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Old 04-20-2015, 03:37 PM   #61
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I think Felipe broke up with us.
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Old 04-20-2015, 03:40 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by Richard4444 View Post
Felipe - Whom you choose to marry is the biggest decision you will likely ever have to make in your life. Treat it with such importance. This is a decision that you will either live with the rest of your life, or will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Rich
Too bad you can't buy a 10 year put when you enter into a marriage. My guess is that a surprising number of them would be exercised.

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Old 04-20-2015, 06:17 PM   #63
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What you do is take the person out to a nice restaurant, and say "Order whatever you want." If she goes for the most expensive stuff on the menu and you mind that, then that should be a sign
Nah. That depends on whether she goes dutch or offers to pay for the entire meal.
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Old 04-21-2015, 12:05 AM   #64
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Thank you for all the responses and support. In reading them, I've felt a deeper peace to not contact her. She's sent me a few texts and calls, I've been able to not reply and let her go. I see very clearly now that we're not a match and I'm ready to cut my losses. I have a repulsion to marrying her at this point so I'm listening to that.

I realize I need to be more selective in the person's values and what they want to create for their life/what they're actually doing.

I'm already a strong proponent of older women and free dates. I met this ex in college, she was 24, the one before at a workshop, she was 32.

Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Some wonderful responses in here, thank you. I didn't think I'd get so clear about letting her go so quickly.

Excuse the delays in responding to everyone, I'm studying for calculus and physics midterms right now.
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Old 04-21-2015, 03:03 PM   #65
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Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money
I would never ask anyone to loan me money. You have to be a lower form of life to ask people to loan you money. Who does she think you are? Her dad?! I don't care if it's a chick. This is the way she will be for life. Marry this chick and she WILL be your dependent for life. I'm 50. I've known "borrowers" and they never change. Some are very adept at putting on the sad story and dropping the guilt trip on you if you refuse to loan them money.
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Old 04-21-2015, 03:28 PM   #66
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+1 There are rare exceptions. I've loaned money to people three times in 59 years and have been paid in full every time. One was to a close friend who was getting a divorce from his cheating wife and needed to borrow $3k to buy her out and get her out of his life. Even if he had not paid me back (which he did less than a year later) it would have been the best money that I ever spent to get that cheating lecherous witch out of my friend's life. I also have lent money to DD twice... I actually don't even recall the circumstances but she is good for it and earns good money and it was more of a timing thing as I recall and I never had any concerns about it. And interestingly, I haven't ever been approached for a loan that I can recall. Lucky I guess.
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Old 04-21-2015, 03:49 PM   #67
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Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Not exactly what I was thinking !
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Old 04-21-2015, 04:06 PM   #68
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Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Not exactly what I was thinking !
I think she is especially likely to be attracted by compost!
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Old 04-21-2015, 05:29 PM   #69
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I think Felipe broke up with us.
Too bad because I had one more bit of advice.

Remember, it is a downspout, not a compass.
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Old 04-21-2015, 07:18 PM   #70
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..My questions is- How do I deal with revealing/hiding my wealth to lovers and friends when they are in debt or haven't begun saving? And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?..


Thank you for your help,
-Felipe
When you are serious and been dating for awhile.
The way you view money can make or break a Relationship.

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.. how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?..
You will not have to if they don't know
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:38 AM   #71
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Hard to hide though where one is financially if you are not working for a living. If anything, I have to manage the perception down.


In dating I do tend to try and get a feel for how the financial world of someone works. The underlying values though are more important to me (LBYM as a principle specifically, and being relatively status indifferent/irreverent).
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Old 04-23-2015, 06:32 AM   #72
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One of my guilty pleasures is watching the reality courtroom shows when the episodes feature people who were in a relationship, broke up, and one sues the other for money they claimed they loaned, while the other claims the money was a gift, or was repaid in quid pro quo ways. A nice cautionary tale I discuss with our kids.

When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them, Their reaction seemed to reveal a lot about how they would likely handle (or mishandle) money in the long term. For example, if they need money for something do they try to come up with it on their own by either increasing their income or reducing their spending, or do they look for a loan or a gift from a parent, friend, or loved one? Or, if they do owe money to someone/some entity, how diligent are they paying it back and making them a priority?

The other interesting factor is how attracted or not they are to bright shiny things you have or don have. One reason I fell in love with DW was because she would rather hang out with me on cheap dates (picnic, walk/hike somewhere) than with the guys who had cars and wanted to take her to parties, trips, fancy dinners, etc. (she also sensed they were ultimately after something, if you know what I mean). Contrast this with a woman who would barely acknowledge my presence at a community center we both volunteered at, until one day I cam straight from work still in my suit and driving a new car I had bought earlier that day. Suddenly she came up with a scenario where I had to drive her home, and after that became quite visually and verbally flirtatious, also strongly hinting that we should date and named places it would be fun to go... fortunately I saw right through that.
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Old 04-23-2015, 07:51 AM   #73
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When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them,
This is key.

Life is unfair.

Amazing how some people think they are owed something because it is unfair. FillipeA's GF used this exact technique. It is a huge warning flag.
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Old 04-23-2015, 08:06 AM   #74
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One reason I fell in love with DW was because she would rather hang out with me on cheap dates (picnic, walk/hike somewhere) than with the guys who had cars and wanted to take her to parties, trips, fancy dinners, etc. (she also sensed they were ultimately after something, if you know what I mean).
And you weren't?
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Old 04-23-2015, 08:38 AM   #75
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When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them, Their reaction seemed to reveal a lot about how they would likely handle (or mishandle) money in the long term.
Great point. As I got to know DH when we were dating, I found that he'd taken in his elderly mother and taken good care of her when his sister decided she was too much trouble (he still speaks happily of those last days with her), he'd propped up a financially clueless GF in a previous relationship (she once called him because she was out of gas and had no money or credit card to refill), and he'd survived a long term of unemployment while still paying CS by liquidating his retirement savings and living off credit cards. He was pretty philosophical about it all and bore no resentment to anyone. It was a clear sign that he could stand on his own two feet. In a way, I'm happy to be able to provide a standard of living he never could have attained on his own (unless he married someone else with my finances) because he spent most of his life taking care of other people.
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Old 04-23-2015, 09:04 AM   #76
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Felipe - Whom you choose to marry is the biggest decision you will likely ever have to make in your life. Treat it with such importance. This is a decision that you will either live with the rest of your life, or will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Rich
+1
Felipe,
I am the mom of two young adults. My 21 year old has no where near your wealth, he's a jr in college and working while studying is hard for him so we encourage him to work less, study more.

Anyhoo, this is some of the advice I've give them.

1) 21,22, 23 are your formative years. It's really the time where you are discovering what YOU like and will be. Now I know there are folks who fell in love with their h.s. sweetie but if that's not you spend some time figuring out what brings you joy.

2) Take money out of the equation. very hard to do but try and figure out the underlying CHARACTERISTICS of the person. for example, when someone gets into a tight financial spot does he/she sit back, ask for a loan and then whine or do they get to figuring out how handle the emergency. One thing I love about my 24 year old, boyfriend will work. right now He's focusing on getting his own apartment, which in center city Philly can be a challenge.

3) take money out of the equation part two. skip the financial discussions for your "fiancee". why would a girlfriend need to know this information.

4) Now I disagree with some of the other posters in that financial/spending habits can and do change. I absolutely have a different attitude about money now that I am 55 then I did when I was 25. My late husband and I were wildly different. He was a better saver and I was a better shopper. our combination worked wonderful for us because we had similar goals and we supported each other's strong areas.
For example, my husband definitely let me spend the family money. on vacations, He knew that I am a bargain hunter extraordinaire. when we took vacations you better believe I got the best prices for flights, hotels and activities.
He was into the financial planning so that's where I let him excel.

Now my son's very much suffer from "long term itis". It's really hard for them to understand saving for retirement when they have many short term goals (own place, travel, girls). they both just recently got jobs that offered 401K's but I had to fight with them to get them to save at least 3%.

Enjoy your twenties,
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:06 PM   #77
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4) Now I disagree with some of the other posters in that financial/spending habits can and do change. I absolutely have a different attitude about money now that I am 55 then I did when I was 25. My late husband and I were wildly different. He was a better saver and I was a better shopper. our combination worked wonderful for us because we had similar goals and we supported each other's strong areas.
For example, my husband definitely let me spend the family money. on vacations, He knew that I am a bargain hunter extraordinaire. when we took vacations you better believe I got the best prices for flights, hotels and activities.
He was into the financial planning so that's where I let him excel.
Now your case may not be what I am going to describe, but I think this shows that spending habits *may* change, but only when forced to. If you're the cash cow, and your S.O. is happy that way, they are not going to change, no matter how much you try to make them change. I was that way for my ex (I was the cash cow), the only way I got her to change was to cut her off the CCs and force her to actually spend her earnings. All of a sudden she was much more aware of the cost of things.

Once you enable them you'll have a long fight to get them off the teat. I know I did .
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:12 PM   #78
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And you weren't?
No, I can say than honestly. I cared more about her friendship than a physical relationship. Having three sisters and seeing how guys tried to take advantage of them was one reason I chose the "gentleman" route when dating. Which, interestingly enough, tended to generate more interest from the other party.
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:15 PM   #79
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No, I can say than honestly. I cared more about her friendship than a physical relationship. Having three sisters and seeing how guys tried to take advantage of them was one reason I chose the "gentleman" route when dating. Which, interestingly enough, tended to generate more interest from the other party.

Thank you for valuing women for more than just their bodies! So refreshing!
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:20 PM   #80
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And you weren't?
Nope, he is purer than the driven snow. Why would a woman be interested in you if you weren't after something? She can have all the female friends anybody could ever need, platonic friendship is not what she needs from a man.

Ha
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