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Old 07-25-2015, 12:10 PM   #21
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prose3589 I am so very sorry. I don't know that there are words to help you except to say your Dad must have been very tired of dealing with his chronic illness and chose to "go out" his way.
If one thinks about it and after going thru the passing of both my mom and dad I have come to believe that a person hastening their own passing due to chronic pain and conditions is not much different from the doctors and nurses that do the same thru morphine and similar types of life ending injections, shots or IV drips…etc. Try not to focus too much on the fact your Dad felt he had to do it himself and I assume did so because other legal methods were not available to him.
Honestly, I would prefer the same to having my estate eroded with all sorts of life saving measures. Meaning, I want my kids to have it. Not the health care industry. Perhaps your Dad felt similarly.

Regarding the inheritance. It will work itself out in due time.

Hugs to you.
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Old 07-25-2015, 01:02 PM   #22
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Very sorry for your loss, prose. You have received some excellent advice from others here, so I'll just add another vote to let yourself grieve and stay in touch with your siblings so that hopefully you can all be on the same page regarding the financial details. Once you receive the inheritance, my advice would also be to keep it in a safe place and make no significant decisions for 6-12 months (other than to take RMDs from IRAs if applicable). All the best.
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Old 07-25-2015, 02:15 PM   #23
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Thank you all. I trust the words of wisdom here and I will follow the advice. My dad had a trust with my brother named as trustee. His best friend is the estate attorney and like an uncle to me. My siblings are all on the same page.

I think the guilt and sadness will be my greatest foe.

I currently live frugally. I have a student loan. Mortgage and mortgage on my rental. I have a simple retirement through vanguard. Roth IRA and hsa.

I will wait to make any decisions on the inheritance. I don't have all the details yet. When I do, I may ask for more advice.

I will ask questions about taxes and distributions. And any other questions that seem appropriate based upon advice here.

Thank you all for the condolences. It helps.


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Old 07-25-2015, 03:01 PM   #24
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I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. I basically agree with the others that you should table decisions for 6-12 months and get over the grief period as best you can. I will also advise you to damper the inevitable flareups with siblings. Again, my thoughts are with you and I wish you strength in the coming months.
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Old 07-25-2015, 03:05 PM   #25
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Old 07-25-2015, 04:05 PM   #26
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I am very sorry. You must feel intense pain. In our historically Christian culture taking one's own life is often seen negatively. Other cultures, including Classical Rome, felt that it was an honorable way to go out. I also don't see any real difference is assisted death and suicide.

Try to dwell on your love for your father, and his love for you, and respect his choice as to how he wanted to live and die. This may help you avoid guilt. Neither you nor your father have any guilt in this matter.

Best wishes, Ha
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Old 07-25-2015, 04:17 PM   #27
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I lost both my elderly parents in a very short period of time, and I agree with all the advice about time. Make it a gift to yourself - don't get in a rush. And one of my favorite sayings is "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." Grief support, whether in a group or individually would be my recommendation. Even as an adult, losing a parent is tough stuff that few of us are ever prepared for. I throw out subtle hints to my kids all the time, hoping to brace them for it. Your situation is obviously even more severe than most. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. I think it's great that you came here for support - it's a great start.
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Old 07-25-2015, 05:46 PM   #28
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So sorry you have to deal with an inheritance this way.

Agree with the others, the money can wait, and probably will at least for a few months. Give that part a year, and deal with the grief part for now.

When my mother passed suddenly there was an inheritance that I didn't really expect to see. Not enough to retire with by any means but significant for us. I just put it in a savings account for a year while I gave it some thought (mostly, as anyone who has dealt with it knows, because of all the baggage that comes with an inheritance) and in hindsight that was probably one of the brighter decisions I've ever made.

So unless there are RMDs to think about I agree with the others to just set it aside, in a separate account, and give it a year. You will have a much clearer mind about it by then.
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Old 07-29-2015, 03:48 PM   #29
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother two years ago, the result of two god-awful diseases hitting her at once, and I've felt waves of guilt at various times over the inheritance, especially "being happy" when some property sold, since of course in my mind I shouldn't even have it to sell, because she should still be alive.

I finally gave myself the slightest of smiles about it all when I just started telling myself that the money was the settlement from the wrongful death lawsuit I brought against God.

Your followup post sounds like you are approaching it all wisely. As everyone else has said, giving it time is the most important part.
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Old 07-30-2015, 01:42 PM   #30
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So sorry for your loss.

Many people are helped by grief recovery programs. They too are confidential. Often they are hosted by hospitals.

I don't know what kind of dynamics there are with your siblings, but I wonder if there could be some funding dedicated to counseling. Like for any grand kids.

Just pondering.
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Old 07-30-2015, 02:39 PM   #31
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My condolences...

I definitely recommend getting counseling under these circumstances. One on one counseling may be your best bet, versus group.

The estate can wait. Take care of yourself and family members first.
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Old 07-30-2015, 02:43 PM   #32
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I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. I basically agree with the others that you should table decisions for 6-12 months and get over the grief period as best you can. I will also advise you to damper the inevitable flareups with siblings. Again, my thoughts are with you and I wish you strength in the coming months.
I found the sibling issue was the bigger problem with my DM death---much, much smaller estate. Accept that people deal with death and money differently and try to accept the way your sibs and spouses deal with the money. Some will blow it on fancy stuff, others will stash it away and some might give it to charity or good causes. The money does not actually represent your Dad and what people felt about him. At the end of the day, it's just money and you should probably treat it the way you always treat money.

I am waiting on a disbursement from one of my first cousins, who I barely knew. He died with no parents, no spouse, no kids, and no sibs and no will.Due to trickle down estate laws it will be split between the families of his blood Aunts and Uncles.He apparently lived a pretty hermit like and ultra-frugal type life, to the point of self-denial. I do not know how much will come, but I hope my cousin didn't deny himself too many things to collect this money and that he was content and or happy in his life. I'm going to feel somewhat conflicted if the amount is more then a thousand bucks or so.
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Old 07-30-2015, 07:58 PM   #33
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So already saw the counselor. Old friend and colleague. Very helpful.

Siblings while very different are very close and cooperative. A couple sisters need advice and because I am an attorney they will come to me. I am careful to give just the basics and tell them to contact family accountant and estate attorney handling matters. I don't want any hard feelings if the advice goes south.

My dad had an interesting estate portfolio. Predominantly cash, bank stock and private mortgages. I don't know how the distribution is going to play out just yet.

I will be somewhat limited in my choices. I will update as I know more.

Just trying to muddle through.


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Old 07-31-2015, 12:16 AM   #34
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I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. It must have been horrible to receive that news.


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Old 07-31-2015, 05:48 AM   #35
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The sadness comes to everyone and has its own schedule. I lost both my parents many years ago to illness and age, and still miss them. Only, nowadays, I realize that I AM them...I see and hear them every day in my own words and decisions (and now that I'm older, I see them in the mirror too!) In that way, they are still alive and with me. Your case is a bit different, I think, because suicide is sudden and unexpected. I imagine that makes grieving more complicated.

I wish I could take away your guilt, since from my totally uninvolved perspective, you have zero reason for guilt (though it's totally normal and OK to feel irrational feelings when you are grieving). Your Dad is fortunate to have 5 good kids he could leave the fruits of his life's labor to. Many, many people can't say that much about the life they lived.

It seems to me that your Dad made a reasonable, if dire, decision based on his physical misery, and the knowledge that you kids would be well taken care of as a result of his hard work and good money management. The bequest is his parting gift, since he knew he couldn't stick around. Use it in his honor and his memory.

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I think the guilt and sadness will be my greatest foe.
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Old 07-31-2015, 07:24 AM   #36
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So already saw the counselor. Old friend and colleague. Very helpful.
...
Just trying to muddle through.
Very good that you took the initiative to see a counselor, and even better you knew the person already. Please continue to do so.
After the sudden passing of my husband (heart), I saw a counselor frequently at first, then less often, but kept up with it for months. Every moment was worth it. I was able to verbalize things that were bouncing around in my head and get perspective on a lot of tough topics.

The "muddling" could be due to brain fog. It is a common physical reaction after the loss of a loved one. I liken it to a car running on 7 cylinders out of 8. You make forward progress but the timing and power seems a bit off.

One day at a time. Please focus on sleep, proper diet, and maybe even get a therapeutic massage to relieve the muscle tension often seen as a response to the stress.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:33 PM   #37
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When my Dad died, he had made specific stipends to my former wife and both my kids. My brother and I made an extra effort to get the money to them by Christmas (He died in July) and they questioned why they did not get interest on the amounts put in the will.

I was ready to let them leave without the checks, but decided to call our lawyer on Saturday and she happened to be working. She explained the reality of specific bequests and they took their checks.

But I learned something nasty about my Ex and my kids when it comes to money.
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Old 07-31-2015, 02:56 PM   #38
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Guess that's why she's an ex. Too bad the kids reacted the same.


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Old 07-31-2015, 06:25 PM   #39
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My father died of natural causes when I was in my early 20's, and he left behind a decent inheritance. The assets were managed by a local bank and I left them there because I didn't have a clue what to do with and the emotional guilt over gaining wealth as a result of my father's early death was too much to deal with.

Over the ensuing several years I spent some of the money on a car and let the rest ride in the stock market. It was 1981 - just at the beginning of the greatest bull market ever. Within a few years I found the money had grown to a million and I was again wracked with feelings of guilt. To this day I still feel the way I felt back then - I would rather have my father in my life than a dollar of the money.

Eventually I took over management of the investments and learned a great deal. A million turned into several million and generated a great lifestyle for my family and helped with me being able to retire at 45. Eventually I was able to accept that the money was a good thing in my life and I didn't have to feel guilty.

It's still difficult to think about sometimes.

Time will lessen the pain, but it never really goes away. Time will lessen the feelings of guilt, but it lingers as well.
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Old 08-01-2015, 05:16 AM   #40
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When I received an inheritance I had similar uncomfortable feelings of benefiting from a death. My approach was to consider the inheritance as an extension of the life force of the departed parent. So, to memorialise that, I took a small portion of the funds and bought a landscape painting of exquisite beauty and hung it in a prominent place in our home. Thus I am always in the presence of this vital reminder.

My wife's mother spent her wo*k life as an art teacher in the public schools. When she died, we created a fund in our (then) local community foundation. This fund, which we encouraged other grieving family members to contribute to as well, awards an annual prize to an aspiring art student to purchase art supplies, via a gift certificate at a well known art supplies store. As an endowment, the fund will award this prize in her name in perpetuity.

Best of luck to you.

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