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Old 05-21-2011, 08:50 PM   #61
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How do you define long term affair?
The situation I am about to describe is obviously not the same, because I was not married to the woman, but I went around with, slept with, and got very emotionally close to a wonderful woman who was running almost the exact same affair with another guy. I can't remember, maybe I got her Tuesday and Saturday, and he got her Monday and Friday. It went on like this 4 or 5 years. I moved away, as otherwise I am not sure that either of us would have tired of it.

In many ways that was a primo relationship. I knew she was looking to him to provide things that I either had no interest in, or just was not very good at, and vice versa. For some reason that I cannot quite figure out it just did not arouse any jealousy in me. Not that jealousy was not an emotion I was quite susceptible to, just this time it did not get get to me. I knew the other guy casually.

Some years later she showed up on my doorstep in another city. I was as drawn to her as ever, and I was surprised that she had not married other guy. We didn't sleep together, as I was living with a woman at the time. But it was veyr nice to be with her again.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that it is often easier to get another partner to satisfy sexual aspects than to try to talk your spouse into it, which IMO tends to have a low yield.

Ha
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Old 05-22-2011, 03:29 AM   #62
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How do you define long term affair?
This is, of course, a big grey area. If DW confessed that she once met and slept with a guy at a party on a conference she had attended, then that is a lot different than me finding out that she had been regularly sleeping with a collegue at work, lying to me about where she had been going in an evening etc.
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Old 05-22-2011, 04:41 AM   #63
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Not sure. I know people who had affairs or are in one,and it seems like its a big pain in the butt.A lot of work.I"m married 26 years. Wife with MS.Don"t mind taking care of her.Great woman and it keeps me out of trouble.I don"t want to be running around like a nut case like the folks I wrote about above.I read somewhere once that if your gonna cheat do it in a dream or a fantasy,cause its not real. Maybe thats what Lady Ga Ga is for.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:10 AM   #64
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I've been married more than 40 years and would divorce tomorrow if DH cheated. He knew that going in.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:31 AM   #65
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I personally believe in the importance of committment.
If you truly mean what you say, than there should be no problem stating your vows (and stick to them) to your "significant other", your family, and your friends, in a formal manner.

IMHO, that's what makes marriage different than just "playing house", and the reason that you work out your future together - good or bad.

I'm not saying you can't/should not get divorced (my parents were), however marriage (be it in a church, or in front of a JP) sets the stage - or should I say "foundation", that a future together is built upon.

Of course, what do I know; DW/me have only been married for 41+ years ...
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Old 05-22-2011, 08:15 AM   #66
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One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that it is often easier to get another partner to satisfy sexual aspects than to try to talk your spouse into it, which IMO tends to have a low yield.Ha
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Old 05-22-2011, 08:25 AM   #67
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Old 05-22-2011, 08:32 AM   #68
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I am pretty much surprised at the majority of replies here of questioning the parameters of your spouse F'ing another person! That's what it is folks F'ing another person, think about that and what that entails. You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.

Does being shot by your spouse also require assessing where the bullet hit you in order for you to decide whether to call the cops and end the marriage in that order?

I'm pretty judgmental, some things are cut and dried but apparently not to many here. I have to say that I am surprised by the replies.
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:24 AM   #69
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Ha, Since you seem to be saying that nobody was married, and both men were witting, this doesn't sound like two affairs - it is consensual polyandry. I believe "affairs" are when married people sneak around.

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The situation I am about to describe is obviously not the same, because I was not married to the woman, but I went around with, slept with, and got very emotionally close to a wonderful woman who was running almost the exact same affair with another guy. I can't remember, maybe I got her Tuesday and Saturday, and he got her Monday and Friday. It went on like this 4 or 5 years. I moved away, as otherwise I am not sure that either of us would have tired of it.


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Old 05-22-2011, 12:48 PM   #70
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Humm, it appears to me that Warren Buffett and his first wife made an arragement that worked for the three of them.

I am in the "it depends" camp (I am 70 and husband is a couple years older). If I were in long term care with no prospect of recovery and my husband was not, I would not divorce him because he developed another relationship. Just don't parade her through the facility, please. Be discrete.
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:03 PM   #71
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Much of the "divorce the pig now" crowd seems to feel that no candy at all is better than candy shared. Or alternatively that they are so attractive that they can come up with another without a lot of downtime. I think that this is just one more ymmv, or circumstances shape choices situation.

Just as a thought experiment, who is cheating their spouse more, a loving, physically and emotionally generous mate who perhaps goes outside at times, or a denying, sour, unhappy person who would "never cheat". Admittedly, these are extremes, but certainly not unknown.

Ha
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:53 PM   #72
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I've been married more than 40 years and would divorce tomorrow if DH cheated. He knew that going in.
My DW not only told me that, but she would take a part of me with her
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:33 PM   #73
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I think he is known to the world as a womanizer but they must have loved each other enough to forgive each others flaws ...BUT we all have our limits. There is more to this then we know.
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Old 05-22-2011, 03:54 PM   #74
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What DSK's wife will do after this settles out is hard to know. If he had lovers on the side, given France's cultural tolerance for that, he wouldn't be in this pickle and she would be accepting. Frankly I think she may have been attracted by his position of power. This, I believe, has evaporated and there is no reason for her to tolerate aggressive behavior.

One never knows what evidence will be produced but it appears to me that his attorneys do not claim that sexual contact didn't happen. The next question is consent. The totality of the circumstances of which I am aware make consent doubtful. IMHO jury selection will be lengthy and if he is convicted a jury will render a harsh sentence. I don't think he understands that this is not a wink & a nod culture once a sex crime has been charged. As difficult as it will be for him this is one circumstance where a plea deal would be in his best interest.

Were I her I would get my own attorney.
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Old 05-22-2011, 10:19 PM   #75
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What DSK's wife will do after this settles out is hard to know. If he had lovers on the side, given France's cultural tolerance for that, he wouldn't be in this pickle and she would be accepting. Frankly I think she may have been attracted by his position of power. This, I believe, has evaporated and there is no reason for her to tolerate aggressive behavior.
Actually, DSK's wife was the power player when the couple got married. She was one of France's most famous, respected and powerful journalists (think Barbara Walters) and she came from a wealthy family. DSK was a virtual nobody back then.
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:25 PM   #76
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Humm, the familial power relationship is much more complicated than I realized.

I don't think Barbara Walters would stay long under those circumstances. The wife may need a period of time to assess the situation. Assuming she wants to preserve the assets she brought into the marriage, and her dignity, her own Counsel is critical.
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:46 AM   #77
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Ha, Since you seem to be saying that nobody was married, and both men were witting, this doesn't sound like two affairs - it is consensual polyandry. I believe "affairs" are when married people sneak around.

Amethyst
I'm just wowed by the use of the term consensual polyandry, Amethyst!
Thanks!
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:57 AM   #78
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I'm just wowed by the use of the term consensual polyandry, Amethyst!
Thanks!
You want to get some of that rich stuff? I know this guy...

Ha
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Old 05-23-2011, 12:54 PM   #79
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Much of the "divorce the pig now" crowd seems to feel that no candy at all is better than candy shared. Or alternatively that they are so attractive that they can come up with another without a lot of downtime. I think that this is just one more ymmv, or circumstances shape choices situation.

Just as a thought experiment, who is cheating their spouse more, a loving, physically and emotionally generous mate who perhaps goes outside at times, or a denying, sour, unhappy person who would "never cheat". Admittedly, these are extremes, but certainly not unknown.
Ha
Most on here would say that the latter is to be held in high regard, while the former should be kicked to the curb...........
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:47 PM   #80
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