Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

[redduck]

Since you're asking for advice:

...1. Alternatively, date the ugly ones - they draw less attention from the outside and really appreciate the attention. Might be surprised by how much better your life is....

Sounds like your philosophy worked well for you.


And, for your listening pleasure we can put the philosophy to music:


https://youtu.be/z4TOR7856d4

 

[Gumby]

I met the young wife 35 years ago, when we were both college students and neither one of us had money to worry about. My first Christmas gift to her after we started dating was a rubber chicken. I had asked for advice from her college roommate and that's what I was told she wanted. In the days before Amazon, it was very, very difficult to locate such a thing, but I searched all over and found it. Her joy when she got that chicken (instead of a piece of jewelry or something) told me a lot about what she valued - thoughtfulness and attention to her, rather than money. We have now been married for 31 years and she still has the chicken. (as an aside, she was also the smokin' hot one).

For the OP, another thing that can help you find out if she is more interested in you or your money is to suggest activities that cost nothing or very little. Is she just as happy to go on a picnic to the park as to a restaurant? Will she ride a bike with you or go for a hike simply to enjoy your company? If there must be money spent for her to have a good time, it is a warning for you to tread carefully.

 

[EastWest Gal]

There is no need to share your finances until just before you marry. Do share goals and dreams when it gets serious. One thing DH did when we were courting was start a "game" of asking each other questions like, do you want kids, how many, what are your career goals, political philosophy (not party!) spiritual beliefs, etc. It was very helpful as our relationship/engagement were long distance and long (engaged 3+ years).

We were able to discover how alike we were in ways people don't talk about very much, and it let me know he was very serious about me.

Also, since you LBYM you probably won't look like you have any $$ anyway, if you don't talk about it.

BTW, I agree, you dodged a bullet. There are a lot of us women who don't care for bling or partying. You won't find such women by going to parties. Join a hiking club or a bicycling group, or other activity group to meet sensible women.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[JoeWras]

There is no need to share your finances until just before you marry. Do share goals and dreams when it gets serious. One thing DH did when we were courting was start a "game" of asking each other questions like, do you want kids, how many, what are your career goals, political philosophy (not party!) spiritual beliefs, etc. It was very helpful as our relationship/engagement were long distance and long (engaged 3+ years).

Yes. When I said share details when it gets serious, this is what I meant. Not necessarily hard numbers. But goals. DW and I shared philosophies on debt, retirement saving, etc. You need to be of one kind.

From long dating, you'll know the other stuff. Is she/he stuck on money, vanity, toys, etc. What does he/she really value?

Oh, and consider the baby of the family. They usually have not been coddled to death by mom and dad and know the realities of life.

 

[Badger]

For the OP, another thing that can help you find out if she is more interested in you or your money is to suggest activities that cost nothing or very little. Is she just as happy to go on a picnic to the park as to a restaurant? Will she ride a bike with you or go for a hike simply to enjoy your company? If there must be money spent for her to have a good time, it is a warning for you to tread carefully.

+1

I found this to be so true. It also let me know if she was interested in the same activities to enjoy life.

When starting to date again after a divorce I was on a limited budget so my first few dates with women were often meeting after work for happy hour, for lunch, or (my favorite and somewhat more novel approach) for Saturday breakfast. A little different atmosphere than usual and a shorter but enough time together to know if I was interested in pursuing things any further.

When dating in college I never had the means to go out to dinner. It was fraternity parties or out to a pub for a beer and pizza or some free peanuts. A 10 year marriage after grad school ended when our 2 incomes as teachers and me working a second job at night couldn't provide her with enough "stuff". Five years later and a little wiser I met my present wife of 28 years. We share the same views on most everything (we have never had an argument about money) and life has been great since we met.

For what it's worth we don't discuss our financial situation with any of the family much less friends.

I also have reservations about lending or gifting money to friends. I have never been asked but I have been tempted to help my closest friend when he ran into some tough times. It can create problems either way when it creates a sense of obligation. I don't want to lose the few close friends I have.

Cheers!

 

[athena53]

As the others have said, you dodged a bullet. I married someone like that. Most of our resources went towards his "wants" and it got worse when he lost his job and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage. More time to spend money. When all his credit cards maxed out, he started using mine and hid the bills form me. (This was before on-line account access.)

So, when I divorced, I was really cautious. I remarried 7 years later, but we dated 6 years. You may not want to wait that long, but during that time it was clear to me that while current DH was a man of modest means with little savings, he didn't have credit card debt, he lived on less than he made, and his bills were paid. He had decent equity in a modest house. (In northern NJ that's a big deal.) I'm happy to say almost 12 years later that he was a good choice. We have very similar values so we generally agree when to open up the wallet and do something extravagant and it usually has something to do with travel.

There are women out there who share your values. I hope you find one in good time!

 

[Texas Proud]

Since you're asking for advice:

1. Keep the "cute girl" to yourself. You should have learned there is no payoff in advertising it. Alternatively, date the ugly ones - they draw less attention from the outside and really appreciate the attention. Might be surprised by how much better your life is.
2. Share your philosophy about money, but not your personal numbers. You'll learn a lot from the reaction.
3. Learn what you can about how your intended was raised. If her parents treated her like a princess, she'll expect you to do the same - just like daddy. If she had to work for things like her car or education, you're more likely to have similar values.
4. At this stage in your life, anyone who asks or expects you to pay for anything more than dinner and a movie is a parasite. Squash them as quick as you can.

Reading some responses #4 stands out... do not get caught up in 'helping' pay for their rent, utilities, etc. etc. when you are dating.... even after awhile...

Also look out for 'dry begging'.... people who know how to manipulate your feelings can use this to their benefit...

For the people who do not know what this is...

DRY BEGGING - Definition #1: "To ask for in an indirect and roundabout way. Dropping vague hints that are not clear or straightforward in making a request."

Definition #2: "When someone doesn't actually ask you for something but they keep telling you about what they need hoping you would offer."

 

[Bestwifeever]

As many others said, no reason to share any information about your finances with others. I could see mentioning, for example, the laser eye surgery in conversation about contacts or glasses, but not in a million years would I mention the amount it cost or who paid for it (say you don't know how much it cost, you think your parents used their health insurance or something). Especially to college friends, who usually have a narrower frame of reference re finance than they will once they are out in the working world full time.

 

[Texas Proud]

Oh.... another person you need to look out for is the Gold Digger.... (I have heard both of these terms on Judge Mathis... need to give credit)...


GOLD DIGGER - Definition #1: "Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man."

Definition #2: "A woman who manipulates men to benefit from their labor, skills, or money without compensation. Often highly narcissistic exhibiting little compassion and thankfulness."



As an example.... back when I was young, my sister introduced me to a girl... we did not click at all... a couple of months later she found out that I owned my own house and she became interested.... asked my sister to talk to me.... I said 'no thanks.... it was only the house that made her interested'..... usually it is not this obvious, so you have to be careful...

 

[Htown Harry]

Lots of good advice here for FelipeA.

But I wouldn't advise a 22-year-old to take every tip posted here literally in all situations.

You want to find someone who can delay gratification.

 

[John Galt III]

I like having strict rules about money in relationships, and not being ashamed to want to keep one's own hard-earned money. Some women seem to equate receiving your money with receiving your love. The ex-wife assumed I didn't love her since I resented paying for her to stay home and watch TV. I made the money rules very clear to new GF and we have had our problems, but not money problems, and are still together many years later.

 

[haha]

I like having strict rules about money in relationships, and not being ashamed to want to keep one's own hard-earned money. Some women seem to equate receiving your money with receiving your love. The ex-wife assumed I didn't love her since I resented paying for her to stay home and watch TV. I made the money rules very clear to new GF and we have had our problems, but not money problems, and are still together many years later.

Could it be at least in part because she is a GF rather than a wife? If you have been careful, a GF cannot levy the huge exit fee that a wife often can.

Ha

 

[gauss]

Million Dollar Idea of the week:

How about a dating site specializing in catering to frugal people.

• "Millionare Next Door" - required reading.
• Posting on Mr. Money Mustache - check

Unfortunately the pool of qualified applicants may be small (and according to DW not gender balanced), but hey the Internet is suppose to be good at developing "Long Tail" activities.

Okay, who is going to leave ER and develop it?

-gauss

"Anyone, Bueller, .. Bueller"

 

[frayne]

Not to sound superficial but can we see a picture of her before we post ?

 

[redduck]

I have a hunch she doesn't look like this because sometimes money just isn't all that important in deciding whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life with.

 

[haha]

This woman is a bit severe looking for me. I pass.

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

Well, depends on how ugly...who really wants someone who is pathetically "grateful" for your attention? I wouldn't! I want someone who's secure in themselves, and also thinks I'm terrific, and shows it.

As far as looks are concerned, I advise looking past women's artificial enhancements (hair color/extensions, make-up, fake anything), but holding out for a well-proportioned body, which indicates someone who takes good care of herself...which can make a financial difference over time.

As far as "princesses" and such, I believe mates should treat one another as kings and queens - not one mate doing all the "treating" while the other one just takes.

Amethyst

Si
1. Keep the "cute girl" to yourself. You should have learned there is no payoff in advertising it. Alternatively, date the ugly ones - they draw less attention from the outside and really appreciate the attention. .

 

[simple girl]

Well, depends on how ugly...who really wants someone who is pathetically "grateful" for your attention? I wouldn't! I want someone who's secure in themselves, and also thinks I'm terrific, and shows it.

As far as looks are concerned, I advise looking past women's artificial enhancements (hair color/extensions, make-up, fake anything), but holding out for a well-proportioned body, which indicates someone who takes good care of herself...which can make a financial difference over time.

As far as "princesses" and such, I believe mates should treat one another as kings and queens - not one mate doing all the "treating" while the other one just takes.

Amethyst

+1

 

[haha]

The Ugly Wife is a Treasure at Home

https://alumni.columbia.edu/node/984246

Not sure about this, but there might be something to be said for it.

As far as looks are concerned, I advise looking past women's artificial enhancements (hair color/extensions, make-up, fake anything), but holding out for a well-proportioned body, which indicates someone who takes good care of herself...which can make a financial difference over time.

How likely is it that a man would need outside advice in how to pick an attractive woman? Usually he will take the one who appeals to him most strongly, and for whom he is qualified. There is a nomogram that says what combination of a man's physical, social and financial appeal will let him play in what dating league, and men and women mostly understand this.

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

And while we're looking to Communist China for cultural advice on anything ....

Better yet, take the founding patriot, Ben Franklin's advice and go for an ugly older woman:

Benjamin Franklin, Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745)

https://alumni.columbia.edu/node/984246

Not sure about this, but there might be something to be said for it.

Ha

 

[haha]

And while we're looking to Communist China for cultural advice on anything ....

Better yet, take the founding patriot, Ben Franklin's advice and go for an ugly older woman:

Not a bad idea for a 25 year old, but I am getting a bit long in the tooth for this tactic.

 

[redduck]

I have a hunch she doesn't look like this because sometimes money just isn't all that important in deciding whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life with.

This woman is a bit severe looking for me. I pass.

Ha

I met her once (a very long time ago) at my tailor's. She was actually quite pleasant and didn't ask me for anything. Made my decade. Don't you know who she is?

 

[Amethyst]

True, but since the OP is early 20's, I guess old Ben will be right on target! Especially the part about putting a basket over her head. I mean, once you have managed to degrade a woman to that level, there should be no more nonsense about her asking you for anything, let alone financial help.

Amethyst

Not a bad idea for a 25 year old, but I am getting a bit long in the tooth for this tactic.

 

[steelyman]

True, but since the OP is early 20's, I guess old Ben will be right on target! Especially the part about putting a basket over her head. I mean, once you have managed to degrade a woman to that level, there should be no more nonsense about her asking you for anything, let alone financial help.

Amethyst

Well said, as always.

 

[eta2020]

There is a nomogram that says what combination of a man's physical, social and financial appeal will let him play in what dating league, and men and women mostly understand this.

Ha

And what is nomogram for women?