I hope your insurance covers removal of the tongue from the cheek. Yours looks pretty dang well jammed in there.
However, with constructive criticism in mind, let me offer the following.
For example "I was such a great manager, I wasnt satisfied with the first person i'd hire for a job. In fact, i'd sequentially hire and fire every applicant, either indicating that I cant judge talent or that I was looking for the person who represented themselves most weakly so that I could apply my superior management capabilities to them."
Or "I'm an expert in real estate. You can tell this by looking in awe at the one actual concrete piece of advice I've given regarding real estate, which was the awesome 'location, location, location'". Personally, I was so bowled over, I wrote that one down.
What has been a pleasant surprise is seeing that the old adage is still true...if you repeat something often enough, even in the absence of any factual information or positive evidence, even in the presence of substantial negative evidence, eventually it becomes the truth. At least for some portion of your 'audience'.