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Old 01-09-2008, 08:47 PM   #41
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Agree this is probably a troll (or possibly 2), but if 30 percent of OP's net income supports a family, then possibly he is in a higher tax bracket that will eat up spouse's income along with other work related expenses (after school childcare, cleaning services, commuting, etc.), not to mention non-financial costs to spouse returning to work. On the other hand she would be contributing to social security--
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Old 01-09-2008, 08:50 PM   #42
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I'm not going to give FINANCIAL advise, because what he needs is COUNSELING advice..............
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Old 01-09-2008, 08:52 PM   #43
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GP0S3Y may be right if the entire relationship is based purely on money. Consider the real issue - what does money mean to you and your wife? Why is it so important? Is it freedom to pursue other interests? Is it for security? Is it more important than friendship? Put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable.
Spanky,

My advice is correct when it is not based around money too. In fact, the OP was more about the development of resentment as a result of unequal burdens than it was about unequal income. That is what everyone here has failed to see. The OP was perfectly happy when the kids were still at home. Furthermore, from the sounds of it, even working full time the wife would not make as much as the husband.

Everyone in this thread lambastes the OP because God forbid he wants some equality in his relationship. While the OP should try to understand where his wife is coming from why should the wife not understand where he is coming from and work to reach a compromise?

This is not a money issue in the least. The OP has found himself married to a person who is selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring. He even allowed her to have a full year with little responsibility to relax while he slaved away at his job. The sense of her entitlement will only grow with age. This is one of the situations where the cliche cut your losses makes sense.
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Old 01-09-2008, 08:56 PM   #44
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I second [third?] going to see a counselor. DW and I were at each other throats constantly about little things, and weren't communicating very well. Her EAP psychologist helped us tremendously and also gave us action plans that have actually worked well. For some reason saying "This [thing you do or don't do] is freakin' killing me" with the psychologist led to much more discussions/breakthroughs than saying the same thing over the kitchen table.

- Alec
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Old 01-09-2008, 08:58 PM   #45
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Spanky,

My advice is correct when it is not based around money too. In fact, the OP was more about the development of resentment as a result of unequal burdens than it was about unequal income. That is what everyone here has failed to see. The OP was perfectly happy when the kids were still at home. Furthermore, from the sounds of it, even working full time the wife would not make as much as the husband.

Everyone in this thread lambastes the OP because God forbid he wants some equality in his relationship. While the OP should try to understand where his wife is coming from why should the wife not understand where he is coming from and work to reach a compromise?

This is not a money issue in the least. The OP has found himself married to a person who is selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring. He even allowed her to have a full year with little responsibility to relax while he slaved away at his job. The sense of her entitlement will only grow with age. This is one of the situations where the cliche cut your losses makes sense.
Talk about trolls. And how many times have you been "visited" by the fuzz for spousal abuse?
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:01 PM   #46
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Do NOTHING like what you are suggesting.

DO NOT mention this to your wife in any way.

You are confused about what you want and what you value. Your childish notion that what she's doing "isn't fair" may say a lot about how unhappy you are about something, but it isn't anything to do with your wife not working.

My suggestion would be to do some thinking and maybe some counseling to figure out what you want - not what you want someone else to do. Then, be very grateful you didn't act on these ridiculous divorce ideas.

Your state may be different, but many states would not be in the least concerned about the amicable divorce. Children's interests are protected regardless of any agreement between parents. First you would be hit with everything you fear when you do the "just between us" divorce, then you would be at risk of getting a worse deal if you ever split up afterwards - plus court might be inclined to sock it to you because of your earlier duplicitous action. If wife gets a decent lawyer you will be in much worse position than even the worst scenario you posted. This is a recipe for disaster.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:02 PM   #47
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Troll?!? The poor guy's at work 24/7 supporting his family.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:19 PM   #48
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I mean, if she's out shopping all day and comin' home drunk...then, yeah....
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:21 PM   #49
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If he's a troll, it was good cheap entertainment for us.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:23 PM   #50
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I am going to disagree with just about every person who has posted in this forum.

You should divorce your wife immediately!

The longer you wait the more it will cost you. Fight for custody of the kids and you can enjoy raising them and not pay child support.
You would put OP's financial position ahead of the emotional welfare of his kids?
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:26 PM   #51
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You are confused about what you want and what you value.
Agreed - he needs to find out what's really troubling him since an increase in household income seems not needed. It's possible that he finds his own work not fulfilling.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:33 PM   #52
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Go ahead, tell her about the "alternative" divorce. When she sees an attorney about getting a real divorce, he'll probably tell her that she can live pretty much as she is now...with half of your $ assets, the house and probably 25-30% of your salary that you'll have to continue giving to her until the kids are grown.

Let's see, how much $ will she get from "your" savings, investments, 401k, IRA, etc...maybe enough to have a nice nest egg for her own retirement since she is go good at LBYM herself.

Yep, pursuing that "alternative" divorce seems like a good idea to me.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:56 PM   #53
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here are some things to consider:

- should your wife return to work full-time, you may end up spending a good proportion of your income on hired help, prepared meals, and eating out. B/c surely you wouldn't expect your wife to excel at a professional job, PLUS shuttle the kids around, PLUS make meals from scratch, PLUS run a household, PLUS commute.

- maybe you could find a job you love.

- what if your wife returned to work, then met someone at work that valued her for who she was and convinced her to leave you?

- women of the professional level, in my experience, tend to look skeptically on men that value them for their earnings potential. Just something to keep in mind post divorce when looking for another servant spouse.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:16 PM   #54
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You know how Joe Biden said that Rudy G. only mentions 3 things in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11. Likewise, virtually every post by unclemick has "pssst - wellesley" in some form or another.

- Alec
Maybe Unclemick is a man of few words. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You might get more then a few words out of him if you played him the song Red Necks, White Socks, & Blue Ribbon Beer by Johnny Russell.


Maybe this HK1970 needs to take Leonardo's old or soon to be ex-girlfriend.

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Old 01-09-2008, 11:07 PM   #55
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I suspect that either the OP isn't really saving 70% consistently year in and year out, or there are other bigger issues in the relationship that haven't been revealed.

The lack of details makes it impossible to give good advice, and that's why there are so many people giving harsh advice.

But taking the original post at face value I'll give a stab...
If you really are saving 70% that means your wife is consuming perhaps 10% of your salary to stay at home, and if that is the only issue in your marriage then assuming you work a 50 hour week she's consuming five of your working hours per week.

So for equality how about having her do 5 hours of your chores a week in addition to her doing most of the work of raising the kids. If your main issue is feeling burned out from burning the candle at both ends, then having her give you 5 extra hours of relaxation a week should equalize things, and might be more palatable to her than going back to work.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:21 PM   #56
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The OP has found himself married to a person who is selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring. He even allowed her to have a full year with little responsibility to relax while he slaved away at his job. The sense of her entitlement will only grow with age. This is one of the situations where the cliche cut your losses makes sense.
To hell with their kids, full speed ahead, and damn the torpedos, you say? "Cut your losses" you say?

You haven't even heard the spouse's side of the story, and yet you condemn her as "selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring"?

How long have your marriages lasted?
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:25 PM   #57
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They say a truly rich person is someone who understands the value of things.

When someone gives you a compliment, listens to you unload what's bothering you, gives you a massage, gives good advice, gives you sex love, these things can have a tangible value. If your wife is giving you enough of these things for 10% of your salary, that's a pretty good deal. If she's not giving you enough, then that's the real issue that needs to be addressed.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:45 PM   #58
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Why not just create an agreement that states what will happen if you guys ever get divorced? State what everybody gets and what custody arrangements will be and all of that.

if anything happens, there is nothing to go to court to decide since its all in the agreement.

Seems like a marriage killer either way.

What the hell is the problem with the wife not working anyways? Sounds like a traditional deal.
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Old 01-10-2008, 12:18 AM   #59
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She takes care of all housework, childcare and other home making. She is willing to cooperate with saving 70% of the household income. Sounds pretty good to me.

Post a picture, so maybe I can snap her up before Leonardo comes for her.
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Old 01-10-2008, 12:23 AM   #60
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Ladies and gentlemen- do we have a troll here?
Hmmm. 70% says yes.
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