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Old 05-17-2009, 02:53 PM   #161
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At work, we were sent through diversity (including gender) training classes. They
taught us that men are too quick to want to analyze and fix problems while women don't necessarily want the problem fixed (at least by someone else) but just want someone to listen to their woes. Because they knew that this was a difficult concept to put into practice, they painted it out in black and white...........

if your wife comes home complaining about something, you should listen attentively
and when you think you understand all the facts, circumstances, etc. to craft the perfect equitable solution, you should give her a big hug, take a deep breath, and say............
"Tell me more".

As others have said, listening is a valuable survival skill.
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Old 05-17-2009, 03:22 PM   #162
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As others have said, listening is a valuable survival skill.
There is a great episode in 2 1/2 Men where Alan's ex is worrying and fussing about something and Charlie (who had never understood anything in his life) just says "I understand". Everything she says, he replies " understand". She practically melts right there in the living room.

So "I understand" has become a very common phrase in my lexicon, even if I don't really understand much at all. It's like oil on the waters, everything gets calm and friendly again. I feel the same way as when I am speaking Spanish- I really don't know what the hell it all means, but it works.

Ha
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Old 05-17-2009, 04:33 PM   #163
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Feelings are one thing 500K is another. My feelings about 500K being withheld by my spouce are due some consideration also. If it were me.
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Old 05-17-2009, 05:32 PM   #164
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The more I hear the more I think there is much more to this story to be said by the wife. As a female, I believe the old it must be hormones or menopause is way off the mark - it's used far too often to cover situations where we are just pissed off not because our hormones are making us feel that way. It may well be that she has been unhappy for a while and the inheritance she has received has given her the room to express her dissatisfaction with the situation. The fact that she is happy to be out the house all day doing volunteer work makes me wonder what is going on between the two of them.

Don't know if you are aware of two situations on the rise. The first is women who have been married 20+ years and are divorcing their spouses to be with a woman and the second is the rise of divorce amongst those 50+ When it is a divorce in the over 50 set it is usually initiated by the women, often she feels she has sacrificed everything for the husband and children and once he comes up to retirement she decides she has had enough and wants to live the years she has left for herself.

A House Divided

Why Women Are Leaving Men for Lesbian Relationships - Bisexuality - Oprah.com

So if I was Mr Jambo I would be forgetting the whole issue of the inheritance at this time and make the effort to reconnect with Mrs Jambo to be sure that there isn't any issue with their relationship.
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Old 05-17-2009, 05:38 PM   #165
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if your wife comes home complaining about something, you should listen attentively
and when you think you understand all the facts, circumstances, etc. to craft the perfect equitable solution, you should give her a big hug, take a deep breath, and say............
"Tell me more".
This has to be the best solution offered so far. As a woman, I can just bet that she just wants to be heard and if he can back off from the "power struggle" over the money, he may just get what he wants if he is patient.
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Old 05-17-2009, 05:41 PM   #166
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Menopause? Dump her.
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Old 05-17-2009, 05:57 PM   #167
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500K buys a lot of feelings.
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Old 05-17-2009, 06:26 PM   #168
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My mother would have offered the old saying:
"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" (and, I would add) or with logic .

for those callow youth who are mystified, there is this from wiki answers:
"This is a metaphor. Flies represents anything you want to achieve. Honey (sweet) represents anything pleasant that you do to get what you want. Vinegar (sour) represents anything unpleasant that you do to get what you want. It tells you to use nice methods rather than unkind methods in dealing with other people. "

Sometimes (maybe often) process is more important than objective.
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Old 05-17-2009, 08:29 PM   #169
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Jambo....did you have a chance to talk to your wife yet?
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:08 PM   #170
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Looking back over this thread and the different responses, I am struck by this one thought:
What would possess anyone to tell their spouse:
"This is my money. You ride the damn bus!"
So much for share and share alike, in sickness and in health, etc. Somethign is fundamentally wrong. This is no longer a relationship for better or worse- at this point, it's apparently payback time. And since it worked so well, it will probably continue or even escalate.

Menopause? I'm not buying it- her actions are considered, not emotional. If her menopause were anything like I have seen with my own DW, she might make you ride the bus one day, but then buy you a new Ferrari the next.

Realize that there are two sides to every story, but I'd be seeing a lawyer and a marriage counselor, not necessarily in that order.

Hope things take an upturn soon.
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:36 PM   #171
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At least, you both will have something to fall back on in the years to come.
I'm not sure they'll both have something to fall back on.

citrine:
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Jambo....did you have a chance to talk to your wife yet?
We might have to watch the Canadian "true crime" or obits to find out when they have their talk.

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Has she seen a doctor? What you are describing sounds very much like it could be a medical problem - that might be the place to start before seeking counseling.
They live in Canada! She gets to see the doctor for free! In January, 2015.
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Old 05-18-2009, 03:01 AM   #172
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Jambo....did you have a chance to talk to your wife yet?
We've had the talk about the inheritance and what to do with it a year and a half ago when she first got it,at that time it was made abundantly clear that i was to play no part in its dispensation and for a year and a half the topic has not really been discussed until recently when i thought buying a needed newer car would be a lot more financially prudent if she bought the car rather than me cashing out a retirement fund.We had this conversation a month or so ago and its over,she aint paying for the car,i'm cashing out an investment to take care of the car and she has put her foot down about any future discussion about her inheiritance= its VERBOTEN!!!
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The first is women who have been married 20+ years and are divorcing their spouses to be with a woman and the second is the rise of divorce amongst those 50+ When it is a divorce in the over 50 set it is usually initiated by the women, often she feels she has sacrificed everything for the husband and children and once he comes up to retirement she decides she has had enough and wants to live the years she has left for herself.
You might be onto something DangerMouse as her dozen or so best friends have a lot in common,they are all single due to divorce or separation,All their kids are now in their late teens,they are all constantly emailing each other derogatory joke pages about guys,and they are all fat..I'm now starting to wonder just how relevant me and the kids are in her life and maybe after 32 years of a solid paycheck every week and the kids being now grown up her attitude maybe her way of saying Jim you're REDUNDANT!!in which case its going to come down to should i leave? or should she leave?
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:55 AM   #173
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jambo I wonder why your wife is still with you if she thinks you are redudnant? Are you still paying her bills for her. I would stop if so. No reason at all she should not be paying for all her personal expenses like her car and entertainment, ect. And you should not be paying any more than 50% of the joint expenses.

I would go see a lawyer to find out what I could do to protect the assets that I have and to find out if the inheritance is really only owned by her. If you are coming into an inheritance It will definitly all be yours if you are single. Otherwise ?
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:27 AM   #174
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All her pension goes into the joint checking account and at this point my pension isnt so much higher than hers to warrant getting into 50/50 calculations.
Here in Quebec inheritances are not considered mutual property and i have no rights to it legally.
Problem i have with my inheritance is that my parents have to die before i can get it and i'd gladly put that situation off forever,happily they are in their early 80's and living like a couple of 20yr olds
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:34 AM   #175
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We've had the talk about the inheritance and what to do with it a year and a half ago when she first got it,at that time it was made abundantly clear that i was to play no part in its dispensation and for a year and a half the topic has not really been discussed until recently when i thought buying a needed newer car would be a lot more financially prudent if she bought the car rather than me cashing out a retirement fund.We had this conversation a month or so ago and its over,she aint paying for the car,i'm cashing out an investment to take care of the car and she has put her foot down about any future discussion about her inheiritance= its VERBOTEN!!!

You might be onto something DangerMouse as her dozen or so best friends have a lot in common,they are all single due to divorce or separation,All their kids are now in their late teens,they are all constantly emailing each other derogatory joke pages about guys,and they are all fat..I'm now starting to wonder just how relevant me and the kids are in her life and maybe after 32 years of a solid paycheck every week and the kids being now grown up her attitude maybe her way of saying Jim you're REDUNDANT!!in which case its going to come down to should i leave? or should she leave?
You're already riding the bus, gus.
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:18 AM   #176
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Don't have anything to add; just glad lesbians have been mentioned.

Gawd, I don't miss the drama...
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:45 AM   #177
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There are a lot of dynamics that could be relevant in this situation. Was your wife ever made to feel powerless when it came to money in the beginning, when she was home with the kids? Does she think that you spend money needlessly? Is she in menopause?

My DH and I have always had 50/50 everything. DH has always spent more money than me and that has me a little concerned for when he retires. However, I think that he will make the adjustment and spend less if need be.

I am 56 yrs old and the majority of my friends are older than me. We have all been through menopause. I realize that all women are different, but I have not seen any of us get what I would call mean. Just as I had an extremely easy time with my pregnancies and deliveries, I also had a very easy time with menopause. There were a few blips with it, but nothing that I could not handle. I could be wrong, but I am ruling out the menopause scenario.

If you had all of the money power when the kids were young and her voice was not heard, then I would attribute it to that reason. I would have hated such a scenario and I have a very long memory! (I am a lot more mellow in my old age though.)

If I thought that putting the money in a joint account would result in the money be frittered away in a short time, I would not do it. However, I would use the 4% earnings toward the family household.

I ran this situation past my DH and asked him what he would do. He immediately said he would tell her to hit the road. I myself, would be extremely disappointed in my DH if he were to act this way and then knowing me, I would get very angry. I can not imagine being married for 32 yrs and having my spouse buy himself a brand new car and have plenty of money in the bank and have him tell me to ride the bus.

I think that you two need to have a heart to heart or several of them if need be. You not only need to talk about the inheritance, but about your life in general. You need to let her know how it feels for her to be away so much of the time with friends and with volunteering and then come home and be so awful to you and your family. How are your children going to remember their childhoods? Remind her of the dreams that you both had for your retirement years and see if she is still on the same page. I would try to do all of this with as much love as I could muster and do it calmly.

I know what you mean about not wanting to spend your retirement years by yourself. You work hard all of your life and dream about what it will be like when you can be footloose and fancy free. Those dreams always include my DH as I am sure that yours included your DW.

I would not be hasty in divorcing your wife. You still have children left at home and divorce is never a pleasant thing. I realize how hard it must be for you though. I would try to start doing some activities yourself that would be good exercise and help burn up some of the stess that you must be feeling. I have always heard that yoga and meditation are very good for stress. I would also try the couple counseling before the divorce option. I would also pray to God for strength for yourself in dealing with this situation and for wisdom in how to handle it. I would also pray for your DW and your family.

I wish better days ahead for you and your family. I hope that your wife has a change of heart and becomes the young girl that you fell in love with so many years ago.
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:54 AM   #178
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...I am 56 yrs old and the majority of my friends are older than me. We have all been through menopause. I realize that all women are different, but I have not seen any of us get what I would call mean. Just as I had an extremely easy time with my pregnancies and deliveries, I also had a very easy time with menopause. There were a few blips with it, but nothing that I could not handle. I could be wrong, but I am ruling out the menopause scenario.
I am a firm believer that hormones cannot make a nice person be nasty.
Emotional, yes.
Insecure, yes.
But hostile, no.
My tea leaves are indicating a lot of repressed anger at something. The "ganging-up on men" thing with other women friends is very immature. It is reminiscent of school days where a group of girls would use the power of numbers to maliciously torment a "victim".
Whew!
FTR, I wouldn't be caught dead in a vicious group like this.
I have way too much respect for men, , and for myself as a person.
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:11 AM   #179
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I have read EVERY POST in this thread, just because the story is compelling but not too uncommon. This is a serious matter for jambo, but there seem to be underlying causes that have been there for some time. I doubt Mrs. Jambo knows jambo is posting on here and discussing their personal issues, but that's another point. jambo was just looking for anonymous advice and that's what he's getting.

Knocking the rust off my minor in psychology after too long, and having had a few days to ponder the advice all have given, I would offer this. (Last week I was too emotional about this, one would think I WAS going through menoapuse....

1)Jambo and his wife has never set clear definitions of their "money life" together. Realize that most folks have never done this, obviously jambo's wife believes that the money from her parents represents two things, freedom from dependency on Jim, and trying to put the money (in her mind) to good use. She is protective of the money because to her it has deep emotional attachment, moreso than money should but often does.

2)There is a clear imbalance of "equity" in this marriage. Jambo's wife knows he has given more monetarily to the marriage and it bugs her. It probably has bugged her for quite some time. I am not sure if she stayed home and raised the kids, if so, she feels she has given a fair value in TIME versus money, and thinks jambo should realize that her time is of the same value as Jim's larger money to support the household. It is clear that this imbalance has been in place for years if not decades. I am not sure if there is an easy solution or even one at all that can happen. I do doubt,however, that this can be solved without an impartial third party involved(counselor).

3)This could be a "test" of their marriage. Her somewhat cavalier attitude toward the money being HERS could stem from the following:

a)She resents Jim in some way and is trying to get back at him
b)She grew up with little or nothing and now feels she can do things she never could before.
c)She is pulling a power play and testing Jim's commitment to the relationship

I doubt you are redundant. Jim. It could be your wife feels she has OUTGROWN your relationship in some way. Divorces have happened for less than that. Maybe her friends are filling her head with how wonderful life is without the "ball and chain" of a marriage. Again, not having info from jambo's wife makes this much harder to get a handle on.

Best of luck. I think it might be too late for "heart-to-heart", that ship has sailed. If she agrees to counseling, then you have a chance to make this work. If she doesn't, you know where you stand, which would probably be a divorce. In effect, her willigness to go to counseling is the test of your relationship. I hope she agrees, because that means she has NOT emotionally "checked out" of your marriage.

Sorry for the rambling........
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:18 AM   #180
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I'm probably not the best person to comment, being cheerfully single and all, but anyhow...

It seems to me that the Jambos are not working as a team. A lot has changed in society over the past 32 years and perhaps the assumptions they took into the marriage are no longer in effect. Getting those assumptions out into the open is essential. Even the best teams need a retreat once in a while. Time for some facilitated communication.
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