Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

[Calico]

Love the stories, I keep rereading to get more peace on letting her go. Ignoring her calls/texts was hard at first but easier now with each passing day. A new habit, like frugality once was

She threw me a curve ball last night but I have not and will not respond. 2 weeks ago she told me she has too many exams the last weekend in April for me to come down. She lives in San Diego (I'm in San Jose) and she texted me last night asking if she could drop by. I think she's staying at her ex-boss's and he flew her up here. Now I'm just hoping she doesn't drop by uninvited.

As I look more and more, I see her lacking character. I should've let her go a long time ago, I saw the character flaws scattered about, but I made every rationalization as I liked her a lot.

Again I really appreciate everyone here helping me see her more clearly. And also seeing the massive variety of people I can meet out there and which lend themselves towards financial independence.

Apparently it is sinking in on her end that she lost a good thing by losing you.

Stay strong, keep ignoring the texts, and I agree - you DO NOT have to answer the door. You really dodged a bullet here.

Trust me, in very short order she will latch onto the first guy she can find who is willing to pay her way.

You are still very young, and have plenty of time to find the right person to share your life with. You will know her when you find her - she will be interested in you, and not your bank account. In fact, she will be busy building her own bank account!

 

[karen1972]

like all things in relationships, you reveal things about yourself as the relationship grows. ie you should know each others fico's scores before you get engaged...and you will want to know what kind of debt they have "ballpark".. ie are you proposing to someone who is $200K in the hole? The first few dates, I think things come out.. I mean if you do something expensive and then do something more frugal. how do they react, do they offer to pay? when I dated someone who made 5 times my salary.. yeh he paid for more, but if we went to a nice dinner, I certainly could pay for the movie tickets after and I knew by his profession he made a lot, as I suggested other restaurants (nice but not $100/pp). Simple things like how do you feel about "groupons" says a lot about the person.. asking if they have a budget or where they see themselves in 5-10 years.. what type of vacations do you imagine?? what type of home? and how do they dress and where do they shop.. If your frugal and their buying name brand shoes and purses that cost $1k/each.. your not likely compatible.. or maybe they are like me and bought that $600 purse on an online rummage sale for $40 and are 'excited' about the deal. I remember one guy I dated who refused to let me pay for anything, so I of course asked more into his finances.. to find out he basically lived paycheck to paycheck.. so we were sitting at home on Friday night because he refused to let me pay and he was broke. I'm like you want to get married in a year and you have ZERO money in the bank? yeh that was the last time I saw him .. not sure how that wedding was going to get paid for but I pictured him proposing and me paying for my own ring later when the credit card bills still were not paid off.


Your right not to lend her money and she's wrong for asking...your not married and its not like she was getting evicted or something.

 

[travelover]

We have no reason to think that we have an objective look at this relationship. Big deal, she asked him to lend her some money. We on this board are fantastically tight with our cash. Not everyone would be happy with this, and not everyone would think that the lady is clearly at fault.

Ha

I'd love to hear her side of it.

 

[dallas27]

Am i the only one who read this thread (some) and thought, "who cares"? 20-something year old breaks up with girlfriend, news-at-11!


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Calico]

Am i the only one who read this thread (some) and thought, "who cares"? 20-something year old breaks up with girlfriend, news-at-11!

Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

Considering that there are more than 100 replies to the OP, and they are caring, thoughtful replies, rather than rude and unwelcoming ones, I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes, you are the only one.

 

[athena53]

Am i the only one who read this thread (some) and thought, "who cares"? 20-something year old breaks up with girlfriend, news-at-11!

Those of us who understand the magnitude of the bullet he dodged, especially when based on our personal experiences, do care.

 

[Amethyst]

A lot of young people (teens, 20's) are going Dutch these days, and I like the trend. It puts everyone on an even footing from the start. I remember trying to pay my share, and the young man acting offended that I would even offer. (We were around 20).

 

[Walt34]

I remember trying to pay my share, and the young man acting offended that I would even offer. (We were around 20).

If you're around my age (65) I would have been one of the offended ones. Back then it would have been like saying you didn't think I had the capability to pay for the date I asked you out on so you had to help pick up the tab.

Yes, it is a good thing that has changed.

 

[Livin Large in MT]

Yes, you definitely dodged a bullet. I have found over the years that sharing financial info is not to be done unless someone asks you for advice or for a perspective. You talk about lessons you have learned, about what your financial values are (such as minimizing debt, saving to buy instead of taking a loan to buy something, you know having the ability to defer your wants until you can pay for it... living within your means). Maybe if that goes well, you go into the value of saving money early in life because you understand the time/value of investing. That alone will give you a good idea if your prospective person is compatible. If they are up to their eyeballs in debt and looking for someone to "rescue" them, you need to walk away. You are dealing with a person with a "child like" relationship to money: someone waiting for a daddy to pay their way. You want a financial partner... doesn't mean they have to have a pile of money but they do have to be sensible and understanding with respect to how you accumulate wealth...together.

 

[FelipeA]

Loving all the confirmations that I'm free of a bullet wound I'd otherwise have for staying with her. She hasn't stopped calling/texting me every other day or so. I've kept ignoring, it's clear I don't want to spend more time with her. I feel so much freer and lighter now without her drama.

She's contacted me to get her bb gun back. I haven't replied. I'm thinking of dropping it off at her cousin's hair salon with her cousin and she'll eventually get it and figure out where it is. I could send her an email saying I left it there but I'd rather have 0 contact.

Any advice on giving her back the very last of her stuff? It's not worth more than $50 but I still want to give it back without seeing her.

I certainly enjoy the trend towards dutch these days. I don't need a perfect split but I want a partner whose willing to contribute and who I can build my stash side by side with.

 

[Totoro]

Any advice on giving her back the very last of her stuff? It's not worth more than $50 but I still want to give it back without seeing her.

Don't go overboard. You decided to continue without her, that's a given now.

Doesn't mean you cannot be still be nice and and give back her things in person. Unless she is a physical threat to you.

If not for her, think about the odds you'll run into her later in life. Or just about the kind of person you like to be in general.

Just to consider.

 

[ChiliPepr]

Ignoring her calls/texts was hard at first but easier now with each passing day. A new habit, like frugality once was

Probably would be a lot easier to man up and answer the phone and say "I have made up my mind, we are not going to be together and I have no interest in being friends. After this call I am putting you on ignore". And then do it.

 

[ChiliPepr]

If you're around my age (65) I would have been one of the offended ones. Back then it would have been like saying you didn't think I had the capability to pay for the date I asked you out on so you had to help pick up the tab.

Yes, it is a good thing that has changed.

I felt the same way, but when they offered I always told then that if they wanted to pay they would need to ask me out on a date!

 

[jollystomper]

Don't go overboard. You decided to continue without her, that's a given now.

Doesn't mean you cannot be still be nice and and give back her things in person. Unless she is a physical threat to you.

If not for her, think about the odds you'll run into her later in life. Or just about the kind of person you like to be in general.

Just to consider.

+1

You cannot ignore her forever. Contact her and agree to meet somewhere public to return her stuff. Stay pleasant, but firm, if this is what you have settled in your mind.

 

[travelover]

+1

You cannot ignore her forever. Contact her and agree to meet somewhere public to return her stuff. Stay pleasant, but firm, if this is what you have settled in your mind.

Agree - it is good practice. At age 22, this probably won't be the last you do this.

 

[Exrook]

Any advice on giving her back the very last of her stuff? It's not worth more than $50 but I still want to give it back without seeing her.

Box it up and ship it to her with no note.

 

[Music Lover]

She hasn't stopped calling/texting me every other day or so. I've kept ignoring, it's clear I don't want to spend more time with her. I feel so much freer and lighter now without her drama.

In many cases, if a male continually contacted a female who had broken up with him, she would not hesitate to charge him with stalking. I'm not saying she's gone that far yet, but it doesn't hurt to keep a record of her texts if things ever get ugly.

 

[LinCella]

FLGator - date the ugly ones? They are grateful? WOW.

 

[athena53]

I certainly enjoy the trend towards dutch these days. I don't need a perfect split but I want a partner whose willing to contribute and who I can build my stash side by side with.

When DH and I were dating we had the reverse situation: I made a lot more than he did. Rather than splitting every bill, we ended up with some unspoken rule that whoever did the inviting would pay. It worked very well; he did the inviting often enough that I didn't feel he was after me for my money. I was traveling a lot on business at the time and was a wizard at working the loyalty programs, so we went to Europe a lot with the hotel stays (and sometimes his flight) paid for by points. That left pretty reasonable out-of-pocket expenses and he picked up a good share of those.

They key, though, is finding someone who shares your values when it comes to finances (and other major things). Otherwise, NO system will work.

 

[Walt34]

+1

You cannot ignore her forever. Contact her and agree to meet somewhere public to return her stuff. Stay pleasant, but firm, if this is what you have settled in your mind.

Box it up and ship it to her with no note.

Either one of these will work. I'm more partial to jollystomper's method - you will have a face-to-face to make it clear the relationship is over.

 

[Amethyst]

I'm not 65, but yes, that was the idea, apparently.

I, on the other hand, was trying to live the feminist ideal that the woman should not be fragile, helpless, and needy. (FelipeA, are you listening? )

Now, my Dad, who was old enough to be my grandfather, was brought up on the idea that the man pays for the "pleasure of her company." No sexual innuendo intended...he meant it literally. It sounded quaint, and I probably squirmed to hear it, but the lesson came through loud and clear: Your company is valuable, in and of itself. (So is the man's, of course).

Amethyst

If you're around my age (65) I would have been one of the offended ones. Back then it would have been like saying you didn't think I had the capability to pay for the date I asked you out on so you had to help pick up the tab.

 

[Walt34]

I
Now, my Dad, who was old enough to be my grandfather, was brought up on the idea that the man pays for the "pleasure of her company." No sexual innuendo intended...he meant it literally. It sounded quaint, and I probably squirmed to hear it, but the lesson came through loud and clear: Your company is valuable, in and of itself. (So is the man's, of course).

Amethyst

That was exactly the phrase that was used - "The pleasure of her company" - and nothing else.

It was also drilled in that "The only part of a woman's anatomy at which a man may stare are her eyes".

 

[freebird5825]

She's contacted me to get her bb gun back. I haven't replied. I'm thinking of dropping it off at her cousin's hair salon with her cousin and she'll eventually get it and figure out where it is. I could send her an email saying I left it there but I'd rather have 0 contact.

Any advice on giving her back the very last of her stuff? It's not worth more than $50 but I still want to give it back without seeing her.

Um...um...I think it would be very unwise for you to carry any type of gun anywhere out in public these days. That could easily be misconstrued and lead to possible arrest. We live in crazy times.

Play it safe...send her the cash equivalent of the value of the BB gun, if she puts the request in writing.

 

[haha]

This young lady is obviously a huge threat to sanity, if not safety.

Call out the National Guard!

 

[FelipeA]

Thanks for all the ideas.

I broke up with her in January after it became overwhelmingly clear I couldn't trust her. I just kept talking to her since I really liked her.

I would bring the gun already wrapped and boxed, I called UPS and they said it's okay to ship over. (Don't know how I didn't think of shipping it before, thanks Exrook.)

Considering that she lives in San Diego, giving it back to her in person isn't practical unless she comes to visit her boss again.

I, on the other hand, was trying to live the feminist ideal that the woman should not be fragile, helpless, and needy. (FelipeA, are you listening? )
Yes, I'm listening : )

I know there's tons of women who are strong, resourceful, and very sweet-hearted. I love partnership, so I'm going to take my time to find someone who I can grow with for ideally a long time.