clean the car and the engine bay. The wife has to take public transportation and he drives a ford escort.
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:30 AM   #147
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It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side
Have you told her your dreams? Have you asked her why she is so unhappy?
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:49 AM   #148
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Originally Posted by jambo101 View Post
It has changed ever since she got that damn money,i'm wondering if this isnt a symptom of menopause, she seems to be always unhappy,bitching at me constantly,continually haranguing the kids sometime bringing them to tears,its just not fun around here anymore.I know a lot of people might just send her on her way but i had so many dreams as to what we were going to do together when we retired that its not easy to realize none of them are likely to happen unless we resolve the issues and the thought of spending my golden years alone is a somewhat terrifying prospect and at this point her recent attitudes are hopefully short lived or changeable.
Or maybe i'm missing the whole game and she's got something going on the side
Picked up my gal at the airport and gave her the scenario last night - menopause was the first thing she mentioned. Gotta hunker down and ride out that storm - it's no fun for the one producing the hormones either - so i hear.
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:56 AM   #149
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We've been sharing our retirement dreams for the past 25yrs,cottage by a lake,big Winnebago to cruise North America and several others,not sure how she thought we were going to pay for it,maybe she thought i would get my inheritance first.
For now i'll ride out the storm and hope this is all a passing mood swing due to some kind of hormonal imbalance,after 32yrs of pleasurable co existance she's earned the benefit of the doubt.
How long did you say menopause lasts?
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Old 05-17-2009, 11:02 AM   #150
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...
How long did you say menopause lasts?
Like saunas? It can be handy on cold winter nights; summer, not so much. The emotional part seems to ease up after one eternity or so. That's just a guess at the time frame...
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Old 05-17-2009, 11:34 AM   #151
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She probably does not have anything going on the side if she is bitching all the time... but who knows for sure...

...
I nominate this for quote of the day.

Ha
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Old 05-17-2009, 11:36 AM   #152
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Watching stories like that make me grateful that I'm single and avoided a gold-digger "what's yours it's ours but what's mine it's mine!!!".

Jambo, just be cool and watch out how the next weeks will unfold. Always remember that if she is feeling that she is the new queen of England and can bitch and do whatever she wants because of 500k you on the other hand have a big inheritance to receive that she has just lost access to. In a way she lost more money keeping that 500k to herself.
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Old 05-17-2009, 11:49 AM   #153
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I'm glad I'm single as well and don't have to deal with situations like this...although I'm sure being in a relationship outweighs the negatives, on average, by a large amount.

I wonder how much of this has to do with what value each person puts on savings and spending money. My parents had extremely different views on spending money which in part ultimately lead to their divorce. My father would go out and buy very nice things thinking that my mother would be thrilled but instead my mother thought that some of the items were just a waste of money. So in this case, how much can be explained because jambo101 and his wife have such different views on spending money. Only they know that. I will admit though that it does seem a bit strange that she would buy a new car but not let Jambo101 enjoy some "equal" type of purchase from the inheritance just to even things out a bit. If I was in this situation I'd probably start withholding a certain amount each month from the communal contribution and eventually use that money to buy a car of my own.
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:01 PM   #154
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Everything i've ever earned since we've been together has gone into the joint accounts no arguements no questions,when she lost her job some years ago i told her to take time off and be a stay at home mom while the kids go through their younger years i took care of all expenses gladly then put her back through school to become a teacher which she has now retired after 15yrs.Its not like i want to spend all her money its just that now the older daughter is also driving and rather than make payments on a second car it would be nice if she loosened the purse strings and bought the family a second car as now i'm not working and relying on a fixed income i dont have the finacial freedom to pay for all the bills and buy a second car. If she doesnt lighten up one of my 401k's will have to bite the dust.
You don't say how old the daughter is, but if she is a teenager, I would be reluctant to buy a new car for her to drive...liability issues, car insurance, and driver in-experience can all be costly...take it from my experience Perhaps, that is part of the reason that your wife is so reluctant. Maybe a good compromise would be to buy an older and less expensive car? As both you and your wife are not working, seems that you could share the new car, with the used one as a backup.
If the issue is really that the money isn't in a joint account, I have to wonder why that bothers you so much. If your marriage is a good one, you should be happy that she is so conservative with the inheritance, as so many others would just blow through it. Atleast, you both will have something to fall back on in the years to come.
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:17 PM   #155
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Honestly, as a 52 year old woman, I don't see medical issues here, and I'm the age to know about these things! While I certainly don't know what's going on here, it sounds bad, and the fact that she isn't talking about the "issues" sounds worse. I inherited about $10K from one parent. It went into a CD in joint names. He will likely inherit more than me. We discussed this once before, and I told him it's my heartfelt belief that anything he inherits, his folks meant for him, and I would have nothing to say about the funds. I know, however, he will put inheritance in both names because we've always shared everything. In fact, I joke that when we married 31 years ago, we combined car payments (yes, we were really that broke). I've always worked and my paycheck has gone into the joint account just as his has. We've argued about the volume on the TV, religion, etc., but I don't recall arguing about money. Should we start disagreeing about money, I would be very worried because as noted up-thread, it's never about money.
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:19 PM   #156
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The second car is for me and my daughters use . The main reason she bought a new car for the family last spring was so that she would have a reliable car to drive cross country to see her brother last summer, she didnt bicker about buying the car or paying the $6000 the trip cost,its only now there is an issue concerning purchasing a newer car to replace the aging old car.
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:24 PM   #157
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Why don't you just ask her what is going on ? If she starts crying and says "Oh Nothing " it is probably menopause . If she hems and haws she probably has another agenda that might not include you . I'll root for the crying .
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:36 PM   #158
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I think Moemg is spot on!
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Old 05-17-2009, 01:52 PM   #159
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Menopause for women.....Andropause for men.

Yep Jambo...I've been married for 32 years....been there, still kinda going through that.....
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Old 05-17-2009, 02:35 PM   #160
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I recommend not taking any advice from anonymous internet posters, including myself. I suspect that if you've been married 32 years you've weathered worse situations than this. Do what makes sense to you, and good luck.

PS - Andropause is a myth. It's more an emotional attempt to try to continue do the things our bodies won't let us do anymore, combined with the constant pain that results from these actions.
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