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You were raised better than this!
Old 10-27-2010, 10:19 AM   #1
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You were raised better than this!

Gotta love Facebook. Background: Married in early 20's to a man with three kids, ages 5, 6, 7. They lived with us more often than not over the next 10 years (when their father and I divorced) due to their "Jerry Springeresque" mother. Now in their early/mid 20's, they all live within 20 miles of their mother in TN, two are married with children AND step-children, and from what I have seen in the FB photos (was all phone conversations before this)...I am apalled at their lifestyles via FB photos (rather white-trashy; the people on those strange/awkward photo sites; fat/teeth missing/features off kilter, etc). They earn decent money, life is much cheaper in TN than many places, so WHY the trailers and junk, looking skanky, dirty, etc...this is the closest to family drama mentioned in other posts, and I am only on the fringes...(no one asks for $$, or says any begrudging comments)

My dilemma, I am yelling at them in my head "you just were NOT raised like that"...and "Fireup, stop being such a snob"...someone play the deliverance tune!

I am sure I am not alone in similar situations...
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:44 AM   #2
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Kids whose parents divorce are in such a difficult situation. Those I know often seem to want to stay close to both biological parents, and try to emulate the other parent if they can even if they were raised differently. I understand your frustration but I don't think there is anything you can do without pushing them towards their (biological) mom's way of behaving resulting in even worse behavior. Eventually, maybe they will come around. Sorry that you are going through this!
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:50 AM   #3
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Facebook has really unleashed some weird people . A husband of a friend of ours is on Facebook and he has over 400 friends most of them women . A lot younger than him and their photos are more appropriate to match.com . I can't believe his wife has not closed that down.Another Jerry Springer candidate !
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:52 AM   #4
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I am fortunate to have maintained a connection with them, and am just in shock - this too shall pass. You are correct, this is probably the pendulum swing back - who knows how long it will last (they moved back to TN about 8 years ago - and are still there) Their mom is very involved with them these days - making up for lost time maybe?
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:57 AM   #5
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Could be. Eventually they may swing back to better ways of behaving and my guess is that this will happen. Still, I sympathize because this has got to be hard on you.
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:57 AM   #6
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My dilemma, I am yelling at them in my head "you just were NOT raised like that"...and "Fireup, stop being such a snob"...someone play the deliverance tune!
I am sure I am not alone in similar situations...
Nature vs nurture, and you didn't get the credit or enough time for either one!

"The Nurture Assumption" makes a very compelling case that parents (including step-parents) don't have a lot of personal influence on the raising of their kids. The best that parents can do is choose the neighborhood and try to influence the kids' selection of their peer group.

Amy Dacyczyn used to comment that she was sure her kids would rebel against her frugal ways of raising them and discard those practices as soon as they left the nest. She took comfort from knowing that she equipped them with vital life survival skills that they'd always be able to fall back on in hard times, even if they didn't appear to live out her values in their daily lives.

Either that or you're spending too much time on Facebook...
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:02 AM   #7
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Oh also, if you find the opportunity this situation would give you a great chance to show them that you love them unconditionally. They probably know what you would say about the way they behave, so there is no need to say a word to them about that.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:17 AM   #8
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Nature v Nurture. The good new is that either way you can still blame your parents.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:20 AM   #9
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A friend of mine's sister has a ho-dog white trash daughter and it pains the whole family to see how she's turned out. Granted, they are from Appalachia, but still--having your wedding in front of your trailer is not at all what was envisioned when my friend's niece was a little girl.

Try to focus on positives and make fun of the negatives. That's my friend's tactic.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:23 AM   #10
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Oh also, if you find the opportunity this situation would give you a great chance to show them that you love them unconditionally. They probably know what you would say about the way they behave, so there is no need to say a word to them about that.
Heavens no! They are adults now, so no nagging or snippy comments! (I am sure they still get lots of that from their mom!)
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:30 AM   #11
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:34 AM   #12
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:38 PM   #13
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Living 3000 miles from my mom Facebook worked until my HS classmates started the be my friend thing. Going going gone.
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:34 PM   #14
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Fireup , It would be hard to see kids I had helped raise turn out like that but maybe they just outwardly look bad but they are still good young adults with less than perfect hygiene .
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:51 PM   #15
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Fireup , It would be hard to see kids I had helped raise turn out like that but maybe they just outwardly look bad but they are still good young adults with less than perfect hygiene .
That is what I am thinking. I had country cousins who looked pretty rough, but actually were fine people.

Ha
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