Alternative to Divorce?

HK, you have a very black and white view of the world. You say you love your wife, but the tone of your post makes me really wonder. It's all about dollars. And if you must put it in economic terms, consider the value of the complex and valuable work that your wife does: managing the home and raising children. There have been many economic studies of the financial value of this work. In 2006, Salary.com valued the work of a full time stay at home mom at $134,121 per annum. If your wife did not do this work, who would?

Personally I think you need to give your head a shake. You got it GOOD, man!

What Is Mom Worth? Working Mom Vs. Stay At Home Mom
 
i agree w/ the consensus here - I think you are very stressed out but perhaps out of sync with the reality of the situation.

come over to my house, see the pile of dishes and laundry and you will see what happens when a you have two working parents - then deduct child care (we don't pay any cuz of my parents help) and prob some loss in emotional or educational development in your kids if they don't get as much attention as they do now...

i come near a personal breakdown a couple times a year, the feminists had it wrong (not their fault) we can't do it all and doing it all SUCKS!

if your home is well kept, kids are happy and safe - you should start working on being grateful!

if you are saving 70% of your income, than she at least is not squandering it away...be grateful for that too...

you are seeing your side only, that takes the "relate" out of relationship...
 
It sounds like you're focusing too much on making and saving $. This focus may be the source of your anger and perceived notion that your wife is not contributing financially to your marriage. It seems that your wife is enjoying life. Maybe you should stop and smell the roses as well. Perhaps counseling would help, but I don't believe a counselor would recommend your plan.
 
Like what others have said, if money is not the issue, why are you resenting her desire of not working? A relationship is all about sharing, giving and caring for each other. It's not about contributing your fair share. It's also about respect -- respecting her desire not to work. Even though she is not bringing income to the household, she contributes significantly. She provides emotional support and comfort. She takes care of the children and the house. IMHO, get over that fact that she needs to contribute financially or engage in a healthy and open communication with your wife about your discontent and work out a solution.
 
I am going to disagree with just about every person who has posted in this forum.

You should divorce your wife immediately!

The longer you wait the more it will cost you. Fight for custody of the kids and you can enjoy raising them and not pay child support.

Your wife is being parasitic. It was understandable when the kids were home, but now she should be expected to work at least part time while the kids are at school. It is wrong of her to not try to ease your burden.

I will have to disagree with everyone saying how hard her job is. If her job was really hard, then there would not be so many single people who are able to hold down jobs, cook, clean, do laundry, and grocery shop. The fact is that her job probably requires about 10-15 hours of real work a week. Since the kids are at work most of the time the kids are home the OP is probably home too!

The idea that a mom's job is worth $100,000+ a year is ridiculous. Salary.com did that as a feel-good political move. I would expect more from a financial forum. If a SAHM was really worth $100,000 then they would be paid $100,000 on the open market. Furthermore, saying that a SAHM is comparable to a CEO or an accountant is ludicrous. That is like comparing an average joe to an engineer when he changes a light bulb. If a SAHM functions as a CEO, then a recommend this guys wife to go apply to be the CEO of Wal-Mart and all these problems will go away.
 
GP0S3Y said:
I am going to disagree with just about every person who has posted in this forum.

You should divorce your wife immediately!

The longer you wait the more it will cost you. Fight for custody of the kids and you can enjoy raising them and not pay child support.

Your wife is being parasitic. It was understandable when the kids were home, but now she should be expected to work at least part time while the kids are at school. It is wrong of her to not try to ease your burden.

I will have to disagree with everyone saying how hard her job is. If her job was really hard, then there would not be so many single people who are able to hold down jobs, cook, clean, do laundry, and grocery shop. The fact is that her job probably requires about 10-15 hours of real work a week. Since the kids are at work most of the time the kids are home the OP is probably home too!

The idea that a mom's job is worth $100,000+ a year is ridiculous. Salary.com did that as a feel-good political move. I would expect more from a financial forum. If a SAHM was really worth $100,000 then they would be paid $100,000 on the open market. Furthermore, saying that a SAHM is comparable to a CEO or an accountant is ludicrous. That is like comparing an average joe to an engineer when he changes a light bulb. If a SAHM functions as a CEO, then a recommend this guys wife to go apply to be the CEO of Wal-Mart and all these problems will go away.
Click to expand...


Let me guess ? You are in your 20's and single !
 
Really ?

Psssst - Wellesley.

And you can quote me on that! :D

heh heh heh - ;) To curmudgeon or not to curmudgeon that is the question - whether it is nobler to ---------- :cool:.
 
A854321 said:
Ladies and gentlemen- do we have a troll here?
Click to expand...

Regardless if he is a troll or not. I decided a while ago that while I am delighted to dispense advise, and more than willing to charge exactly what is worth 0... even I have standards. Poster with one post don't get more than one paragraph.
 
Rich_in_Tampa said:
Huh?
Click to expand...

You know how Joe Biden said that Rudy G. only mentions 3 things in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11. Likewise, virtually every post by unclemick has "pssst - wellesley" in some form or another.

- Alec
 
GP0S3Y may be right if the entire relationship is based purely on money. Consider the real issue - what does money mean to you and your wife? Why is it so important? Is it freedom to pursue other interests? Is it for security? Is it more important than friendship? Put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable.
 
Agree this is probably a troll (or possibly 2), but if 30 percent of OP's net income supports a family, then possibly he is in a higher tax bracket that will eat up spouse's income along with other work related expenses (after school childcare, cleaning services, commuting, etc.), not to mention non-financial costs to spouse returning to work. On the other hand she would be contributing to social security--
 
I'm not going to give FINANCIAL advise, because what he needs is COUNSELING advice..............
 
GP0S3Y may be right if the entire relationship is based purely on money. Consider the real issue - what does money mean to you and your wife? Why is it so important? Is it freedom to pursue other interests? Is it for security? Is it more important than friendship? Put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable.
Click to expand...

Spanky,

My advice is correct when it is not based around money too. In fact, the OP was more about the development of resentment as a result of unequal burdens than it was about unequal income. That is what everyone here has failed to see. The OP was perfectly happy when the kids were still at home. Furthermore, from the sounds of it, even working full time the wife would not make as much as the husband.

Everyone in this thread lambastes the OP because God forbid he wants some equality in his relationship. While the OP should try to understand where his wife is coming from why should the wife not understand where he is coming from and work to reach a compromise?

This is not a money issue in the least. The OP has found himself married to a person who is selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring. He even allowed her to have a full year with little responsibility to relax while he slaved away at his job. The sense of her entitlement will only grow with age. This is one of the situations where the cliche cut your losses makes sense.
 
I second [third?] going to see a counselor. DW and I were at each other throats constantly about little things, and weren't communicating very well. Her EAP psychologist helped us tremendously and also gave us action plans that have actually worked well. For some reason saying "This [thing you do or don't do] is freakin' killing me" with the psychologist led to much more discussions/breakthroughs than saying the same thing over the kitchen table. :eek:

- Alec
 
GP0S3Y said:
Spanky,

My advice is correct when it is not based around money too. In fact, the OP was more about the development of resentment as a result of unequal burdens than it was about unequal income. That is what everyone here has failed to see. The OP was perfectly happy when the kids were still at home. Furthermore, from the sounds of it, even working full time the wife would not make as much as the husband.

Everyone in this thread lambastes the OP because God forbid he wants some equality in his relationship. While the OP should try to understand where his wife is coming from why should the wife not understand where he is coming from and work to reach a compromise?

This is not a money issue in the least. The OP has found himself married to a person who is selfish, uncompromising, and uncaring. He even allowed her to have a full year with little responsibility to relax while he slaved away at his job. The sense of her entitlement will only grow with age. This is one of the situations where the cliche cut your losses makes sense.
Click to expand...

Talk about trolls. And how many times have you been "visited" by the fuzz for spousal abuse?:bat:
 
Do NOTHING like what you are suggesting.

DO NOT mention this to your wife in any way.

You are confused about what you want and what you value. Your childish notion that what she's doing "isn't fair" may say a lot about how unhappy you are about something, but it isn't anything to do with your wife not working.

My suggestion would be to do some thinking and maybe some counseling to figure out what you want - not what you want someone else to do. Then, be very grateful you didn't act on these ridiculous divorce ideas.

Your state may be different, but many states would not be in the least concerned about the amicable divorce. Children's interests are protected regardless of any agreement between parents. First you would be hit with everything you fear when you do the "just between us" divorce, then you would be at risk of getting a worse deal if you ever split up afterwards - plus court might be inclined to sock it to you because of your earlier duplicitous action. If wife gets a decent lawyer you will be in much worse position than even the worst scenario you posted. This is a recipe for disaster.
 
Troll?!? The poor guy's at work 24/7 supporting his family.
 
I mean, if she's out shopping all day and comin' home drunk...then, yeah....
 
If he's a troll, it was good cheap entertainment for us. :D
 
GP0S3Y said:
I am going to disagree with just about every person who has posted in this forum.

You should divorce your wife immediately!

The longer you wait the more it will cost you. Fight for custody of the kids and you can enjoy raising them and not pay child support.
Click to expand...

You would put OP's financial position ahead of the emotional welfare of his kids?
 
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