Your Parent Just Died? Your Life May Get Better

[REWahoo]

Here's an interesting book on a touchy subject: "Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult Child’s Life—For the Better" by Jeanne Safer.

Jeanne Safer is the bearer of good news you probably don’t want to hear: “The death of your parents can be the best thing that ever happens to you.”

...and she's not talking about an inheritance. I haven't read it but the overview brings up some logical but disconcerting points.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Mine are still alive. Though my life did get better after I stopped having contact with them. Hopefully it worked the same for them too

 

[CuppaJoe]

I like the part about losing weight which got mixed up in my mind with Khan's comments about losing weight after leaving the j*b world. Therefore, if my j*b is like an evil parent, and I retire Sept. 1, how much will I weigh in November?

 

[calmloki]

Not really getting how losing a loved parent confers much benefit for someone who is already ok with themselves, but here's a nice obit - figure these kids would agree with the author: Obituaries - Vallejo Times HeraldDolores Aguilar1929 - Aug. 7, 2008
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.
She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing. Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again. There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

 

[Khan]

I have known (and have been told of) men who did not get married until the mother died.
-----------------
Almost 40 years ago, a college professor told the class that it's somehow a relief when your parents die.
-----------------
Mother died several years ago, and I haven't communicated with any other relatives since then; so, in a certain way, they are dead.

 

[haha]

Not really getting how losing a loved parent confers much benefit for someone who is already ok with themselves, but here's a nice obit - figure these kids would agree with the author: Obituaries - Vallejo Times HeraldDolores Aguilar1929 - Aug. 7, 2008
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.
She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.

What nasty vindictive kids. This poor woman had so many children that she might have had trouble getting time to sit down for 10 minutes once a week. She raised umpteen healthy, fertile children, and will very likely be what Richard Dawkins calls an ancestor, or someone whose genes will be alive many years and perhaps even centuries from now.

What do these brats want, egg in their beer?

Ha

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

oh grow up and stop blaming your parents already. this is nothing more than justification for dysfunction, disguised and sold as psychotherapy.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

oh grow up and stop blaming your parents already. this is nothing more than justification for dysfunction, disguised and sold as psychotherapy.

Who are talking too? Or did you just randomly spew that out in a fit of rage

 

[HFWR]

Mom always liked you best.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Mom always liked you best.

She would be so proud of us.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

to the person profiting from helping others to rationalize why they don't have to take responsibility for their own lives because they can always blame their parents.

how about instead teaching people to take ownership for their own lives while their parents are alive so that maybe even the parents might gain from their children's growth.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

to the person profiting from helping others to rationalize why they don't have to take responsibility for their own lives because they can always blame their parents.

how about instead teaching people to take ownership for their own lives while their parents are alive so that maybe even the parents might gain from their children's growth.

Oh you are talking about the article. I see. Because ya I didn't see anyone here post about blaming their parents

 

[CuppaJoe]

This is a great thread, your comments help me understand why I cannot read farther than one chapter into some books on my shelf, a good example is "Original Kin." More stuff I can release for re-sale.

 

[NW-Bound]

Hey, everybody's experience is different.

I love my parents (my father passed away a few years ago), despite our differences.

Because of my experience, I always found it strange when I learned of people who are estranged from their parents. That was up until I personally witnessed a distant cousin who was so selfish, vengeful, and petty that I had to agree with their estranged children for avoiding her, and having little contact with her.

 

[Leonidas]

oh grow up and stop blaming your parents already. this is nothing more than justification for dysfunction, disguised and sold as psychotherapy.

DING! DING! DING!

I started to post a reply along those lines earlier, but I was so p*ssed off that it was turning into a rant and I quit trying.

I will add that poor old Dolores Aguilar may have been the meanest bitch alive, but nothing was accomplished by her obituary other than proving that the author was following in mom's footsteps.

 

[plsprius]

For a hilarious view of sibling rivalry between brothers, and one source of the sensitivities brought out in this thread, take a look at this YouTube video clip (it has been viewed 5.9 million times).


YouTube - Happy Mother's Day
.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Oh you are talking about the article. I see. Because ya I didn't see anyone here post about blaming their parents

by all means, only take personally anything i say if it happens to strike home. meanwhile, i am a man who lives by my own convictions. mom & i had hugely deep discussions, mutually influencing and teaching each other throughout our lives together.

dad & i did not have such opportunity because he always ran away from family. but now that i have cornered him at the age of 80 when he has finally realized his desire for family, i still don't hold back on becoming the person i am to be while my remaining parent lives. just like i won't let him get away without growing up right alongside me.

my grandfather was from a huge entertainment family and lived his life as a footloose playboy, resulting in some serious damage to dad. i'm just learning some of these stories now and here's my recent no-bars-held-back response to dad who has, throughout our lives, inflicted that bitterness on his children...

terrible that grandpa mistreated you and your mom the way he did but then people were not as conscious then as they later became in your generation and still it expands even now so that we might be able to uphold responsibilities in life that we might not have owned up to in the past. not to ever excuse bad behavior, past or present, of course, but maybe it helps take the edge off a little to not judge so much the past actions of others by our standards today.

if that were not the case, then i'd go through life bitter at how the world, even now, continues to oppress gay people. but i keep in mind that most people are afraid of their own skin, so i can understand that it might intimidate them a little when they see that i am comfortable in mine. that doesn't mean that i approve of, say, gay bashing at all in any of history, simply that i can understand it having happened in the past, whereas by now i hope the world would find it intolerable. just as we now would find abandoning a 16 year old intolerable. that does not mean it was right when the wrong happened, it just means that we all know more now so that maybe we are able to let go a little of what harm may have come our way.

we grow more and more completely by talking to each other, children and their parents, not by whispering or flaunting our later achievements at graves.

 

[calmloki]

will add that poor old Dolores Aguilar may have been the meanest bitch alive, but nothing was accomplished by her obituary other than proving that the author was following in mom's footsteps.

different people, different readings - unlike you and Ha i thought the obit was written without venom and was calmly put. Sounded less in anger than in sorrow. Probably wouldn't have bothered with an obit were i so unlucky to have been in a similiar situation, but can understand the attempt for "closure" (it's the in thing, doncha know).

 

[HFWR]

I got along well with my parents, except for those "rebellious" years. Thankfully, they grew out of it...

They were/are good people, though, and I can empathize with those who weren't so fortunate. It's sad that some feel this way about their parents, whether deserved or not. Still, turn off Dr. Phil and Oprah, and get a life.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Calmloki, I thought it was pretty good, having seen and been involved in some families like that. Most folks wouldn't have the nerve, but I guess with Pa already gone there wasn't anybody who was left who didn't agree. And if there are that many people who felt that way about her, I'd guess the obit was pretty darned accurate.

 

[Leonidas]

different people, different readings - unlike you and Ha i thought the obit was written without venom and was calmly put. Sounded less in anger than in sorrow. Probably wouldn't have bothered with an obit were i so unlucky to have been in a similiar situation, but can understand the attempt for "closure" (it's the in thing, doncha know).

You're right about the different perspectives, closure for example, sounds to my ears like "I won! I won!".

Whoever wrote Dolores' obit would have proven themselves a better human being with the use of grace and decorum.

 

[CuppaJoe]

Read somewhere years ago that people often do foolish things at the time of a death in the family and ought to be given a pass.

Makes me wonder how abusive she was, maybe this is the cleaned-up version, understatement? The obit writer reverses the old cliche that people who have no children contribute nothing to society, so many angles to this. I like to read obits for their creative writing content, this one takes the cake.

Gives me new perspective on an SOB who insisted on no funeral and no obit.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

by all means, only take personally anything i say if it happens to strike home. meanwhile, i am a man who lives by my own convictions. mom & i had hugely deep discussions, mutually influencing and teaching each other throughout our lives together.

dad & i did not have such opportunity because he always ran away from family. but now that i have cornered him at the age of 80 when he has finally realized his desire for family, i still don't hold back on becoming the person i am to be while my remaining parent lives. just like i won't let him get away without growing up right alongside me.

my grandfather was from a huge entertainment family and lived his life as a footloose playboy, resulting in some serious damage to dad. i'm just learning some of these stories now and here's my recent no-bars-held-back response to dad who has, throughout our lives, inflicted that bitterness on his children...



we grow more and more completely by talking to each other, children and their parents, not by whispering or flaunting our later achievements at graves.

Who is taking anything personally? I just asked you a simple question friend

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

yes, i got that. but you originally asked "Who are talking too?" so i was just following through & playing along with that theme. nothing up my sleeves, no hidden agenda, nothing else intended. just a little dry humor sans smiley face.

 

[HFWR]

yes, i got that. but you originally asked "Who are talking too?" so i was just following through & playing along with that theme. nothing up my sleeves, no hidden agenda, nothing else intended. just a little dry humor sans smiley face.

As Justin would say, "This is sarcasm."

Tongue-in-cheek smiley included...