Adult Children vs Retirement Planning

[6miths]

As potto0213 describes, there are always going to be exceptional circumstances.

[ckelly78z]

We plan to change the way we treat our kids from the way our parents had treated us financially. My parents just plain didn't help with anything (school, home down payment, grandkids...nothing). Her parents kept a notebook of what she spent throughout her late teen/early 20s years that they expected to be paid back. We delayed this (not believing they were serious) until we sold our first home at age 30. We then had to write them a $3000 check out of the house proceeds before we could buy our next home. My MIL has been a nickle watcher for years, and drives us crazy with her cheapness.

[Jeffman52]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry We have helped our kids in small ways when younger as my parents did for us. But supporting them no way.

+1

My wife and I have helped our children in small ways as well but overall, we think its important for them to learn to be independent adults that pay their own bills and find their own way in life.

We have also told them to not expect any windfall/inheritance when we die. We will not be setting aside money to leave them an inheritance. However we will have a plan for how our remaining assets are doled out if there is money left when we die.

[Sunset]

I have 2 relatives both of which I'd call sponges.

One sponged off his parents his entire life, they paid for his education which ended when he dropped out. they paid for nursing school which he dropped out. They paid for his house, the repairs on his house. They gave him cars when he lost his due to drunk driving. they gave him more cars. They gave him a business. They gave him $$$ . The list goes on and on for decades.

This didn't affect their retirement as they were "comfortable".
He finally stopped being a sponge, because he died at age 62.

My other relative is also a sponge, in her 60's, unfortunately for her the parents were not rich and left only a small inheritance. She blew through 2 inheritances. She has not a penny to her name, always looking for a new friend she can take advantage of, or get something for free. I've come to the conclusion she is a sociopath, and has left quite a trail of discarded friends over the years.

Some people just never grow independent and responsible, and the question becomes at what point does a parent/relative stop helping/enabling the lifestyle.

[jollystomper]

We just look at it situation to situation and try to discern what is help vs. what is enabling. What should be gifts vs what should be a loan.

We have STRONGLY let them know that as adults we do not expect or desire them to be living in our home. We have done everything in our power to lay a foundation for them to do that, and have been willing to provide a "launch" gift to get them started. So far they are all out and none have the desire to do that. Of course, if a situation comes up we will be flexible, but let it be known this is a temporary situation. DW has a sibling now in his 50s who is living with their mother and has never lived on his own except when the mother was paying for it, which she can no longer do. There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him, but her parents never really challenged him to be on his own, so he feels no need to be. That is the situation I want to avoid with our kids.

If we get unexpected money, we are happy to gift some of it to them. Our share of the proceeds from the sale of my parents house well exceeded what we expected, and we shared some of this with our kids. Again, we try to stress that gifts are based on situations that occur, and should not be expected.

[candrew]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ckelly78z Her parents kept a notebook of what she spent throughout her late teen/early 20s years that they expected to be paid back. We delayed this (not believing they were serious) until we sold our first home at age 30. We then had to write them a $3000 check out of the house proceeds before we could buy our next home. My MIL has been a nickle watcher for years, and drives us crazy with her cheapness.

Damn! Not only cheap, that's harsh.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by candrew Damn! Not only cheap, that's harsh.

It suggests mental health issues, but doesn't make any easier for her family to deal with.

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ckelly78z We plan to change the way we treat our kids from the way our parents had treated us financially. My parents just plain didn't help with anything (school, home down payment, grandkids...nothing). Her parents kept a notebook of what she spent throughout her late teen/early 20s years that they expected to be paid back. We delayed this (not believing they were serious) until we sold our first home at age 30. We then had to write them a $3000 check out of the house proceeds before we could buy our next home. My MIL has been a nickle watcher for years, and drives us crazy with her cheapness.

Incredible... she didn't charge interest

Seriously, those parents are pretty cheap and weird.

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Byb747 What makes a "successful" child? Im sure there are many personal definitions. I feel that my kids should be educated, at least a 4 year degree, have a job that at minimum can support themselves (but my heart says they should have above average jobs) and lastly they should be good people. Thoughts?

If they are good people and can support themselves then that is enough for me... especially today where there seem to be many more failures to launch than when I was that age.

DD would easily meet Byb747's definition.... DS decided not to continue his education but is working full-time and living on his own, LBYM and saving money (has more saved than many adults his age or older) and is a pretty good guy.

IMO, an advanced education and above average jobs/pay would a cherry on top (and both DW and I have masters degrees).

P.S. About 10 years ago, DS was floundering around a bit and moved back in to take a breath... the deal was that he paid us $400/month in rent and obeyed the rules of the house (which he did)... the other part of the deal was that when he moved out he could get all that he paid in rent back in a lump sum... the "freedom fund" as we jokingly called it is a powerful motivation to move out once it has a substantial sum in it... it is also practical in that it can help fund any upfront costs of moving into an apartment.

[Teacher Terry]

My mom watched my kids a lot so I could attend college. I never would have gotten through 2 degrees without her. In return I helped her care for my dad.

[Dash man]

We’re helping out our two boys. One is doing okay on his own. The other has been struggling. We got him through school, but hasn’t been able to successfully launch. He married and they now have twins. He had to quit working because childcare for twins is more than he was making. The mom is the breadwinner of the two, but still tight. We let them move into our rental because their former place was too small. They pay us what they can, but it doesn’t cover the fixed costs. We had to get them a reliable and safe car to allow the mom to get to work, and for carrying the twins to see us. [emoji16] We help our other son too trying to keep things even, although the value of the townhouse will be part of one son’s inheritance.

[Animorph]

I do have concerns that it became normal for both spouses to work, and they almost have to now. My DW managed to work while going to the state university in order to pay for her education. I don't see how that is possible without a substantial scholarship now, at least at that same university.

It could well be that families will have to start working together even more after the kids graduate in order to get them started. Maybe the kids will have to work for 5 years and save everything before they can afford entry level transportation and housing. Probably has been the case in some countries forever, but new to us.

This could be just an indicator of what the future will be like. Although yeah, my sister's kids would benefit greatly from being cut off from their parent's wallets.

Our kids have been fine, able to match my life trajectory after college fairly well. We tell them we're happy to have their backs if something goes south, but not to expect any substantial freebies.

[HadEnuff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry Hadenuff, if you gave them home down payments I would call that big not small. My FIL borrowed us the down payment for our first home which we paid back but no interest. Nothing wrong with helping kids if you can afford it and they are responsible because they will likely inherit it some day anyways. But enabling a adult child to not have to work, etc is not doing them any favors.

We didn't totally fund the down payment, just gave them a nudge. One of the points in "Millionaire Next Door" was the danger of helping kids get into a neighborhood they couldn't afford by themselves, without help, because eventually the kids will feel the pressure of keeping up with the Joneses, which can be in the form of nicer cars, fancier social engagements or clubs, or even harder to fend off, the pressure from the kids when all of their friends are doing stuff that their parents can't afford.

I thought long and hard about that, and discussed it with the kids. I decided they'd be OK. I also explained there would be no bail out if they screw it up. I think they believed me. I hope they believed me. They are acting as if they believed me.

[Teacher Terry]

My husband’s 2 kids have bought homes. My 3 all prefer to rent. They prefer to spend their money on travel.

[HadEnuff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry My husband’s 2 kids have bought homes. My 3 all prefer to rent. They prefer to spend their money on travel.

Does that bother you at all?

[ncbill]

What surprises me is the parents who just let their kids vegetate at home.

One guy I know has let his son just hang out at home for the past couple of years following high school graduation, which usually doesn't turn out to well, e.g.:

My old college roommate is having to come back home to the U.S. after 20+ years working overseas to care for his aging mother, despite having a younger brother who has lived with mom all that time.

[nhcycling]

Guilty. We are generous with our 3. Undergraduate paid for. Private high school for 2 of the 3. Cars when they were 16. Helped with grad school. Still helping youngest with med school. Throwing them cash once in while for this or that. Weddings. House down payments. We can so we do. I just didn’t want them ever have to struggle like I had to, basically on my own since I was 16. They turned out to be responsible adults. Sure we could’ve banked it and I could’ve had a more substantial amount socked away. You can’t take it with you.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nhcycling Guilty. We are generous with our 3. Undergraduate paid for. Private high school for 2 of the 3. Cars when they were 16. Helped with grad school. Still helping youngest with med school.

Those, to me, are all investments and help getting them launched. I wouldn't do it if it jeopardized my retirement but I did all of those for DS except that he didn't go to grad school. I also paid to keep him on my company health insurance for about 6 months till his employer took him on FT.

He and DDIL haven't asked for a dime since except when they bought a bigger house. DS asked if I'd consider gifting or loaning them $7-$10K and I just gave them $10K. It was a good move- they were outgrowing the old house and the new one is a big improvement but sensible. I'm also working on funding the grandkids' 529s but my top financial priority is not outliving my savings and they know that.

I think if you do too much for adult kids you take away their own sense of accomplishment. DS and DDIL don't live like millionaires but what they have, they pretty much built/earned themselves.

This is similar to how my parents treated us; they paid for our education and then we were on our own except for a few down payment loans. I was HAPPY to move out; my parents were mean and I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends over for sleepovers.

[HadEnuff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ncbill What surprises me is the parents who just let their kids vegetate at home. One guy I know has let his son just hang out at home for the past couple of years following high school graduation, which usually doesn't turn out to well, e.g.: My old college roommate is having to come back home to the U.S. after 20+ years working overseas to care for his aging mother, despite having a younger brother who has lived with mom all that time.

a few years ago step-son (who couldn't be bothered when in high school to study, or go to trade school) admitted that he needed to move back in. I said "OK, maybe, but first there will be a conversation among you, your mom and I and what will be discussed will be the rules of the house, when you will be home by, quiet hours, you will turn your skateboard over to your mom because you will have no time to use it. You will work two jobs, whatever two jobs you can find, and you will turn over all the paychecks to your mom, and we will have a clear exit strategy."

That conversation never happened. He found another way to make his life work out.
I love him, but I don't want to live with him.

[Dtail]

My DS lived with me for 2 years after he dropped out of college. Not going to happen again.