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Old 05-16-2012, 01:49 PM   #41
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Your husband thinks you have enough money for him to buy things he wants on Amazon. Maybe he is right?
It's obvious that they do have enough money for him to buy things. The issue is "big spender" isn't following the mutually agreed to budget and is then whining about retiring earlier than planned. He is telling her that he can unilaterally ignore anything they have agreed on.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:50 PM   #42
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Your husband thinks you have enough money for him to buy things he wants on Amazon. Maybe he is right?
He's definitely right, but this retirement planning is a project and since I'm a certfied PMP, I MUST stop the scope creep!!
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:53 PM   #43
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My wife and I have a similar setup with separate spending accounts except we that we always get the same amount. Sometimes we give ourselves a bonus, but it's always the same amount for both of us. This is our money to do with as we please and if one accumulates more than the other, more power to them.

And we also use these accounts for all our individual spending: clothes, haircuts, toys, etc. This way if she wants to spend $100+ on a new pair of shoes, that's none of my business. And I get no complaints when I buy a new gadget. It works well for us.
This would be really unfair to my DW. I get $12 haircuts and have no interest in getting my nails done. She does and get her hair colored when it's cut. I have shoes that last years. Well, so does she but she still buys more shoes than I do. If I had as much money as she spends going into "my" account, I would have no idea what to spend it on.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:54 PM   #44
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He's definitely right, but this retirement planning is a project and since I'm a certfied PMP, I MUST stop the scope creep!!
That explains the whole situation. You are a professional nerd.
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:54 PM   #45
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That explains the whole situation. You are a professional nerd.
Guilty as charged!
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:10 PM   #46
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I shared this thread with him yesterday and he now understands what the big deal is. Until he gets his shopping addiction under control I'm not comfortable retiring.
That seems like an incredibly useful and actionable insight, glad the thread helped you work that out. It is neat how just telling people about what we are mulling over can lead to new perspectives and solutions without them even saying anything (working in software you see this all the time where you have somebody come and play Captain Obvious for some problem you are trying to solve. Just describing the problem to them often yields the solution).
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:53 PM   #47
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Very true, and something we can work on together. I enable the behavior by not calling him on it every time I see a purchase hit the home account.

If we could get this one small area fixed, life would be just about perfect
We are trained to believe every issue has a solution that satisfies everyone. That's not always so, and this may be one of those situations with no easy way forward, or perhaps no solution at all. It's not your fault and you're not an enabler, you are married to someone who views money and saving differently. This is not often discussed on this board and just "calling him out" is not helpful. You need to learn to deal with this and at least contain it without unnecessary sacrifice on your part. That might mean working and saving more. It also might mean leading him to believe there is less money available to spend. That is, creating your own savings that you can use to offset some of the excess spending. It is very difficult to change behaviour after 22 years. Going back to your original posts, I think your concern is legit and your plan needs to be able to deal with excess spending.
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:33 PM   #48
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This would be really unfair to my DW. I get $12 haircuts and have no interest in getting my nails done. She does and get her hair colored when it's cut. I have shoes that last years. Well, so does she but she still buys more shoes than I do. If I had as much money as she spends going into "my" account, I would have no idea what to spend it on.
This is an issue DH and I struggled with. We used to each get $X a month spending for each of us. It was used for personal spending money, personal electronics/computers, books, individual entertainment, eating lunch out, clothes, hair and other personal care (makeup, personal care items, etc).

While we both worked full time this worked fine. I don't get my nails done any more. I did get my hair colored which was more expensive than DH's haircuts but he got them more than I did hair color so it worked out OK.

Then, DH retired but I kept working part time. So I was going to have more clothes needs and more personal care need and I would occasionally still eat out lunches (I usually take lunch but sometimes go out). I've started doing my own hair color so that isn't expensive but my clothes expenses are much higher than DH's.

So we split the spending budget in two. The non-clothes/personal care part we kept the amount for each of us the same. For clothes/personal care I get twice as much as DH. We also moved the lunches to the regular dining out category since we didn't feel it fair to charge to my spending money since I usually eat lunch out when I'm working. So far, this is all working fine.
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Old 05-17-2012, 01:52 AM   #49
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I like the idea of gift cards to be applied to the Amazon account, or a Mastercard with a spending limit for your husband to use as he chooses.
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I would budget a recurring purchase of gift cards to be directly applied to the Amazon account based on a typical years expenses so that he could see what his balance is and buy whatever with that money.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:58 AM   #50
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This is an interesting thread that it's not investment related. Kind of counseling about frivolous spending and marriage. I'll have to read it all.
But I noticed one note of Lisa about her DH's spending ... he spends little but frequently, it's not like buying big toys...Something like that. I didn't read other comments (as I said I'll have to read it all later), but I'd like to chime in on this. Those little things can add up fast and you should budget for that in case he continues doing that in the ER or R. What if he gets bored in his ER and decides to play virtual life (like FarmVille or CityVille and other crazy cr*p) in addition to shopping on Amazon. Just for an exercise, let him (or you do for him) start a spreadsheet and start adding each little toy for one year...just to see what it adds up. Maybe it'll be small enough and you worry too much about or maybe not
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Old 05-17-2012, 09:20 AM   #51
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This is an interesting thread that it's not investment related. Kind of counseling about frivolous spending and marriage. I'll have to read it all.
But I noticed one note of Lisa about her DH's spending ... he spends little but frequently, it's not like buying big toys...Something like that. I didn't read other comments (as I said I'll have to read it all later), but I'd like to chime in on this. Those little things can add up fast and you should budget for that in case he continues doing that in the ER or R. What if he gets bored in his ER and decides to play virtual life (like FarmVille or CityVille and other crazy cr*p) in addition to shopping on Amazon. Just for an exercise, let him (or you do for him) start a spreadsheet and start adding each little toy for one year...just to see what it adds up. Maybe it'll be small enough and you worry too much about or maybe not

The one thing that I have noticed is that someone who spends a lot of money on either a bunch of small items or a few big items are NOT interested in keeping track of their spending....

And if the spouse is doing it and telling them, it usually does not fix the problem...
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Old 05-17-2012, 12:04 PM   #52
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The one thing that I have noticed is that someone who spends a lot of money on either a bunch of small items or a few big items are NOT interested in keeping track of their spending....

And if the spouse is doing it and telling them, it usually does not fix the problem...
What an interesting observation. I pay the bills, manage the investments, am doing the retirement planning, basically everything financial because he's never shown an interest in it (+ he travels 100% for work and is worn out from weekly trips from Vegas to DC). I work from home and have an interest so have no issue with doing it.

However, with this setup he has no investment in our financial lives.

I'm going to talk to him this weekend about him possibly picking up monitoring of our budget. It takes very little time since it is set up in Quicken and the downloads are automated as well. It would definitely help him see where the money goes.
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Old 05-17-2012, 12:10 PM   #53
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Just for an exercise, let him (or you do for him) start a spreadsheet and start adding each little toy for one year...just to see what it adds up. Maybe it'll be small enough and you worry too much about or maybe not
I have all of our financials in Quicken, so know by month what was spent by vendor...and Amazon is quite the standout.

He despises Farmville et al, but I defintely get your point.
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Old 05-17-2012, 12:16 PM   #54
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I'm going to talk to him this weekend about him possibly picking up monitoring of our budget. It takes very little time since it is set up in Quicken and the downloads are automated as well. It would definitely help him see where the money goes.
Good luck with that. My DW is oblivious to our finances. I tell her what our monthly credit card bill is and if there were any significant above budget items. Once a year, I force her to sit down with me while I review the prior years spending, calculate our asset allocation and do the rebalancing. If I counted on her to do anything herself, it would not get done. She knows I'll do it. At least neither of us have any spending fetishes.
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Old 05-17-2012, 01:11 PM   #55
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What an interesting observation. I pay the bills, manage the investments, am doing the retirement planning, basically everything financial because he's never shown an interest in it (+ he travels 100% for work and is worn out from weekly trips from Vegas to DC). I work from home and have an interest so have no issue with doing it.

However, with this setup he has no investment in our financial lives.

I'm going to talk to him this weekend about him possibly picking up monitoring of our budget. It takes very little time since it is set up in Quicken and the downloads are automated as well. It would definitely help him see where the money goes.
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Good luck with that. My DW is oblivious to our finances. I tell her what our monthly credit card bill is and if there were any significant above budget items. Once a year, I force her to sit down with me while I review the prior years spending, calculate our asset allocation and do the rebalancing. If I counted on her to do anything herself, it would not get done. She knows I'll do it. At least neither of us have any spending fetishes.
I have to agree with 2B... if he is not interested, trying to force him to be interested IMO is like trying to force a cat to have a bath.... even if you succeed, you will not have a happy cat...

BTW, my DW is like 2B... she does not want to hear anything bad nor does she want to know any kind of details... even with me saying 'what are you going to do if I die?'... she responds 'don't die'....

Now, since she has acquired a teacher certificate and hopefully will be bringing in income, our situation will become much better.... (not that it was bad, just not what I had budgeted).
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Old 05-17-2012, 02:44 PM   #56
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I'm going to talk to him this weekend about him possibly picking up monitoring of our budget. It takes very little time since it is set up in Quicken and the downloads are automated as well. It would definitely help him see where the money goes.
That's how we manage. I handle all the investments and I built a spreadsheet that DW maintains monthly. She reconciles the bank statement (I don't know why) when she updates the budget spreadsheet. She carries the checkbook, though we rarely use it anymore. Only difference, thankfully my DW has always been good about not overspending even before we had a budget. If anything, she asks my "permission" far too often, and it's not like I've ever denied her much of anything.
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Old 05-17-2012, 03:30 PM   #57
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I'm going to talk to him this weekend about him possibly picking up monitoring of our budget. It takes very little time since it is set up in Quicken and the downloads are automated as well. It would definitely help him see where the money goes.
Good luck with that. I mean that seriously but based upon my experience with my DH I wouldn't be, um, holding my breath on it.

I am the detail person on the finances in our family (as you could probably figure out since I'm the one who posts here).

It isn't that DH isn't interested in finances exactly. It is more that he knows that I will do it and he thinks I know more about it so he doesn't have to get involved in it in a detailed way.

Some years ago, DH and I were having a discussion about who does most around the house, etc. He did a lot of the visible stuff -- running errands, fixing things, etc. Most of the stuff that I did was sitting at the computer and didn't look all that onerous.

So we switched around some jobs and he took on the budget and financial recording. We were using Microsoft Money at the time (or maybe Quicken...don't recall exactly which when). Well within a few months we started making late payments on bills (not seriously late, but still) because he would forget something.

I was also constantly...concerned...that DH didn't record budget stuff the "right" way. He would categorize stuff to Category A when we had a specific Category B that was more applicable. Or it would be a split transaction and rather than figure the split he would just categorize it to one category.

Anyway, after a few months he asked me to take back the money handling. We do talk about major things. We go over the budget each year and periodically if I want to change anything significant. I tell him if I rebalance anything significantly or make significant changes.

But basically he doesn't want to do these things any more than I want to take the car to get it serviced or want to mow the yard.
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Old 05-17-2012, 03:54 PM   #58
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So much to think about.

He's not allergic to financials, because funny enough, he has his MBA and his job entails running business case scenarios as part of his consulting work.

He's far more qualified on paper to be doing what I do, he just has no interest.

And the cat taking a bath is probably spot on, but when we talked he sincerely understood my concern so maybe he'll be open to the suggestion of his managing the budget...or maybe we can do it together somehow.
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Old 05-17-2012, 06:55 PM   #59
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So we switched around some jobs and he took on the budget and financial recording. We were using Microsoft Money at the time (or maybe Quicken...don't recall exactly which when). Well within a few months we started making late payments on bills (not seriously late, but still) because he would forget something.
This is a major problem with trying to get uninterested and perhaps irresponsible people involved in things that you really do not want to have screwed up.

Ha
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Old 05-17-2012, 09:31 PM   #60
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Lisa, sometimes it seems to me that getting in synch with a spouse about financial matters is just incredibly hard! So often one is the spender, and the other the bill payer and saver, or some such thing. I am sure you will get this figured out in a way that will work for both you and your DH.

Still, reading what you are saying on this thread makes me glad that it's you and not me. It's not a trivial or easy thing for couples to work through.
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