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Old 02-23-2014, 01:17 PM   #21
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Maybe ask yourself in what ways you benefit from your relationship with this person.

Is the drama (excitement) worth it to you?
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Old 02-23-2014, 01:35 PM   #22
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I am not a Christian, but a knowledgeable person explained tithing to me as being 10% of your income, given to your church. It's done off the top, before you do any other giving, saving or spending.

So from the OPs friend's point of view it may look like the non-tither is way ahead on saving/investing/retiring because she didn't follow the lifetime requirement of automatically giving her first 10% to her church. If the friend feels that this was unfair, well that's her problem for choosing to be the category of Christian that requires this.

While it's nice to be supportive of a friend going through tough times, a comment like this would cause me to question my tolerance of toxic people in my world.
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Old 02-23-2014, 01:46 PM   #23
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Ok, I may be a cynic, but I wonder how much of the rant was directed at you over tithing, or more a cover to yell at you about the fact you quit giving her monetary handouts six months ago.
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Old 02-23-2014, 02:20 PM   #24
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Ok, I may be a cynic, but I wonder how much of the rant was directed at you over tithing, or more a cover to yell at you about the fact you quit giving her monetary handouts six months ago.
No, you're simply a level-headed realist who can see a situation for what it is.

She never had any ill words to say to the OP about retiring early....as long as the "robbing-Jesus-to-pay-Paul" gravy train was flowing money to her. As the kaka has hit the fan over the past 6 months, the "friend" is desperate to get at least some money from somewhere, and her expected funds have probably not materialized like she expected - prompting her to more extreme and severe verbal attempts to manipulate the OP into tapping the cash flow spigot again.

Oh, she'll be back, that's for sure. With a much more calm 'apology' to the OP. She knows she was able to get money from her before, and she'll just try different avenues and different approaches to tug at her heartstrings.
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Old 02-23-2014, 02:53 PM   #25
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I walked this morning with my husband and related to him what was going on. He did advise me to leave her alone and that he had been telling me that. He told when she calls (and she will and has) to tell her if she can't speak to me with any kind of human courtesy to just not call back. I think I'm going to do that. I may be a wimp about some things but I'm good at taking advice.

One of the reasons that I am putting up with her is that within the past year I have lost two long time friends who I talked to everyday. One was a cousin who recently and suddenly died and the other someone I worked with. Although I have many friends, she is the only friend I have left who I talk to everyday. I'd often complained about them calling me all the time but when they were gone I realized how much I miss those calls.

I am an enabler, always have been. My family have talked to me about this repeatedly but always in an insulting way; like I'm just lying down and letting people walk over me. Although it might seem like it, I'm not a complete fool. What I do I choose to do and I don't give what I can't afford and I don't do it just because someone asks. But I admit, in this case I think I've made a mistake and in the process of trying to fix it, I have created a monster.
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Old 02-23-2014, 03:07 PM   #26
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Ok, I may be a cynic, but I wonder how much of the rant was directed at you over tithing, or more a cover to yell at you about the fact you quit giving her monetary handouts six months ago.
I think you are right about this. She has two situations occur that I would normally be Johnny on the spot with an open wallet. Honesty, I had to stop myself from giving her money. Especially when she started on "When something like this happens, you know who your real friends are."
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Old 02-23-2014, 03:56 PM   #27
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"When something like this happens, you know who your real friends are."
As the old saying goes..."A friend in need is a pest".
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:03 PM   #28
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I think you are right about this. She has two situations occur that I would normally be Johnny on the spot with an open wallet. Honesty, I had to stop myself from giving her money. Especially when she started on "When something like this happens, you know who your real friends are."
Good for you. You say you might be an enabler. It can be a good trait, with strong boundaries in place.

Have you ever reviewed something called the ' Karpman drama triagle'. It was helpful in our family work.
Best wishes,
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:13 PM   #29
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Maybe you should ask if she thinks that 10% will separate your friendship between heaven and hell. If so, do you really want such a short term relationship?
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:59 PM   #30
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No, you're simply a level-headed realist who can see a situation for what it is.

She never had any ill words to say to the OP about retiring early....as long as the "robbing-Jesus-to-pay-Paul" gravy train was flowing money to her. As the kaka has hit the fan over the past 6 months, the "friend" is desperate to get at least some money from somewhere, and her expected funds have probably not materialized like she expected - prompting her to more extreme and severe verbal attempts to manipulate the OP into tapping the cash flow spigot again.

Oh, she'll be back, that's for sure. With a much more calm 'apology' to the OP. She knows she was able to get money from her before, and she'll just try different avenues and different approaches to tug at her heartstrings.

Moore, you reminded me of a saying we used at our place at work that parallels, CO's situation.... Help a coworker with a task once it's called a favor. Help them twice, it permanently becomes YOUR job.
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Old 02-23-2014, 06:51 PM   #31
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You should surround yourself with people that you enjoy and who make you feel good about yourself. Life is to short to spend time with someone that is obviously trying to control you - that is not a friend.
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Old 02-24-2014, 10:48 AM   #32
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This "friend" sounds bat-sh!t crazy to me. And bat-sh!t crazy gets shown the door.

If anybody ever talked that way to me, I'd NEVER (and I mean NEVER) have anything else to do with them. Doesn't matter if we were childhood friends and I knew them my whole life.

Real friends don't act that way. Period.

My vote? Time to show this person the exit and let them go their own separate way.
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