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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 10:56 AM   #41
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

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Originally Posted by Fireup2025
I wish you the best of luck...Jen, an adoptee who "found" her biological people as an adult - was very important to me - and all turned out well
thank you. and thanx for sharing that.

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Originally Posted by Laurence
and the cynical part of me thinks he may just be showing up now to wheedle his way into an inheritance.
i'm not so sure that's all that cynical. but between this and your other inheritance post i suspect it might be more oedipal.

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After a few contacts, I just conlcuded we are strangers. I will respond to his emails, and keep the peace for my parents' sake, because they very much feel their prodigal son has returned. Everyone is hoping I'll get us through this rocky ride since I'm always the peacemaker etc. but I just don't want to play.
you might not want to write him off so fast. try not to just think of how he made you feel in the past, or even how he might make you feel now. try to consider how you might feel in the future, after your parents have passed on. it might be nice to have a brother in the world with you, and to have an uncle in life for your children.

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I think you have multiple levels of emotions for your father like I do for my brother. Part angry, part abandonment wanting redemption. I guess I've come to a similar conclusion to others on this thread. Family is those who earned it. Both my step-parents worked very earnestly to be good parents, and I thank them every chance I get. Blood doesn't mean a whole lot to me by itself.
i think this is true in part. and certainly i consider my stepfather to be my family. it was interesting for me to see him appear in so many of my dreams at night, while mom was dying and after she died. even 13 years after burying my stepfather, he was foremost in my mind and those dreams helped me understand much and helped me deal with my ordeal. that man was always there for me. he really was a great guy.

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Just be careful. If you are ready to make contact whatever the response, and you want to, do it. But don't be more inclined to bail him out financially than you would any other relative. Keep shields up! Man, I'll stop typing now, I'm getting angry just thinking about this guy.
i doubt dad would need my help. really just running a worst case possibility here. he hasn't sought my help ever. hell, he hasn't even sought me out just to say hi. as to helping other relatives, actually i'm already prepared to help set up a cousins' commune later in life. one option in consideration is building a compound in some third world country so that we can be there for each other in our older age. for me, blood is thicker than money.

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Originally Posted by Joss

You are fifty now and, since college, there has been a thirty year gap in his contact with you. The converse of this is that here has been a thirty year gap in your contact with him too. You became an adult about then and have been since then. Contact, or the lack of it, between adults, is a two way street. He doesn't call. You don't call. Now it's thirty years later.
as i originally said, i kept in periodic contact up until 13 years ago. whenever i was in jersey i stopped in to say hi. still, he never initiated any contact with me, never, not once. when i was about in early 20s, on vacation in jersey where many of my relatives and friends still lived, before calling dad i called my grandmother (his mother who also never not once called me). i asked her: "what's wrong with dad; how come he never calls me?" she could be kind of scarey. she just got angry with me and said in such a mean voice: "just call your father." i'll never forget how that sounded to me. well i did call my father as i was going to anyway. and i continued trying to keep in contact for many years after that.

then 13 years ago when i was in jersey burying the ol'man, i stopped in to see dad like i normally do when i'm in town. only this time he told me he had been to florida, looking for a place to live in retirement. it wasn't enough that he never called me from jersey, but he had been here and didn't bother to call. i was so hurt. anyway, i had not been to jersey again until 5 years ago but i was taking care of my alzheimer's mom and only had strength to deal with that. then 3 or 4 years ago, when my nephew was getting barmitzva'd, i thought it would be nice if i could get my father to meet his grandchildren for the first time in his life. (he and my brother hadn't spoken since my brother was 18.) but dad was no where to be found. someone else had his old telephone number. he never bothered even to say goodbye.

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Yet, though there is hardly a day goes by that I don't think of them, I still don't call all that much. I'll look at the phone and stop. The year's ago divorce and new stepdad put me on the outside, psycologically. Sounds strange, but I just hesitate to be an interruption...My point is that, as a dad, I can see how easily one comes to feel like he's looking at the "new family" from the outside and is not just unnecessary but irrelevent.
ya, i think that is all at work there. but ya know what, the guy's got 29 or 30 years more life experience than me. so he just needs to just get over it.

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You maybe own a piece of that thirty years too.
sorry, no, i did more than my part of this dance. but as to you, i'm just going to say something my grandmother should have said to her son "just call your children."
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 12:00 PM   #42
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Sorry, Lazy...

My bad for not getting all the facts straight.

I understand now that you've held up your end. Maybe he's just "wired" different. Sounds like maybe your grandmother too... and that might be a clue to him.

If I were you, and you know this is superficial as hell since I can only pretend this based on what I've absorbed of your writing, I think I'd let go of it now. You have given the man every opportunity and he has let them all go. He also has 29 more years of life experience, as you said.

But perhaps more important is what this creates, regarding your brother. He seems like a good man and well aware of the responsibilites he has created, and fully accepts. Finding your (and his) bio-dad spills over onto him too. It is impossible that it won't.

You asked in the beginning about discovering your bio-dad destitute. Look at this through your brothers eyes. How would he deal with that burden? He can't ignore it because he is not like your father. But he can't pay it either. And you can't locate just your half of the guy. Maybe your brother chooses not to get involved, but even this will cost him unnecessary guilt.

Nothing about life is free unless you are a sociopath.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 12:42 PM   #43
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

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Originally Posted by Joss
Look at this through your brothers eyes. How would he deal with that burden? He can't ignore it because he is not like your father. But he can't pay it either. And you can't locate just your half of the guy. Maybe your brother chooses not to get involved, but even this will cost him unnecessary guilt.
well, i said to my brother, maybe we could just split the costs if any. as to his guilt, it is well deserved. to complicate the story even more, while my father abandoned me, it was my brother who abandoned my father, moving from new jersey to colorado when he was a teen without saying goodbye. he didn't even cancel a dinner date he had with our dad. just took off. so no doubt he carries the guilt of that and i recently learned he also felt guilty because he thought his past action was responsible for dad not contacting me, not realizing that i had kept contact for so long with dad. (during those years brother & i were not the friends we are today).

your emphasis on being more concerned with my brother's welfare is appreciated. i'll give that more thought and at least keep it in mind. but in case you haven't noticed, i'm tired of living in the closet. i'm tired of secrets, i'm tired of skeletons, i'm tired of people not facing what is right in front of their faces. i'm not going to live my life as a cicada. and i'm not going to let people i love live their lives like an ostrich.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 03:01 PM   #44
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Sorry Lazy, but it sound more like it is just a family thing that people don't want to keep in touch... not just your dad...

As someone said, people are wired differently... your family is in this group.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 04:43 PM   #45
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

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Originally Posted by Texas Proud
As someone said, people are wired differently... your family is in this group.
that is unacceptable.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 10:35 PM   #46
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

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Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum
so you would take a chance on destroying your e.r. plans?
Yes, absolutely. I have already delayed FI for many years becuase of my family (children, not parents). Some things are more important.

Since you don't even know if there is anything to be worried about, I wouldn't let any possible financial issues enter your head.

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Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum
family means a lot to me. . . and with every family member i lose, i become less happy.
There you have it.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 11:22 PM   #47
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Every family has a jerk or two, based on your comments you have a lower % in your family than I.

It is sad when one is a parent. If you meet up with yours you may find that the relationship is more trouble than enriching, but you can go forward knowing that you have made an effort. We are all flawed at some level.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-13-2007, 04:46 AM   #48
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

In your shoes I would probably try to find him.
I would like to hear his story about the past and why he abandoned contact.
Financial support? I am not sure - he supported you financially till you were mature. So if he needs it, I would probably like to "pay back".

But first I would like to learn more about my desire to find him and reconnect and also think about the bad experineces that might come.
How would you feel if you learn that he is anti-gay? Or that he already passed away without leaving a note to inform his kids? Or that he had another family and never talkerd about his other kids?
Or that he lived like next door to you without ever making contact?
Make sure that you have a support network before you dig it up...
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-13-2007, 09:22 AM   #49
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

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Originally Posted by Brat
Every family has a jerk or two, based on your comments you have a lower % in your family than I.
We picked up the slack from your side over here...
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