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Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money
Old 04-18-2015, 05:28 PM   #1
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Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

Hi,

I'm 22 and recently shared my financial goals with my girlfriend of about a year, I told her I've started gaining some momentum and I'm excited about aiming to save 80% of my income while I finish college. I showed her my investment accounts (under 50k then) and encouraged her to open an account and begin saving.

Since that, we broke up as we deeply don't trust eachother. We talk off and on till one day she blocks my number for having a cute girl at my house, she calls the next day calls me saying she's been looking into laser eye surgery but doesn't have enough to cover it without pulling out of her emergency fund. She mentions that my parents bought me laser as a gift so she wants to know if I can gift her 2000 for half of that till she can pay me back with financial aid money in September. I genuinely consider it and come to think it ridiculous when she knows how frugal I am and that she already cash has enough saved for it if she needs it. She can simply wait till December and do it without debt. I feel she's starting to think my money is her money.

She moves the loan down to 1000 and I say no, I've made my mind clear about not "loaning" her money, if I did give her money it'd be a gift, not a business loan. So I ask her about what the interest on the "loan" she had in mind was. She flips and tells me it's disgusting for me to consider charging her interest. She's in debt to her dad, her aunt, and the government(student loans) already with no intention to pay for several years till her full-time engineering job.

She accuses me of being so cheap and uncaring, she'd give me the money if I needed it, she's given me so much and she expects the same care back. Looking at mint, I realize she's my largest expense most months because we cook and travel together and I cover most of that. This has been a unique relationship for me in that I never fully trusted her as she would hide important details about her life and lie about them. I smelled a manipulation attempt as I've treated her well, listened, massaged, cooked, and helped her feel like a uniquely amazing, special woman, my frugality was her only complaint. She ends up getting her ex-boss she's dating to "loan" her funds.

In my gut I feel like I dodged a bullet. Same feeling of loss from a break up but more relief.

My questions is- How do I deal with revealing/hiding my wealth to lovers and friends when they are in debt or haven't begun saving? And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?
I feel awkward hiding things and I love teaching people yet don't want the resentment or financial predators that come with having begun accumulating wealth.

Thank you for your help,
-Felipe
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:35 PM   #2
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You have made a very wise decision! At least you didn't have to go through a divorce with the girl like I and many others did to learn the same lesson. Trust me, it is a lot easier your way.

As to you real question so much depends on the characteristics and values of the people involved. As a general guide I'd keep my financials very close to the vest until things got very serious, but if things went south on that topic you have to be prepared to cut your emotional losses and run.
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:45 PM   #3
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The first rule is to NOT share with them...

You should be able to figure out what kind of person they are by just dealing with them.... and if you cannot, then drop them....

It is interesting to see how some people act when they know you have money.... they think you should 'help' them out when they get into trouble... or like you GF, when they want something right now...

Being compatible with someone is much more than between the sheets....
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:47 PM   #4
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You dodged a HUGE bullet with that one. I got divorced 25 years ago and there's no way in the world I would be retired at 50 if I had stayed married to that one. We had other problems besides money, but money was a big one. My new wife (we are about to have our 20 yr anniversary) is a dream come true in every sense of the word including her money habits. She wasnt that way when we first met but was completely open to learning about money and letting it work for you instead of the other way around.

As far as dealing with hiding any wealth you accumulate, that shouldn't be too hard. Most savers like the people on this board, and most likely you as well, aren't showy or flashy people. Nobody will assume you have money if you don't act like you do. In fact, the flashy people tend to be the ones in debt up to the eyeballs but everyone assumes they are rich. I wouldn't reveal anything about your savings to a new girlfriend until you are thinking about marriage and that you are sure she isn't the kind of person to take advantage of you.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:19 PM   #5
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Your money is your money. You earned it, you saved it, no further explanation is needed to anyone. I am including relatives, who can be the worst offenders about "borrowing".

I am a female. I would NEVER impose on or use guilt to procure money from anyone unless I had exhausted all other avenues and it was to avoid repossession, buy food, or a dire emergency like a burned down house.

You did very well to keep your financial hand closed to a predator. I congratulate you.

Keep your finances to yourself from here forward. The smell of greed has an undeniable stench. It attracts all sorts of parasites.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:33 PM   #6
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You are VERY wise to keep your $$ away from someone you do not fully trust. I agree you dodged a huge bullet.
BTW- Laser eye surgery is not an emergency. It is a luxury, and is not without some risk. I know a few who had it and had less than perfect results. I could afford it but have decided not to have it done as long as I can see well with glasses.

There is NOTHING wrong with being private about your savings. In fact many folks considerate it impolite to discuss a friend's financial status, so do NOT feel like you are "hiding" anything. Discuss the positives of saving regularly vs living paycheck-to-paycheck, but let others guess about how much you've accumulated. Anyone primarily interested in your money (or financial status) is NOT a true friend....or trustworthy relative.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:35 PM   #7
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Walt34: Thanks for confirming my guy suspicion, I was starting to genuinely think I'd been that cheap till I noticed where all my money was already starting to go.

Texas Proud: I absolutely agree, no more sharing hard numbers, just general principles on saving and efficient living. I lost a best friend and 2000 because I loaned to a friend once, very thankful for paying that small price for this lesson on never mixing loans with friendships/love. I sometimes feel cold for being direct about my no but dropping them is definitely the way to go if they begin thinking my wealth is theirs for "help".

Utrecht: I've heard the horror stories about being ripped apart in divorces, feel like I'm paying pennies for these lessons. I'm glad to know you could facilitate someone developing financial acumen. A lot of my friends in debt seem genuinely curious when I talk about simply starting saving 1% today and moving it up as they can over the years.

I'm anti-flashy so I should be able to pull it off, my closet, bathroom, and bedroom are more empty than full. Live at my parent's nice home till I finish college so I'm already prepared for the downsizing when I move out.

"wouldn't reveal anything about your savings to a new girlfriend until you are thinking about marriage" I absolutely agree and I'll keep working on this through the temptation to share numbers whenever I fall in love again. I have decided on a prenupt if I ever do move forward to marriage.

freebird5825: Thank you for your compliments. Financial predators are new for me so reading your direct perspective on this was truly helpful. I didn't fully realize she was trying to use guilt.
"Keep your finances to yourself from here forward. The smell of greed has an undeniable stench. It attracts all sorts of parasites."
Greed: Intense and selfish desire
Selfish: Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure
I'm starting to see her calling me selfish may been a reflection of her motives in this.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:36 PM   #8
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Congratulations on dodging the bullet. If you'd married her, she'd spend what she could and take half of what's left.

One of the most important factors in becoming financially independent is to find a mate with compatible spending and saving habits. There is plenty of time for sharing once you have found that mate. In the meantime, look and act poor!
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:45 PM   #9
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ERhoosier: I appreciate your perspective. Share about saving and not having to live paycheck to paycheck by buying less, never sharing the number. If they begin caring about the number to the exclusion of my comfort, red flag, walk away in peace.

travelover: "look and act poor!" I love it! My challenge here lies in living with my slightly rich parents. My closet and bathroom are well over 75% empty but I have a 2012 Volt that doesn't help me hide.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:45 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by FelipeA View Post
And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?
My husband said he knew I was the one when I offered to pay for the second date and half the dates after that.
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:16 PM   #11
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It didn't work that way for me. The late DW worked as a teller where I banked. When we first started dating, she didn't have two nickels to rub together. I was the primary bread winner throughout our 30 year marriage, but she was a full partner and understood our finances. She got her college degree and wound up making very good money after our kids were through primary school.

The one thing we always had was total honesty. To me, that is an absolute must for a successful marriage. Part of dating is to sort such things out. Good job.
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:19 PM   #12
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...

The one thing we always had was total honesty. To me, that is an absolute must for a successful marriage. Part of dating is to sort such things out. Good job.
+1
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:28 PM   #13
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Since you're asking for advice:

1. Keep the "cute girl" to yourself. You should have learned there is no payoff in advertising it. Alternatively, date the ugly ones - they draw less attention from the outside and really appreciate the attention. Might be surprised by how much better your life is.
2. Share your philosophy about money, but not your personal numbers. You'll learn a lot from the reaction.
3. Learn what you can about how your intended was raised. If her parents treated her like a princess, she'll expect you to do the same - just like daddy. If she had to work for things like her car or education, you're more likely to have similar values.
4. At this stage in your life, anyone who asks or expects you to pay for anything more than dinner and a movie is a parasite. Squash them as quick as you can.
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:32 PM   #14
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daylatedollarshort: I agree, the equality on paying is something I believe in. Some cringe at it, others are all for it. I haven't actually found too many female lovers on board with that at my age but it's refreshing to know there's a full culture of going dutch.

Think I should stop dating any girl appalled at the idea? It's something I really believe in but I also see that most of the local culture is wired that way.

Hermit: Thank you, total honesty is essential and we lacked it. I'm slowly starting to sort what things I'd like to have vs need in a life partner/lover. Absolute honesty-essential and I've had it before, there's a peace in not having to dig for any information and having trust that you at least know who you're connecting with everyday.
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Old 04-18-2015, 07:44 PM   #15
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I'm another one of those females who has always believed in paying my way and going dutch on everything. I've always been suspicious of guys who want to wine and dine and spend a lot of money. Some men manipulate women with money and I've happily avoided those men by having my own finances in order.

There are cool financially savvy women out there, although we may be hard to find.



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Old 04-18-2015, 07:53 PM   #16
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Think I should stop dating any girl appalled at the idea? It's something I really believe in but I also see that most of the local culture is wired that way.
My own view is that there may be a lot of reasons why someone may not be able to go dutch or split 50% of the costs, and it may not be good to automatically exclude anyone who doesn't always go dutch. But it is important to determine someone's attitude toward money and their consideration of you, and focus on people who share your values.

A student may not be able to afford to go out often, but do they offer to make a home cooked meal for you and suggest some low cost alternatives? Are they happy when you propose some lower cost dates, or do they expect that each date is a "big event"? How responsible are they with their own funds and do they share your view towards saving?

A red flag to me is when they have some expectation about how you should spend your money.

Personally, I never really liked going "dutch" on a date, but if I was seeing someone regularly, I always made sure that I paid a reasonable percentage of the time.

In any event, based on the info you posted in your original post, I think you made a good decision to distance yourself.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:01 PM   #17
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FlaGator: I agree with most of what you said, especially #2 about sharing my philosophy and seeing how they respond. Gem right there. I think that answers my question about a good way to screen women. Share how I approach frugal, efficient living with less waste and consumption, see how they respond, their perspective. Get a little more curious about how their parents raised them. Run if they ask for anything over worth over $50.

#1- I agree as well except I expect honesty so I try to lead by example. Being after a break up I might've done better to hide it, but her reacting the way she did the day before she asked for this loan made it so much clearer that she was after the money before it ended.

MarketWatcher: Sound like a smart woman, and another confirmation of something rare : )

I've heard too many women (and even men) wanting sugar daddies. Financially savvy humans are rare in most of the world so I'm happy going for frugality as a principle in my partner at this stage. Being frugal allows me to see if they think I'm cheap or efficient, if they feel desperate for me to spoil them or content with a beach picnic and enjoying time itself together.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:02 PM   #18
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We keep our financial affairs to ourselves. Our relatives do not know, our children do not know anything other than we are comfortable. Our lifestyle is modest, with the exception of frequent travel.

I cannot imagine why anyone would have the need to tell their g/f about their financial situation. Goals yes, actuals no.

Keep it under your hat.....where it belongs and where it is safe and sound as the pound.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:27 PM   #19
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...I am a female. I would NEVER impose on or use guilt to procure money from anyone unless I had exhausted all other avenues...
I find going straight to guilt saves an awful lot of time.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:39 PM   #20
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Hi,

....
And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?


Thank you for your help,
-Felipe
What you do is take the person out to a nice restaurant, and say "Order whatever you want." If she goes for the most expensive stuff on the menu and you mind that, then that should be a sign

On the loan issue, you could have repsonded, "I don't lend money" but point to her to something like "The Lending Club". If her credit history is so bad that she can't get a loan from them, well at least it wasn't you who turned her down for the loan.

Or..you can just go with the cute girl
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